


Twist Of Fate

by Enula, mogitz



Category: Until Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Flashbacks, Future Fic, Jam, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Or Is he?, POV Sam, Plot Twists, Post-Canon, Romance, Slow Burn, Totally kinda stole from Mr. Robot, Until Dawn - Freeform, bathing bird - Freeform, josh is dead
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-05
Updated: 2017-01-08
Packaged: 2018-05-12 01:44:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 134,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5649145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Enula/pseuds/Enula, https://archiveofourown.org/users/mogitz/pseuds/mogitz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As Dr. Samantha Jensen sat across from her newest client, Elliot Roth, she couldn't focus on anything other than the fact that he could have been Josh’s twin.<br/>He even has the same eyes.<br/>But, it couldn't have been Josh.<br/>She went to his funeral 10 years ago.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue: The New "New Reality"

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: This is a collaborative fic written over the last few weeks by Enula and Mogitz. Hope you enjoy! JAM fic!

 

* * *

 

After everything that had happened, you would have thought they were going to suffer indefinitely from the events that took place that night; human nature and post traumatic stress texts would have you expect nothing less…

…But you'd be surprised at the healing power of money and all that it could accomplish.

The Washingtons didn't even hesitate, didn't let the occurrence turn into even the slightest blurb on the evening news. Before the seven survivors had even left Blackwood Hospital, a lawyer was already there with his alligator-skin boots and slicked back hair, offering them all compensation for the "pain and suffering" they'd endured at the hands of their sick son.

"Bob and Melinda really think that we're so easily bought?" Chris spat indignantly – it was an especially hard blow to him, considering he'd known the Washingtons since he was eight and they were practically like a second set of parents to him. He clutched Ashley tightly to his side. There was no way he was going to be letting her go again. "Don't they have any idea what we just went through?" he added, gesturing at their battered faces. But before he could throw the check back at the lawyer, his eyes flickered down to all of the zeros… $250,000 each was hardly anything to wave their hands at.

" _Whoa_ ," Ashley breathed, trying not to sound too impressed but unfortunately, with the smug smile faintly appearing on the lawyer's face, she knew she hadn't been successful. Chris shot her a quick look, as if to warn her not to look too eager, so she folded her lips and continued to stare down at the number.

Then, the bigger picture started to come into view; student loans, no financial worries for a little while, just long enough to take some valuable time off… to heal.

Still, Chris swallowed hard. His eyes trailed to the tired and worn faces of his friends – all seemingly accepting of their cut. All with the exception of Sam. Her eyes stared intensely back at Chris, and as though they could telepathically communicate, he heard the words echoing in his mind.

_Hush money._

"The Washingtons are very adamant that you are all taken care of so that we can settle this indiscretion as quickly and effectively as possible. They are more than willing to negotiate, given the circumstances, so long as we keep this as private as possible," he said. What he meant was that the Washingtons were willing to fork out over 1.75 million dollars to sweep this little mishap under the rug and ensure that none of them were going to sell their story to TMZ or Oprah. "Of course, you'll need to sign these confidentiality agreements; it's just a precaution, you understand."

"Where do I sign?" Emily asked instantaneously, visions of boots and high-end couture dancing in her head, no doubt. And like dominoes, Chris, Sam and Ashley watched as each one of them fell in line to get their own confidentiality agreement. It was their silver lining to the worst night of their lives. Ashley turned to Chris, her eyes pleading, slightly guilty.

"I _mean_ …with this, I could take some time off and finish my book…" she started to mumble quietly, trying to justify her decision, but Chris just pulled her in for an embrace, pressing a kiss into her hair, his way of telling her that it was okay; he understood. Ashley pulled away before she turned to get in line with the others, as did Chris. Feeling eyes upon him, he paused, glancing over at Sam, who hadn't moved a muscle.

"I could pay back my student loans and… I would be able to afford my tuition out of pocket…" Chris began to rationalize as well. He had more reasons: his broken down car and his mounting debt… anything to distract him from the aching in his chest when he reflected on the fact that he'd just lost his best friend. He sighed, his shoulders slumping a bit as he looked down at the check, and then back at Sam. "We could take this time to properly grieve…"

"It's not gonna bring him back," Sam said, and Chris tried not to notice the tears in her eyes, dangerously close to spilling over.

"I _know_ ," Chris croaked, his own eyes beginning to mist over as well. Then he thought of everything that they'd gone through, including everything Josh had put them through… and yet here _he_ was, feeling guilty for wanting to take the money and never think of any of it again. "But not taking the money isn't going to bring him back, either, Sam."

* * *

_**The Funeral - February 23rd 2016** _

It wasn't Mount Washington, anymore.

Bob quickly and quietly sold the mountain to a ski resort management company, then retired only weeks after Josh's memorial service; a closed casket. They said there was nothing in that coffin that anyone would want to see. She wished they'd changed their mind - whatever he looked like in there couldn't have been worse than what she had been imagining in her own mind.

Bob and Melinda never said how he died – just that they'd recovered his body a few days later in the mines – but the rest of them knew.

' _What an awful way to go.'_

It wasn't just Josh's memorial, either. The three siblings were buried side by side, although Sam knew that Beth and Hannah had nothing to bury.

"What's the point of a casket if there's nothing inside?" Mike murmured quietly to Sam, who simply responded with a quick ' _shush_ ' as the minister spoke. Sam's eyes honed in on the large photograph of Josh, propped up by an easel, in the front of the room. It was so unnerving, saying goodbye to a photograph. Felt so… _unfinished._

Bob and Melinda had asked Sam to say a few words, having practically been like another daughter to them all these years… but how? How does one go up in front of a huge group of mourners and say goodbye to people who didn't even feel gone? She'd had the time to mourn for Hannah and Beth; the whole year they'd been missing had really helped her move on and finding out the truth as to of what happened to them felt like closure. She'd miss them, but at least she knew. She _saw_.

But… Sam couldn't even begin to think about how she was going to say goodbye to Josh. He was her best friend. _Her person_. Even during the times in her life where she wondered if she and Hannah still had anything in common or feared they were growing apart, she couldn't ever imagine not having them in her life. She was her direct line to Josh. And now they were all gone.

Chris nudged Sam, her eyes tiredly flitting up to his face.

"You're on," he whispered, his eyes wet and swollen from crying. Ashley leaned over him and gave Sam's arm a gentle squeeze, a little bit of silent encouragement - her nose was red, her own cheeks tearstreaked as well. Sam nodded vacantly and stood in a daze, her crinkled notes in her hand. Everyone was silent, and Sam felt nervous under all their tearful stares as she slowly walked up towards the podium. As she passed the photograph of Josh, his eyes seemed to follow her. She let her fingertips trail across the smoothness of the print and along his face as she stepped onto the small lifted stage. Her heart was thumping in her chest and she was silently wondering how she was going to get through this speech without breaking down. She clenched her jaw, swallowing down the lump in her throat as she stared out at everyone, familiar and new faces staring back at her.

She took in a staggered breath, smoothing out the wrinkled and smudged paper in front of her - it was no use. Her eyes were instantly filled with tears as she attempted to make any sense of her own words. And even now, she realized there was nothing on that paper that could fully describe the exact shape of the hole in her chest at that very moment.

"The Washington siblings always _did_ know how to throw a party," she improvised, smiling through her tears and wiping them away quickly with a sniffle. There were quiet chuckles in the audience; it was true. The place was filled the the maximum occupancy, people even standing in the back. She bit her lip to keep from grimacing in pain in front of everyone, so much so she feared she'd bite through the skin. She crumbled up the note cards. "I'm not gonna read from this, actually. Because there are no words on paper that could ever describe what these three meant to me," her voice cracked. She brought her hand to her heart, it literally feeling like it might be breaking in her chest. "I loved them. They were my family. We had plans to grow old together and be aunts and uncles to each other's kids… this was just so unfair. Never have I met three people with more life and love to give and offer. They treated me like I was one of them and for a little while… I was."

Sam's breathing became shallow, her vision growing dark around one center point - she thought she might pass out. She hadn't been able to eat, hadn't been able to sleep since it happened. She leaned on the podium for support.

"I always had a crush on Josh, you know," she confessed. She gave a small roll of a shoulder. "Oh who am I kidding, I think everyone knew that," she said low, into the microphone.

" _Duh_!" she heard Emily chime from the third pew, a caring smile on her face. The congregation chuckled again. Sam loved that even through the tears, they were finding ways to laugh. Josh would have loved that.

"If you didn't know before, you should know now," she said, her eyes finding Bob and Melinda in the front row. "I loved your son… so much," her voice cracked, the tears falling freely now. She sniffled again, looking towards the ceiling as she wiped her tears away - a useless gesture as more tears just replaced them. "Josh and I had this plan that if we weren't married by the time we were 30, we'd just marry each other. I am not sure who was getting the shorter end of the stick in that plan but…" her words trailed off as she recounted the memory in her head, still so vivid. Like it was yesterday. "I couldn't wait for 30 to come. I was gonna be a real Washington, like on paper and everything-" her voice hitched and she covered her hand over her mouth to keep a sob from escaping her lips as she processed the words that were coming out; that dream was dead. It was never going to happen.

Sam buckled over suddenly, her core giving out as the sob fell from her throat anyways. She had tried too hard to keep this from happening, to keep from falling apart in front of everyone. But there, in that moment, Sam was inconsolable. She rested her head on her arms across the top of the podium, trying desperately to get it together as she wept and wept. It didn't last as long as it felt, however, and she felt a hand resting on her back, and she turned to see Chris right next to her, comforting her and taking over the microphone to finish what Sam couldn't.

"Clearly, Josh touched a lot of lives." He turned back towards the picture of him, folding his lips to keep himself from breaking like Sam before him. She stood upright, the two of them leaning on each other, his arm draped protectively over her shoulders. One way or another, they were going to get through this moment. "They all did. And I never thought I'd be up here, speaking at my best friend's funeral. Life's just… pretty messed up sometimes, I guess. And I can't even begin to tell you how much we are going to miss him. Even though he battled the most, even though he had his struggles, he shined brighter than anyone I've ever met. He was the saddest person I ever knew… but he made us all laugh the hardest. His heart, his compassion, his dark, _really_ weird sense of humor… the world is a sadder place without him in it," Chris said, and Sam admired his strength and bravery… she was grateful that he'd come to her side to say all of this. She gave him a weak, appreciative smile.

"And look… I'm not gonna pretend like he didn't lose his way there for awhile. But he was my brother. And nothing will ever change that," he promised, swallowing down his own grief, his nostrils flaring as he attempted not to lose it, himself. "And he loved you." As Chris said those words, he looked back down at Sam, and in her heart she felt like he was talking just to her. For a moment, just a split second, her heart felt a little bit lighter. "And he loved music. Especially this song-" he cued, and just as Sam had planned, Highway To Hell by AC/DC began blaring over the loudspeaker.

"-And he specifically asked for it to be played at his funeral," Sam added, and the entire congregation broke out into laughter. Her heart warmed as she realized that it got exactly the reaction Josh had said it would when he made her promise one day - if he died and she had any control over it - he wanted this song to be played. She thought it was a little bit morbid, but it was so darkly and perfectly Josh, she couldn't stop herself from fulfilling his wishes.

Sam watched from the stage as the chapel began to filter out, the crowd thinning as everyone departed for the wake, which was to be held at the Washington estates. Sam had her own reservations about going to their house - she was afraid that if the funeral didn't kill her, the memories certainly would.

Even still, knowing that her friends would be there beside her, she found the strength to go.

All the rest of the evening, she'd tried to get a chance to talk to Bob and Melinda, but every time she approached them they were elusive, getting ushered away or talked to by another mourner. After trailing them for the better half of the night, she'd finally given up, walking down the familiar halls of their sprawling house in a fog, unable to bring herself to grasp that they were all really gone.

On autopilot, she rounded a corner, instantly plagued with memories of herself doing the same thing so many times before. In some of the visions she was running around the corner as fast as she could, evading Josh who was hot on her trail to tackle her to the ground for some silly prank she and his sisters had just pulled on him. In other memories, she was rounding the corner with her arms full of snacks to take back to Hannah's room and devour with them in the wee hours of morning.

Every time, however, her eyes would instinctively pull to his bedroom door, the one she had to pass to get to Hannah's, on the right side of the hallway. It was a _cool kid's_ door: band flyers taped all over it and a _keep out_ sign. There was also a stolen "J" from the "Jiggle's Tavern" (topless juice bar) sign on the other side of town that he ' _didn't have anything to do with_ '.

Sometimes, the door was ajar with some obscure, alternative rock band's music spilling out into the hallway (he always had the best taste in music - she had dozens of mix cd's he'd made her over the years to vouch for that. ' _It's just this cool band I kinda thought you'd dig…_ ' he'd say). Sometimes, it was closed, the yellow light peeking out from under his door to let her know he was still awake, probably playing video games or reading - Josh actually used to read a lot.

One time it was wide open and he was changing and she couldn't help but stare in with wide eyes and wonderment as she passed by; she was 15 and she'd never really seen a half-naked boy before. And of course, it was at that very moment that he happened to turn around and catch her, a huge grin stretching across his lips.

"Samantha Jensen, you are a _total_ creeper!" he teased, still not bothering to put a shirt on. Sam's cheeks went scarlet as she bowed her head and hurried towards Hannah's room. "Don't be so shy, sweetie! We're just mammals, it's natural!" he called after her, knowing fully well that she was mortified. She laughed anyway, calling over her shoulder,

"Close your door, Josh! No one wants to see that!"

"Apparently you do," he called back before she heard the door latch shut.

This time, when she turned the corner and saw his bedroom door slightly ajar at the end of the hall, it was so quiet. So dark and lifeless - how fitting. It physically pained her, and against her better judgement, she found herself standing at the door and pushing it open, letting it swing slowly on its hinges.

She's been in here a multitude of times, for various reasons… but it felt so wrong to be in here _now_. It wasn't his room anymore… it wasn't _anyone's_ room. She wondered to herself just how someone who'd always been so full of life could be gone, just snuffed out, and this tomb was the only proof he existed in the world.

Soon it would all be boxed up, given away. Somewhere, some other cool dude would find his computer as a steal at a Goodwill and some other kid would inherit his book collection with his notes handwritten on the sides of the pages. The thought of that made Sam sick to her stomach. She walked through his room, her fingers lightly grazing over this and that, just letting herself remember the way he smelled and the way it felt in here - surely she'd never be in this room again. Maybe not even in this house.

She sat in his computer chair, leaning back a bit, thumbing through his drawings and his sketches, realizing now that many of them were preparation for the night on the mountain, which was the last way she wanted to remember her kind-hearted, best-friend's-dreamy-but-dopey big brother.

As she flipped through the pages, about to set it down and move on, she happened across some of his handwriting and her eyes drank in the words quickly, especially after seeing her name etched across the top of the page.

_sam-_

_probably goes without saying that ive been a little weird lately. sorry about that and sorry for pushing you away when i know you just wanna help but… i dunno its just when i see you now all i can think about are my sisters and i hate that. i especially hate it because i dont have any control over myself lately - i feel like im going a little crazy and i just need you not to see me like this all the time. ~~i also hate it because ive pretty much been in love with you since i was 13 years old.~~_

The last line was crossed out, but Sam could still see it clearly, even through her now-free-falling tears, landing on the page with a splat and dousing the paper. There was more, about how much she meant to him and how angry he still felt but didn't blame her for any of it. She still wondered, every day, why he chose to hurt her with the rest of them. Had he forgotten? Had he forgotten how much they had meant to one another? How could he have ever thought she didn't feel the same way as him?

"I kinda thought I'd find you in here," Chris said from the doorway, and Sam didn't even bother to wipe her tears away. She glanced back down at the note.

"There's a note in here," she sniffed. "For me." She raised her head and faced Chris, the saddest smile crossing her lips. "It says he loved me," her voice cracked. Chris offered her back a weak smile in return.

"I think… we all kinda thought you knew…" he admitted.

"I did," Sam nodded. Chris walked in, taking a seat on Josh's bed across from Sam. He awkwardly tried to put his hand on her leg, but both realized how weird it was and he removed it with a slight chuckle.

"I'm sorry, I'm not very good at these things."

"You're better at it than you think," she assured, taking in a ragged breath. She looked up towards the ceiling with an exhale. "How is this real life?"

"New reality, right Sam?" Chris quoted. Apparently Josh's words were still prominent in Chris' mind as well.

"How are you doing?" Sam asked, genuine concern washing over her for Josh's best friend. Chris gave a shrug, his face falling.

"Doesn't seem real yet. Kinda expecting this to be part two of the worst prank in existence." Sam could completely agree, always waiting for him to jump out of a closet and yell, 'gotcha!' Chris sighed. "You?" Merely contemplating the answer to that question had Sam's eyes tearing again. She opened her mouth to respond before snapping it closed in a hard line, shaking her head.

"I don't even know how to begin to answer that question," she said so quietly, her voice uneven. She sniffed. "He was my…" she paused. _What_ was he to her? Her best friend? Her adoptive big bro? Her biggest crush? Her… "... _everything_ ," she finally decided on after a long moment. Sam began to weep, and Chris offered her a brief, sideways hug because physical contact with a girl (especially one who wasn't Ashley) was never really his strong suit. "I just thought that he was gonna pull through, you know? He was having a tough time but I thought he just needed some time. And then we were gonna go off to college and get married and he'd be a psychologist and I'd be a veterinarian. We'd have two kids, a boy and a girl-"

"Wow, you really thought all this through, didn't you?" Chris laughed. Sam smirked a bit through the tears. "He knew all that, Sam. He knew how you felt about him."

"Did he?" she asked, wrapping her arms around herself and leaning back in her chair. "Because I'm not so sure about that anymore." Chris leaned in.

"Sam. I promise. He _knew_." And Sam could see from the look in his eyes that he was telling the truth. Maybe one day, far off in the future (if her heart could handle it), she and Chris could meet up and reminisce and he could tell her just how he knew. But for now, she was content with taking his word for it. Sam took in another deep breath, ignoring the fact that it literally hurt to breathe from all of the crying.

"Maybe _I'll_ be a psychologist," she pitched. "Save some other Joshes in the world."

The next day, Sam switched her major.

Time moved on, as it has a way of doing, and with it went the memories of that night. Full recollections had broken off into fragments, little snippets that would pop up here and there like bouts of déjà vu. They'd bump into each other from time to time, making idle chitchat and blatantly ignoring the incessant pulling to ask each other the questions that still nagged at them; all the loose ends.

Yes, money had a therapeutic effect on helping them forget that night on Mount Washington.

But no amount of money would let Sam forget about Josh. _Not really._

_...That's why she never took it._

* * *

_To Be Continued..._


	2. 9 Years Later

 

* * *

 

**_9 Years After Dawn - Los Angeles, California_ **

Her eyes fluttered open. Looking at the clock, she saw it was only 5:17am. Her alarm wasn’t due to go off for another thirty minutes, but she knew she wouldn’t be able to fall back to sleep. There was always a weight that pressed down on her when she first woke up, and today was no exception.

_“Day 3,633 since dawn. Breathe, Sam. You’re safe in your own home. Everyone you know is in a better place. Let’s get up.”_

She sat up after this internal dialogue. It had become a daily ritual, something that she was taught when she was still in her early days of college. It was almost like a quick meditation; a pep talk of sorts to remind yourself that you survived some horrific event in your life.

 _“I am a warrior. Brave, strong, and knowledgeable.”_ She chanted this as she pulled on her yoga pants and tied her running shoes tight. She slipped on her shirt and tied her hair up, grabbed a water bottle out of the fridge, and was out the door.

It was still dark out, the streets deserted of all people and cars. It’s what made living in a small neighborhood so enjoyable. Sure, it made the commute to work longer, but she never once arrived later than 7:45.

Her morning jog was more like a sprint today; something had her heart racing as if her body knew something crazy was going to happen. She focused on the sounds of her shoes hitting the pavement and her even breathing. The turn was nearing already. Did she ever make it to this point this fast before?

A streetlamp turned off suddenly and it made the shadows shift. She gasped when she lost her breathing pattern; her lungs felt hot and the thumping of her heart was like a rushing wave in her ears. It started to sound like wheezing and then a high-pitched ringing.

Sam touched her hip where she usually kept her iPod, but she was in such a hurry for no reason this morning that she forgot to grab it. She should’ve known better—music was the only thing that blocked out monsters.

She could just turn around and run back home. It would be quicker—safer. But going back the way she came scared her more than making that turn up ahead. She took a long drink of water, swallowed roughly, then picked up her pace as she rounded the turn.

 _“You can run away from anything. When you come full circle, then, and_ only _then, can you—.”_

Another streetlamp went off and though in the back of her mind she knew it was because the sun was rising and some of the light sensors were more sensitive than others, the front of her mind was seeing something entirely different.

_“It’s almost dawn, it’s almost dawn, two more minutes…”_

She raced down the street, made another turn.

 _“I can save him, I can save him, I can save him—I just need to make it in time.”_ There was a shortcut up ahead—a small trail between a few houses that could lead her straight home. But the trail would be completely dark. Risk the dark trail and make it home in one minute…or stay on the street and make it home in five?

Her decisions raced through her like two jets about to collide. _“Stay on the lit street.”_ And just like that, she ran past the trail and stayed on the road. It was the decision she made every single day. But so far, it’s never failed her. She always gets through the day to be able to wake up the next morning and do it all again.

Another turn made. One more to go. A loud screech echoed around the silence. She almost screamed but quickly realized it was just an old car’s engine turning over.  

 _“They should really get that fixed…”_ she shook her head as she passed the culprit of her superficial scare. But although she was running away from the horrible sound, it sounded like it kept getting closer and closer. She didn’t turn around to find out.

 _“Just run, don’t hide.”_ She made the final turn. She saw her home six houses down. The ringing in her ears made her deaf and she was almost certain she was running at top speed, but it seemed like her house kept getting further and further away. She often had a dream where she was trying to run away from _something_ but her legs refused to move and she left herself open as a stranded sacrifice.

Sweat poured into her eyes but she only blinked them away, and she bounded up her porch steps and crashed through the front door.

“Hey, good morning, Sunshine.”

Her fiancé stood at the island in their kitchen, pouring two glasses of a green smoothie from a blender.

“’Morning,” she answered in a normal tone as though her run and her thoughts didn’t just happen, “Sorry if I woke you.”

“Nah,” he waved it off, grabbing the glasses and walking toward her, “Though I _was_ wondering why you started so early. I said I was going to join you today, remember?”

Sam let out a heavy breath, taking a glass from him with an apologetic stare, “I’m so sorry, Liam…I completely forgot,” she nudged him playfully, “though you’ve said that before, but you haven’t jogged with me since college.”

“Touché,” they clinked glasses before downing the kale smoothie in one go.

“Gonna hop in the shower before work,” she told him.

Liam placed their glasses on the counter before grabbing her hips and pressing them against his, “Now that’s something I’ll _always_ join you for.”

Laughing, she grabbed his hands and dragged him with her, her feet carrying her backward, “ _O-kay,_ but we have to make it quick. I have a new patient at eight sharp, and you know how I hate bad first impressions.”

“I can go as fast as you like, baby,” he grinned, which showed off how handsome his face could be with his high cheekbones and translucent blue eyes.

 

* * *

 

 

Sam arrived at work forty minutes early. She parked in her front row assigned spot, smiling to herself when she read the sign that said, “Dr. Jensen.” In another six months, she’ll be asking it to be changed to “Dr. Graham.” The modification was exciting to look forward to, but she wasn’t sure if she’d ever feel the same excitement as when she first saw her full name, “Dr. Samantha Abigail Jensen, PhD.” Getting her degree was her greatest achievement. A lot of people told her she’s feel happiness like never before as soon as the words “I do” were spoken, but she just smiled tightly and said, “I can’t wait.”

She decided that she had time to run to her favorite Coffee and Tea place and grab an herbal green tea before work. It was only two streets down. Her heels clicked on the sidewalk as she walked with her head held high and a big smile on her face. _“Feel accomplished. Be proud of yourself.”_ Something else she always told herself. She normally was not a fan of heels, but she couldn’t deny how powerful they made her feel.

The line to get tea was long, but she expected it so got behind about twenty people to patiently wait her turn. She checked her cell: 7:15am. She texted Liam, “ _Have a great day. Love you!”_ and waited for a response but it never came. She assumed he was still driving or already at work.

A few moments later, she looked up the line to see there was only ten more people in front of her. She looked down the street she would walk to get back to work, absently thinking about the report she’d have to write up later that night about her new patient. It often took a few hours longer than usual, simply because she had to write out all the basics as well. That is—as long as he talked to her.

Then someone caught her eye in the crowd. She tipped her head to the side as she watched him glance both ways before crossing the street. He was wearing dark jeans and a black hoodie that was pulled over his head. He could have easily been any normal street walker, but no—she saw those eyes. And she was pretty sure no one else in the world had _those_ eyes…

She lost her place in line as she walked down the street, her eyebrows narrowed, her mind trying to think rationally.

_“That couldn’t have been him, you idiot. He’s dead, remember? Dead. D-E-A-D.”_

He was walking fast and she tried to walk the same speed to catch up but her heels wouldn’t allow for that. The street was also crowded, so she had to constantly dodge people while still keeping eye contact on the back of that familiar hoodie…

The crowd got thicker. She kept losing sight of him. In a momentary state of panic, she raised and voice and yelled, _“Josh!”_

A few other people who may have been named Josh turned to look at her, but dismissed her when they didn’t recognize her. But the hooded man didn’t even pause. Sam stopped walking, her heart pounding hard against her chest.

_“You’re past this, remember? Survivor’s guilt is normal, but there’s no reason to feel guilty. You did everything you could, you did everything you could.”_

She breathed in heavily through her nose and released it slowly from her lips. She was just under too much stress. She had a new patient to worry about, planning the wedding, finding a perfect dress…she just had to clear her mind. _“Meditation for me later.”_ She mentally marked it on her calendar.

Sam continued walking to work. She didn’t have time for that tea now, but she really didn’t need it anyway. She’d just grab a cup of coffee at work, even though she would probably only take two sips before forgetting about it.

She made it to her building, walking in through the thick doors that drowned out all the loud noise outside. She made her way to the reception area where her secretary sat behind a computer. Bryana was a twenty-two year old undergraduate, but she looked no older with sixteen with her innocent eyes behind hipster glasses. Sam always saw the look of admiration and respect in her eyes when she looked at her, and it was just one more thing that made Sam remember why she was living.

“Good morning, Dr. Jensen, how are you today?”

“Very well, thank you,” Sam answered with a smile, “How are my appointments looking this morning? Has our new one arrived yet?”

“Actually…he just called and cancelled—literally right before you walked in,” Bryana let her know, showing Sam her notepad that had “11/2, 7:43am, E.R. cancel” scribbled at the top.

Sam sighed and took out her cell phone. 7:44 and also no text from Liam, “Okay, well is anyone else here to take his place?”

“No, ma’am. Your next appointment isn’t until ten-thirty.”

Sam rubbed her forehead. She felt like she had a rough morning even though nothing had really happened. She didn’t know why she felt so drained—or disappointed over her new client’s cancellation, “Did he reschedule?”

“Yes, tomorrow at eight.”

“Of course…” Sam shouldn’t have been too surprised that Elliot Roth cancelled. A lot of new patients do because they get nervous and think putting it off helps. But if he cancelled once, he might be prone to cancelling again, and morning cancellations were the worst. “Listen, can you cancel all my appointments for the rest of the day? I’m—not feeling too well, I think I might just go back home.”

Bryana nodded and began typing quickly on her keyboard, “No problem, I’ll start making the phone calls now.”

“Thank you. Good luck on your tests later,” Sam waved over her shoulder as she turned to leave. She always made sure to know when Bryana had a lot of studying to do, because when she was in school, her bosses weren’t so happy with her schedule changes even though they were almost always necessary. Some people only cared about money made and lost…

 

* * *

 

The drive home felt strange, but she couldn’t place her finger on why exactly. She traveled the same route every day. Granted, she never drove home at eight in the morning driving _toward_ the sun where she was blinded almost the whole way. Even with her sunglasses and car visor, the autumn sun reflected off of every other car as it stared directly at her.

She flipped through the radio stations. _“—unsuspecting victim of darkness in the valley. We can live like Jack and Sally if we want. Where you can always find me, and we’ll have Halloween on Christmas…”_

A smile tugged at her lips at the old song. It always reminded her of times when she was younger and would watch _The Nightmare Before Christmas_ with Hannah and Beth. It was a favorite movie of theirs and they would spend hours singing the catchy songs. She recalled a particular time when she was sixteen. She went up to Josh teasingly and sang in her not-so-good singing voice, “ _For it is plain as anyone could see…we’re simply meant—to be…”_

And she never did forget the darkness in his eyes when he pulled her forward and asked, “You want to be my Sally?”

That night she went to the tree in her backyard and chipped “J+S” into the bark. When asked about it later, she simply said she shipped Jack and Sally. But she knew what those initials really stood for…

She caught herself giggling at the memory even though tears were burning the side of her eyes. Those were the best days of her life, and that wasn’t just nostalgia talking. She was happy every single day, always hanging out with Hannah and very often, Beth as well. How her heart would always swell with giddiness every time Josh would show himself. He was her first “adult” crush and even though she knew there were plenty of guys that wanted to date her in her junior and senior year, she was never interested.

She was pretty sure everyone knew about her crush even though she didn’t tell anyone, even Hannah. She didn’t want Hannah to feel weird about her best friend having a crush on her brother. Although, thinking back on it, she doubted Hannah would have been that grossed out. If anything, they could have talked about how one day they’d be sisters and how Sam could give Hannah tiny nieces and nephews to spoil.

But Hannah ended up crushing on Mike, who happened to be Beth’s best friend’s boyfriend. Emily suddenly became part of their group and she always brought Mike along. Beth was also dating someone casually at the time—what was his name? Sam couldn’t remember.

Their group was big. Mike and Emily, Beth and her guy, Chris and Ashley, Hannah, Josh, and herself. Sam hated how there were times when she felt obligated to distract Hannah from Mike, because she could have easily been using all that energy on Josh. But she didn’t want Hannah to be the only single one, and so she was the perfect best friend and was there for her, telling her things like “Mike will come around and see what a perfect girl you are!” and “He totally just flirted with you.”

In retrospect, she probably shouldn’t have encouraged Hannah so much. It was obvious that Mike wasn’t interested in her. Still, she knew how hard it was to ignore a crush. It consumes your brain and no matter how many times you tell yourself that it can never work, the heart continues its crazy pattern and always beats wildly for that one person.

And every time she sat with Hannah and fed her lies, she would always glance over at Josh to catch him staring at her. His eyes were hypnotizing. She never knew what he was thinking though. He always seemed to have this deep, dark secret that he swore never to share with anyone.

Josh drank a lot though. She didn’t know why, but she chalked it up to him being a _bad boy_ and though she always promised herself to never fall for that type, the more and more she saw him, the more and more she fell for him.

He once cornered her when they were all at a bowling alley. She had just come out of the restroom and there he was, leaning against a wall with his knee bent and foot pressed against the wall, a glass of alcohol covering his lips.

“You aren’t bowling?” She asked as she stood beside him, wanting so badly for even their shoulders to touch.

“Not my turn,” he answered simply, “Sammy…”

No one ever called her thought except her mother, but she allowed it, “Yes, Josh?”

“I’m thinking about having a party at my parents lodge on Mount Washington. Care to attend?”

Her eyes widened at his invitation and she was nodding before she could even think about it, “That sounds fun! How many people will be there?”

“Not many,” he answered, smirking as he leaned closer to her like he was about to tell her a secret, “It’ll just be an _intimate_ party.”

Sam felt her throat close at his words. She had to force her eyes away from him, her hand twitching up to place a stray strand of hair behind her ear, “I’ll be there.”

She snapped back to the present as she turned into her garage. She hardly remembered her drive home, glad that autopilot kicked in. She wasn’t even sure why she was daydreaming so much. She very often got hit with memories, but they were usually brief and short lived.

Sam unlocked the door and walked into her empty home, glad that Liam was at work all day and she could have many hours of alone time. She really felt like she needed it.

_“Meow!”_

Sam smiled down at her tabby cat, Clarice (Cee-Cee), and picked her up, “Sorry, you’re gonna have to spend the day with me today. Hopefully you didn’t expect a tomcat to visit?”

The cat only meowed again and allowed itself to be loved for a few minutes before wanting to be put down. Sam stood in the silence as the cat ran off into another room to probably go to sleep. She bit her lip and looked at the door that led to their storage room. There was a shoebox in there that she swore to either throw away or give to her mother, because she didn’t think it was healthy to hang onto it.

Still, it was like it was calling to her today. She found it quickly and brought it back into the living room, staring at it like it was Pandora’s Box and she was about to release some demons. Which—she probably was.

She ran her hand over the top before popping off the top. The top picture was of her, Hannah, Beth, and Josh. It was during a Washington family reunion and one of the aunt’s wanted a picture of the three siblings, but they all insisted that Sam join the picture because she was practically family anyway.

She was between Hannah and Josh, her head resting on Josh’s shoulder. It was something she decided she was going to do at the very last second. She loved the way it felt. She had images of him pulling her closer and kissing her forehead, whispering for her to meet him upstairs in ten minutes.

But she could never tell if he was into her or just very aware that she was into him and egging her on. There were many times where he was super distant—like he hardly realized she was there. Or anyone, for that matter. She didn’t know it at the time, but it was probably due to his medications. But those times where he was clear-headed, his focus seemed to be completely on her.

She went through more pictures. All of the old crew. Ashley and Chris sent her a couple pictures of their wedding. She didn’t attend. She thought she needed to, but in the end, she came up with an excuse (“School is just so demanding…”). But she was still mourning over the loss of Josh and was pretty upset at Chris for being so happy and getting married. She regretted missing it after the fact.

Pictures of Emily and Mike that then turned into Jessica and Mike and Emily and Matt. She wondered if they were still together.

Pictures of herself and Hannah. _BFFs!!_ Pictures of herself and Josh. Hannah was her best friend to the rest of the world, and even to her, but she also had another _secret_ best friend. Josh. Josh was her secret _everything._

She pressed her thumb against the picture, wishing she could be touching the real Josh. _“Why did I think that was him I saw earlier? Where did he come from? I mean, I think about him a lot but to_ imagine _seeing him? That’s new…”_

There was a letter in an opened envelope. It was from Chris. He sent the pictures with it, and his letter basically talked about how beautiful Ashley looked into her wedding dress and to call him if she ever needed to talk. She never did.

But looking at that ten-digit number now, she suddenly wanted to check in. As a psychiatrist, she often tried to take her own advice and just take a leap of faith. _“If you think you_ should _do something…do it.”_

She took out her cell and pressed in the numbers with surprisingly steady fingers. She put it on speaker. The ringing was loud in the otherwise empty house, but it was answered on the fourth ring.

“Hello?”

She swallowed, “Hi…Chris? It’s Sam.”

She smiled slightly when he laughed and said joyously, “Samantha Jensen? No shit! How are you? It’s been….what seven, eight years since we last spoke?”

Sam placed her hands over her eyes, “Yeah…it’s been awhile…I was just…going through some old pictures and thought…I mean…I wondered—how are you?”

“Perfect! Hold on one sec.”

She heard him talking to some people in the background and assumed he was at work and asked to step away for a moment. There was some static, then he was back, “Sorry about that. What were we saying?” Before she could answer, he went on, “Oh yeah! So my daughter is starting kindergarten next year and Ashley’s eight months pregnant right now.”

Sam’s face crunched up into a weird hybrid of a frown and a grin, but she let out a short laugh and held back her tears, “Chris, that’s so great…I couldn’t be happier for you two…”

He chuckled, “We live in a four-bedroom home so crossing my fingers for one more after this!”

She picked up the picture that had all eight of them in it. Ashley and Chris were always the most awkward of the group, but everyone always secretly rooted for them. Everyone knew that they liked each other, but bets were made on how long it would take before either one decided to make a move. And now here they were with two children…

“I’m…umm…a psychiatrist now,” she revealed. She suddenly felt very behind on life. Chris was on the verge of being successful when she talked to him eight years ago. So with a career, a wife, kids, and a house under his belt, he was further ahead than she was.

“ _Wow,_ really? You were so— _conservationist_ before. Good for you!” He paused here and Sam wanted to tell him a million things based on that day alone, but couldn’t find the words. Talking to someone from her past…it was strange. Like it was a place she didn’t belong anymore but longed to go back to.

Her pause was long enough for him to continue, “So…kids? Husband?”

She shook her head despite being on the phone, “No…” she thought about mentioning being engaged but suddenly felt ashamed about it. She wasn’t sure why.

“Oh…” he replied awkwardly. Another pause, then he went on, “Well hey, we won’t be able to work on that third child for a while now, which means we have a guest bedroom if you ever wanted to come visit. I can text you our address.”

“That sounds perfect,” she said even though she wasn’t sure if she meant it. She flipped through more pictures, “Hey…random question…do you ever—you know, think you _see_ things? People? I mean…I thought I saw Josh today…”

She couldn’t believe she just admitted that aloud. And to a guy that she hadn’t talked to in years and who used to be Josh’s best friend.

“Sam…” he was quiet for a moment before slowing asking, “Ashley and I would really love for you to visit. We’d love to catch up. You love kids, right? Elizabeth would _love_ you.”

The first thing she noticed was that he said “love” a lot, which meant she made him nervous and uneasy. She didn’t blame him. He maybe thought she was psycho. _Maybe._ He was still inviting her to meet his kid, so maybe he just thought her _unwell._

“Uh…have you kept in touch with…anyone else?” She asked, desperate to change the conversation now.

“I—,” he got cut off by a guy in the back. She could hear voices but not words, “Hey, Sam, I’m sorry but I’m at work and things are kinda crazy right now…can we call you back later?”

She swallowed, her voice cracking, “Yeah. I’ll—look forward to it.”

“Perfect! It was good hearing your voice. Take care.”

And that was that. She should have known that he would be at work and couldn’t really talk. But still—the thought of taking some time off in the near future and visiting Chris and Ashley didn’t sound like an _awful_ idea. Maybe she could even take Liam to meet them…

But the thought of Liam meeting her friends from the past made her sick with anxiety.

It was never meant to be Chris and Ashley, and Sam and _Liam._

She sat back against the couch and flipped through more pictures. She didn’t have any of her and Josh after Beth and Hannah’s _disappearance._ He always held up his hand to hide his face every time he saw a camera. It’s like he thought the boogeyman’s face would show up instead of his. Though, she had to admit to herself, he did start looking worse after his sisters were declared dead. Bags were heavy under his eyes and his stares were blanker.

Sam thought about the first time she saw Josh after the incident. A few months had passed, but him and his parents were supposedly going through a lot of grief counseling among other things. But when Chris told her that Josh was home and doing a little better, Sam drove to his house as fast as possible.

His dad opened the door when she knocked, simply saying, “He’s in his room,” before she even asked. She walked in and greeted Melinda, but she only gave her a half-hearted wave. She had no idea what to say, and as she made her way up the stairs, she realized she didn’t know what to say to Josh either. She may have lost her best friend, but Josh lost half his family.

Josh’s door was cracked and she knocked softly even though it couldn’t have been heard over the music. Hedley was blasting from his computer, the lyrics to “For the Night I Can’t Remember” filling her ears to the point where she could hardly hear her own thoughts.

“Josh?” She called out anyway, pushing the door open and stepping into his room. She didn’t see him. She wrapped her arms around herself, glancing over at the open window and trying not to think the worst.

_“Me, I’m used to being tired and bloody! But you believed that I could be somebody! You put your world on hold for me!”_

She made her way over to the window, cautiously pulling the curtains aside, when she heard Josh calling her name from behind her.

“Sam? What are you doing?”

She jumped and spun around. He was standing in front of his door looking tired, beaten, and sick. He looked paler than usual and the bags under his eyes looked like they were trying to drag his eyes down his face.

“I…wanted to see you,” she said simply but bravely. She bounced her fists against her outer thighs before crossing her arms again, “Chris told me you’d be home…”

“Ah. Well... _here I am,”_ and his sarcasm didn’t go unnoticed by her.

“I…missed you,” she said, but didn’t think he could hear her over his music. She wanted to ask if he could turn it down, but figured he would have done so already if he wanted it lower. She watched as he pressed a palm against his forehead and closed his eyes. It looked like he was trying to push something into his mind—or push something out. She waited. But he didn’t move from this position.

Tears brimmed her eyes and she couldn’t even stop herself from running to him and wrapping her arms around his waist, burying her face in his chest.

_“And I—do…wanna love you. If you see me runnin’ back. And I—do…wanna try—Because if falling for you girl is crazy…”_

She mumbled something into his shirt, she didn’t even know what, but all she knew was that she promised herself to be strong for him. But the moment she felt him against her, she burst into tears. She wanted to tell him how sorry she was about his sisters, yet tell him that she was so glad he was still there because she didn’t know what she would do without him.

_“Then I’m going out of my mind. So hold back your tears this time. And what if I never said to you that I was dynamite? And what if I never told you I’m afraid to cry?”_

She waited for him to embrace her, but she never felt his arms. She eventually got the courage to look up into his face as she continued to hold him, but his eyes were staring off into space and it was very obvious that he was not there with her.

“Josh,” she cupped his face and got him to look at her, “Josh…please talk to me…”

He blinked, seeming to recognize her at least, “S-sorry…I’ve just been…really tired this past…week…”

She nodded in understanding, leading him to his bed and pressing him to lay down. He did so without resistance, his eyes closing as soon as his head hit his pillow. She went to his computer and shut it down so the music wouldn’t bother him. But she was surprised when she turned back around to see him staring at her.

He raised an arm, “Lay with me, Sammy.”

She did so without hesitation, grateful to feel his arms around her this time as she snuggled into his chest. His heart beating against her cheek was a blessing.

Sam blinked and it was dark outside. She could still feel Josh’s arm around her. It felt heavier than it should have been and she shifted to try to get more comfortable. Her body froze when she quickly realized that something was wrong. She felt no heartbeat nor any warmth. She glanced up and came face to face with sharp teeth and soulless eyes. The wendigo opened its mouth to screech its terrifying call.

Sam sat up in bed with sweat pouring down the side her face. She felt around on her bed, her mind trying to figure out where she was. Her cell phone was ringing which was what probably woke her up—not including the nightmare she just had.

She was alone in her bed. It was present day. She must have fallen asleep looking at pictures…she looked at the one she was gripping. It was of her and Josh—Josh was kissing her on the side of the forehead while she gave a funny face full of wonderment.

“Fuck!” She yelled, knowing that she should have never went through that stupid shoebox. Her phone stopped ringing for a few seconds, but then whoever it was called her right back. She finally looked at it to see it was Liam calling. And it was 6:16pm.

 _“Fuck!”_ Sam cursed again, remembering instantly that she had a dinner date with him and her mom. She answered, “I’m so sorry, I’m on my way!”

 

* * *

  
_To Be Continued..._

 


	3. The Elusive, Mysterious Elliot Roth

 

 

**_Dinner With Liam and Margaret - 7:15 PM - Los Angeles_ **

“Sorry, I'm sorry...  _ so sorry!” _ Sam repeated over and over again as she hurriedly approached the table where Liam and her mom were seated. She brushed her wild hair from her forehead and out of her eyes so she could see her mother as she leaned down and kissed her on the cheek, the same for Liam. He stood, pulling out a chair for her and helping her as she pulled off her heavy coat.

“No worries, Sammy,” Margaret said with a lighthearted chuckle, watching her adorably flustered daughter take the seat beside her. She reached over, taming a loose strand of Sam's hair lovingly before resting her palm on Sam’s cheek. “We know you're busy.” 

Liam snapped his fingers at a waiter a few times to get his attention before quietly ordering Sam a glass of Pinot Grigio, to which she bit her tongue and smiled tightly. She'd told him maybe _ a billion _ times that it was actually Pinot  _ Noir _ that she drank, but the information never seemed to stay embedded in his memory for long enough to stop him from regularly ordering it. He turned towards her with a bright, proud smile, his arm instinctively landing on the back of her chair and against her shoulder blades.

“How was your first day with the new patient?” he said with a nod in her direction, his glass of whiskey being brought to his lips. Sam still felt a hundred miles away.  _ Get it together, Sam. Shake it off. _ She leaned forward, and away from the weight of Liam's arm against her back; it made her feel stifled. She needed the space to breathe.

“Oh, uh...yeah. Rescheduled,” she said simply with a slight shrug. The waiter set the wineglass in front of her, and even if it wasn't her favorite, she snapped her hand out and brought the glass up happily; anything to take a bit of the anxiety away from her. Liam and Margaret both watched Sam's gulps, sharing a look between one another.

“Sam...  _ sweetie... _ are you alright?” Margaret asked, scooting her chair slightly closer to Sam as she winced a bit from the taste of the wine. Sam opened her mouth to speak; she usually told her mother  _ everything _ . In fact, after the day she'd had today, the only person she  _ wanted _ to spill her innermost thoughts to was her mother. But, her eyes flitted to Liam for a moment, leaning in and listening intently, and she relinquished another smile in Margaret's direction instead. She couldn't talk about this in front of him. She'd never even told him about that night on Mount Washington. She'd never told him about the death of her friends, the countless years of therapy she went through herself or about how failing Josh was the single most important reason why she had decided to become a psychiatrist in the first place. She certainly never told him she was madly in love with him and that a part of her would always belong to him -  _ No _ . Things like that had never come up.

“I’m fine,” she finally declared, forcing her most convincing smile this time. Margaret nodded, but Sam could still see the worry behind her mother's eyes - although it seemed enough for Liam. She took in a ragged breath, pulling on a mask to hide any more of her apprehension from the two people she loved the most. It was better this way.

“Oh, I  _ forgot _ !” Margaret exclaimed suddenly, reaching down into her purse to fish something out. “I was going through old boxes today... and I found...  _ this _ !” she beamed, flattening out a piece of cloth against the table, smoothing it out with her hands. Sam glanced at it before reaching down and running her fingertips across the embroidery –  _ S+J _ . Sam admired it, recognizing the initials as her grandparents’ – Sarah and Jacob. She couldn’t help but note another S+J in her mind…

“This is  _ beautiful _ ,” Sam breathed, unable to take her eyes off of the letters.

“Your grandmother had this gifted to her on the day she married your papa. I wanted you to have it for your wedding.”

“Thanks, mom,” Sam said, her eyes unable to leave the tattered, old piece of cloth. It felt wasted upon her, as though she wasn’t worthy of such a gift - and she didn’t know where these thoughts had come from. Suddenly, after the events of the day she felt 16 again, unsure and scared of every decision she made. 

“Very nice,” Liam agreed, rubbing the cloth between his pointer finger and his thumb. “Thanks,  _ Ms. J _ .” Sam had to keep from rolling her eyes. She hated when he called her that.

And besides,  _ ‘thanks,’ _ wasn’t enough in Sam’s mind. Her grandparents were the most amazing, loving couple she’d ever seen in her life. Maybe they were the only role models of a marriage she’d ever had, considering her parent’s divorce when she was 13. She remembered that day like it was yesterday. Of course, after the news broke, she had  _ ‘ran away’ _ to the Washington home to see her best friends.

Hannah had been preoccupied with practicing her clarinet for the school recital, although she’d still attempted to offer some stock words of wisdom.

“This isn’t your fault,” she’d promised. “These things just…  _ happen... _ sometimes.” Her eyes suddenly brightened with an optimistic smile. “And now at least you get to have  _ two _ Christmases!” 

Sam wasn’t so easily swayed, though, her heart in pieces as she sat on the swing in the Washington’s backyard, just reflecting on life and the end of her world as she knew it. 

“It’s  _ not _ the end of the world,” Josh promised, his 14 year old face and braces still perfectly preserved in her memory. “I mean… Parents suck you know? But they’re people. And they deserve to be happy...even if that means that they’re apart.”

“But why can’t the just figure it out?” Sam mumbled, digging her sneaker into the wet, crumbling dirt beneath her feet. “Why can’t they just get along?” Josh gave a shrug, the first in a lifetime of shrugs that she would witness. A sigh.

“I mean… I  _ dunno _ . My parents barely even _ talk _ . They just seem to hate each other… To be honest, I kinda just wish they’d go their separate ways. I’d rather them be divorced than living a lie…”

Sam thought about that for a moment; in the time she’d been friends with the Washingtons, she’d never seen Bob or Melinda even show the  _ slightest _ bit of affection towards one another. Maybe Josh was right. In fact, he usually was. Sam learned a lot of valuable lessons from the eldest Washington sibling.

Dinner went by fast, and Sam made a mental note to give her mom a call to tell her just what was going through her mind and why she’d seemed so weird. They’d said goodbye and Sam promised to call her tomorrow, but she had no idea how to even begin to explain where her head was at dinner. She’d smoothly avoided answering any questions about the wedding the whole night simply because she had no  _ idea _ what she wanted. Dress fittings were coming up soon, and Sam hadn’t even picked her colors. Hell, she didn’t even have bridesmaids.

Once they’d made it home, Sam entered their bedroom, trying her best to push all of the thoughts out of her head. Liam stood nearby, loosening his tie while he went on and on about the most recent bullet points of his meeting this morning, all of which was of very little interest to her. She leaned against the door, reaching up to take her hair down as she smiled a bit in his direction, at least giving off the impression that she was listening.

Liam was a good man;  _ uncomplicated. _ Smart. He was very ‘husband material,’ as her mother had said before - the first and last thing Margaret had ever said in regards to the man. Sam had been with him for a long time now, and she couldn't really imagine her life without him; although she wasn't sure if it was because she couldn't live without him or if she just hadn't ever tried.

She glanced down at her engagement ring, sparkling in the low lights of bedroom. It was massive. Gaudy. So unlike her. When he'd presented it to her, she had to mentally block herself from thinking about all of the hungry children they could have fed with the cost of this ring alone, and now it rested comfortably on her finger. She always felt a little bit like a fraud, wearing it around. It brought too much attention to her in a way that she wasn't comfortable with, but she always figured she'd have to get used to. Liam liked the finer things in life, and Sam would be his wife soon.

“ _ Sam _ ,” he said her name, and it almost sounded harsh. She snapped her head in his direction, and the look on his face made her realize he'd been trying to get her attention for a little while.

“Yeah, sorry,” she finally said, shaking her head, as well as the thoughts along with it. He chuckled at her, tossing his belt to the side of the room where it landed on a sitting chair with a plop. He walked toward her.

“Where  _ are _ you tonight? You're so out of it,” he said, cupping her cheeks in each of his hands. He gave her a very gentle shake, “ _ Earth to Samantha _ ,” he teased before leaning down and pressing a kiss to her involuntarily puckered lips before he let go and walked passed her to the bathroom. She laughed a bit, despite herself.

“I'm sorry, I don't know. Today was just... a weird day,” she sighed. For a split second, she almost considered telling him about seeing Josh, but she knew she'd have to also explain who  _ Josh _ was, and everything else that came along with it. She walked over to her vanity, taking a seat on the hard bench as she caught her reflection in the mirror. She absently took her brush in her hand, combing out her long, golden hair. It had kinks in it all over from being up all day, and when she ran the brush's bristles down the length of it, it only seemed to cause it to frizz. Even her bedtime ritual just felt... off.

“My parents said they are planning on an Italian spread for the rehearsal dinner, by the way. I told them that was fine,” Liam said, poking his head out of the bathroom for a moment. “I figured that's fine with you? I'll make sure they have Eggplant Parmesan.”

“Fine,” she uttered, slightly positive that the only thing she'd be able to eat at her own rehearsal dinner would be salad... since vegan italian food was hard to come by. Maybe if she was still living in the crunchy, nature loving Pacific Northwest that would be an option... but not the chic, slick LA area they lived in now.

Sam was in a daze, her brain felt heavy sitting in her skull as she kept thinking about what she’d thought she’d saw earlier today, despite her best efforts to stop. It looked so much like him, and she hated the tailspin it seemed to cause on her own psyche. She had done a pretty good job, these last few years, getting his memories purged from her - in retrospect it probably wasn’t the best idea, considering now it was all coming back to her at once. 

What she hated the most was the longing and aching she was carrying in her heart now, and she felt so alone. She thought again about divulging a bit of her strife to Liam. That was, of course, the healthy thing to do. She wanted to be able to share everything with him… but there were some things that couldn’t be explained to someone who didn’t experience it first-hand. And although she hadn’t talked to the gang (aside from Chris earlier that day) in the better half of the last 8 years, she still felt just as connected to them as she was the night it happened. Tragedies bond people.

Sam had enough of these thoughts today. She reached into the drawer of her vanity and pulled out a bottle of Xanex before popping one in her mouth - prescribed to her just in case she ever felt that anxiety she’d coped with for the last 9 years begin to creep up on her. What was still bothering her when she wiped her face, removing her make up with a moist towelette, was how badly she had  _ wished _ it were him. As though no time had passed at all.

_ If wishes were fishes, the sea would be full of ‘em.  _

She used to say that to Hannah all the time, each time Hannah threw herself on her bed and lamented about how in love with Mike she was or how she wished he’d break up with Emily. Sam would just sit in the desk chair beside her, casually flipping through a magazine or playing some music on the computer. Hannah was such a wisher, such a dreamer.

_ How could I forget about them? All of them? _

_ How could I forget about him? _

Arms wrapping around Sam’s waist pulled her out of her brief memory, and for some reason that she couldn’t explain, she felt herself shying away from Liam’s touch. She stood, abruptly breaking the contact with him. He didn’t seem to notice, which made her feel relieved. 

“I’m going to bed,” she said, almost robotically. The Xanex was already kicking in. Her eyes felt heavy; she wondered if she looked as delirious as she felt. She turned, walking towards the giant, fluffy, queen bed. Liam smiled, his own eyes following her every movement, and she knew that smile like she knew every bit of him.  _ Uncomplicated _ . She never wondered what was going through his head, she was never baffled by his actions. “I… I’ve got a big morning tomorrow,” she said quietly, turning down the sheets and fluffing up her pillow. “You… understand, right?” 

“Of course,” he said, walking to his side of the bed and pulling down the rest of the blankets. He gave a shrug. “I’m not so greedy to think I can have you two times today…” Sam smiled, but she kinda felt put off by the comment. Before, she might have found it endearing or cute, but for some reason it just didn’t have the same effect tonight. Sam crawled into bed next to Liam before pressing a quick kiss into his cheek.

“Night,” she said, before turning away from him. She was already dozing off before her head hit the pillow.

* * *

**_November 3rd - Session 1 - Elliot Roth_ **

Sam awoke and noticed there was far too much daylight in her bedroom, and she had to do a double-take. 7:21 am. Sam shot up in a panic, her heart racing; how did this happen? How did she over-sleep so badly? She turned beside her to see Liam's side of the bed vacant – he must have gone into the office early and decided not to wake her.

She threw the covers up and over, feeling frustrated that she'd been more than prepared for her new client  _ yesterday _ , before he'd canceled on her, but that was beside the point. She quickly dressed in everything she'd worn the day before, hoping Bryana wouldn't notice, or, at the very least, be nice enough not to point it out if she did.

She made it out of the house in record time, silently cursing under her breath and just knowing that with traffic she was never going to make it in time. When she finally jogged into her office, Bryana just looked at her helplessly; she was 26 minutes late and there was no one waiting in the lounge.

“Did I miss him?” Sam asked, her voice rushed and barely distinguishable due to the bobby-pin between her lips as she tried to fasten her hair atop her head. Bryana hung up the phone, sweeping around the desk with a file and a cup of coffee – Sam made a mental note to give this girl a raise.

“He's in your office, he was actually a couple minutes late so I had him fill out paperwork to pass the time, he doesn't even know you're late,” she said quickly, running to the other side of Sam and pulling the back of her blazer jacket free of her pencil skirt. Sam mouthed a silent thank you and took the folder and coffee in each hand quickly, before scurrying down the hallway.

She stood outside the tall, oak doors to her office.

“ _ I am a warrior. Brave, strong, and knowledgeable,”  _ she silently chanted to herself after realizing that she hadn't gotten the opportunity to earlier. She steadied her breath, trying in vain to feel like she had herself together for this – first impressions with new patients were so important – this was literally the worst day to sleep in... aside from maybe your wedding day.

She let out a sharp breath and felt her lips twist up into a forced, friendly smile before she pushed her door forward, opening up into her impeccably decorated, high-rise office. She glanced down at her file as she entered, trying to get a quick refresher on the name.  _ E.R. Ah, there it is. _ She caught it on the corner of the paper.

“Good morning, Mr. Roth. My name is-,” Sam began cheerfully, nearing her desk before her head arose to greet her newest patient.

Sam didn't finish her sentence - in fact, it felt like she’d gotten the wind knocked out of her. Before she'd gotten a chance to even begin to process what was happening to her, her hands released the folder and the coffee into a wet, shattered mess upon her rug. She didn't breathe, didn't move, didn't react whatsoever because there, sitting on the couch in front of her was the last person she'd ever expected to see again.

_ Josh _ .

No. There was no way it could be him. At least she didn't  _ think _ ...  _ God. He looks just like him. Those eyes… _

“Are you... alright?” he asked, but didn't show any movement in his body that indicated that he had any intention of helping her collect her now-soggy papers.

“ _ Josh _ ?” she breathed, her heart feeling like it might fall out of her chest. Her throat was raw, her vision blurred, which just made her second guess herself even more. He shook his head, leaning forward a bit on the couch, his elbows resting casually on his knees. He jutted a thumb at himself.

“Elliot,” he reminded her.  _ Elliot. Of course. Josh is dead. Elliot. _

“Right...” Sam coughed, shaking her head a bit, feeling dizzy. She leaned down, beginning to collect her papers as she tried her best not to stare at him, although it was nearly impossible. She could just barely make out his birth year in the paperwork, quickly figuring out that he was roughly 29 years old, a year older than she.

_ It cannot possibly be. There's no way. You went to his funeral, Sam. _

Sam tossed his ruined folder in the trash before calling in Bryana and asking her to print a new one. She stepped over the puddle of coffee – she'd get to that later - to near him, extending her hand, but he didn't take it.

“I'm Dr. Je-”

“-Jensen,” he finished for her. She was taken aback, and he just gave her an odd look. “I know. I booked the appointment,” he droned. It seemed slightly rude, but she had a hard time hearing it that way. She brought her hand back towards herself before she rubbed it along the fabric of her skirt, nervously.

“Right,” she nodded, gliding over a few feet away to take a seat in her chair, feeling sheepish and unprepared. “I'm sorry.”  _ Why the hell am I apologizing? _ “I'd uh... I'd like to jump right in, if we can-” Sam began, and although she'd said it numerous times to numerous clients, it felt incredibly unnatural to her this time. She reached down into her bag beside her and pulled out a recorder. She fumbled with it in her hands a bit, her nerves trying desperately to give her away. She glanced up at Elliot and noticed him staring at her, and she felt even more nervous. “I um... I find that writing during my sessions tends to be a bit distracting for me and my patient, so I typically record my sessions. Is that alright with you?

“As long as you don't plan on selling my story to a major movie studio, I'll allow it,” he jested, but it was so monotone and flat she had to really search for the humor in it.

“Oh, there's a separate waiver for that,” Sam smiled with a cavalier wave of her hand, and then stopped herself because for a brief second it felt like she was talking to an old friend, not a new patient.  _ Head in the game, Jensen. Keep it professional _ .

She took in a quick breath before smoothing out her skirt and clicking the recorder ON. “Patient Jos-” she paused, mortified, before clearing her throat. “Excuse me. Patient Elliot Roth, Age 29, Session 1 on November 3 rd , 2024.” She set it on the table beside her chair, carefully, before diverting her eyes back to his face. “Hello, Elliot... can you tell me why you cancelled yesterday?” She suddenly wondered if this was the man she saw in the crowd yesterday – the hoodie was certainly a match. He leaned back into the couch, as though he might want to disappear within it. He gave a slight shrug before an odd, inappropriate smile spread across his lips.

“Nerves? I guess?” he answered. His eyes burned into her – it almost stung. “Honestly, I've done this a lot in my life.”

“Done what?” Sam asked, unclear with his vague responses. He even sounded just like him. It made her stomach flip flop.

“Gone to therapists. But it's always the same. I'll give them an A for effort; they all seem to  _ want _ to help me.” he paused, and Sam found herself shifting uncomfortably in his silence. He leaned forward again, as though he was letting her in on a little secret and against her own will, Sam found herself leaning in as well. “It never works.”

“Well,” Sam choked, trying to force a smile; she knows it's a weak one. “I'm hoping this time it does.” Elliot looked like he wanted to laugh, but he didn’t.

“I should hope so,” he said, his voice flat and emotionless. Another shrug. “You're my last one.” Sam creased her brow, still baffled by his responses.

“What do you mean, Elliot?” she asked.

“I mean, I already decided when I chose you that you'd be my last.”

“That's a lot of pressure to put on yourself, don't you think?”

“No, it's a lot of pressure to put on  _ you. _ ” Sam's mouth ran dry once more, only this time she couldn't help but feel a wave of nervous heat wash over her body, flushing her cheeks red as she writed a bit under his intense stare. Sam didn't know what to do with herself. He was so intimidating but so familiar at the same time; on one hand she wanted to hide from him, on the other she wanted to hug him. She resisted both of those urges.

“I don't know about you, but I am certainly up for the challenge.” she assured, raising her chin a bit to at least  _ appear _ confident enough to match her own words.

“Bold Statement,  _ doctor _ .” She didn’t like the way he said that last word, almost as though he was mocking her. And yet, she could see the faintest smile attempting to show on his lips, and she had no idea how to read him –  _ yet. _ Sam was groomed and educated in the art of reading people, so this bothered her on various levels. She pushed it aside to continue the session, which already felt strange and out of her normal routine.

_ Greet patient. Establish a relationship. _ She began going through her mental checklist, trying to get herself back on track.

“Would you like to tell me why you're here?” she asked, glancing down at the new file in front of her.  _ Illusions of grandeur. Paranoia. Manic Depression. Hallucinations and delusions. _ These were the words of the therapists before her, and she couldn't help but notice the similarities between he and his look-alike. Same ailments.

She still couldn't stop staring at him- her eyes feverishly drinking in his face. It had been so long since she'd seen Josh... maybe Elliot  _ didn't  _ look like him. Maybe she was just projecting her own desires and stresses of yesterday upon someone who only kind of resembled him. Still, there was something about those eyes she couldn't discredit. She knew that even if she lived to be 100 years old, she'd never forget his eyes.

“You tell me,” he challenged, nodding towards the file in her hand. “It's all right there, right? Probably says stuff like 'emotionally unstable' or 'manic'. Or is it bigger, more scientific, doctorly words that I wouldn't understand?”

“That's a very interesting response,” Sam observed aloud, shutting his file and tossing it aside. “The medical record I have on file is just more or less a reference point. Between you and me, I don't like to take other doctor's word for my patients. I'd rather hear it from you so we can figure it out ourselves,” she added, leaning forward and holding her chin in her hand. If he wanted to do this informally, she could do that. She always tried to match her patient in their therapeutic style. Some liked the whole laying on the couch and confessing their woes schtick, some wanted a more game-based approach. She wasn't sure what his was. She'd crack it soon enough, though.

Now that she'd finally gotten herself calmed down enough to begin the session without comparing Elliot to Josh (at least, push it aside enough to do her job; she was certain this was going to keep her up tonight), she was feeling a little more relaxed and in her element.

“Anxiety,” was his one word response. Sam tried not to let her face react to his responses, she didn’t want to deter him from talking, especially since so far he’s said very little.

“That’s...  _ vague. _ Can you tell me what kind?”

“Um...all kinds? Phobias. Paranoia. Social.”

“Okay, and are you taking any medications for your anxiety?”

“I was on Effexor but it gave me the brain zaps.”

“And when did you quit taking it?” He rolled his shoulders, his head lolling a bit.

“Like a month ago,” he guessed. “I haven't been on any meds for the last month.”

“Elliot, I am sure I don't have to tell you how dangerous it is to stop taking your meds without a doctor's supervision,” she gently scolded, and suddenly felt overcome with an overwhelming sense of deja vu. She was  _ certain _ she'd said this exact thing to Josh years ago, after Hannah narc’d on him for hiding his pills in his nightstand drawer. He’d been acting a little funny, a little on edge, and Sam was prone to usually being able to note even the slightest changes in Josh’s demeanor. The memory was still so vivid.

“I know why you’re acting all weird,” Sam, 16-years-old, had told Josh. She crossed her arms  over her chest and jutted out her hip in a dominant stance. She had no qualms with confronting when it came to his mental health. Over the years, she’d gotten bits and pieces, tiny slivers of truths and half-lies from the Washingtons. Josh would go missing from time to time, and when Sam would ask Beth where he went (camp counselor for four weeks? Yeah right…Josh would never do that), her answer would be different from Hannah’s (visiting their cousins in Arizona. Josh in the desert?). Sam was onto them, but she never truly knew. 

“Oh yeah, Sammy?” a young Josh had smirked at her, kneeling down to tie his shoelaces. They were out in the Washington’s front driveway, mid-game of “Horse” when she’d garnered the courage to confront him. “And why do you think I’m acting all weird?” he pressed, amusement shining behind his eyes. He seemed to always get a kick out of Sam when she got brave. Sam walked over and snatched the basketball from him beside him, tossing it up from around a 2-pointer line, and watching it bounce off the rim. Josh jogged over to retrieve the ball, Sam’s eyes following his back.

“You’re not taking your pills,” she blurted out, simply. Josh didn’t answer but she watched his face shift a bit into a more serious look, his eyes darkening and his jaw clenching a bit. He wordlessly tossed the ball towards the hoop, falling through the net. Sam shrugged. “I mean, I know it’s not any of my business, but you should really talk to someone before just up and quitting. I know it’s not good for you…” Sam said, her words losing confidence as she neared him and took his spot, the ball in her hands. “I just… I worry about you, you know?” she added, throwing the ball and making the same shot Josh just had. 

“They make me too tired,” he mumbled to an almost inaudible level. Luckily, after years of practice, Sam had mastered the art of speaking ‘Josh’ so she’d heard it just fine. He stared down at the asphalt, almost ashamedly. Sam knew that regardless of his cooler, older-brother image he’d usually kept up in the group, it was all mostly a facade. And in a lot of ways, this was her favorite Josh. The  _ uncool _ Josh. The one that let himself be vulnerable around someone, since he always seemed to feel the need to impress everyone. “I don’t like the way they make me feel - like I’m not  _ me _ . Or… maybe I feel  _ too _ much like me, and I don’t like that person,” he admitted, his eyes slowly finding hers. Sam smiled despite his morose face staring back at her. She brought her foot forward, the toe of her shoe tapping his. 

“Well, I like you,” she said quietly. “With or without the meds. But… if your doctor thinks you need them, you should really listen and at least stay on them ‘til you can talk to him and get them changed,” she advised. 

And now, with Elliot sitting across from her and essentially telling her the exact same thing, her heart thumped rapidly in her chest. She didn’t dare let the constant sound of her heartbeat in her ears distract her from the task at hand, as she reached over into her bag again and pulled out a prescription pad. 

“Since your body has clearly already detoxed safely, I will allow you to stay off a daily anti-anxiety medication while we evaluate you more. In the meantime, I’m going to write you a prescription for Xanex. It’s a  _ very  _ low dose, only to be taken if you feel a panic attack coming on,” she instructed, the sound of the prescription paper loudly ripping off the pad. She extended her arm out towards him, the paper in her hand.

“Fair enough,” he replied casually as he reached out and snatched it from her. Their skin barely grazed and Sam couldn’t help but notice the stinging surge of electricity that ignited on her skin against his touch. He lowered his eyebrows, leaning back into the couch and holding the paper in both of his hands, looking contemplative. She wondered if he’d just felt it, too. After a moment of silence, his eyes found hers. “I think this is enough for today,” he murmured, and Sam found herself surprised. This was the first time a patient had ever ended a session on her… and he’d only been in her office for around twenty minutes. Even still, she found herself wishing that he wasn’t trying to go.

“A-are you sure?” she asked. He stared down at the script before giving a brief nod. 

“I’m just really tired. I haven’t been sleeping.” Sam straightened up in her chair, clearing her throat.

“Well, insomnia is a common symptom in anxiety - usually  a person is kept up with thoughts all night long or they’re so overcome with anxiety throughout the day that they are exhausted and all they want to  _ do _ is sleep. That’s why there are different types of anxiety medications that do different things, depending on the circumstances,” Sam informed him, and he seemed to be listening, although now his focus was out her huge window overlooking the smoggy but sunny city below. “It’s also a side effect of quitting your medication too abruptly. So I will go ahead and also prescribe you a low-dose of Ambien,” she paused from writing down his prescription, her finger pointing out towards him to let him know she was serious before she said, “ _ don’t  _ take them together. Use it for the particularly hard nights. They might make you drowsy in the morning. Otherwise, over the counter Melatonin or chamomile tea are also good sleep aids.” Even though it was her job to explain the medications and advise her patients, Sam knew deep inside she was merely stalling. A part of her was worried about his sudden urge to leave - would he come back? What if he didn’t? And why was that thought bothering her so badly? 

* * *

As Sam drove home that afternoon, she couldn’t stop thinking about her session with Elliot - all the things she’d wished she’d been able to talk with him about, all the things she’d wished she’d said. The only comfort she’d received was from Bryana, who informed Sam after Elliot left that he’d scheduled his next session with her for tomorrow morning, which meant she hadn’t scared him away.

She also kept wondering what he meant when he said she was his last therapist - in retrospect, she wished she’d asked him more about that, since it seemed so cryptic. She didn’t know him, was it some kind of hint that he would not ever seek counselling again if she failed? Or maybe it even meant something so much more… permanent.  _ Was he suicidal? _

But, the real thing that she couldn’t shake, was the most obvious thing of all. How could someone look and sound so much like Josh? She hadn’t even begun to ask him about where he’d come from or where he’d been. Essentially in that one session, she’d learned almost nothing about him and it was driving her crazy already. 

Sam’s attention was snapped back to the road and away from her thoughts as she heard a loud, menacing honk. She quickly slammed on her breaks, realizing that she’d literally just rolled right through a red light and nearly got herself t-boned in the middle of the intersection. She remembered to breathe, wanting to disappear behind her sunglasses and out of the view of the glaring, angry truck driver who’d almost hit her. She took her shaking hands back to the wheel and quickly pulled over before she could possibly cause any more almost-accidents.

Once she’d shut off her ignition, Sam felt a huge swell of emotion wash over her and the tears came almost instantly. She ripped her sunglasses off and brought her trembling hands to her face. She sobbed into them, her chest heaving as she simultaneously wept and gasped for breath. She’d never felt herself lose her composure so uninhibitedly since back when Josh died…

_ He died _ , her mind reminded her. “ _ He’s dead, he’s dead, he’s dead, he’s dead! _ ” It just kept tormenting her, repeating over and over again like a mantra. She felt so stupid, having to remind herself, but this session with Elliot had broken something inside of her, something she’d only mended back together with tape and glue, to be treated delicately. And now that the bandage was ripped off, Sam realized that although those years of therapy had helped her cope, she was no more healed from the biggest loss in her life than she was the day of his funeral. 

How could she have stuffed this down for so long? How had she been tricking herself into believing that she had recovered? Has she just been going through the motions for the last 9 years without ever really dealing with any of it?

_ He’s dead, he’s dead, he’s dead, he’s dead. _

And yet, something about Elliot made her wonder if by some strange glitch in the universe, maybe he wasn’t. And the fact that she was even thinking that scared her more than anything.

* * *

 

 

_ To Be Continued... _

 


	4. Second Chance for a First Impression

 

Sam practically jumped out of bed at five the next morning. She made sure her alarm was set for 5:45 about ten times, but she was so paranoid that she hardly slept at all. She didn’t want to be late for her second session with Elliot Roth— _ her Josh Washington doppelganger _ . All night she just saw his eyes staring at her; they were impossible to block out and it led to a restless night. 

At one point, Liam draped his arm around her and told her he could wear her out if she wasn’t tired. But she didn’t trust herself to have sex with him. Only Josh was on the brain so who knows where her mind may have taken her. 

“It’s just…cramps,” she told him. It was enough to make him roll back over and go to sleep. 

Sam grabbed her iPod for her morning run. Once again, the sky was dark but this time she had music to block out all the noise. She flipped through the artists and played Cascada. Fast and upbeat was just what she needed to start her day that never really ended.

The song started and her legs moved. 

_ “I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house…” _

She remembered Cascada playing during the night of the twins’ disappearance. Whoever was in charge of the music decided to blast  _ “Because the Night” _ so loud that she even heard it outside. Which was nice, because it gave her and Josh some background noise for their little snow  _ adventure. _

_ “Come on now, try to understand—the way I feel when I’m in your hands…” _

“Bet I can make a better snow angel than you,” she teased him before falling straight back into the fluffy snow and waving her arms and legs.

“How is that a fair contest?” He asked, staring down at her smiling face, “Mine would be more of a snow  _ demon,  _ don’t ya think?”

“Oh, come  _ on,  _ Josh! Make snow  _ art  _ with me! Is that better?” She laughed when he rolled his eyes but grinned at her. He turned around, spread his arms, then fell straight back. He landed arms-length away from her but stayed completely still. 

Sam looked over at him, pausing her movement, “That doesn’t count, you gotta move!” She grabbed his hand in hers, making him move his arm up and down to match hers.

_ “Love is an angel disguised as lust—here in our beds ‘til the morning comes…” _

“Now we’re like snow  _ fallen  _ angels who fell from heaven together,” she sounded a bit too happy for such a grim statement.

“ _ Very  _ poetic, Sammy,” he commented before rolling onto his side so he was facing her, their gloved hands still holding on, “Didn’t mean to make you fall with me.”

His tone was one-hundred-percent joking but his words made her stomach flip-flop and tumble and she wished she could meet his intense stare, but she was afraid she’d give herself away if she stared too long. So instead she just closed her eyes and relaxed into the snow. She thought—maybe if she wasn’t looking—Josh would try to surprise her with a kiss…

And maybe he was considering it. But before anything could happen, Mike was yelling from the cabin door, “Hey, you two! We’re about to take shots, wanna join?”

Sam popped her eyes open to see the desire to join in on shot taking flash across Josh’s face. She frowned a bit, disappointed that he was choosing alcohol over her. Then again, she reasoned, maybe a few shots were just what they needed. A little liquid courage never hurt anyone. 

_ A little  _ turned out to be a huge understatement. While the rest of her friends stopped at two shots, Josh and Chris got into a stupid  _ bro- _ contest or some shit and they wanted to see which one of them could outlast the other. 

Sam remembered seeing Hannah lean close to Josh with a concerned look at her face. She whispered something in his ear but he waved her off, “I just wanna have a good time with friends tonight, Hann. I’ll be fine.”

Hannah looked like she wanted to say something more, but then Mike called her name and she left Josh’s side. Sam watched as Josh and Chris took shot after shot. 

“Maybe you guys should stop for the night…” Sam suggested, scared she would have to call an ambulance due to alcohol poisoning. 

“No, no, no…” Josh shook his head, blindly reaching for her hand and finding it on the third try. He pulled her close to him and she could smell all the alcohol in his breath and see it in his eyes, “ _ Never  _ stop, Sam…never stop.”

“Never stop what?” She asked, even though she should have known it was useless trying to talk to a wasted person.

But he smiled at her and she wanted to believe it was genuine, “Never stop being beautiful…” she blushed when he pushed her hair behind her ear. His fingers were burning up, “You’re the most beautiful girl in the whole wide world.” He was slurring his words and it made her inwardly cringe, but she still longed to hear more.

“Thought that— _ forever _ !” Chris chimed in, but his speech was more impaired than Josh’s, and he promptly dropped his head to his arm and passed out. Sam looked worriedly at him before turning back to Josh. 

“You’re drunk, Josh…maybe I should get you to bed…”

His dazed eyes brightened and he raised his eyebrows, “You’d like that, wouldn’t you, Sammy? To get me to bed again?” Sam’s face flushed even more because she didn’t like the way he brought it up like this. “Want to know a secret?” He mumbled out, his fingers slipping down to her neck.

_ “Walk away, Sam!”  _ She yelled to herself but her feet stayed planted. 

“I would do… _ so  _ many things to you in bed...I gained a bit of experience, ya know,” he confessed and her body suddenly went ice cold. It was like all of her worst fears being shoved in her face at once, and she didn’t know whether to run away and cry or punch him in the face. 

Then he was leaning in toward her, but somewhere upstairs, she heard Beth call Hannah’s name worriedly. It caught Sam’s attention and she turned away from Josh, saying quickly and devoid of all emotion: “I need to go check on your sisters.” 

_ “Even though going on with you gone still upsets me. There are days every now and again I pretend I’m okay—.” _

Sam brought herself back to the present. She realized she somehow had her iPod on repeat and the current song had played for the last seven minutes. She sometimes wondered what that night would have been like if Josh didn’t get himself drunk and all the others didn’t decide to pull that stupid prank on poor Hannah. They probably would be married and have a couple kids of their own by now…

She felt bad for wishing it had turned out like that. She was engaged to Liam now. If things had gone any differently, she never would have met him. And that had to count for something…right?

_ “What hurts the most…was being so close…and having so much to s—.” _

Tugging on the cords, her earplugs popped out of her ears. She was nearing the trail again and had to make a decision if she was going to take the unknown trail or stay on the familiar road. She eyed the dark path wearily, but continued to jog past it.  _ “Maybe tomorrow…?” _

She slowed to a walk when she rounded the last corner and spotted her house. Placing her hands behind her head, she looked up into the cloudy night sky. She thought about seeing J— _ Elliot  _ in a few hours and her heart fluttered. She knew it was wrong to think of her patient and feel this giddy. Her goal was to help him get past his troubles, yet even though she only had one session with him, she wanted their sessions to linger on forever. But he told her that she would be the last therapist he’d ever see. She couldn’t let him down…

Maybe Josh had a twin brother she didn’t know about. If his parents were able to have one set of twins, who’s to say they didn’t have two sets? Yet she was fairly certain she would have known about Elliot at some point…

She walked into her dark house; she started her morning jog so early that Liam wasn’t even up yet. That was fine, because now she could focus on getting ready and looking her best. Her first session with Elliot was a mess; her looks, her presence, her thoughts—all screwed up. She was determined to be more presentable today.

 

* * *

 

**_November 4th - Session 2 - Elliot Roth_ **

Sam was at work one hour early. She even made it in before Bryana who usually arrived at 7:30. That was fine—it gave her time to herself to tidy up her office. She walked in and looked at the spot where she spilled coffee, but it was like it never happened. Whatever carpet cleaning company Bryana called to come in really did a great job. Still—Sam knew it happened and she imagined seeing that dark stain that stood out on her white carpet. It was a reminder…it could physically be erased, but she’d never forget.

She opened her file cabinet and took out Elliot Roth’s file. She grabbed her briefcase and slipped out her write-up on him, glancing over the Individual Psychotherapy Session form and the SOAP notes: Subjective, Objective, Assessment, Plan. It was a lot of short one sentences—usually she could write large paragraphs of her new patients, but Elliot was…he was an enigma. She felt like she wanted to write a novel on him...but maybe not really  _ him.  _ She hardly knew Elliot at all.

“Client appeared alert and cooperative.”

“Client was very articulate, possibly overcompensating.”

“Maintained eye contact 80% of the time (challenging 70%, interest 10%).”

“Continue current treatment activities.”

 

Sam placed her elbow on her desk, her hand cradling her forehead as she continued to skim her notes. She was considering calling some of his past therapists to see if they got  _ anywhere  _ with him, or they were all literally dead ends like Elliot said they were.

“Good morning, Dr. Jensen.” Sam looked up to see Bryana peeking into her office. “I saw your car parked out front and knew you were here…”

Sam smiled, “Yes, thought I’d come in early and be a bit more prepared for my new client this time.”

“Ah, well…Mr. Roth was actually outside when I came in…so…he’s a half an hour early, but I—.”

“You can send him in,” Sam said a little too quickly and eagerly. She stood up from her desk and smoothed out her black blazer and pencil skirt, “No reason to have him wait thirty minutes when I’m ready for him now.”

Bryana nodded, “I’ll send him right it.”

Sam’s heart began thumping so hard she had to place her hand over her chest to remember to calm down. Maybe she should have given herself a pep speech before just telling Bryana to send Josh— _ Elliot (“Damn, I need to stop doing that!”)  _ in.

_ “I am a warrior. Brave, strong, and knowledgeable.”  _ She breathed in and breathed out. In and out. In and—

Elliot slipped in the door, not even glancing at her as he made his way to the couch. He sat down stiffly, his posture completely erect as he stared at some pictures on her wall. He seemed particularly interested in the painting of the ocean. The brush strokes used to create it made it look like the waves were actually moving when it was looked at from different angles.

Sam studied him for a moment, trying to calm the rush. She silently closed her office door before pressing  _ record  _ on her tape player, saying her quick, “ _ Patient Elliot Roth, Age 29, Session 2 on November 4th, 2024” _ , and sitting down in the chair across from Elliot. He was still staring at the painting.

“Have you ever been to the ocean, Elliot?”

He shrugged, “I dunno. Maybe.”

Normally, Sam would have made him elaborate to keep him talking. But the way he kept staring at the painting made her feel like he was getting more therapy from that than her. She took the opportunity to study him. The scarred side of his face was toward her. She could see the jagged, faint lines that jutted from the side of his mouth. It was almost like he tried to give himself a permanent smile but then thought better of it. His left eye seemed to shine unnaturally. When the light caught it just right, it appeared to glow. She thought it might be a fake eye, but it still was too similar to his right eye to be sure.

“You?” She blinked when she heard him speak, her breath hitching when he slowly turned his gaze to her.

“Hmm? Me?”

“Have you ever been to the ocean?” He asked in a monotonous tone as though he couldn’t care one way or the other.

Sam smiled anyway, “Yes, many times. I used to go with my best friends every year.”

She thought back to one of the last times the Washington’s invited her to go on vacation with them. They stayed at a beautiful beach resort for three days. Each sibling was allowed to bring one guest. Hannah, of course brought Sam, Josh brought Chris, and Beth brought Ashley (because Emily was busy with a weekend getaway with Mike). It was perfect—just the six of them. She remembered that Josh brought his camcorder and filmed a lot of the trip…probably hoping he could catch a shark attack on camera or something.

He didn’t respond, so she continued, “You have any friends, Elliot?”

“I dunno. Maybe.” He answered with the same words again. She frowned at his response. “Sorry, I’m supposed to be more cooperative, right? I don’t want any red marks on my report card.”

“You answer as best you can,” she told him, “If you don’t know if you have any friends, then how about you tell me about the people you talk to fairly regularly?”

“I try not to talk to people. No one really sees…eye to eye with me,” he winked his right eye so only the abnormal eye was staring at her.

Sam tried not to be perturbed by it, but his words and actions made it feel like she was talking to Hannibal Lector, “Let’s talk about what happened to your eye.”

“As far as I know, it’s always been like this. I guess it wasn’t enough to be born messed up on the  _ inside.” _

“I like your eyes,” Sam commented with a straight face, “They make you— _ unique.” _

“And that’s what  _ eeeveryone  _ longs to be, right?” He sighed and glanced around her office again, his eyes landing on her framed diploma, “Samantha Jensen…you look exactly the way I pictured you.”

She hurriedly licked her lips when her mouth ran dry. His voice got deeper somehow when he said it, the huskiness in his voice almost driving her crazy, “Oh? And how do I look to you, Elliot?”

His gaze roamed over to her. The electricity between their eyes could have been enough to blow the power out. He stayed silent and she tried her best to be patient and see if he would answer her question. A whole minute came and went, but he never responded.

She decided to move on, “You were here really early this morning. Are you normally an early riser?”

He dropped his hands to his sides; Sam took note on his thumbs that nervously rubbed back and forth across all of his fingers, “I never went to sleep last night.”

Sam nodded slowly, noting that he must not have taken the sleeping pills she prescribed, “Restless nights can happen to everyone. I didn’t get much sleep last night either.”

Elliot squinted his eyes slightly, the corners of his lips only pulling up a millimeter, “Your fiancé keep you up?”

She cocked her head to the side and mimicked his squint, “You noticed my engagement ring.”

“How can I not, the thing’s a  _ fucking  _ boulder,” he leaned forward and, just like before, Sam was powerless to resist leaning in as well. It was like he had magnetic powers and was able to draw her in at his will, “Can I ask you something,  _ Doctor?” _

She folded in her lips and crossed her legs. She clasped her fingers together and placed her hands in her lap to avoid fidgeting, “How about we play a game?”

“ _ Ooo… _ I  _ love”  _ (Sam payed close attention to the way his tongue rolled slowly in his mouth when he enunciated the word) “games…”

“Perfect. The rules of the game are simple—you ask me a question, then I ask you one. But we can only answer  _ yes  _ or  _ no.” _

He burst into laughter so loud that it made her jump, but it was obviously fake as it was short-lived. His face scrunched up and he looked angered; he stood up from the couch and paced the length of her office, “That’s a poor fucking game, Doctor. It’s people like  _ you  _ who think everything is black and white, and maybe in your pretty little head it is, but  _ not MINE!  _ Y-you think the world revolves a-around…around right and wrong decisions but it isn’t like that!”

Sam uncrossed her legs but remained seated as she watched him let off steam. She felt no physical threat from him despite his raised voice and hoped Bryana wasn’t hearing all of it and getting worried.

“The world i-it’s grey, and this eye, my fucked up eye,” he pointed to it as if she never noticed before, “all it sees is…like, this grey filmy shit, like someone put thick  _ plastic  _ over it and no matter how hard I scratch and scratch, it doesn’t come off!”

Her eyebrows furrowed at his words. Her lips rounded and she caught herself about to call him  _ Josh  _ again. He interrupted her before she could say anything.

“I mean,  _ what’s next,  _ are you going to show me those stupid ink blot tests? Th-then write up an evaluation about why I think some random black puke stain looks like an orgy or-or a butterfly that’s seen better days or  _ a fucking monster with sharp teeth!” _

Sam’s eyes grew large for a moment. His last words felt so oddly specific to her, yet the more rational part of her brain was reminding her that it was actually a generic description. Almost all monsters are described as having sharp teeth, right? Isn’t that what makes a monster  _ a monster? _

“I apologize, Elliot,” she said softly, watching him closely as he continued to pace, “I know you’ve been seeing a lot of therapists and it was wrong of me to treat you like this was your first day.”

He only briefly glanced at her, his hands running back through his hair, gripping onto the ends and pulling, “I…just…it’s like fucking Groundhog Day…”

“You know what…” she stood up slowly and neared him, the pulling of his hair looking so painful she almost felt it herself. She stepped in front of him and gently grabbed his wrists, tugging only with enough pressure to show him that she wanted him to stop, but ultimately it was up to him, “how about  _ you  _ decide what we’re going to do in our sessions?”

His breathing began to slow and he looked at her hands on him as if it was the first human contact he’d ever had. Then his eyes met hers, and  _ fuck, fuck it all,  _ she felt tears sting her nose and eyes. He looked even more like Josh up close…aside from Elliot’s scars, everything was a perfect match.

It brought her back to another time right after his sister’s disappearance. She was still going over his house as much as she could, but every time she arrived, it always felt like something wasn’t quite right. His parents were either never there or, if they were, they never spoke to her. And she didn’t think they spoke to Josh. She would find him in his room, listening to music and staring off into space.

Finally, one day he said to her, “I need to get out of here…”

So, without thinking about it, he brought him to her mom’s house where she was staying at the time. Margaret always welcomed all of Sam’s friends and made sure to treat each of them like they were her own, so she had no problem with Josh staying with them.

“I’m so sorry about what happened, honey, they were like daughters to me…” Margaret told Josh when he first arrived, wrapping him up in her arms and embracing him tightly. Sam smiled when Josh allowed himself to sink into it. Her little five foot tall mother looked to be cradling this five-foot-nine man and yet it seemed so natural.

Margaret cooked them a huge meal that first time, and it might as well have been Thanksgiving. After dinner, she told Sam and Josh to go relax, insisting they not have to help clean up. The two teenagers went outside on the porch swing, and Sam never even hesitated to rest her head on his shoulder.

“Thanks for inviting me over,” he said lowly, his arm wrapping around her shoulders. She wondered if he was trying to whisper but didn’t know how…

“You…needed to get out of your house for a while. Sorry I couldn’t take you anywhere fancy,” she laughed shortly.

Josh put his mouth to the top of her head and she felt his mouth tense—he may have just kissed her, “There’s nowhere else I’d rather be, Sam...”

She raised her head and looked at him, her eyes studying his features up close. He still looked so… _ so  _ tired. She thought about kissing him, but then he pressed the sides of their foreheads together and closed his eyes. She looked out into her yard where that one big tree still stood, and facing her, was that infamous J+S carving.

“Would you like to sleep on the guest bed or my bed?” she asked him absently, feeling awful for disturbing their moment but she didn’t want him falling asleep outside.

She heard the smile in his voice, “Don’t tempt me, Sammy…”

Blushing, she tugged on his hand and led him down the hall to her bedroom. His overnight bag was at the foot of her bed, and she tried not to stare as he got out his toothbrush, toothpaste, and a small bottle of pills before disappearing into the bathroom across the hall.

She heard him shake a few pills out of the bottle before the faucet turned on.

She bit her lip, wondering if they were just pills to help him sleep. If so, they didn’t seem to work very well as he was always tired and hardly even slept.

When he was back in her bedroom, he sat down at the end of her bed and looked even more dazed than before. She wished she was brave enough to ask him what was really going on, but thought she would sound like she was nagging—if he wanted her to know, he would tell her.

“Thanks for inviting me over,” he said again as if he never said it twenty minutes ago.

“You’re welcome anytime, Josh. My mom loves you.”

A tiny tug of his lips was all she was awarded with. Then his eyes became glassy and his stare was almost vacant. Worriedly, she dropped to her knee in front of him and grabbed both sides of his face, “Josh? Josh, are you okay?”

She was glad when he managed to focus on her for a moment, “Yeah, just…tired.” It was always his excuse recently.

Her eyes searched for any other sign, and when she couldn’t find anyway, she leaned in slowly, cautiously, until her lips just barely brushed his. His lips were dry, but they tensed just enough for her to tell that he was trying to kiss her back (or at least make it a  _ real  _ kiss), but no matter how hard his body tried, his mind wasn’t there.

“I’ll let you get some sleep,” she said sadly before laying him back on her bed.

Back to the present, Sam swallowed and nodded when Elliot was finally calm. She released his wrists and stepped out of her personal bubble, “You told me I’m the last therapist you’re going to see. So let’s make this work. I’m not going to pretend to know you, so help  _ me  _ get to know you so I  _ can  _ help you.” 

Elliot stared at her like she was one of the Seven Wonders of the World. Sam flitted her eyes away from him, covering it by making it seem like she was just going to her chair again to sit down.

“Does that work for you?” She asked and felt satisfied with herself when he nodded and sat down on the couch again. “Perfect. So…what do you want to do?”

He glanced over at the clock on the wall, “I mean…how much time do I have left?”

“My next appointment isn’t until ten-thirty,” she stated simply.

“Yeah, but…how much time do  _ I  _ have?”

She shrugged, “That’s entirely up to you, Elliot.”

“Wow…um, okay,” it was obvious that he was completely caught off guard, but seeing the interest in his eyes was a breakthrough in and of itself. “So…I’m living in this shitty apartment right now and there’s always all this shady stuff going on, but it’s like no one even cares and I think that’s why I chose it. But here’s the thing…” he leaned forward and Sam leaned forward as well, “I have like… _ millions  _ of dollars in my bank account but I have no idea how long it’s been there. I can’t remember a time when it  _ wasn’t  _ there.”

Sam’s eyes widened unexpectedly, “Is that why you don’t spend it on a fancy place? You think it might be someone else’s?”

“I…yeah, maybe. I don’t know! It’s not like I ever tried to hide it…and no one’s come after me. I sometimes think…what if I’m  _ not  _ Elliot Roth, y-you know? But like…I stole his identity and don’t remember? I know that sounds  _ crazy  _ but I guess that’s why I’m here. It’s like I don’t have real memories. They don’t feel real anyway.”

“Can you elaborate? Why don’t they feel real?”

“I guess ‘cause…they’re about people I never met before. Places and houses I never stepped in before. So I think—at first, that maybe I just have really vivid dreams. So many doctors gave me so many kinds of pills over the years…well, at least in the past nine years. I can’t remember a time before my stay at the mental asylum. Maybe they gave me too many shock therapies?”

Sam sat back in her chair, the  _ nine years  _ revelation hitting pretty close to home since Josh went missing ( _ he died, you idiot)  _ almost ten years ago. “They didn’t tell you anything about yourself before you got there? Did they give you any personal belongings you had before your stay there?”

He shook his head, “Nope, just the clothes I came in wearing…I assume they were mine anyway. But they knew how much money was in my bank account, so they gave me an a card that had a therapist's name and number on it and told me to call him, and as long as I continued seeing one, I could live a  _ normal  _ life outside of the asylum.”

Sam chewed on her bottom lip, a habit she was usually unaware of when she was thinking, “That all sounds very…odd. And no one came to pick you up? A relative?”

Elliot shook his head again and leaned back against the couch heavily, “My emergency contact list was completely blank.”

“That’s…awful…” Sam wanted to look up exactly which asylum this was because she had a few bones to pick with the doctors or nurses who treated him, “If I would have known you back then, I would have been waiting right outside the gate for you.”

He didn’t say anything to this and she wondered if she crossed a line that shouldn’t have been crossed. But she never practiced this kind of therapy before, where her patient was in complete control. There were times when she made her patients  _ feel  _ like they were in control, but she was holding the reins the whole time.

“I remind you of someone you used to know, don’t I?” he suddenly asked and it made her heart plummet to her stomach.

But she couldn’t lie to him, “Yes…his name was—.”

“Josh,” he said for her and hearing that name come out of his mouth was like a flashback to the very first time she met Josh and he introduced himself to her. “I know that because you called me that when you first walked in the other day. Also, you slip a lot. I hear the  _ J- _ sound before you correct yourself. Unless you  _ really  _ want my name to be  _ Jelliot,  _ which is fine, I kinda like it. You say my name a lot to get yourself to remember it though. Of course, all therapists use their patient’s names a lot. It makes these sessions feel more  _ intimate,  _ right?”

Sam let out a long breath before forcing herself to smile brightly and nod, “You are  _ very  _ observant. So are you only here because it’s a requirement or because you truly think you need it?”

“Well, it  _ may  _ be a requirement, but I already told you that you’d be my last.”

“So…” she cradled her cheek and her chin in her palm to hide her amusement, “What are you going to do if I don’t live up to your expectations?”

His eyes studied her and his lips parted and she couldn’t help but stare at his mouth when he said, “I don’t think we have to worry about that…”

She tried to tell herself not to read too much into that statement. He was telling her he was beginning to like her sessions. It was a compliment. A relief. He was going to stay…

Clearing her throat, she got up and went to her desk. She pulled open the middle drawer and grabbed a business card from a small stack. She had business cards displayed on top of her desk, too, but these ones were a bit more personalized. She went back over to him, her body jumping just slightly when he stood up and she hadn’t expected him to.

She handed him the card, “I want you to have this. It has my cell phone number on it, in case…you know, you ever need to talk outside of our session.”  _ Why are my hands sweaty? _

Elliot took the card and scanned over the information. It had the less formal “Sam Jenson, PhD” typed across the top, and underneath she had her office phone and cell phone listed.

He showed off a small smirk, “Is this your personal cell or work cell?”

“They’re one in the same,” she said, her shoulders relaxing when he seemed pleased with this answer.

Sam tried not to let it bother her when he folded the small business card in half and stuffed it into the pocket of his hoodie like it was a candy wrapper he didn’t know what to do with. She was about to sit back down but he was suddenly heading toward her door.

“You’re leaving already, Elliot?”

He stopped so quickly it was like a glitch in a video game. She did a double take at the scene, but he only turned his head to the side, not looking directly at her, “Yeah, I should…I should go…”

She narrowed her eyes, concerned with the tone in his voice, “Do you have somewhere else to be?”

“No…”

Forcing a small laugh, she shook her head, “Then you don’t have to—did I do something to upset you?” Sam cringed at her words. She sounded like a girlfriend who was trying way too hard to get her boyfriend to stay with her. This wasn’t her. It wasn’t  _ them. It isn’t him! Just because Elliot looks like Josh doesn’t give you the right to act unprofessionally. _

“Why didn’t you take your pills last night?”

“’Cause I didn’t want to sleep.”

“Why not?”

He looked at her only with his bad eye before turning away again. She wanted to kick herself. The session had been going really well—he was talking on his own, opening up about his past (or what he could remember of it anyway)—then she must have disrupted his flow. Giving him her personal business card threw him off and he was reverting back into himself again.

“Maybe I’ll take them tonight,” his monotone was back.

“Good…I’m glad. But—you’re welcome to stay longer if you want to talk more, but if not—.”

Before she could even finish her sentence, he was out the door. She stood there, shocked that she didn’t even get a goodbye despite the small breakthrough they made. She looked at the clock; only about a quarter to nine. Sam didn’t even realize that over an hour had went by since they started. Time seemed to both fly yet stand still with him.

But it was all well. As if her recorder knew the session had ended, the record button popped itself up to let her know she reached the end of that tape.

 

* * *

_ To Be Continued... _


	5. Josh Tendencies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: this chapter gets slightly sexy at one point.

 

* * *

Sam hated how she couldn’t cancel the rest of her appointments for that day, but twice in one week wouldn’t be very professional. She had people who needed her and to refuse to see them because of her own messed up thoughts was definitely not part of her job description.

However, she almost felt worse sitting with her patients but not even hearing a word they said. But her mind had too many other things to think about. Like…

_How it is that Elliot looks identical to Josh? And they’re both the same age?_

_Elliot can’t remember anything past ten years ago. Josh disappeared (he DIED, Sam!) about ten years ago._

_Is it really…I mean, could it possible…?_

_He even kinda sounded like Josh when he began his story. Josh used to be lively like that when he told stories…_

_And something Elliot said…it felt like something I heard before…but what was it?_

She was never more relieved than when four o’clock rolled around and her last patient left her office. She somehow turned a forty-five minute drive home into a thirty minute one.

When she walked into the house, she was greeted by Liam. He came out from their bedroom, the tie loose around his neck and the top buttons of her shirt undone. She only eyed him from her peripheral view as she dumped all of her files on the kitchen table, “Rough day?”

“Uh, yeah you could say that,” he chuckled falsely and ripped off his tie, rolling it up in his hands.

Sam narrowed her eyes, knowing that she should ask him why he was acting so weird or why his day was so rough, but she couldn’t even begin to pretend to care today, “I’m sorry to hear that, but I—.”

“You want to go out tonight?” Liam asked suddenly as if regaining his composure, “Let me wine and dine you. Just the two of us. It’s been awhile, right?”

“Not…really…” she looked at her briefcase that carried her recorder, “But--raincheck? I have… _so_ many notes to write up and I really want to get it done before the weekend.”

He nodded, “Yeah, no problem, Babe. I’m just gonna—hop in the shower then.”

She was relieved when he excused himself. She gathered up all the things she needed and went into the “spare bedroom” which she used as her “work lounge” more than anything. It gave her the privacy and quietness that she needed that left Liam free to do whatever he wanted while she concentrated.

She opened Elliot’s file, then laid out all her notes surrounding it. She opened her laptop, ready to type in anything she needed at a second’s notice. Placing the recorder on the desk with ease, she then took a moment to breathe. In. And out.

_“Let’s do this, Sam.”_

She clicked play. Static for a brief moment, then her voice: _“Patient Jos—.”_ Sam winced. She still couldn’t believe she did that—and _right after_ he corrected her. _“Excuse me. Patient Elliot Roth. Age 29, Session 1 on November 3_ _rd_ _, 2024. Hello, Elliot... can you tell me why you cancelled yesterday?”_

Five seconds of silence. Then: _“Nerves? I guess?”_

Sam jumped and clicked it off. Her breathing stopped and when she finally caught herself, the air exiting her lungs were like ice and fire. _That…was Josh. His voice. That was him!!_

_No…we already went over this. It’s Elliot. Elliot._

She licked her lips and shifted in her seat. This was going to be harder than she thought. Having Elliot sitting in front of her, despite his striking resemblance to Josh, was slightly easier because he was there to remind her that he was, in fact, Elliot. But just hearing his voice…it was like remembering all the times they talked on the phone. Deep and calming.

Sam recalled the time her cat, Dinah, died. Sam was sixteen, but she had Dinah since she was five. The poor pure white cat had been sunbathing on the side of the road when some asshole went out of his way to serve and run her over. Margaret cradled her daughter in her arms for hours, but even after that, Sam wanted to talk to Hannah.

The Washington’s had taken a trip to their uncle’s house so Sam couldn’t ask Hannah to come over. So she called her cell phone, her red eyes already watering again at the thought of having to tell Hannah what happened.

“Hey, Sammy.” It was Josh that answered Hannah’s phone.

“Hey,” Sam tried to say in a normal voice. She took in a wavering breath, “I-is Hann there?”

“Her and Beth are down swimming at the lake right now. Want me to tell her to call you back?”

Sam squeezed her eyes shut tightly, tears rolling down her swollen cheeks. She opened her mouth to respond but only a sob escaped.

“Sam?” Josh’s worried tone entered her ear, “Sam, is everything okay? Talk to me.”

She hiccupped a few times, her chest heaving as she tried to calm herself, “N-no, D-Din-ah d-died.” Her throat closed at every syllable.

“Oh…Sam, I’m so sorry—what happened?”

Sam somehow managed to say what happened through her sobs and she was just so happy that Josh wasn’t the type of guy to make fun of her for being this upset over a dead animal. But Josh loved animals as well and knew how much Sam loved that cat. His sisters loved Dinah, too.

Josh ended up talking to her for close to an hour after that, telling her all the funny Dinah stories he remembered: “Dinah was a funny cat, huh? I mean, what cat is terrified of heights? Remember that time she climbed that tree and got too scared to climb down so she ended up pooping out of the tree?”

Despite her sadness, Sam laughed through her tears. Josh somehow remembered every hilarious thing that ever happened with Dinah, whether he was there or Sam told him about it. Even hearing him laugh into the phone helped. He was—perfect. All the way up to the moment Hannah came back and he handed the cell to his sister.

 _Back to the present._ She had to keep listening. Elliot was her patient and she owed it to him to give him a proper evaluation. She pressed play again (but not before pouring herself a glass of wine).

______________________________________________________________________________

 

Sam got to session two and her second glass of wine. She had two pages of notes typed up. She was on a roll.

“ _Patient Elliot Roth, Age 29, Session 2 on November 4th, 2024.”_

She took a small sip of wine as she listened to their short conversation about oceans and best friends. She typed up some notes, falling under the spell of Elliot’s soothing, if not sometimes monotone, voice.

_“I like your eyes. They make you—unique.”_

Sam smiled at her words. God, she missed _his_ eyes…

 _“And that’s what eeeveryone longs to be, right?”_ A long pause. _“Samantha Jensen…you look exactly the way I pictured you.”_

She froze. She stopped the recording, cutting herself off before she could speak. She rewound the tape for two seconds then pressed play.

_“—longs to be, right? …Samantha Jensen…you look exactly the way I pictured you.”_

She swallowed hard, pressing rewind again. She pressed the recorder up to her ear.

_“Samantha Jensen…you look exactly the way I pictured you.”_

Rewind.

_“Samantha Jensen…”_

Stop.

_No…no, no, no…it just…I heard this before…_

Rewind.

_“Sam—.”_

Stop.

“Sam?”

She jumped when she heard a voice that wasn’t Josh’s— _or Elliot’s._

She spun around to see Liam standing in the doorway, a confused look on his face. He tried to cover it up quickly, “I made dinner. One of your favorites—eggplant lasagna.”

“Not now,” she spat a bit too harshly but didn’t think to apologize. She wanted to keep listening to the recording. She was having the strongest sense of déjà vu—like when you can remember exactly where you were in life when you a hear a song again for the first time in years.

Liam never heard her speak to him like that. He walked into the room, resting a hand on her shoulder, “C’mon…we’ll eat while catching up on your show. You haven’t watched it in a few weeks so—.”

She shook his hand off her shoulder, “I said _not now,_ Liam. I’m _busy.”_

His eyes widened at her vulgarity. He watched on inanely as she continued to rewind and play, rewind and play. He wanted to tell her that she looked insane but didn’t think she’d even acknowledge the insult. So instead he just mumbled, “I’ll save you a plate,” and walked away.

Sam already forgot that Liam had interrupted her. She listened to that small sentence from Elliot for another thirty minutes. The sun that had been shining outside her window had set and she was only sitting in the glow of her laptop screen. She shot back glass after glass of red wine.

 _“I swear I’ve heard this be—! Wait!”_ She didn’t know where the idea came from, but she scooted her laptop closer to her and typed in _facebook . com._ She hadn’t been to the social media site for a good six years when it finally started to lose its hype as more involved social media sites took flight. Still, she remembered her old email and password that allowed her to login.

It was weird seeing her profile from 2018. She hardly updated after what happened on Mount Washington, so a lot of her posts were from 2015 and before. She clicked on her uploaded videos linked and scrolled through until she found the one titled _“PROM!!”_

Without even bracing herself, she clicked play and watched the video with wide eyes.

Mike was the one filming this particular video, his voice behind the camera loud and excited, “Look at all these lovely ladies I have hanging on my arms.” Hannah, Beth, Emily, Ashley, and Sam all entered the video, the five girls talking excitedly, “There’s only so much of me to go around, so _you have to share.”_

Emily rolled her eyes and walked toward her boyfriend, “You can hardly handle _me,_ Mr. Class President.”

“Play nice, you guys,” Beth warned them with a laugh, all of them knowing Mike and Emily could go from a loving couple to worst enemies in a moment’s notice.

Mike moved the camera to Chris who was standing awkwardly by the wall, his fingers fidgeting with his wrist cuffs, “You okay there, buddy?” Mike asked, “You look nervous.”

Chris noticed the camera pointed at him and forced a smile as he adjusted his glasses, “Just waiting for Josh. What’s taking him so long?”

“Oh, I think—,” Hannah started to say until Josh’s voice came from off screen.

“Have no fear, the king is here.”

Mike moved the camera to Josh who was wearing Joffrey’s crown from _Game of Thrones_ with his dark tuxedo. “Dude,” Mike started, “You can’t wear the crown _to_ prom. You have to get voted king. And sorry to tell ya, but it’s not gonna be you.”

Josh smirked and waved him off, “We’ll see about that.” His eyes wandered away from the camera to where all the girls were standing. Sam watched his face suddenly go from joking to awestruck. He caught himself fairly quickly, however, as he walked forward, Mike following him.

“Samantha Jensen…you look exactly the way I pictured you.”

Sam, watching, widened her eyes.

Sam on the video, though, simply glowed at his words, her smile wide as she said, “Thanks, Josh...”

She pressed pause despite there only being three seconds left of the video.

_“I knew it sounded familiar...”_

She played Elliot’s recording again. Then the prom video.

Exactly. The. Same.

She placed her elbow on the desk and cradled her forehead in her palm. How was this possible? Could it really be that big of a coincidence? …Was reincarnation _real?_

 _“Shut UP!”_ She yelled at herself, _“Even if it was, how would Elliot be twenty-nine already? Makes no sense—but NONE of this makes sense!”_

“Sam?”

She jumped when Liam called her name again. She spun around in her chair and looked at him though she could hardly focus.

“Umm…there was an emergency at the office. I was dumb enough to answer my boss’s call—I have to go in for a few hours.”

Sam blinked, just then realizing how dark it was in the room. She looked at her laptop, realizing that the prom video was paused on her screen. She quickly shut it and stood up so fast she made herself dizzy, “What time is it?”

“It’s about 8:30,” he told her, his eyes glancing at his Rolex, “Babe, I don’t wanna go, I’m sorry…but I should be back by 11. Will you still be up?”

“I…I dunno,” she answered. She clenched her eyes shut and rubbed them, “I think I might just shower and go to sleep.”

“Okay,” he stepped forward and kissed her forehead, his lips lingering longer than what Sam’s patience could take at that moment. She pulled her head back. “I’ll see you in the morning then.”

Sam nodded and watched him go. She felt like she was in a trance. She absently left the room she just spent all evening in, walking to her bedroom and seeing Cee-Cee sleeping at the foot of her bed. The cat barely looked at her. Like a zombie, she undressed and started the shower, stepping under the spray before it even had a chance to warm up.

She stood motionless under the water. _“I must be crazy thinking I’m crazier for not believing Elliot is Josh…there’s too many similarities now…is…is Elliot even real? Am I only seeing and hearing what I want to hear? But why? Why after all this time would I imagine someone like him? …should I start seeing someone?”_

She closed her eyes and pictured Elliot. Or maybe it was Josh. She wished he was there with her. He was the only one that could help her figure out why she felt like she was losing her mind.

More images of prom flashed through her mind.  She remembered standing by the punchbowl with Hannah, the two of them laughing and having a great time.

“I have _never_ seen Josh look at anyone like that before,” Hannah teased.

Sam tried to hide her blush behind the red plastic cup, “Don’t be so dramatic, Hann.”

Hannah giggled, “I’m serious, Sam! When are you—.” She stopped talking when Mike came up to the two of them, a huge grin lighting up his handsome face.

“Hey, ladies. How’s it going?”

Sam watched as Hannah turned shy, so took over for her, “We’re having a great time! Where’s Em?”

“She went off to gossip with the cheerleader or something,” he dismissed then quickly averted his attention to Hannah, “You wanna dance?”

Hannah almost choked on her drink, and Sam quickly took the cup from her and handed her a napkin. She tried to hold back her laughter as Hannah tried to reclaim herself. She rubbed the dark haired girl’s bare shoulder, forcing her to meet her eyes. She mouthed _“do it”_ to Hannah before finally seeing the pleased and scared look in her eyes. Hannah nodded at Mike and took his hand when he offered it to her. The love struck girl didn’t even glance back at Sam before she disappeared in the crowd.

Sam couldn’t stop grinning. Though she knew Mike was still dating Emily, knowing how happy this dance was going to make Hannah was enough to put Sam on her own high. She was glad she was spending the night at Hannah’s house so they could stay up all night talking about it.

“Got ditched?”

Sam turned around to see Josh who was munching on peanuts and sipping on punch (at least, she hoped it was punch).

“I had to let her spread her wings and fly,” Sam joked, clicking their plastic cups together.

He pretended to sniffle, wrapping his arm around her shoulders and shaking her softly, “Our little girl is growing up so fast.”

“Now, now, dear,” she patted his chest, “At least we still have each other.”

Josh leaned down to her, his lips dangerously close to her ear, “We can always make another.”

She laughed but shoved his shoulder, “You can be too much sometimes, Josh,” before he could say anything more embarrassing to her, she asked, “And what about Chris and Ashley? Did he ask her to dance yet?”

“What do you think?” He responded dryly and with annoyance, “She’s been talking to Beth, Emily and Jessica all night and Chris is being too much of a pussy to go ask her.”

“Have you tried encouraging him?” She questioned, her eyes skimming the crowd to see if she could spot either one.

“Of course! Told him to stop being such an asshole casserole and take her to the bone zone.”

Sam clicked her tongue at his language, “Maybe you should try telling him that there’s like… a _zero percent_ chance that Ashley would turn him down if he asked.”

“ _Ooorrr_ …maybe we can just show him how it’s done?”

“What do you mean?”

Josh took her drink from her and put both of their cups on the table. But he didn’t even ask. He just pulled her to him, his hand resting on the small of her back. Sam hardly even cared that he didn’t take her to the middle of the dance floor. They stayed off to the side, in their own little space, as the song that was currently playing came to its conclusion.

Sam smiled up at her, “And that’s how it’s done, Mr. Romantic?”

“We’re dancing, right?”

_“Everyone’s around…no words are coming out. And I can’t find my breath, can we just say the rest with no sound…”_

In the present, Sam turned off the faucet and wrapped a big white towel around herself. She turned to look at herself in the mirror, but it was clouded from the steam and she could only see a blur of herself.

She went back into the bedroom; Cee-Cee was gone. She suddenly felt very dizzy. Maybe she sat in her dark office for too long. Or maybe the shower she took was too hot. Or maybe her mind just wasn’t well.

She laid down on top of the covers in her towel, the soft, cool sheets automatically relaxing her. She closed her eyes. She swore she just blinked, but she must have fallen into a deep sleep and woke up hours later. She looked at her clock, the deep red numbers reading 1:22.

“Sam.”

She gasped and looked down to the foot of her bed. It was dark, but she could see him standing there— _Josh._ His eyes gave him away. They sucked in all the light from the moon outside, and in his stare, he seemed to be granting it to her. He crawled up the length of the bed, and she was so overwhelmed she couldn’t even question what he was doing there. She opened her arms and welcomed him.

Her towel must have been kicked off of her—she was completely naked, and feeling Josh’s bare skin against her own was like a bliss she never imagined experiencing. And it was like they already knew each other’s dance. He slipped inside of her just as easily as he crawled to her, and Sam’s sob of joy was released into the air.

She stared into his eyes as he moved above her, her fingers getting lost in his hair. She could feel his hips between her knees, the tips of her toes sliding against his calves, her nails digging into his shoulder.

“Please don’t stop Josh….” She murmured in a voice above a whisper, tears stinging her eyes, “Don’t ever stop…I love you. I love you, _I love you, I love you, I love—.”_

A loud crash caused her to snap her eyes open and sit up in bed. She shook her head and placed a hand over her heavily beating her heart, “ _Fuck, it was just a dream? What…what…”_

And it was like she could still feel him between her legs and the ghost of his weight on top of her. She clamped her thighs together, trying to get ahold of herself. She looked at her clock. 1:21. Sam jumped when her bedroom door opened and a silhouette came into focus. She squinted her eyes, but the man standing in the doorway spoke first.

“Ah—sorry, hun. I tripped over the cat when I came in…didn’t mean to wake up.” It was Liam. Liam, _not Josh._

“What…what the hell?” Her voice was groggy. She wanted to ask why he was back so late but honestly couldn’t find the words for it. She was just…Josh was _just—!!_

He started undressing, “I know, I know. I’m sorry that took so long. Big—crisis, and all that.” He climbed into bed, reaching for her, “Mm, are you only in a towel? I never came home to this…kinda like it.” He kissed her shoulder, his lips roaming over her skin.

Her body felt like it was on fire. _No, no this isn’t right!_ A wave of nausea hit her hard and she only just barely made it back to the bathroom before vomiting her empty stomach.

______________________________________________________________________________

 

Sam called Bryana the next morning and told her she was sick and to cancel all her appointments again. She hated doing that two days in the same week, but she really was feeling under the weather that day. It was Friday though, and she only had two appointments scheduled that day. Liam asked her if she wanted him to stay home and take care of her, but she picked up on how he really didn’t want to do that, nor did she want it.

Despite how sick she actually felt, she wanted to continue her _review_ of this mysterious _Elliot Roth_ that waltzed into her life and jumbled up everything she thought she had assembled in her life. She brought all her paperwork and records into the bedroom so she could be comfortable all day.

Sam was never one to get distracted by social media, especially when she knew she had work to do, but logging into _Facebook_ again and searching through all of her old pictures and videos was beyond addicting. She was tagged in almost everything.

Before she knew it, Liam was home asking her if she stayed in the same spot all day.

“I was doing research.”

“…On _your_ old _Facebook_ page? …I didn’t even know you had a _Facebook?”_

Sam had her name as “Sammy J” on her page so even if Liam had gone looking for her (despite her never using it again even before they met), he wouldn’t have found her. Still, she didn’t feel like explaining herself, so she mournfully closed her laptop. All of Josh’s pictures were on there—she didn’t need Liam seeing them.

“You want some of that eggplant lasagna I made last night?” he asked.

She still didn’t feel hungry but forced a smile and a nod.

“Great—oh, and BTW, I have to leave on a business trip tonight. We’re meeting some clients in New York for the weekend. So we can have dinner—maybe have a little _dessert—_ ,” the stressed word indicated that he was _not_ talking about food, “then I’ll have to call a cab to the airport.”

Sam scrunched up her nose, looking at the clock that read 5:42, “Pretty late to leave on a Friday, don’t you think?”

Liam shrugged, “It’s what the company wanted. I’ll go heat dinner up.”

She never really cared too much when Liam had to go away on two day business trips, but this time she wondered if he _asked_ to go. She saw the way he looked at her when he got home. Like she was some—obsessed stalker. She needed this weekend to herself. She needed—time.

* * *

 

Sam's eyes shot open when she heard the buzzing, loud and violent thrashing against her mahogany nightstand. She leered at her alarm clock, the red, abrasive numbers read 2:37 am. Phone calls at this time were never good news, and she felt her stomach drop as the phone kept buzzing and buzzing, the bright screen lighting up half the room. She snapped her hand out and grabbed it to silence it; for a moment she'd forgotten that Liam had left hours ago for his flight, so she really had no reason to panic about him being woken up - just her own unease about letting the noise fill the silence and darkness of her room. It was invasive, to say the least.

_Pick up the phone or ignore it? Life was all about choices like these._

She read the blindingly bright screen.

_Josh._

Although, she was still sane enough to put his _'real_ ' name in her phone as Elliot. Even still, she was blurring the lines between the two of them, afraid that she'd never fully accept him as just her patient and not her long lost... what? Friend? Lover? With all of the memories swimming around in her head lately, she was having a hard time figuring it out anymore.

“Hello?” she whispered hoarsely into the phone, before realizing she had no reason to. She cleared her throat. “Elliot? Are you alright?” she asked. There was a breath on the other line, a bit of a shuffling sound. “Hello?” she said again, this time with snap.

“I didn't expect you to pick up,” he said. Sam sat up, flicking on her bedside lamp.

“Yeah, well, maybe you shouldn't have called then,” she suggested, rubbing her face with her hand. This was the kind of thing Liam was warning her about, getting too invested. She never should have given him her number... and yet... A little flutter inside her stomach was undeniable. She was excited. Nervous. All those same feelings that Josh gave her when she was young. _Exactly_ the same feelings.

“I was just going to leave a voicemail,” he assured. Sam found herself chuckling into her hand and leaning back against her headboard. She brushed her bedhead from her face and gave a sigh.

“What do you need?”   

“...I guess I just needed someone to talk to,” he said after a moment of silence. Sam swallowed, torn between wanting to stay on the phone with him and wanting to hang up and change her number. This was so unbelievably inappropriate that she slightly feared that this patient might be the end of her career, the end of everything she'd ever worked for.

And yet, for some reason (boredom? Grief? Loneliness?) she was willing to take the risk.

“...And also, I wanted to know what your voicemail says,” he added.

“My voicemail?” she repeated. Okay, if she wasn't intrigued before, she definitely took the bite this time. “What about my voicemail?” Another long pause. She wondered what he was doing that seemed to distract him so much. “Hello?”

“Yeah,” he said without missing a beat now. “I wanted to know if it was all professional, like, ' _Hello, this is Doctor Jensen and I am currently unavailable_ ,' or if it was more cutesey like ' _Hiiii! This is Sam, I can't come to the phone right now! But leave a message after the beep and I'll get back to you!_ ” The second way he mocked her voice was almost offensive, with a hint of Valley Girl. She leaned forward, her arm wrapping around her bent knees, mountains under the blanket.

“Okay, first of all, _neither_ of those sound like me and second of all, you called me to hear my voicemail? At 2:30 am?” Her eyes slid to the clock. It was actually 2:41 am now. Either way... she heard him laugh on the other end, slow and deep ' _ha. ha. ha's._ ' A tired laugh. She was surprised he was even trying. She also realized before that moment that she'd never heard him laugh before. It sounded so much like him.

“I guess... _yeah_. I couldn't sleep until I heard what your voicemail sounded like.” Sam felt one side of her mouth raise to a lopsided grin, a gentle shake of her head.

“You do realize this is highly inappropriate, right?” She knew this was highly inappropriate, too. Something inside of her made it hard to care.

“Hey. I won't tell if you don't.” His voice was so droning and slow, slightly slurred. She wondered if he'd already taken one of the sleeping pills before he called her. “To be honest, I'm a little flattered you even considered picking up.”

“It's kinda part of the job description.” No. It really wasn't. She sighed, turning to her side and grabbing onto her pillow to tuck in under her head, stifling a yawn.

“I won't keep you up any longer,” he promised. “But…after we hang up, I'm gonna call you back. Just let it go to voicemail.” Sam felt her heart skip a beat, literally felt it in her chest before her mouth was saying,

“O-okay...” weakly. She was trying to suppress a grin, but then realized she had no one there to hide it from... besides her own reflection watching onward from the vanity mirror by her bed.

“Goodnight, Jensen,” he crooned. Her breath hitched, a sudden flashback of Josh calling her the very same thing. It was either _Sammy, Jensen_ or _kid_... which she loved the most because it was both big brotherly and possessive, and something about it felt like she was his.

“Goodnight-” There it was again, dancing on the tip of her tongue. She almost slipped and called him Josh. “ _Elliot_.” The call ended, a gentle beep in her ear before her screen went back to a call log. She exhaled, wondering if she'd remembered to breathe the entire time she'd been on the phone with him. Sure enough, just as he said he would, his name started flashing across her screen as he called back, the phone gently vibrating in her hand – which was odd considering the first time he'd called it seemed so menacing. The call stopped, and Sam felt like she could relax her body, which had been so tense during their conversation. She hoped that her voicemail was all he'd dreamed it would be as she set her phone down on her nightstand. As she went to click her light off, her phone buzzed one more time, a quick jolt.

_One New Voicemail._

Did she dare? _Pick up the phone or ignore it? Life was all about choices like these._

She picked her phone back up slowly, hesitantly, as though it may burst into flames. She tapped the voicemail button to hear, and it only took a few seconds before his voice was there, invading her room and her thoughts and her life again. Three deep chuckles, just like before. ' _Ha. Ha. Ha_ '

“You did not disappoint, Dr. Jensen. It was everything I hoped it would be.” And somehow...she didn't doubt that.

* * *

_To Be Continued..._


	6. It's Him.

* * *

 

Sam couldn’t sleep after Elliot’s phone call. She listened to his voicemail message a good seven times before forcing herself to quit. She brought out her old shoebox full of memorabilia again. She looked through all her old photos and letters until about six am. The sun started to peek through her window

and the birds were chirping before she was able to let her eyes slip closed and fall asleep.

But it was only a few hours later that she heard her doorbell chiming. Her first instinct was to ignore it, but her mind had a funny way of thinking fast even when half asleep.

_ “Mom!”  _ She rushed out of bed to answer the door as quickly as possible.

Margaret looked surprised to see her daughter in pajamas still, “Since when have you ever slept past eight?” She asked with a teasing tone, though she could see the bags under Sam’s eyes and knew instantly she hadn’t slept well. “Do you need to reschedule?”

Sam shook her head, pulling her mom in for a hug she so desperately needed for the last five days, “No, no absolutely not. Let me just…shower and get ready. Make yourself at home, Mom.”

She started back to her bedroom, vaguely hearing her mom find Cee-Cee and talk to her as if the cat was her granddaughter she hadn’t seen in ages.

Sam had completely forgotten that she was supposed to go wedding dress shopping with her mother that day. She had been engaged to Liam for over a year now, the wedding was in two months, she needed to get a move on this.

_ “I don’t even have colors picked out…green and blue. Perfect. Works for me.” _

She had been distant with the wedding plans ever since she was forced to make them. Which was the moment Liam proposed. Sam thought they had reached the point where they should get married—after all, she’d be thirty in a few short years, her clock was ticking. It was now or never. This was not to say that she didn’t love Liam! He treated her well enough, welcomed her into his comfortable three bedroom home, showed her off to all his friends…

Sam hoped seeing herself in the right wedding dress would get her more excited. She was probably still in denial that something so great was happening to her. That’s all.

And she handled it well when the first dress her mother picked out for her didn’t seem quite right. Nor the second. Or third. About time she was in her fourth dress (which was about two hours later because damn, those dresses were hard to get in and out of), she was looking at herself in the mirror and seeing Josh’s eyes staring back.

It could have been from her obsessive and constant  _ research  _ from the past two and a half days, but her eyes filled with tears and ran down her face before she could stop them.

At first, Margaret assumed this dress was  _ the  _ dress and her beautiful daughter was crying tears of joy. It only took her a short moment, however, to realize that Sam’s retched sobs into her hands was not  _ at all  _ joyful.

Margaret went to her and embraced her as tight as she could, “Talk to me, Sammy.”

And Sam didn’t even hesitate. She’d wanted to talk to her mom since the day she thought she saw Josh in the crowd, and though that was only a few days ago, it felt like so much time had passed and all she wanted to do was tell Elliot that he looked and sounded exactly like the one true love of her life, and hell, he might even  _ BE HIM! _

“He has the same eyes as Josh, Mom… _ the same exact eyes!” _

“Oh…honey…honey, we went to his funeral. You—,” but Margaret stopped herself. There was no need to tell Sam anything she already knew. She knew her daughter had battled—and continued to battle—a deep depression that no one could ever begin to try to understand. She hid it so well that even she—her own mother—forgot that Sam would never be the pure ray of sunshine that she was when she was younger.

Margaret thought—she  _ hoped— _ that Sam was finally finding happiness in Liam, and that she would one day enjoy the pleasure of motherhood and discover that deep love that only mothers have for their children. But looking at her daughter now—seeing the confusion and uncertainty in her, she was scared Sam was keeping happiness from herself and may have believed she didn’t deserve it.

And what scared her the most was that she didn’t think Sam would go through with the wedding. Oh, sure, she might go through the motions, the rituals, say the words, the vows. But would her mind be there? Would she only be wishing she was marrying someone else? Her daughter was always an a _ ll or nothing  _ kind of girl, and she knew, Sam’s love for Josh…it was always an  _ all. _

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to,” Margaret told her gently but with conviction.

Sam sniffled, accepting the tissue that was handed to her and wiping her eyes and nose, “I know. Can we—can we maybe try this again another day?”

* * *

Sam was up before the sun again on Monday morning. It was the day for her next appointment with Josh ( _ “Elliot!”).  _ She hadn’t seen him since Thursday morning and it felt like she had been separated from him for years. Their very short phone conversation he made to her a few nights ago was the last she’d heard his voice (save for all the videos of Josh she binged on  _ Facebook  _ and yes, their voices were exactly the same).

She did all she could on her own. She was determined to get to the bottom of this.

Their appointment wasn’t until 8:00, but Sam arrived at the office at 7:42. Bryana was already there—and so was Elliot.

“Good morning, Dr. Jensen,” Bryana greeted as cheerfully as always.

Elliot looked up upon hearing her name, and Sam caught herself staring at him.  _ “He’s the man of the boy I watched from all those videos…” _

She smiled at him and cocked her head toward her personal office, “Come on in, Elliot. We’ll get started early again.”

He stood instantly and followed her down the short hallway to her office. The anxiety and excitement she felt when he stepped inside and she closed the door behind them was almost unbearable, but she promised herself she would keep her cool.

“You’re here early again, Elliot.”

He never took his eyes off her from the moment she walked in, “I—couldn’t wait. To see you.”

Her heart fluttered in her chest as she casually placed her bags down on her desk, “Oh? And why’s that?”

Elliot rolled his shoulders, a small shrug, but his answer proved that he was far from not knowing, “To talk? I feel like—like you actually  _ understand  _ me.”

Sam’s body tingled and she suddenly didn’t feel like she had any strength in his body. Her muscles and bones turned to mush and it was all she could do to fall into her seat instead of on the floor.

“I’m so—,” she whispered, reaching into her bag for the recorder. She raised her voice a bit higher, “so happy to hear that…I would like to understand you more, if you don’t mind.”

She pressed record, forgetting to say her routine facts. But she knew what session this was and with whom…even if she didn’t record it, she’d never be able to forget it. He instantly began speaking of his time at the mental asylum. All the shock therapy they would give him. The meds. The shots. Often being strapped down even while simply going to sleep. How no one ever came to visit him. How he never connected with the other mental patients because—even though he was told they were just like him—he felt completely different from everyone.

Sam listened the whole time. She didn’t ask questions. She didn’t interrupt. She was too afraid that she would say the wrong thing and he would stop talking. His voice was like an angel but the stories he told were of demons, and she swore she only took one breath every few minutes.

Tears constantly brimmed her eyes, and she knew he saw her glassy orbs more than once. She was supposed to be strong—tell him what he went through was all for a reason. But she thought—no, she  _ knew— _ that her showing her sorrow, connecting with him on the level, was what he truly needed.

Whether Elliot was Josh or not, this man didn’t deserve the harsh treatment he was given. He remembered too much to be labeled as mentally insane. She wished she’d known he was in that asylum…she would have freed him in a heartbeat.

“But there was always one thing that…that was always crystal clear, and still is,” he said, two hours into his story and thirty minutes after his session was due to end, “This dream—I’ve always had this…reoccurring dream…”

Her eyebrows furrowed, her eyes telling him to tell her.

“I’m—I’m in this cave. Or…or a mine, or something. It’s almost completely dark but there are just enough lights to help me see. There’s voices…girls. Two of them…always asking me why I wanted them to die and why I didn’t save them. I tell them— _ I tell them ‘I don’t know’  _ ‘c-cause I don’t even know them, ya know?” Elliot obviously got caught up in the moment, but caught himself, trying to remain calm as he continued to describe it, “Still, I feel remorse  _ so fucking bad  _ that I just want to die.

“And then…then I’m flying. I mean, something’s got me by my shirt and it’s carrying me and I think I’m flying. And then I get that feeling when you fall when you’re half asleep. You know? When it jerks you awake? Except I don’t wake up at this point. It feels like I do, but it’s always still my dream. I look into a dark corner and there’s this— _ creature  _ staring at me. Its eyes are blank but I know it hates me and wants to kill me. It has no—I mean, it’s nothing but bones. Its limbs are long and I can see the ribs of this thing. It’s so pale, then it runs at me at this  _ godforsaken speed _ and—,” he stops, placing his hands on his head to block out the images he gave himself.

Sam’s mouth was hanging open. Tears streamed down at her face though she hardly felt them on her skin. She was numb and all the oxygen in the room was taken. But she registered that he was in distress from voicing this—possibly for the first time ever—and she was on the couch beside him before she could tell herself that it was unprofessional.

But Elliot was having an anxiety attack and she needed to remain calm. She wrapped her arms around him and pressed his head to her shoulder, her body rocking to the rhythm of his breaths.

She stared at her ceiling, trying to collect her thoughts. It was undeniable now. Elliot—this man she was currently holding in her arms—was Josh. She didn’t know how. But she was determined to get to the bottom of this. She squeezed him tighter.

“I promise we’ll get through this together,” she told him, her head turning so she could rest her cheek atop his head. The feel of his hair, the smell of him—she wanted to remember all of it and she wished they were in an environment where she could hold him like this forever and never have to let go again.

His breathing began to slow as she calmed him. His hands dropped from his head; one landing lifelessly on the couch but the other finding her arm and grasping it—his way of telling her that he trusted her completely.

And they stayed like this until Bryana knocked on her door to remind her that her next appointment had been waiting for twenty minutes.

_ “Reschedule him! Refer him to someone else!”  _ This was all Sam wanted to tell Bryana, but before she could even get a single word out, Josh was pulling away from her, pulling his hood over his head as he stood.

“No, wait! You don’t have to go—,” she cut herself short so she wouldn’t say his name. She reached out for him but he was already at the door.

“See you Thursday, Doctor,” he mumbled before letting himself out and disappearing.

Sam rushed out of her office as well, her eyes following the back of him as he walked down the hall to the exit of the building. He pushed the door open, paused, turned back to catch eyes with her, then was gone.

Bryana spoke behind, “Dr. Jenson, would you—.”

“I have a project for you,” She turned to Bryana and she was sure that she scared the poor girl with the wild look in her eyes, “I need you to gather  _ every single bit  _ of information on Elliot Roth and Joshua Washington. Got it?”

Bryana went pale but started typing away at her computer, nodding as her boss spoke.

“I’m going to see my next patient now,” Sam continued, “Please have all your findings printed for me before this appointment is over. Yes?”

“Yes, ma’am,” Bryana responded shortly, her eyes never leaving the computer screen.

“You’re wonderful.” Sam turned to the man sitting in her waiting room, “I’m ready to see you now, Jason,” she said before turning on her heels and heading back to her office.

 

* * *

The day drew to an end quicker than Sam had anticipated, and while she was beginning to gather up her belongings to head home, Bryana opened the door and poked her head in.

“Oh good, I thought maybe I missed you,” she chirped, inviting herself the rest of the way in, her arms cradling a manilla envelope. “I got those files you were asking for. All of the medical reports for Joshua Washington ceased around 2015…”

“ _ Right _ ,” Sam snapped a bit with an impatient nod, reaching her hand out to snatch the envelope from Bryana. That would make sense. Josh died in 2015. Sam opened the envelope, spreading the contents across her desk like a big jigsaw puzzle. Some of the papers on Elliot were just duplicates of what was in his patient file that Bryana had given her when Elliot had his first session, but some of it was new.

“It was just kinda odd because there was nothing on Elliot Roth prior to 2015. I searched every medical database… I even called the long-term care facility he’d been admitted to in Zurich but they didn’t have any information prior to his check-in.”

Sam felt like there was a rock in her stomach, sitting low and heavy. She’d wondered…  _ even hoped _ . But… she’d never imagined it could possibly be true. It was starting to become clear to her that she hadn’t been imagining things. She wasn’t crazy. She recounted the things she knew for sure in her mind.

 

_ Elliot Roth looked and sounded identical to Joshua Washington. _

_ Josh died in 2015, and Elliot seemed to have only begun to exist in 2015. _

_ Elliot had vivid dreams about the night on Mount Washington - things that only one of them could know. _

 

Sam exhaled the breath she was holding as she let her mind process the fact that there might be a very real, very good chance that Elliot Roth  _ was _ Josh Washington.

Sam excused Bryana before collapsing into her office chair, her forehead landing into her palm as she sifted through the paperwork, her mind loudly buzzing. She would read information on what she thought was for Elliot and look at the top of the paper to realize she was reading something about Josh. They were one in the same.

And then Sam found the most damning piece of evidence of all. If she hadn’t been searching so hard, she might have missed it. 

She’d found it on Elliot’s first admission paperwork for the care facility in Zurich, Switzerland. Most of the paperwork had been signed by Elliot as a volunteer admission, but on one page there was a signature of a witness/co-signee and it read the initials  _ RW _ .

The very first name that popped into Sam’s head was none other than Robert “Bob” Washington.

Since she wasn’t going to be able to get answers from Elliot or from this paperwork, Sam knew exactly who she needed to see to get the truth once and for all.

 

* * *

Sam checked the address again, then once more just in case. Nope, this was it. She parked her car alongside the curb, getting out and squinting into the distance. The house before her was poorly landscaped; hardly the kind of place a Washington would live. The grass was dry and yellowed, the bushes dead and overgrown; it was as though it were stuck in time. She walked up the uneven pathway, unsure how Melinda and Bob even ended up in a place like this. Sure, the house was sprawling and huge, but it was hardly what she’d grown up knowing.

The closer she got the more she worried that she might lose her nerve, but Elliot’s ( _ Josh’s _ ) pained face in her office the day before kept flashing prominently in her mind and she knew that she had to do this - she needed to know the truth.

She hiked the file that was resting under her arm up, as it was starting to fall as she reached the door. She pressed her perfectly manicured finger against the onyx black doorbell ringer, listening to the sound of a cathedral-like bell chime in the distance. She could hear someone approaching, footsteps slapping against tiled floor, before the door creaked open. A young woman, maybe around Sam’s age, opened the door, her wide eyes were inquisitive.

“Yes?” she asked, pulling her cardigan closed against her chest, modestly. Sam glanced down at the smeared address on the paper in her hand once more; 22451. Her eyes glanced at the same numbers vertically lined down the side of the front door. There was no denying it. 

“Yes, I’m looking for Robert and Melinda Washington,” Sam said, pulling the strap her her purse back over her shoulder as it began to slide down. The woman glanced over her own shoulder before she sighed slightly, a shrug in her shoulder.

“Melinda is resting,” she informed Sam, and she realized quickly that this may be an in-home nurse. “Can I ask what this is about? She doesn’t like to be disturbed.” 

“I’m… a very old friend. I grew up with their children-”

“Melinda doesn’t have any children-” she said, beginning to close the door on Sam but she stuck her foot boldly in the doorway, keeping it open. She was desperate.

“Please…" she begged, "tell her it’s Samantha Jensen, she’ll remember me,” Sam assured, her eyes locking into the nurse’s desperately. There was a brief moment where she seemed to weigh her options, but finally she nodded, closing the door to presumably go deliver the message. Sam stood on the front porch, waiting, her heart pounding in her chest. She hadn’t even considered that Melinda wasn’t well, and she had no idea what had happened to Bob. It only took a few moments before the dark eyed nurse returned, opening the large door and wordlessly inviting Samantha into the house.

As she stepped down the long, mason-stoned hallway, Sam noticed lots of southwestern art and masks lining the walls, but no sign of their dearly departed offspring - not even a picture. It was as though they’d never even existed. Sam even wondered if she was at the correct Washington residence. 

Soon, they entered a large sitting room with tall, vaulted ceilings, some unrecognizable soap opera paused on her television screen. She almost didn’t recognize Melinda, who was settled into a spot on the couch, tired and aged. Given the fact that Sam’s mom was around the same age as Melinda, Sam could hardly believe that she looked so old and sickly in comparison.

“Samantha,” she greeted. She went to stand, reaching for her cane nearby, but Sam wouldn’t allow it. She neared Melinda out of politeness and habit, leaning down to give her a brief hug before taking a seat in a chair nearby.

“Hello, Melinda.”

“It’s been a long time,” she noted, stating the obvious. 

“It has,” Sam agreed, pulling off her jacket and folding it over the arm of the chair. Almost 9 years. Sam cleared her throat, setting her file beside her on the chair and gearing herself up for the small talk that would be expected before she could delve into why she was really there. “How’s Bob?” she asked then, curiosity getting the better of her.

“Robert passed away three years ago,” Melinda said, her face somber as she tried to sit up. She shouldn’t have been this old; Melinda was always a lively, vivacious woman. Losing everyone in her life must have taken its toll on her health. “Cirrhosis.” 

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Sam said. And she  _ was _ sorry to hear that. Josh would be very sad to learn his father had passed when he finally remembered who he really was, although Sam knew she was getting ahead of herself even thinking about that right now. “How are you?” Sam asked, although it was almost painful trying to make small talk with the real questions so loudly screaming in her mind. Melinda turned toward Sam in her seat, her eyes darkening. She looked so much like Josh in some ways, and like Hannah and Beth in all the others. It was eerie to be sitting next to her. Melinda shot Sam a knowing glance, narrowing her eyes and clasping her hands in her lap.

“Samantha, why are you here?” Melinda asked. Sam felt her cheeks grow hot; she’d thought herself a fine actress, but it turned out that Melinda was onto her. It did seem kinda odd, showing up here out of nowhere to just catch up. Sam watched as her eyes honed in on the file sitting beside Sam, and she rested her hand atop of it, protectively.

“Tell me again what happened to Josh,” Sam said plainly, matching Melinda’s candor. She leaned forward, her elbows on her knees as she waited for a response. It was clear from the way she went white that that was the last thing Melinda had expected to come out of Sam’s mouth. She shuffled in her seat before nervously reaching forward for her glass of water. The nurse hurried over, handing it to Melinda so she didn’t strain herself too badly, and Melinda greedily drank it down until she could think of a good enough response.

“What do you want to know?” she finally said, setting her water glass down beside her in a closer spot, where she wouldn’t need help to reach it again if she needed to buy more time. Sam, however, had all the time in the world. She wasn’t leaving here until she learned the truth.

“I want to know how he died.” Melinda glanced around, uncomfortably, before giving an indignant scoff.

“I can’t believe you’re asking me to recount the death of my-”

“Melinda,” Sam breathed, her head bowing down in pure exhaustion. She didn’t have the patience for these games. She just wanted a straight answer. She felt a lump growing in her throat. “I chased you all around that funeral to talk to you,” Sam divulged, raising her head and her eyes slowly. “I need to know. Please.” Melinda’s mouth dropped open slightly, then she blinked away her blank stare with a nod.

“Um… okay,” she croaked, her nod becoming more prevalent. “Okay. If you really feel like you need to know-”

“I do,” Sam assured.

“Joshua died in the mines. The search and rescue team found him frozen and picked apart by some kind of animal. The coroner told us that… He hadn’t made it past the first night.” Sam felt her stomach churn at the thought, all these years wondering but never knowing… and yet, she knew that no matter how tear-filled and genuine Melinda seemed right now, she was lying right to her face. 

“Wow,” Sam breathed, her hand reaching for the file. She felt like she was on fire from the inside out, ready to explode. She knew it wasn’t true, she had the proof right there in her hands and sitting right in front of her for hour-long therapy sessions three times a week. And yet, she wanted to believe that Melinda was telling the truth. Did she even know? Of course she knew, she had to know. “And you saw his body?” Sam pried, knowing the truth and waiting for her to lie again. Melinda didn’t even hesitate.

“Yes, and it was the worst moment of my life,” she said quickly. “I’m afraid I am in no condition to be discussing such macabre things with you, no matter how curious you may be,” Melinda spat angrily, leaning forward and looking around for her nurse, who was off somewhere else in the house at this point. “I have nothing else to discuss with you.” Sam stood, peering down her nose at Melinda, unable to hide the disgust in her voice as she said,

“Except I think you do. Like,  _ who _ is Elliot Roth and why did Bob check him into an in-patient care facility in Switzerland,  mid-February of 2015, Melinda?” Sam tossed her file down to Melinda where it landed on her lap with a  _ plop _ . Melinda grabbed at the file and tried to conceal it with her hands, as though that would make Sam unread everything. “Don’t bother, I have another copy.” Three more, actually. Sam crossed the room, nearing the massive stone mantle, taking a small framed picture of Bob and Melinda into her hands and studying it.

“Where did you hear that name?” Melinda asked, her voice the quietest thing in the room. Sam turned towards her, an involuntary ‘ha!’ falling from her lips before she drew closer to her once more.

“Really? That’s what you have to say?”

“I don’t know about...about any of this,” Melinda said breathlessly, but her eyes were unable to hide the panic behind them as they roamed over the file’s contents. It was as though she’d gotten so used to her own lies that she almost didn’t believe the facts before her. 

“I find it hard to believe that Bob was able to fake your son’s death without your knowledge, Melinda,” Sam pointed out, finally retreating back to her seat. She plopped down and settled in, crossing her legs and getting comfortable. “So, why don’t you tell me a little story, hmm?” Melinda continued to mull over the paperwork, none of which recent, her mouth opening and closing like a fish as she tried to find words.

“I don’t… I…” she stammered before she looked at Sam, her eyebrows pulling together and her eyes welling up. “I didn’t want to do it. But… Bob insisted that it was the best thing for him…”

“So you let us all mourn him for the last 9 years,” Sam breathed, shaking her head in disbelief. She noticed, however, the huge, wonderful relief on her heart as the words kept repeating in her head over and over again.  _ You were right. Josh is alive. He’s alive. Elliot IS Josh. You’re not crazy. _ Melinda clasped her hand over her mouth, her eyes spilling with tears.

“How did you find this?” Melinda asked, and then she sat forward quickly, reaching out to Sam. “Have you seen him? Do you know where he is?” she asked frantically. Sam almost told her the truth, but then wondered why Melinda was even asking her this.

“...You… don’t know where he is?” Melinda just shook her head, sniffling as she reached for a tissue nearby, the tears ever-constant at this point. 

“We lost track of him a few years ago. The doctors released him but we were never informed where he went…”

“Didn’t you visit him?” Sam asked, but she knew the answer. Josh had said that he didn’t have any family, no one to visit him all those years in and out of treatment. All he had was his millions to keep him afloat.

“He didn’t remember us, Sam. There was no use-”

“Don’t you think he needed his mom?” Sam snapped, getting choked up at her own words. “How could you just leave him in there? Alone? He didn’t even know his real name!” Sam felt her own eyes filling with tears as she recalled the pain she’d seen Elliot/Josh in, never knowing who he was and where he came from. The thought made Sam’s heart feel like it was literally splitting in half and no matter how many tears Melinda might shed before her, she couldn’t bring herself to feel a shred of sympathy for the woman.

“Please, Sammy, if you know where he is… I need him to know how sorry I am-” Melinda began, but she was cut off by Sam’s intense glare. The way Melinda said her name was like nails on chalkboard. Sam smoothed out her skirt before carefully picking up her jacket and her bag, trying to keep herself calm before she blew up again.

“Only  _ two _ people in my life are allowed to call me that,” she said evenly. “And you’re not one of them. I’ll see myself out.” Sam turned, trying her best to be strong. Her heart was broken, not just for herself and for Josh, but for Melinda as well. Here was this woman who’d lost everything, and Sam was turning away from her. Maybe once Josh had learned who he was and regained his memories she could bring him here to Melinda but no, not yet. Not as he was now. How would he cope knowing that his mother had signed him off to a care facility and abandoned him… and was living less than 20 minutes away from him now?

Sam got into her car, slamming the door and tossing her things in the passenger seat. The farther she’d gotten from Melinda, the better she was beginning to feel. She caught a glimpse of herself in the rearview mirror, her make up smudged and her cheeks puffy and tear-streaked. She began to wipe away the tears but more just came out. She leaned her head on her steering wheel before she broke out into full, loud sobs. 

Josh was alive. He was _ alive.  _

Soon, however, those sobs began to cease, shifting and breaking until they resembled the sound of laughter, escaping her lips like they’d been trapped inside her. Although Sam had just proved to herself that she wasn’t crazy, she felt like she was currently going insane as she laughed and laughed, the tears continuing to pour from her eyes.

_ Josh was alive. _ And he’d been sitting across from her in her office for the last week and a half. And he didn’t even know it.

* * *

_ To Be Continued... _


	7. Dinner Guest

__

Sam couldn’t help but notice the knot that formed in her stomach the moment she pulled up to her house and saw Liam’s car in the driveway. She reluctantly checked the time - it was past midnight. She had forgotten that Liam was due home today, and she wasn’t quite sure how she was going to explain her absence. She looked at her phone, which had been on silent, to see the three missed calls and two text messages from Liam throughout the evening, and that made her even sicker. 

Sam was well aware how strangely she’d been acting since Josh walked back into her life, and she had no idea how she was going to explain this to Liam… but did she really  _ have  _ to? Again, Sam realized she couldn’t very well explain who Josh was and all he meant to her without explaining the events that took place on Mount Washington all those years ago. Even then, he would only think she was even crazier than he already did.

Sam knew just by the way he’d been looking at her the last few days that something in him had changed, the way he saw her. She had worked so hard to overcome all of her grief and all of the trauma she still carried around like baggage, waiting to eventually be unpacked. Liam was only getting a glimpse of the kind of crazy she knew deep down she was capable of.

Sam quietly turned the key in the lock, hoping that by some chance she could sneak in undetected, but it appeared, as she stepped into the foyer, that Liam was just going out… or had just gotten home. She wasn’t sure.

His eyes grew as he looked at her, still in her skirt and blazer from work earlier. “Are you  _ just _ now getting home?” he asked. This was so unlike her. She dropped her bag to her side, setting her keys down on the table by the front door. 

“Work-” she began, but he stopped her.

“Bryana already told me that you left for the day. Said something about you driving to Calabasas?” Ouch. Caught.

“I wasn’t working in my office,” Sam explained, tucking a loose strand of blonde behind her ear, one of her biggest tell-signs that she was lying. Josh had pointed this out when they were younger and Sam had insisted on the guys letting her play poker with them. He read her like a book, always. 

The gesture seemed to brush over Liam, who began to take his coat off, “I should say not. Where were you working? Especially in Calabasas?” he asked. She didn’t like his tone, it was hard and accusatory. He’d never spoken to her in that way before. She cleared her throat nervously, her eyes falling to the ground and she pushed past him and walked into the kitchen to make herself some tea.

“I…. I went to see one of my client’s parents. To get a better read on him…” she said meekly, pulling out her silver teapot and beginning to fill it with water. She kept her back to Liam so she didn’t have to see the astonishment in his face, but it didn’t matter. She could hear it in his voice as he said, “Sam, that seems really…”

“Crazy?” she said under her breath, chuckling and shaking her head. 

“...unnecessary…” he decided upon. Sam folded her lips before she said anything else dumb. Why hadn’t she just told him she went out for drinks with some friends?

….Oh right. Because she didn’t have any friends.

“Sam…” he said, but she didn’t respond to him as she turned on the burner, watching the black circle turn to an ominous, searing red. She set the teapot down. “Sam.” He said again. She took in a sharp breath, turning to face him.

“What,” she let out quickly. This wasn’t a conversation she wanted to have any more. He neared her, his hands rubbing up and down her arms. There was a time when his touch calmed her, comforted her. Now all it did was make her feel guilty.

“I think… you might need to consider dropping this client this… this  _ Elliot _ guy. You haven’t been yourself since you started seeing him. I’ve never seen you like this,” Liam reasoned, his eyes intensely searching for hers, but she couldn’t meet his gaze.

“It’s not that simple. And I won’t be giving up on my client, if that’s what you’re asking me to do-”

“Sam you’re acting insane,” he finally snapped, dropping his arms from hers. Sam’s eyebrows pulled together in confusion… anger. 

“ _ Why  _ are you talking to me like this?” she said evenly, shaking her head. “So.. so I got a little invested. So I worked late tonight, so what? You do it all the time. Are you the only one allowed to care about your career? Are you the only one allowed to care about your work?” she combated. He stepped towards her, getting in her face a bit.

“ _ My _ career isn’t dealing with nutcases-”

“Don’t you dare,” Sam warned, her eyes angrily finding his before she pushed past him again and headed towards her bedroom, her feet heavy. She stripped herself of her blazer, tossing it away from her frustratedly  as she sat down at her vanity and violently began wiping away her make up. Her heart was pounding, her stomach fluttery and queasy, especially as she heard him following her to the bedroom.

Sam didn’t look at him when he paused in the doorway, but she could see him standing there in her peripheral. 

“Look… I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you,” he said in a tone that didn’t  _ sound  _ sorry, but Sam hardly cared if he was sincere or sorry or not. She just wanted to go to bed so that she could get to work and see Josh tomorrow. 

“I’m fine,” she said curtly, beginning to run her brush through her hair. 

“I didn’t mean to say that stuff, I’m just… I’m worried about you.”

“I  _ said _ I’m fine,” she snapped again, turning towards him. She pointed the brush at him. “You don’t have to worry about me. I am just doing all I can to help a patient, that should be commended. You should see how many psychiatrists throw pills at their subjects and call them good. Jo-  _ Elliot  _ is a very special case and I will not give up on him,” she said sternly. Liam’s shoulders slouched a bit and he neared her, kneeling down beside her vanity bench. 

“Okay,” he nodded solemnly, and Sam was almost relieved until he said, “But…”

“No buts,” Sam groaned, turning back towards her own reflection. 

“But what if you cross a line? Or get  _ way _ too invested? What if you can’t help him o-or you break a rule and lose everything. I’ve watched you work so hard to get to this point, I would hate to see you lose it all because of  _ one  _ patient.”

But he wasn’t just a patient. He was the love of her life… and she couldn’t very well tell her fiance that. She could see Liam’s face in her mirror, and Sam suddenly realized that she was going to have to figure out what she was going to do about Liam, soon. Something else she’d been putting off for far too long. There was no way she was going to be able to go through with this wedding, not with Josh alive and breathing and existing in her life, memories or not. 

 

And it was going to _destroy_ him.

 

* * *

**_Session 4 - Joshua Washington - 10:00 am_ **

 

“Welcome back,” Sam greeted, then felt her breath hitch when she saw him fully enter the room. 

Not Elliot. Never Elliot in her mind again.

_ Josh _ . Like she'd known deep down all along.

He gave her a slight nod but his footsteps didn't falter as he took his regular place on her beige couch, collapsing upon it with a slight bounce. Sam snapped on the recorder, rounding her desk and leaning against the front of it. She crossed her arms over her chest and squeezed; anything to keep herself from running over to wrap her arms around him, knowing what she knew now. Staring at his face, she couldn't believe she'd ever doubted it in the first place.

' _ He's here. He's  _ **_right_ ** _ here. He's alive. _ ' The words just kept screaming in her head over and over again and she was having a hard time containing the grin that kept breaking on her face. She hated that she couldn't just run over to him and shake him, ' _ remember who you are! Remember, me! _ ' Josh rose an eyebrow, crossing his own arms to match her.

“Care to share with the rest of the class?” he asked. Her smile must have been rubbing off of him, because he seemed brighter than the last time she'd seen him, perhaps looked like he'd at least gotten a few hours of sleep. She hoped the pills she'd prescribed were helping.

“Just a good morning,” she replied as vaguely as she could. It was so hard to talk to him now. She wanted him to remember, wanted him to recognize her. She reached beside her and lifted her coffee to her lips, although she didn't need it. She was wired enough on adrenaline as it were. “What about you? Did you have a good morning?”

“Wasn't too bad. I took the bus instead of walking today. Thought I'd try to have a conversation with someone on the way here.” Sam's own eyebrows raised, and she gave him an approving nod.

“That's good.  _ Did _ you?”

“No,” he said with a sort of chuckle. “Only crazy people are on the bus. Well, crazier than me, I guess.”

“I don't think you're crazy, _ Elliot.”  _ Just like he’d accused her of before, Sam found herself saying the name simply to remind herself not to slip up, especially now that she knew the truth. It was crucial that she not push him, and she certainly couldn’t just tell him he was a whole other person, that could make things even worse.

“Hmm.  _ Well,  _ you’d be the first, then.” Sam didn’t respond to that, she just lowered her head and walked toward her chair. She wanted to be closer to him. She'd sit on the couch with him, if it wasn't such an odd thing to do. Josh's eyes narrowed at her before he clicked his tongue, “Something’s…  _ different _ ,” he observed. “Like you’re hiding something.”

Sam's eyes widened. He was smirking. Did he know? Was this all some sick, elaborate joke? She shook the thoughts away. Of  _ course _ he didn't know. Sam cleared her throat and changed the subject.

“Have the sleeping pills been working?” she asked, and Josh gave a bit of shrug.

“I’m sleeping more, if that’s what you’re asking,” he droned, but then he frowned. “Actually, I think I’ve been dreaming even more… only now when I wake up at least it’s morning instead of the middle of the night. I’m finding it easier to come out a nightmare in the daylight.” Sam leaned back in her chair.

“Is it the same nightmare as before?” she ventured, and Josh kinda zoned out, staring into space instead of at anything directly, as though he were trying to remember, to piece the fragments together.

“It’s a lot of different stuff… I keep seeing those twin girls. If I didn’t know any better I’d think I were being haunted. I remember at one point I was being sawed in half,” he recalled, leaning his forehead into his hand and rubbing. Sam closed her eyes and swallowed… she couldn’t get the image out of her head now, the way it felt standing in her towel in that theatre room watching Josh get ripped apart… real or not, that image was forever burned into her memory. “I mean, that’s gotta mean something profound and metaphorical, right?” he chuckled. Sam allowed a tight smile, even though she could still hear Josh screaming in her mind.

“Sometimes, they say that dreams are memories of a past life,” she offered. “Or perhaps these are pieces of your repressed memories… try really hard to remember your dreams, Elliot. Write them down if you need to. Something in your subconscious could be begging to be let out.” Josh tilted his head to the side, pondering. “What are you thinking?” Sam asked almost instantly - she knew this look on his face. 

“Have you ever done hypnosis on a patient?” he asked. Sam clenched her jaw… she had, but she wasn’t sure she felt comfortable with it just yet… especially knowing what he was repressing first hand.

“Maybe in a future session,” she smiled politely. Josh nodded, folding his arms of his chest and sighing.

“To be honest, not much has happened since I saw you last…” Not for him, maybe. A lot had happened since she saw him last, however, and she knew it was feeling incredibly awkward now, knowing who he was and not being able to tell him. “I think… I only came today to see you,” he admitted, a sheepish smile spreading on his lips. It was infectious, and she felt her own lips curl up as well. She needed to see him outside of this constricting, professional environment… somewhere she could see him be himself and she could just be Sammy, not Dr. Jensen. And she was well aware how over the line even thinking about this was. It was as though her hands were acting on their own accord as they reached over and clicked off her recorder.

“Why don’t you come to my house,” she blurted before she could stop herself, her own eyes widening at her candor. Josh sat forward a bit, his own eyes big as well. “For dinner,” she added, torn between her personal longing and her Hippocratic oath. “I can observe you in a social setting outside of this place… then maybe next time you sit on a bus you  _ will  _ be able to strike up a conversation,” she covered. He chewed on his tongue a bit and Sam winced, wondering if he had bought it.

He offered her a smile, a real one, before he leaned back on the couch, his hands behind his head.

“What time?”

 

* * *

 

Sam rushed around her kitchen preparing for the special dinner that was about to occur very shortly. She kept drawing blanks on what the perfect meal would be for Josh until she finally opted on homemade pizzas. She ended up making six—just in case. She made a thin crust gluten-free veggie pizza for herself. She remembered that Josh’s favorite pizza was jalapeños, mushrooms, and onions. She made that, wondering if he still preferred it and if he would wonder how she knew. The other pizzas were more normal.

She also made a huge bowl of salad. She set out a quart of water. Liam came home near the end of her race, but knew she’d been slaving in the kitchen for awhile. He looked at all the pizzas then at her sweaty face and floured hands, “Are you—entering a pizza contest, babe?”

She stared at him, hands on her hips.  _ “Shit…now I’m going to have to explain this to him minutes before Josh gets here.”  _ She wiped her hand on her forehead, instantly feeling the flour and realizing she had to fix herself up. She rushed out of the kitchen and into her bedroom, pulling off all her clothes as she spoke, “I umm…invited someone over for dinner.”

Liam followed her, watching as she stripped to her underwear and bra before running into the bathroom to fix her face and hair, “Okay…anyone I know?”

She flipped her hair around which somehow made it bounce gracefully over her shoulders, then went for the eyeliner, “Not personally, but I’ve been—talking about him. It’s J—Elliot.”

A pregnant pause. Sam didn’t even need to look up to know the expression on his face. But then he chuckled, a forced amused sound, “Good one, Sam. I know you’re not that stupid to bring one of your  _ mentally ill  _ clients here.”

Sam pursed her lips together to keep from snapping at his choice of words, “I’m not lying, Liam. I invited him to dinner and he’ll be here soon.”

Another pause, then, “What the  _ fuck,  _ Samantha? After the fight we just got in over this shit? A-and the fact that it goes c _ ompletely  _ against your professional code to mix your work life with your personal life? And on top of  _ that,  _ you didn’t even have the decency to tell me until  _ now?” _

She hardly cringed at his raised voice, “It was a last minute decision, Liam. And I have to do this—he doesn’t have anyone else.”

Liam threw his hands in the air and began pacing as Sam finished up with her makeup then went to her closet and pulled out casual, yet still presentable, clothes, “Then set him up in a group therapy or some shit and force him to meet people! Isn’t  _ that  _ your job? Not to make his shrink his only friend!”

Sam pulled on her slacks, “Please don’t talk to me about my job as if I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“But you obviously don’t! Do you have any idea—.” Before Liam could finish his thought, the doorbell rang.

“Oh, that’s him!” Sam said excitedly and it was as if the argument with her fiancé didn’t just happen. She grabbed her blouse and slipped it over her head before running back out to the kitchen. Liam’s eyes followed her with a look of disgust as he tried to figure out why she was acting like a teenager who was eager to hang out with her best friends.

Sam cleared her throat and fluffed her hair one last time before swinging the door open. Her chest heaved up as she sucked in a breath upon seeing Josh standing there.  _ “Josh is here…my Josh. It’s him. It’s always been him…” _

“I’m so glad you could make it, J-Elliot,” she greeted in the calmest voice she could muster. She stepped aside so he could enter. She wasn’t surprised to still see him in his normal clothes—blue jeans and his dark hoodie. At least it wasn’t pulled over his head though.

“Nice place you got here,” he commented, staring down at the short blonde who was positively beaming at him.

Before she could respond, Liam came out, “It’s actually my place,” he said in a tone a bit too possessively. It made Sam cringe inwardly—he hadn’t referred to the house as  _ his  _ since she moved in with him two years ago. Still, though his face was tight and unreadable, he held out his hand to Josh, “Liam Graham.”

Sam noticed the corners of Josh’s lips pull up, his amusement not going unnoticed. But while he politely shook Liam’s hand, his eyes fell to Sam, “Seriously? Your name’s gonna be Sam Graham?”

Sam couldn’t even get out a goodhearted laugh before Liam was asking, “There something wrong with my future wife’s name?”

Josh lost that little bit of a smile when he realize Liam was not fond of jokes, “No, man…not what I meant…”

“Uh-huh,  _ man,”  _ Liam responded and Sam wanted to slap the shit out of him.

_ But  _ she was able to maintain her air of hospitality and lead Josh further into the kitchen, “I made pizza, hope that’s okay. You have your choice of—.”

“I like your cat,” Josh interrupted, staring down at Cee-Cee who was rubbing up against his leg and purring loudly.

Sam smiled, glad someone else was welcoming Josh, “Good girl, Clarice.”

Josh leaned down to pet the cat, her meows long and happy, “Hello…Clarice.”

She laughed—it was a laugh she didn’t think she made since she was eighteen. She covered her mouth but her eyes shone with joy and the pleased look on Josh’s face made the moment even more priceless.

“That was perfect,” she complimented.

“So this is a dinner, right? Let’s eat dinner then,” Liam broke the moment, squeezing in between them to get to the counter and grab random slices of pizza.

Sam wanted to apologize to Josh for Liam’s behavior but Josh hardly seemed to care, “Awesome. With all this food I won’t have to worry about taking my meds to knock me out tonight.”

Liam shot Sam a look but she chose to ignore it, “I made plenty so you can take some home tonight if you want to.”

“This is my favorite,” Josh pointed to the jalapeño pizza, his eyes roaming to Sam, “You found this out simply by listening to me talk about my past? You  _ are  _ good.”

She laughed gently, but Liam continued to shoot her looks. He probably thought that she found that out through all of her  _ stalking  _ practices that she perfected within the last week.

Liam sat down at the head of the table, his plate clinking just a bit too loudly against the wood. Josh sat at the side of the table, then Sam sat between the two. They all began eating in silence, though Sam could feel Cee-Cee going between herself and Josh, her soft body rubbing against one leg then the other.

“So—can you tell me about yourself, or is that all confidential?” Liam asked. Sam wanted to reprimand him—he was acting like a spoiled child who wasn’t getting his way.

Josh shook his head, “No, the good Dr. Jensen here helped me open up, so it’s all good,” Sam could hear the sarcasm in his voice, though Liam may not have picked up on it because he never dealt with Josh’s humor before, “It all started when I was younger and wanted a unicorn. I begged and begged my parents for years until one day,  _ they got me a fucking unicorn”  _ Josh’s smile was genuine as he told his story, “I loved Tulip the Unicorn so much, but then one day her head just started to  _ rot  _ and it was beyond disgusting, man, you should have seen it. Anyway, turns out my parents just bought me a horse and drilled a hole into its head and stuck a piece of metal in it. I’ve never been the same since.”

Sam folded in her lips. This was definitely Josh and his warped sense of humor. She eyed him from the side before shifting her eyes to Liam who looked beyond revolted. He dropped his pizza and cocked his head to the side, silently telling her he wanted to speak to her in another room. She told Josh she’d be right back and followed Liam into the living room.

“What the fuck is wrong with him?” Liam asked in a voice that was low, but still could possibly be heard by Josh.

_ “Shhh,”  _ Sam looked into the kitchen to see Josh eating contentedly, “He was just telling a joke, Liam.”

“But he’s a damn guest in  _ my  _ house and doesn’t even have the decency to answer a question in a normal way?”

“You  _ were _ kind of rude,” she didn’t hold back to say, “ _ ’or is that all confidential?’  _ C’mon now…”

Liam shook his head, “Let’s just get through this dinner so we can send him home.”

Before Sam could protest, Liam went back into the kitchen. Sam bit her lip and stared at Josh for a long moment, silently wishing she’d never have to send him home.

But Liam rushed the dinner and tried to close the evening with, “Well, I have work early in the morning. Let me show you to the door.”

“I have to call a cab,” Josh said, taking out his cell.

“Don’t do that, I’ll drive you home,” Sam interjected before thinking. She grabbed a plate and piled up six slices of pizza for Josh to take home.

“That’s not—,” Josh began but stopped when she handed the plate to him then went to grab her shoes.

“Samantha, why don’t you—,” Liam tried to stop her.

“I’ll be back in about an hour,” Sam said, “There’s usually not that much traffic this late at night. You ready, Elliot?”

Josh nodded, his peripheral vision taking in the sight of an outright pissed Liam. Josh walked out the door, Sam closing the door behind them. They were silent until they reached the main road.

“I don’t think your fiancé likes me very much,” he said as a joke, mostly because it was so obvious.

Sam sighed, easing her shoulders down as she began to wash away her anger over how Liam was acting, “He just—doesn’t understand the situation…”

Elliot looked like he wanted to ask about the  _ situation  _ himself, but went with, “You gonna be okay when you get home? I mean…he seemed pretty mad…”

She looked over at him in the darkened car. It was at this moment that she realized she was finally alone with Josh. They were safe in the bubble of her car—she could tell him everything right then. Who she was, who he was, who  _ they  _ were. She had to bite down on her tongue to not come right out and say it. It wouldn’t be healthy for either of them if she did that. It could potentially confuse him even more and make him believe that she was the insane one. 

“He’ll get over it,” was all she said as she plugged her iPod into the stereo and pressed shuffle.

Josh watched her fidget with her device and made sure she didn’t take her eyes off the road for too long, “So when’s the wedding?”

“December 31 st .” Sam witnessed Josh smiling to himself, but trying to cover his laugh with his hand, “What’s so funny?”

Josh gave her a look that said  _ I really shouldn’t say  _ but she nodded him on, “Well…I just think it’s funny. Since it’s on New Year’s Eve, I’m assuming you’re luring people to the wedding with free booze. It’s a great way to ensure a huge wedding,” he paused here, looking out his window, “You don’t seem like someone who wants a big wedding though.”

Sam bit her lip to keep from saying anything.  _ Elliot  _ only spent maybe a total of ten hours with her and knew her better than Liam did. It was hard not opening up to Elliot—she finally got her friend back that she needed to tell all her secrets to and just  _ vent  _ but she couldn’t because she was his psychiatrist.

_ “But I never told you…what I should have said. No I never told you…I just held it in. And now I miss everything about. Can’t believe that I still want you…”  _ The old school music of Colbie Caillat filled the air and it made her wonder if Josh recognized it. She was Hannah’s favorite singer; his sister was constantly playing her songs.

She recalled a time when they were driving home from the beach. Beth was driving, Hannah was in the passenger seat, and Sam was in the backseat sitting in the middle of Chris and Josh. They were all casually talking about their day when Hannah yelled excitedly about a song that came on the radio, cranking it up so everyone could hear.

All the windows were rolled down, and Sam laughed and laughed at Hannah’s crazy hair that flew all over her head no matter how tame she tried to make it.

_ “I don’t know, but I think I may be—fallin’ for ya, dropping so quick-ly, maybe I should—keep this to myself…wait until I—know you better, I am tryin’ not to tell you; but I want to. I’m scared of what you’ll say—.” _

“Hey, bro!” Josh yelled over the music and wind to Chris. Sam instinctively sat forward so they could see each other while they spoke. Josh reached behind Sam and tapped his shoulder when Chris didn’t hear. Sam’s stomach did flips and rolls over the mere thought of Josh’s arm  _ around  _ her, “Why didn’t you ride in the car with Ash?”

Mike, Emily, Jess, and Ashley had also spent the day at the beach with them, driving their own separate car. There would have been plenty of room for Chris to ride in the back with Ashley, but at the last moment, he chickened out and chose to ride in Beth’s car.

Chris shrugged and raised his voice as well, “I dunno! Em’s car is a bit smaller so—.”

_ “Bullshit!”  _ Josh laughed despite still sounding somewhat disappointed in his best friend, “You just didn’t know what you would end up doing on the long drive home!”

_ “So I’m hidin’ what I’m feeling, but I’m tired of—holdin’ this inside my head…” _

The gentle rocking of the car, along with spending the whole day in the sun and water, was making Sam sleepy and her eyes started to droop. She allowed the car to sway her to the right where she was able to rest her head on Josh’s chest. His arm came down and around her, his fingers lightly caressing her upper arm. Yet he continued to yell over the music to Chris as though having Sam lay against him was normal and natural.

“You guys can be  _ so  _ annoying with how obvious you are and yet neither of you make a move!”

Sam smiled, loving how deep his voice sounded with her ear against his chest.

“Uh-huh! Sure, bro, you’re one to talk!” Chris countered.

Josh laughed, his fingers that were lingering on her arm suddenly squeezing her gently, “I’m not the one complaining though!”

Back in the present, Josh’s voice snapped Sam out of her memory, “If you just follow this street all the way down, my apartment is the last one on the right.”

Sam didn’t even realize that she drove all the way to his place with the two of them just comfortably listening to music the whole way. Yet when she parked in front of his building, she regretted having zoned out. She invited him to dinner to talk to him more—Liam pretty much ruined that. But she tried giving herself another opportunity by driving him home. Time just seemed to be slipping away from her the harder she tried to grasp it.

“Do you need coffee for the ride back?” Josh suddenly asked her. Sam turned her head to meet his gaze, “I can make you a cup…”

He was asking her if she wanted to come in for a moment. It was something that should sound off all kinds of alarms in her head. She should just tell him goodnight and drive home, and wait until his next appointment to see him again.

But she found herself nodding instead and getting out of her car with him. She followed closely behind him as he unlocked the front door then traveled down a winding hallway until they reached his apartment number. Sam held her breath, her hearing becoming hypersensitive when the sound of him turning the key seemed louder than it should have ever been.

_ ‘This is so wrong, Sam, what are you doing? You can very easily get your license suspended…’ _

“Come on in,” he said in the most pleasant voice, holding the door open for her before walking in behind her. He set his pizza on the counter before working on getting her coffee ready. She almost wanted to say that she didn’t actually need any, but then what was her excuse for coming here with him?

So she looked around, taking in how small the place actually was. His living room and kitchen practically blended together into one room, and around the left corner she spotted the tiny bathroom, and around the right corner, his medium sized bedroom. The door was wide open and she could see the messed up sheets hanging half off the bed.

She averted her eyes away from the bedroom. Against his wall beside the TV were piles and piles of textbooks.

“Are you a collector?” She asked teasingly, kneeling down to read all the titles.

_ Philosophy: The Meaning of Life; Introduction to Wines; UFOs in American Society; Underwater Basket Weaving; Cyberporn and Society; The Science of Superheroes; Kama Sutra—…Zombies in Popular Media. _

“Not really, those are just some classes I took recently,” he answered, pressing the round button on the top of the Keurig to brew her coffee.

She laughed lightly, “But these are so— _ random.” _

He shrugged, crossing his arms and leaning against his counter, “I sometimes get bored and just take whatever class sounds interesting at the time. Might as well do something with all that money sitting in the bank, right?”

The coffee machine beeped, and he handed her the mug, “Thank you…but seriously? You don’t have any sort of plan for a major?”

“Not really…I mean, unless you know something I could do with  _ Kama Sutra,”  _ he chuckled and sat down on his couch, to the far right, to show her that she was welcome to sit as well.

But Sam remained standing, feeling a bit awkward for doing so, but still trying to keep her nerves under control. She laughed with him, “So how’d  _ that  _ class happen?”

“It was in a good time slot—and it was a bonus that I was the only guy in that class, so you can imagine how much attention I got.”

She took a sip of her scalding coffee as she tried to hide her face from him. She knew how expressional her face could get against her will and was scared to show what was racing through her mind. It shocked her how jealous she felt, despite telling herself that he was probably just joking anyway. Even still—she would have loved to take that class with him…

Elliot watched her switch her weight from foot to foot, and wince her face every time the hot liquid burned her tongue even though she seemed to otherwise ignore it, “You wanna see my movie collection?” He asked, pulling out a big binder full of blu-rays.

She looked at him, seeing the same look in his eyes that was probably in hers. The desire to want her to stay, but the potential strangeness of the whole situation wanting her to simply flee and be done with it.

But, just like when she followed him inside his apartment, she had no control of her body. She walked around the coffee table and sat down on the couch with him. Her hands gripped the coffee mug tighter, the ceramic almost burning her palms.

“Let me guess…horror movies?”

He did a double-take. She watched as a slow smirk curved his lips. She always loved how much bigger his smile seemed compared to anyone else’s. It was almost like everyone else’s smiles held some sort of fakeness to them—but Josh’s were always genuine.

_ “Wow— _ first the pizza and now the movies. Is it something specific I said to give myself away?”

She gave a short laugh, “Well…you  _ did  _ tell that  _ very  _ excellent story about Tulip the Unicorn.”

_ “Ha!”  _ His laugh was deep and loud, and she could tell he was fully enjoying himself, “That was great, wasn’t it? Totally came up with that on the spot.” He opened his binder and, sure enough, all the horror classics lined the pages.

Thinking of his storytelling, it brought Sam back to a time when they were a lot younger—it was during her first sleepover at the Washington’s. Sam was turning thirteen in a few days, so Hannah and Beth were having a grand time giving her a makeover. They painted her nails, put blue and pink streaks in her hair, tested every single eyeshadow color and shade…

But that was all over once Josh came around and wanted to partake in scary story telling with them. Sam didn’t see the big deal about this, but Hannah and Beth tried their hardest to get Josh to go away.

Of course, he didn’t; turning off all the lights then flicking on a flashlight that he pointed up from his chin, he began telling his story. The sisters held onto each other, but despite continuously telling him to stop, they would stay quiet for certain moments of the story.

There was no doubt that Josh was a wonderful storyteller. He had the voice that could draw anyone in. And when he got to the climatic part, and Hannah and Beth were hiding their faces, Sam leaned in close and whispered, “…and then what happens?”

And though they just met a few weeks ago, the interest in both their eyes sparked a bond that would never leave them. He smiled at her, the flashlight glinting on his braces. She quickly realized that her best friend’s brother was completely dorky and she loved it.

Presently, Sam watched Josh’s face as he told her about some of the movies in his collection. It was probably things he told her before—in another time, another life. But to think about how he didn’t remember any of that and she was sharing these memories of them alone was clenching her heart. She wanted to reach out and shake him, yell  _ “Please remember me, Josh! We loved each other…” _

“Do I have something on my face?”

Sam blinked when he asked her this question. That’s when she realized that he caught her staring at him. She blushed, her whole body heating up, and her taking longer sips of her coffee wasn’t helping any, “No, just—dazed out for a second.”

He studied her for a moment and she tried to keep her face neutral. He put down his binder then sat back, his head lazily rolling against the back of the couch, “Well,  _ this  _ is my office. You can tell me what’s bothering you,  _ Samantha.”  _ He said her name with acuteness and a grin, giving away that he was feigning his psychologist voice.

Even still, she shivered hearing him say her name.  _ ‘I should go, I need to get out of here. It’s too much to handle right now. If I—.’ _

“I’ll start with a question,” he interrupted her thoughts. He shifted his eyes as he debated how or if he should ask. He opened his mouth slightly, his eyebrows narrowing and he looked genuinely confused, “Why are you so interested in me? I mean, I never had a—someone who…” he trailed off when he couldn’t find the right words. Then: “Someone who wanted to know me? Am I like—an anomaly for your profession and you’re trying to solve some sort of puzzle? Or do you visit all your patients and invite them to dinner?”

Sam furrowed her eyebrows. Her first instinct was to go on the defense but realized there was no reason to. He was asking sincerely and really did seem confounded on how anyone could find him in the least bit interesting. It made her lips turn down into a frown as she really tried to grasp the idea of him being alone inside his head with no memories.

“Is it only because I remind you of Josh?”

Hearing him talk about himself aloud was strange. It was like talking about someone who was standing right behind you.

“You…” she breathed, setting down her mug on the coffee table when her hands began shaking, “you just have so many secrets locked away inside you somewhere, and I want to help you get them out. You spend so much time by yourself, and that’s not good—you need to socialize—discover if there’s someone out there that can trigger a memory for you…help you rediscover who you really are. You have these moments where your—your eyes say  _ so much— _ but other times, they’re blank. I want to help you fill in all that blankness.”

His eyes became glossy as she spoke, the idea of someone actually caring about him seeming overwhelming. But he quickly blinked away the wetness before he gave himself away.

“Hey, I have an idea,” Sam went on quickly, not wanting him to feel awkward, “Let’s do a social experiment. I’ll take you to people I know—at least for the first few times—and we’ll just spend a few hours or the whole day with them. It’ll help you start talking to people and see that there are still a lot of good people out in the world.”

He waved his hand and nodded, “You’re the doctor.”

“Great!” She stood up quickly, a big smile on her face, “Let’s do a visit tomorrow evening to my mother’s.”

He smiled lazily up her, “Taking me home to mom already?”

She chuckled, grabbing her mug and drinking the rest before walking over to his kitchen counter, “My mom is  _ thee  _ nicest person in the world, so it’s a safe starting point.” She turned on the water to wash and rinse the mug. She placed it on the drying rack, then turned around to see him standing close to her.

“You leaving already?”

Sam sucked in a deep, brave breath, “Yeah…I should head home. Thank you for the coffee.” She reminded herself over and over that Josh was here and alive. He wasn’t going anywhere. She would see him tomorrow.

But tomorrow seemed ages away. Time passed so quickly when she was with him, yet so slowly when they were apart. She wished she could look into his eyes and kiss him. She wished he could lift her up onto his counter and wrap her legs around his waist. She wished she could feel his whole body pressed against hers and hear him breathing heavily against her.

But it wouldn’t be Sam and Josh if all that were to happen. It would be Elliot and Dr. Jensen and she didn’t want that—she wanted their true selves to be shining when they made their first—and final—connection.

So she settled for a hug. She stepped up to him and wrapped her arms around his torso, breathing in the smell of him—after all these years, he still smelled exactly like Josh. Her knees went weak when he wrapped his arms around her shoulders and held her tightly against him.

She wasn’t even sure how long they stood in his kitchen like that. She wanted to believe it was a whole lifetime—reversing time to ten years ago and just letting this embrace fill in all those wasted seconds.

But then she felt him pulling away first, and though she grasped onto him tighter for just a second—the fear gripping her heart being almost too real—she stepped away as well. She whispered a  _ goodnight _ while avoiding his eyes (she didn’t trust herself if she made eye contact with him), then made her exit.

Her heart pounded heavily with the weight of already missing his arms around her. She already knew that she was still as much in love with him as she was ten years ago.

* * *

_ To be continued... _


	8. J + S

* * *

 

When Sam got home, she was greeted with a scribbled note on a ripped sheet of notebook paper.

_‘I wanted to tell you that I have to go on a trip for a few days but you didn’t give me the chance. We will discuss this when I get back. –Liam’_

He must have really been mad at her if he opted for an old-fashioned note instead of simply sending her a text message. But if it was because he didn’t want her to respond, then she would respect that wish. She instead called her mom to tell her everything that happened during the last two days and that she was bringing Josh over tomorrow. Her mom was thrilled and promised she would do her best when Sam told her that she couldn’t tell him he was Josh.

“We have to act like I’m just bringing him to meet you for the first time,” Sam said.

Margaret laughed, “I’ll make sure to have a bag of frozen peas ready then.”

Sam laughed as well, remembering the day she first brought Josh home to her mother. She was in eighth grade, Josh was in ninth, and usually the only time they saw each other at school was during lunch and gym. But this day, she was heading to science class when she heard a lot of commotion in the hallway and saw a large group of teenagers creating a circle around two kids that were obviously fighting.

She was planning to ignore it like any other fight, but then she heard two older kids talking.

“My bet’s on Washington. He is _curr-azy!”_

“Nah, you see how puny he is? No way.”

This of course caught her attention, and she rushed to break through the crowd but got there a second too late. The principal was already in the center holding Josh and the other kid by the back of their shirts.

“Simons, I expected better of you! And _Washington,_ how many times do I—,” but before the principal could finish, Josh kicked the older man in the shins and sprinted toward the side doors that led out to the baseball fields.

All the kids in the hallway laughed and most of them took out their phones to film the event. Sam looked around at all the people that were constantly making fun of Josh for being different, wanting to do more than kick all of them in their shins. But, instead of getting herself in trouble, she snuck out the side doors as well, spotting Josh running underneath the bleachers.

She sucked in a deep breath and began walking. At this point, she had known Josh for about seven months but knew he had been suspended about three times in the last year, mostly from skipping detention. She was sometimes at his house when she heard his parents yelling at him. Though it was mostly, _“Stop being an embarrassment to this family!”_

Sam reached the bleachers, hugging her science book to her chest. She slipped under a seat, seeing Josh with his knees up to his chest and his face hidden.

“Are you okay?”

He looked up and the first and only thing she noticed was how swollen his right eye looked. It was definitely going to be black and blue in no time.

“What are you doing here?” He asked.

“I saw you run and got scared,” she answered shamelessly. She slid further underneath the bleachers until the seats were completely hiding them, “What happened?”

He sighed and hid his face in his arms again. Sam knew it was probably more to add pressure to his eye than of being ashamed, but she still felt her heart clench at the sight. That’s when she noticed that his knuckles also looked swollen and the skin scraped.

“I don’t wanna talk about it. All that matters is that my parents are going to kill me, bring me back to life to ground me for a year, then kill me again.”

Sam giggled at his dark works, “Well at least we know you’re able to be brought back from the dead.”

Josh didn’t respond though he peeked at her with his good eye.

“My mom’s a nurse,” she told him, “She should be home right now, I bet she can get the swelling in your eye to go down. I only live a few blocks from here.”

It took a little bit of persuading, but she eventually got Josh to walk home with her. Margaret was napping on the couch when they arrived since she just got done working the nightshift a few hours ago.

Margaret seemed a bit upset at first that Sam was not in school, but when Sam introduced Josh as Hannah’s brother who needed her help, Margaret put on her nurse face and focused on treating Josh’s black eye. She gave him a frozen bag of peas, but told Sam to hold it on his eye for him as she cleaned up his hands.

“So you’re the third Washington sibling I hear so much about, huh?” Was the first thing out of Margaret’s mouth as they all sat on the couch tending to Josh.

Sam’s eyes widened as she shot her mom a look to _not_ mention all the times Sam came home from Hannah’s and would talk nonstop about the new funny things Josh did.

Josh tried to look at Sam, but she pressed the peas harder to his eye, making him give a short _“ow!”_

“Sammy, be nice,” her mom chastised dismissively.

“Yeah, Sammy. _Rude!”_ Josh mimed, and though it made Sam want to press the peas even harder, she couldn’t hold back her smile knowing Josh was relaxing and hopefully not thinking about his parents killing and grounding him.

______________________________________________________________________________

Back in the present, Sam was thankful to get through the long Thursday at work and leave to go pick Josh up for their _social date_ with her mom. Josh was already sitting out on his apartment’s front steps when she pulled up. Seeing him sitting there so casually continued to make her heart pound. Every time she saw him again, all she wanted to do was run up to him and jump into his arms. Why couldn’t she just have _that…_

But still, him jumping to his feet the moment he saw her and sliding into her car, smiling hugely over at her as he asked _if she was up for a ride-along_ was earth shattering to her. It seemed like he had waited to see her all day, and his eyes lit up like a kids in a toy store upon seeing her.

She gripped the steering wheel and her face went numb from smiling uncontrollably. The last time Josh looked at her like that was the night he also became The Psycho. She tried so hard to ignore it, because she thought he had been ignoring her for months prior to that.

 _“It really means a lot to me that everyone came back this year and, you know, that_ you _came, Sam…”_

She had been so certain that he was flirting with her. And maybe they acted like that during their whole teenage years, but losing Beth and Hannah the year before really forced them to grow up. And realize how short life could be. And Josh seemed so focused and in control; she promised herself that, after her bath, she would stick by his side all night and finally, _finally_ confess her seven year crush on him.

Of course…things can just never go as planned…

But thankfully, _Josh_ was very talkative on the drive to Margaret’s house. He talked about the morning class he attended, a new course titled _“2025”_ that discussed how scientists were predicting the next big technology boom for the following year.

“It’s a great year to be turning thirty,” he told Sam, “The research shows that those of us born in the mid-to-late nineties are the most technologically advanced humans. We were born right when computers started to become the household norm, and were teenagers when the advancement accelerated. They say they might even be on the verge of inventing something that _delves_ into the minds of people with depression, or-or amnesia. They might be able to _project_ memories soon, isn’t that awesome, Sammy?”

Sam did a double-take, accidentally swerving a bit. _‘What did he just call me…?’_ But he didn’t even seem to notice he did it. He continued talking excitedly about his class and how it would really end up helping people in her profession.

Her heart beat hard the rest of the trip as she paid closer attention to what he referred to her as. But he didn’t call her anything. His slip was so natural that he didn’t even catch it.

They got to her mom’s house, and Josh suddenly seemed a bit nervous when he got out of the comfort of her car where it was just the two of them. She squeezed his arm and told him it would be fine. And then—of course, as soon as Margaret opened the door and took one look at Josh, tears glistened her wise and motherly eyes as she brought him down to her level for a tight embrace.

“Uhh…mom, this is— _Elliot,”_ she reminded her.

“Of course, of course,” Margaret said quickly, releasing him but then placing her small hands on his face to look at him. He almost flinched away knowing that his foggy eye might freak her out, but she just smiled through her tears and said, “So, _so_ handsome…!”

He chuckled nervously and glanced over to Sam who was shaking her head, but showing a huge smile that couldn’t be contained.

“I made coffee and crumb cake. Would you two like some?”

Margaret was already walking inside and to the kitchen before they could answer. Josh looked at Sam with big eyes, “She’s friendly…”

Sam laughed, “I told you,” she patted his cheek and plumped her lips teasingly, “Mr. Handsome.”

He just stared at her, and she realized she may have crossed a line neither of them were ready for. She was getting more comfortable around him, and he was with her too, and she slipping back into her old patterns with him. She cleared her throat and told him to come in, showing him to the kitchen where her mom already had the snacks set out.

“Sit down,” Margaret insisted, her hands fidgeting due to her excitement. Sam wanted to scold her mother for being so overzealous, but was actually feeding off of her happiness and good spirits. All three of them sat down, and Margaret only took a small sip of her coffee before talking, “So Elliot, what are the _best_ things going on in your life right now?”

He chuckled again, looking at the fresh coffee and cake in front of him as he thought about her question. Then, his eyes slowly roamed up until he met Sam’s gaze. His stare instantly told her that she was the answer. Her lips parted as she tried to catch her breath. She carefully looked over to her mom who was averting her eyes back and forth to the two of them.

“My daughter is a wonderful doctor, isn’t she?” Margaret asked gently.

Josh looked over to Margaret, but only for a second before focusing on his snacks again, “The best.”

Sam cleared her throat, “Uh, Elliot is taking a lot of college classes that he really likes.”

Margaret’s eyes lit up again, “Oh? What do you want to be?”

He shrugged, crumbling off a small piece of his cake, “I don’t really know yet. I don’t even know _who_ I am yet, let alone _what_ I want to be.”

She leaned forward, her eyes taking on a more serious look despite still being friendly, “This is what you do: You focus on those _best_ things in your life—focus on what makes you _passionate._ Follow those roads and you will discover who you are in no time.” She gave one hard nod, her smile widening, before she took a small bite of her cake and sip of coffee as though she didn’t just say anything that profound.

Sam smirked, “Stop it, Mom, you’re gonna make me seem like an amateur.”

Margaret laughed like Sam just told the best joke in the world, and waved her off like she was silly. Josh couldn’t help but laugh at how naturally silly Sam’s mom could be.

“ _Oh,_ Sammy, that reminds me. I was going through all those trunks in the attic and guess what I found? _Grandma Sarah’s wedding dress._ She was five foot even just like you, it should be a _perfect_ fit.”

Sam tried to force a smile, but it wasn’t working, “Thanks but…I’d rather not discuss my—.”

“You should go try it on. It’s on my bed,” she insisted.

Sam narrowed her eyes, starting to feel a bit flushed, “M-maybe next time, I mean…Elliot is here now…”

“Oh, I don’t mind waiting,” Josh chimed in, and she could see the teasing glint in his eyes as he decided to team up with her mother.

“I’ll keep him company as you change. It’s not one of those complicated dresses that take five people to help you put it in.”

“Sounds perfect for you,” Josh nodded.

Sam narrowed her eyes at the two of them, realizing that it was pointless to argue. She stood up and mouthed _I’m gonna get you for this_ to her mom but Margaret just sipped her coffee like she had no idea what she was talking about. So Sam turned to walk toward her mother’s bedroom, already hearing the murmurs from the kitchen as Margaret talked with Josh. It made her nervous. Not that she didn’t trust her mom, but because they were just on the topic of weddings and she didn’t want her telling him anything about hers…

Her mother was right—it was a simple but beautiful dress: a simple A-line Sweetheart Chiffon dress. The bodice was lace, and from mid-knee below it was silk. She felt like she should shower or do something to clean herself before putting it on but didn’t have time for all that. She slipped it on and, sure enough, perfect fit. But she didn’t even look at herself in the mirror, too scared of her reflection, before she walked back out into the kitchen.

Margaret was now sitting on Josh’s side of the table so they could look like spectators—or judges—as she rounded the corner.

Her mom placed her hands over her mouth at the sight of her daughter, but Sam’s focus was on Josh’s reaction. She wished she could look away as his eyes skimmed down the length of the dress before roaming back up to her face.

“So…what do you think?” She asked shyly, holding out her arms halfheartedly.

“Honey, you look…” her mother tried to find the right word but nothing was coming to mind.

 _“Wow,”_ Josh finally finished for her.

Margaret finally looked over to Josh and spotted his reaction. He was entranced. She grinned and looked to Sam, but Margaret’s smile slowly faded when she saw that Sam’s eyes were brimming with tears.

“Don’t cry,” Josh said quickly, standing up from his chair and going to her, “happy brides are the best. Did you look at yourself?” He grabbed her by the bare shoulders and moved her slightly to the left where there was a wall mirror, “You’re gonna be the most beautiful bride ever…I’m kinda jealous,” he chuckled, hoping to get her to laugh. It didn’t work, but she did look up into the mirror. Seeing him standing there beside her was more beautiful than any wedding dress could make her.

“Can you…can I just make one…little adjustment?” he asked cautiously, reaching his hands up. Sam nodded, so he reached into her hair and took out the clip that was holding her hair up. Her hair came tumbling down over her shoulders. Sam watched as his eyes stared at her through the mirror, completely hypnotized. Then he glanced over to her, looking away from the mirror, and he pushed her hair behind her right shoulder.

His fingers brushed her skin and her flesh instantly got tight. She backed away from him quickly, “It’s a great fit, Mom, thanks. Gonna change back into my clothes now.” She hurried back to her mom’s bedroom where she sat down on the bed before her legs collapsed from underneath her. She covered her mouth with her hands and held her breath. She had to come back down to earth. She had to remind herself _again_ that that was not quite Josh out there and that moment they just had was _not_ okay.

She released her breath after two minutes. Her lungs took in the fresh air and she was ready to go out and apologize for acting so weird. She got changed back into her work clothes and tried to pin her hair up again but then realized that Josh still had her hairclip. She went back to the kitchen but only spotted her mom cleaning up the table.

“Where is he?” Sam asked, suddenly terrified that he ran off and she’d never be able to find him.

But Margaret cocked her head toward the window, “He went outside for some air.” Sam nodded and turned to leave, but then her mom stopped her, “Sammy? I’m…sorry I made you try on that dress. I thought—maybe if Josh saw you, he’d just… _remember.”_

Sam smiled softly. Her mom could be such a hopeless romantic. Josh recovering his memories because he saw her in a wedding dress was as cheesy as an old Nicholas Sparks movie. But Allie hardly even remembered Noah—sometimes stories were sadder than real life. And Sam hoped she was living more than just a hopeless fairytale.

Sam stepped outside to the back porch and stood beside Josh at the top of the stairs. He was leaning against a beam staring out into the yard. Sam crossed her arms, “Sorry about how I acted just now…I guess we all have our demons…”

He didn’t even look over at her when he responded, “And your demon’s a wedding dress?”

She heard the hint of playfulness in his tone, though he was mostly serious. She sighed, “I mean, we all have uncertainties. That fear of the unknown…” Her eyes fell on the tree with J+S carved into the bark. Like it was pulling her in, she stepped off the porch and wandered over to the tree that knew her deepest secrets.

She remembered crying by this tree when she first found out that Josh started dating a girl. Amber Williams. She was pretty enough with her pale skin and violet hair—but she covered her whole body in black clothes that hung like a drape around her tiny body. Her lips were always covered in too much bright red lipstick, and she always swiped her tongue across her top teeth when talking to people. To put it simply, she thought she was a vampire.

Sam had thought the Twilight faze was dead, but apparently not to some people. Either way, Sam was a sixteen year old watching the boy she loved give attention to a vampire-wannabe. The first time Josh brought her to his house, Sam and Hannah were sitting in the kitchen doing homework. The couple walked in, Amber’s black nails running through Josh’s hair as she said, “Show me the place in which you dwell.” Tongue swipe. Teeth clench.

As soon as they disappeared up the stairs, Sam found enough energy inside of her to turn to Hannah and ask, “What the hell was that?”

Hannah only slowly shook her head, “I…have no…idea…” But then she turned to Sam, her eyes wide with excitement behind her glasses, “We _have_ to prank them! This moment is too good to pass up.”

Why were all her friends so into pulling pranks on each other? Sam only looked worried as Hannah went to the fridge and pulled out four eggs. She handed two to Sam who took them wearily.

“Hannah, I don’t think—.”

“Oh, C’mon, Sam…you know how many times Josh has egged us? And you remember that one egg that rolled under my bed and it made my room smell for like a _week?_ This is just payback.”

Sam sighed, watching as Hannah obviously went on a sibling revenge mission. They snuck upstairs and saw that Josh’s bedroom door was closed with Rob Zombie blasting through the walls. Sam’s heart was pounding to the beat of the music…she knew whatever was going on behind that door, she didn’t want to see. Yet she was secretly hoping that Josh was playing his own sick prank on them and him and that girl would end up scaring the shit out of them as soon as they opened the door.

But when Hannah cracked the door and they peeked in, Sam saw Josh laying on his bed with Amber straddling him, her hands running up and down his chest. Jealousy and anger flared in her within a second and she launched the eggs at them full force. She didn’t stick around to see where they landed, but Hannah told her later that they both landed right in Amber’s hair.

It was such a childish thing to do, and going home and sitting against the tree in her backyard with angry tears in her eyes also felt childish. But she didn’t know how Josh could give her _no_ warning on suddenly getting a—a _girlfriend,_ or whatever that girl was to him.

And she was hoping maybe it was going to just be some dumb fling, but next time the whole gang met up at the bowling alley, Josh brought Amber along.

Sam was glad she wasn’t the only one put off by her. Hannah and Beth seemed pretty much afraid to even talk to her, Ashley tried to maintain an air of niceness that Amber was not accepting of, and Jessica looked at her like she had a disease. Chris always gave Josh worried glances, Mike _tried_ to flirt with her on her emo level for the fun of it, but she took things too far, and she ended up hissing at Emily which only made Amber get bitch slapped and finally get some color to her cheeks.

Still, Sam couldn’t bring herself to be outwardly cruel toward Amber—it just wasn’t who she was. So she hid her distaste behind a tight smile and focused on bowling.

Josh ended up _dating_ her for two full weeks before Hannah told her that they broke up.

“What?” Sam breathed, her heart fluttering at the mere thought of Josh being single again.

“Yeah, I finally just told him that no one liked her, _especially_ you,” Hannah pointed to Sam, a victorious grin curving her lips.

Sam’s heart fell, “Wait, huh?”

“I mean, Josh values your opinion the most. So I knew as soon as I told him that you wanted them to break up...I guess he just did it.”

Sam narrowed her eyes as she wondered if she was happy or upset that Hannah kind of threw her under the bus. But was Josh upset? Did he actually _like_ that girl? They never seemed overly affectionate toward each other. The moments that Sam hated the most was when they disappeared inside his bedroom and blasted music she never even knew Josh actually liked.

Still, Sam didn’t want to get into a fight with Hannah, so she said she was going to head home for the night. It was eight o’clock on a school night anyway. But as soon as she walked outside to her car, she heard Josh call to her.

“Leaving so soon, Sammy?”

She turned around but didn’t see him.

“Up here.”

She looked up and squinted through the darkness, finally seeing his figure outlined on the flat roof on the second layer of the house. She could see the burning redness of a lit cigarette as he inhaled, “Don’t smoke, Josh. What are you doing?”

He looked at the drug in his hand before putting it out then flicking it off the back of the roof, “Yeah, was kinda around that shit for a few weeks.” Sam sighed and crossed her arms. Josh cocked his head up, “Care to come up and join me?”

Sam bit her lip and kicked some tiny pebbles with her shoe, “I dunno, I—.”

“C’mon, I wanna talk to you.”

She could never say no to him, especially when he said stuff like that, so she began her climb up the lattice and vines on the side of his house until she reached the drain pipe then pulled herself up.

“Impressive,” he complimented when she sat next to him.

She smirked over at him and wiggled her head in a proud way, “I know I am.”

He chuckled then wrapped an arm around her and brought her close to him. She would have normally basked in the joy of it, but she only scrunched her nose and said, “You smell bad.”

“Sorry, it’s…” he pulled his sweatshirt off, revealing his black t-shirt, and threw it to the ground then dug in his jeans pocket for a piece of gum, sliding it in his mouth, “it’s all the smoke.” He put his arm around her again and lowered his face close to hers, “Better?”

She gave a half-hearted shrug, making sure not to look him in the eye, “Not entirely.”

He laughed at her honesty and kissed the top of her head, “I missed you.”

“Yeah, well, _I was right here,”_ She said in a tone a bit too snotty and snappy.

“Don’t get curt with me, young lady. You know I don’t wanna send you to your room, but I will if I have to,” he said in his strictest voice.

She rolled her eyes but wanted to play along, yet the only thing that she could come up with was: “Yes, Daddy.”

 _“Whoa-ho-ho,_ do I suddenly have a naughty girl on my hands?” Josh teased, his fingers tip-toeing up her arm until she nudged him in his side.

“You’re so mean to me sometimes,” she stuck out her lower lip and wrapped her arms around her knees.

“And you’re so cute when you pout,” he commented. He pressed his forehead to her temple and out of the corner of her eye, she could see him pouting out his lower lip as well.

She closed her eyes and pressed against him. She turned her head slightly and she could feel his breath against her lips. She felt surprisingly calm despite knowing that if either one of them moved just a few inches they would be kissing.

“You’re cute when you’re jealous, too.”

She snapped her eyes open and leaned away, staring at him as though he told her he was having a baby, “W-what?”

He smirked, “C’mon, you don’t think I noticed? My Little Miss Sunshine became Miss Sad Face.”

Sam looked away from him, feeling a bit of anger rising in her, “Being sad is different than being jealous, Josh.”

His fingers gently yet firmly pressed to her chin as he made her look at him again, “I never wanted to make you sad, Sam.”

Her eyebrows furrowed but she saw the sincerity in his eyes. She began to feel a bit nervous because this was the closest she’d ever been to him when it was dark and just the two of them, so she said, “How do you kiss a vampire anyway?”

 _“Ha!”_ He unwrapped his arm from around her then leaned back on his elbows. She turned herself so she could look at him, “Believe me, it can get really bloody.”

She scrunched up her face, “Ew…”

“Tell me about it. I think I ended up with a bloody lip every time.”

She laughed despite herself, “Okay, I’m no expert, but that definitely doesn’t seem normal.”

His lips pursed together as he stared at her, and it was in the way that she knew he was thinking hard about something, “Come on—I’m sure cute little Samantha Jensen has to be somewhat of a kissing expert.”

She rolled her eyes at his humor, “Since when have you seen me with someone that I could be kissing, Josh?”

Josh’s face became smug as though he reached a genius conclusion, “You mean you’ve never been kissed?”

Her face heated up and she was thankful for the darkness so he couldn’t see her blushing furiously, “Yeah, so?”

“No—no, you don’t have to get defensive about it,” he told her, sitting himself upright again, “It’s good. I’m pretty sure ninety-five percent of the girls at our school have already done the _groin boing._ It’s refreshing to know you’re still one of the pure ones.”

“Oh my God, Josh…” she shook her head and looked toward the sky, wondering how the hell they came to this particular conversation. She was sure it was her fault.

Then, without warning, he cupped her face and brought his face close to hers. When their eyes met her mind began racing and then his lips met hers and her mind froze. It was soft, chaste, and she gripped his wrist that was close to her face as her stomach clenched, causing her to let out a surprised yet joyous murmur. She instinctively moved her lips gently against his, basking in the quiet sounds made between them.

Then he ended the kiss. But gave her another quick kiss. Then one more. He smiled, chuckling, kissed her hurriedly one more time, and then moved away from her, though her eyes practically begged him for more.

“I just _had_ to be the first to take some of your purity,” his voice was low, husky, teasing.

She folded in her lips, her whole mouth feeling numb and tingly, “You taste like an ashtray…”

He groaned, falling back onto the roof with his arms outspread like she shot him, “My fragile male ego has been killed!”

Sam breathed out her nose into a small laugh, her eyes still never losing their brightness despite her last comment. She laid down next to him, her head on his shoulder as she curled into his side. His arms came around her, his one hand finding the back of her head to massage her scalp.

“Just…don’t smoke anymore, okay?”

“Okay.”

* * *

Back in present day, Josh followed her out to the tree but didn’t seem to spot the initials yet, “So you’re saying you’re uncertain about getting married?”

“I guess everyone gets cold feet before their wedding. It’s the idea of being with that one person for the rest of your life…”

“Not really,” he said, shaking his head, “That’s why there’s divorce.”

Sam couldn’t help but crack a smile, “Most people don’t go into marriage reminding themselves that divorce is always still an option.”

“Well… _they should,”_ he argued, leaning against the tree, “’Cause if they go into a marriage believing they could potentially be unhappy with that person one day, which is what _cold feet_ is, then it would be a comfort knowing they can still escape to be happy again.”

She sighed in frustration, “So you’re saying you would marry a girl with the thought of possibly divorcing her someday?”

He shook his head, squinting his eyes a bit as he looked at her, “Nah, even if I had that thought once, I wouldn’t marry her at all.”

Her eyebrows furrowed and her eyes found the J+S again. Josh pushed himself from the tree to see what she was looking at. Then she watched, almost in slow motion, as his eyes darkened and he turned to her with a flash of recognition in those green eyes of his. She _saw it._ The _real_ Josh was looking at her. Her tongue pressed hard against the roof of her mouth as she got ready to say his name—

And then just like that, the look passed. He closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead.

“What was that…?” she asked breathlessly.

“I, uh—I dunno, I get these weird déjà vu moments. That one was…wow, felt like I lived it a hundred times. You ever get déjà vu?”

She blinked rapidly, searching his face, wishing she could just pull the mask from him to reveal the man that was hidden again, “Y-yeah…sometimes…”

“So…” Josh nodded to the initials, obviously wanting to change the subject, “Josh and Sam. You guys were a couple?”

“He…” her hands squeezed her arms tightly and it looked like she was hugging herself, “I guess you could say he was the one that got away…”

Josh stared at her. He switched his weight from one foot to the other, and he looked like he was a bit nervous about his next question, “Why are you even marrying Liam?” He went on quickly, knowing full well that he was probably overstepping his boundaries, “The way your eyes light up when you talk about Josh—there’s not…not even a small _glimmer_ when you talk about Liam. Or look at him.” He stepped closer to her and Sam looked up, her legs wanting to flee but her feet remaining firmly planted in their spot against her will, “Does he even know I’m here with you right now?”

She only slowly shook her head no.

He licked his lips quickly and she could tell he was building himself up to say more, “Is there…is there something going on…between us-cause I’m feeling some sort of connection here…”

Sam opened her mouth but nothing would come out. Her eyes blurred over and she didn’t know what to say that wouldn’t be both the full truth and a complete lie.

And Josh realized this and tried to explain, “I mean…I dunno, I know you’re my doctor and all, and we only just met but…but I’m…I’m _me w_ ith you, or at least the me I currently know—and-and maybe I _am_ bad at socializing and that’s why I’m—reading things wrong, but when you look at me… _you’re doing it now,_ you’re looking at me like you—.”

“Elliot.”

She stopped him in his ramblings. He was getting himself worked up like what happened in their second session except this one was about her personally and she just couldn’t handle that. She knew that he knew what he wanted to say and was only delaying it by stuttering and stumbling.

“Hey, you two,” Margaret called to then from the porch, holding up the game Say Anything, “Wanna play a board game?”

Sam smiled and nodded, “Coming, Mom.” She cocked her head toward the house at Josh, “Come on, let’s get back to this socializing experiment. Just don’t get upset when my mom wins every round.”

* * *

Dropping Josh back off at home was becoming a sad part of Sam’s day, but she was thankful she had the drive home to think. Being with her mom usually cleared Sam’s mind but being there today with Josh just seemed to confuse her more. Even still, it _wasn’t_ for nothing. She could have sworn he was beginning to remember. By the time she made it home, she had the wildest idea yet.

Before Sam could talk herself out of what she was about to do, she was already dialing the number into her cellphone. She needed help - she couldn’t make Josh remember who he was. He had to remember on his own… but the more time she was spending with him, the more he looked at her… like that… the more desperation she felt steadily growing in her. She had watched Josh fall in love with her when they were kids - she knew the signs. Josh was saying and doing the same things he had already done before, and he didn’t even know it.

In actuality, the thing Sam was most afraid of was that if he continued to do these things, she might not have the strength to fight him off.

“... _hello_?” the voice said on the other end. She cleared her throat, suddenly feeling the nervousness that was creeping up on her take hold of her body.

“Hey, Chris. It’s me, Sam,” she uttered. “Is this a bad time?”

“No, no, of course not. Just about to get Elizabeth to take a tubbie- _er… bath_. Get her bathed and ready for bed,” he corrected, and Sam scrunched her nose and wondered what other silly words and phrases the Bennet family had for mundane, everyday things. “Elizabeth Bennet, you better be brushing your teeth and not playing around in there when I come in!” Sam heard Chris call out away from the phone. “Sorry about that…” he grumbled. “What’s up? How are you doing?” he asked. Sam always appreciated how no matter how distracted or busy he might sound, Chris never gave her any indication that he would rather be doing anything other than talking to her.

“I’m assuming that Ashley was responsible for naming your daughter directly after a fictional character?” Sam noted; who was she kidding. Just by simply agreeing to marry Chris she knew that woman would get whatever she wanted for the rest of her life- he was utterly crazy about her.

“I mean, MY name got vetoed like, immediately,” Chris confessed. “I wanted to name her Linux-”

“Linux? That’s… _different_. Where’d you come up with that?”

“...It’s a computer operating system...” Chris said sheepishly. _Of course it is_. Sam chuckled lightly to herself, but mentally had to get herself back on track. She had something very important to discuss.

“Listen, I need to talk to you about something incredibly important, and I need you to have an open mind about this because I’m about to blow it.”

“Sounds juicy,” Chris bit. Sam sighed, she needed to just spit it out, like pulling off a bandaid. She lowered her forehead into her palm, and she knew he was never going to believe her until he saw Josh with his own eyes. “Spill, Jensen.”

“Okay… but you gotta promise not to freak out, okay?”

* * *

_To Be Continued..._


	9. New Old Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n from Mogitz: There have been a lot of amazing songs that have influenced this fic… but if you get a chance, definitely listen to Stars by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals.
> 
> Also, WOW thank you SO much for your amazing reviews!! Seriously guys, you’re the best readers we could ask for. Glad you’re enjoying this as much as we are loving to write it.

 

* * *

 

Sam’s hands gripped the steering wheel as she tried to focus on the road. When she’d told Chris that Josh was very much alive, he started to laugh at her. When Sam told him she wasn’t joking, he got kinda mad - told her it was all in her head and he said this wasn’t funny. Sam explained that he needed to see it to believe it. 

So, she invited herself over to his house. 

Sam knew that the skeptical part of Chris was just him trying to protect his own heart - and Sam understood. She had spent countless hours since the day she’d seen Josh in the street trying to convince herself that it wasn’t him because getting her hopes up and being wrong would have killed her.

But it  _ was _ him. By some grace of God, Josh was alive and sitting beside her in the passenger seat. Once again she’d managed to convince him to come with her as a controlled social anxiety exercise, and he’d been more than happy to go - Sam had kind of figured he’d want to go. And after the way he was at her mother’s the night before, Sam was more determined than ever to help Josh remember who he was.

As she drove the two of them westward toward Santa Monica, Sam couldn’t help but let her mind wander, sifting through her millions of fragments of memories she had stored in the deepest parts of her heart. Some were good; smiles and soft touches, whispers in the wee hours of morning when Hannah and Beth were asleep and some obscure movie lit up the movie room as the background noise for Josh and Sam’s seemingly endless conversations. Some weren’t as sweet. She tried to remember one of the last times she had actually  _ seen _ Ashley and Chris, aside from the very rare and awkward run ins at a coffee shop or the grocery store. 

Then, like the flickering reel of a movie, she remembered as though she was seeing it unfold in the windshield before her. 

After Josh’s funeral, Sam had tried to keep busy. 

“ _ I’m fine _ .” 

She’d said it so many times that she almost believed it... but there was no escaping the deep pit of sorrow welling up just under her surface. Until one day while sitting in a psychology lecture Sam simply stood up and walked out, taking an unexpected hiatus from the University and showing up at her mom’s house in the middle of the night. Margaret awoke the next morning to find Sam’s belongings dumped in a large heap in the living room. She wordlessly walked down the long length of the hallway to find her only child, curled up under the mound of blankets in her childhood bed. Margaret never questioned her, never scolded her for finally realizing that she needed time to mourn. 

Her usually happy, plucky daughter stayed in that bed for four days, getting up only to use the bathroom and let her mom know she wasn’t hungry. By day five, Margaret began to worry that Sam was going to starve to death. After some gentle coaxing, she finally got her to choke down a protein shake and get into the shower,  _ finally _ .

Sam didn’t even recognize herself when she looked in the mirror - her eyes dull and sunken in, her cheekbones and collarbone more prominent than she’d ever seen them. She suddenly understood why Margaret was so worried; she hated making her mom feel that way... but that fact just made her feel even worse, not being able to heal quicker. If she had any power within her to pull herself from her grief, she would have done  _ anything. _

Sam’s venture from her bedroom was short-lived before she found herself back in the cocoon she’d fashioned together on her bed. 

“Don’t you want to give your friends a call? I think you would feel better if you saw them-” Margaret said in hopes that her daughter might actually listen to her. Sam was laying down, her phone in her hand as she listened to Josh’s voicemail for the millionth time.

“Hello, if you're hearing this, that means I'm probably trying to avoid you, so don't leave a message, 'cause nobody likes you.”

It wasn’t the sweetest thing in the world but… it was his voice. And given the fact that she didn’t have the courage to watch his videos just yet, it would have to do.

Margaret slowly crossed the room and sat beside her on the bed, gently stroking Sam’s air-dried, frizzy blonde hair. She didn’t have to look at Margaret’s face to know her mother’s heart ached for her. She reached for Sam’s chin, turning her face to hers. “Sammy, baby… I know you’re hurting. I wish I could do something to make it better…” she said with tears in her eyes. She took in ragged breath, choking back a sob. “It’s my job to heal people,” she said, bowing and shaking her head sadly. “I don’t know how to heal a broken heart.” Sam’s lips parted to comfort her mother, and it felt like she hadn’t opened her mouth in years. Her lips were dry, her tongue felt foreign in her own mouth. She couldn’t say anything, just reached up and pulled Margaret in for a tight embrace.

“I love you, mom,” she whispered.

The next day was when Chris and Ashley showed up. Margaret didn’t give Sam any warning - she knew Sam would have refused to see them if she knew they were coming. When they walked in, Sam was curled up on her bed as  _ Stars _ by Grace Potter played. Sam had it on repeat for days - Margaret knew every word at this point.

 

_ “I lit a fire with the love you left behind, It burned bright and crept up the mountainside…I followed your ashes into outer space, I can’t look out the window, I can’t look at this place.” _

 

Sam sat cross-legged, her laptop on her legs as she mindlessly clicked through picture after picture of Josh’s Facebook when Chris and Ashley poked their heads into Sam’s room. She flinched a bit, slightly embarrassed for them to see her in such a weak state. Sam was supposed to be the strong one, right? The  _ brave  _ one. She’d battled supernatural monsters but couldn’t even conquer her own grief.

“Hey stranger,” Ashley greeted sweetly, nearing Sam and sitting gingerly on the end of Sam’s bed. She tucked her auburn hair behind her ear, apprehensively. “How are you doing?” Sam hated that tone;  _ pity. _ She knew they only cared, and she still felt so broken and shameful, hiding away like this. She offered Ashley a tiny shrug, but no words would come out of her mouth to answer.  _ I feel like my own life was snuffed out along with his,  _ she wanted to say.

“There’s a party tonight,” Chris said, his voice suggestive, as though it might be tempting to her. Sam was already forming the ‘ _ No _ ’ with her lips when Chris cut her off, “You gotta get outta bed, Sam. If Josh were here-”

“But he’s not, is he Chris?” Sam replied darkly. Ashley and Chris shared a brief look and Sam knew what they were thinking; that they’d never seen her like this before. Sam had never seen herself like this before either.

“Everyone misses you,” Chris added, nearing her slowly. “They want to know where you are…” Sam sighed; there was a part of her deep down inside that wanted to be freed from her angst. She missed them, too. She missed being happy. But here she was, trapped inside the prison of her own misery.

Her ears caught the chorus of her song, still softly playing in the background.

_ “I can’t look at the stars, they make me wonder where you are. Stars, up on heaven’s boulevard and if I know you at all, I know you’ve gone too far. So I… I can’t look at the stars.” _

“Sam, you can’t hide away forever,” Chris said, his tone becoming a little more stern. 

“I know that!” Sam finally snapped. She fell back on her bed as though she had been shot down, pulling a pillow up onto her face. Ashley crawled up the bed, straddling Sam as she yanked the pillow from her.

“We’re here because we love you!” She practically shouted, her cheeks pink. Ashley clearly wasn’t very used to offering up sympathy. Sam felt the first smile she’d had in what felt like forever creep across her face as her eyes flitted from Chris’ face to Ashley’s. Although she hadn’t realized it right away, she was happy they came. It  _ did _ feel good to see them. Chris sat beside her, his eyes diverting over to the laptop where a smiling picture of he and Josh was taking up the whole screen. Sam wanted to jump up and close it, but the damage had already been done. Sam watched him swallow hard, before he turned back to her, trying to stay strong. 

“Just come, okay? And if you want to go home, we’ll take you the second you let us know.”

* * *

“I think we just passed it,” Josh said beside her in the car, snapping her away from her memory. She cleared her throat and nodded, forcing a smile in his direction and once their eyes met, she remembered that those days of grief were truly behind her because he was really here now (no matter what state he was in).

Sam flipped the car around, “Sorry, got distracted,” she uttered.

She pulled up to the curb of the huge, Santa Monica home. Chris had put the Washington’s hush money to good use - a full ride to MIT to receive his Masters in Computer Science and Technology. With the globalization of a popular app he created, he was able to create his own startup app company, which was doing incredibly well. Needless to say, Chris ended up doing mighty fine, in all aspects of his life. In fact, for a long time Sam held some slight resentment towards him for being capable of going off and living such a fabulous life with that money, but over time grew to realize that people are people and have a right to want to be happy.

They were barely parked there a moment before Chris’ door opened and he peered outside. For someone so skeptical, he sure was eager. Sam jumped from her car and ran ahead, greeting Chris with a big hug before Josh could even make it out of the car. “Remember, don’t say anything about him being Josh… he doesn’t remember us,” she whispered quietly. He pulled away and gave her a slight eye roll, which was more big-brotherly than agitated. 

“How  _ convenient _ ,” he joked with narrowing eyes. But as he turned out to face Josh walking up his path, his smart-ass smile fell instantly and his face went white as though he was seeing a ghost… in a way he was. 

Sam glanced at him, a bit of smugness in her face. Chris’ jaw fell farther open the closer Josh got, hoodie up and hands smashed into his pockets. Sam had to remind Chris to close his mouth before Josh saw and became totally weirded out - this was a weird enough situation as it was.

“Elliot, this is Chris. Chris, this is  _ Elliot, _ ” Sam said, her voice drawing out the sound of his name, both a reminder to herself and Chris not to mess it up tonight. Chris swallowed hard before plastering a big smile on his face, extending his hand out to Josh, who still looked pretty uncomfortable despite the politeness.

“Hi… uh.  _ Elliot _ . It’s nice to meet you,” Chris said, and now his smile had shifted from happy to deliriously odd, and Sam could see the confusion on Josh’s face. She chuckled as he took Chris’ hand awkwardly.

“Nice to meet you too... ” If only Josh could remember how inseparable the two had been for most of their young lives: hosting weekend games of Capture the Flag or Ghost in the Graveyard, being the first to initiate water balloon/hose fights, filling Hannah’s bed with plastic toy spiders so when she pulled down her covers they flew everywhere… these two had wreaked havoc like none other… and here they were as though they’d never even met. In a way, it was like they hadn’t.

Before Sam thought the situation could get any weirder, the front door flew open and a half-naked little four year old with fairy wings went shooting out onto the porch, a sea of giggles, as a very pregnant Ashley lunged forward and caught her by the torso before she stepped off the porch. Josh jumped back out of the way as Ash struggled with the little strawberry blonde with painted red lips.

“ _ Elizabeth Marie Bennet _ you get back here,” Ashley scolded, picking up the kicking, squealing child and trying to wipe her face with wet cloth. Chris turned, dad mode initiated as he leaned down to help aid his wife in the struggle. 

“Is that blood?” Chris worried, unable to mask the terror on his face. Ashley let out a quick burst of laughter, finally getting the child to still long enough to wipe her face.

“No,  _ your _ daughter just got into the popsicles! Before dinner!” Ashley grunted, letting Elizabeth loose, where she ran back into the house laughing maniacally. “Go to your room!” she called out after the demon child. She turned towards them, rubbing her belly and catching her breath. 

“How come when she’s bad she’s  _ my _ child?” Chris asked, teasingly. Ashley’s eyes widened when she finally saw Josh, staring on from beside Sam. 

“ _ Whoa _ ,” Ashley breathed, her face incapable of ever hiding what she was thinking, always so full of life and expression. “He looks just like him,” she whispered, as though Josh were deaf and not just suffering from memory retention. Sam shot Chris a glare, who clearly hadn’t briefed Ashely on the fact that they were being inconspicuous about this situation. She looked between Sam and Chris before she put on a smile as well. 

“Ashley, this is  _ Elliot _ ,” Sam emphasized, and Ashley nodded, her face registering the memo.  

“Right, hi, welcome,” She greeted, her eyes instantly welling with tears. Sam had no idea what Ashley was thinking - the last time she’d seen Josh was such a horrible experience for her. Sam realized that Ashley hadn’t seen Josh since Mike and Chris carried him out to the shed… right after he’d placed her in the second horrible, tormenting situation of that night. Even still, Ashley looked like she might be trying to keep herself from hugging him - Sam wondered if it was the maternal instinct in her now. “I need to go make sure Lizzie isn’t into the popsicles again,” she said quickly, trying to keep her voice even before she turned and hurried into the house. Sam was certain that Ashley was holding back tears.

“I should probably check on her,” Chris said, “come inside guys.” He gestured towards the door with his hand and Sam let Josh enter first, tailing back with Chris a little bit. 

“You alright?” she said quietly, slowly towards Chris. “Still think it’s in my head?” Chris shook his head in a daze, and she wasn’t sure which question he was answering.

The house was huge, and it looked like it might have been nicely decorated before, but was now a place that their four year old had laid claim and they were too exhausted to try to take it back. Toys were strewn about in the living room, and crayon marks on their dining room table went from paper to wood in a flash. It was still a lovely, clean house, but just from their entry way, where Lizzie’s art was lovingly on display, tacked to the walls in various spots, her little rain boots covered in mud on the floor, and a sticky handprint by the coat rack,  Sam could tell just what kind of house this was -  _ a house built on love _ . 

The long hallway opened up to a sitting room with an open kitchen. The TV in the sitting room was blaring some unrecognizable children's cartoon and Lizzie was now jumping from the couch to the ottoman and back again, a mess of hair and limbs, singing the theme song at the top of her lungs. Sam tried to hold back her laughter as she watched Chris attempt to reign the small child in again, Josh leering on in horror. Clearly, Josh was not used to being around kids too often. 

“Liz,  _ no _ jumping,” Ashley called out over her shoulder, a bit frazzled as she tended to the various pots cooking on her giant stovetop. Chris scooped Liz up under his arm before plopping her down in a reclining chair and handing her a tablet. She gazed up at Chris with a look of disatisfaction. 

“Quiet time?” she asked in a pout, and Sam could see from his exhausted face that this might be his only means of quieting the demon. 

“Quiet time,” Chris nodded with a sigh, ruffling her hair a bit. 

“ _ Again? _ !” her tiny voice chimed, her bottom lip sticking out in a pout. Sam stifled another chuckle - this kid certainly knew how to work her parents over. Elizabeth’s eyes scanned the room at the new faces, as though she hadn’t noticed them before. “Who’s them?” she asked, pointing her sticky little finger out in a general direction. 

“ _ They... _ are our friends, sweetie. Sam and…  _ Elliot _ ,” Chris said, slowing at the end of his sentence as to keep from slipping up. Sam and Chris’ eyes met, a mental high-five exchanged between the two of them. 

“Sam is a  _ boy’s _ name,” the little girl sassed, which was promptly ignored by the rest of them. 

“Can I get you guys a drink? I’ve got...” Chris walked over to the fridge, pulling it open and scanning the contents. “... _ milk _ …” he finally said after a moment. He reached into the cooler and pulled out a silver package, extending it out towards them, jokingly. “Capri-sun?” Ashley turned, giggling as she wiped her hands on her kitchen towel. 

“The beer and more  _ adult  _ choices are in the garage fridge.” 

“I don’t know anything about this place,” Chris sighed in mock disappointment, swinging the fridge door shut. He pointed towards Josh. “Beer?” 

“Yeah, that’d be great,” Josh nodded, and Sam jumped towards Chris. 

“I’ll go with you,” she offered quickly. She glanced back at a terrified Josh, her hand up towards him as if to tell him to stay. “I’ll be right back,” she promised before following Chris out into the garage. The door had barely shut behind them before Sam grabbed ahold of Chris’ sleeve and started jumping up and down like she was possessed by a 6-year-old. “ _ ItoldyouItoldyouItoldyou _ !” But when she saw the glistening in Chris’ eyes, she stopped, a look of concern washing over her. Chris was trying to keep it together. “Chris are you alright?” He nodded, his face red, before he stopped and shook his head instead. 

“It’s him,” he choked, trying his best to keep from breaking down, but by the time Sam had pulled him in for a hug he’d lost it, a sob erupting from his chest. And he cried. Sam didn’t blame him. His best friend he’d mourned for years was essentially back from the dead, and Chris never would have believed it had he not just seen him with his own eyes. “He’s here. He’s  _ alive _ .”

“I know,” Sam whispered, rubbing his back. 

“How can he not remember us?” he asked, rubbing his eyes under his glasses. “How is this even possible? We went to his funeral.” The brief breakdown passed and Chris reached inside of the garage refrigerator to pull out a few beers. Sam leaned against the garage door. 

“I guess… Bob and Melinda sent him to a care facility in Switzerland. He doesn’t remember anything before that… probably something that happened in the mines caused him to lose any memories beforehand.”

“I wish  _ I  _ could forget what was in those mines,” Chris said, sniffing back a residual sob and shaking his head. 

“I brought him here because I hoped that being around some of us might trigger something.”

“Does it work like that?” Sam folded her arms over her chest and gave an unsure shrug. 

“I...I don’t know, there aren’t too many studies on it as of yet.” Chris popped one of the beers open, taking a huge swig before looking around on top of the refrigerator for something. After a little bit of rooting around with his arm, he pulled down a dusty old bottle of rum. 

“Might need something a little stronger before I go back in there,” he confessed, spinning the lid off the top. He took a swig of that as well, almost retching afterward - it probably didn’t help that it was warm. Sam smirked before she reached out and took the bottle, throwing back a big shot of courage herself. This was going to be an interesting night. “So… what do we do?” Chris asked once he’d washed the aftertaste of the rum down with a little bit more beer. Sam gave a another shrug.

“I mean… just try to act normal. Engage him. It’s really weird, sometimes he’ll say stuff that he’s said before, you know, back when he was Josh. And he doesn’t even know it.”

“This is _ too _ freaking bizarre,” Chris said, shaking his head again before another gulp of rum. He paused for a moment, his brows lowering into a look of contemplation. “And… we’re sure this isn’t some elaborate scheme, right?” Sam let out a loud, ‘Ha!’

“With Josh? I guess that’s always a possibility,” she admitted, another sip of rum closing her sentence. She shook her head. “But no. It’s definitely legit.” The door to the garage swung open and a wide-eyed, scatterbrained Ashley appeared.

“Chris? A little help in here? And I believe that Elizabeth is bothering Jo- uh… our  _ guest _ ,” she said, giving a nod back towards the sitting room before disappearing again. Chris let out an audible sigh.

“You want to take a four year old home with you?” 

“I’m good,” Sam smiled a toothless grin. Chris walked by her, nearing the garage door.

“Worth a shot,” he breathed. 

When they entered the living room, the first thing Sam noticed was a very still Josh sitting on the couch with the wild-haired, still only partially clothed little girl sitting right next to him. She was showing him her tablet, and he was just watching her so intently. Sam felt a smile creep onto her lips that only grew when Josh’s eyes met hers, a look of ‘save me’ peering back at her through them. 

“...and  _ then _ you cut it in half,” Lizzie instructed, swiping her finger across the greasy, fingerprint-riddled glass screen of her tablet. Sam could hear a slicing noise, and as she neared them she saw that the small child was attempting to teach Josh how to play some kind of fruit-cutting game. “Now  _ you _ do it,” her tiny voice ordered bossily, and she looked up at him with expectation and seriousness in her little eyes. She was the spitting image of Ashley, little round pink nose and all. Josh obligingly brought his finger up, dragging it across the screen. There was a slicing sound and a loud  _ dingggg _ on the game, and Elizabeth broke out into giggles. “Good job, Elliot!” she praised happily, reaching her little hand up to pat him on the bicep. “You  _ did _ it!”

Sam neared the two, bending down towards Elizabeth with her hands on her knees.

“Whatcha playing?” Sam inquired, but Lizzie wasn’t too interested in  _ her _ . She snuggled up even closer to Josh, peering back at Sam wordlessly from behind his arm. Sam chuckled, standing up straight with her hands on her hips, her eyes flitting over to Josh’s confused but intrigued face. “I think  _ someone _ has a little crush,” she noted with a wink in his direction, to which Josh slightly blushed. “Lizzie, do you mind if I borrow your friend for just a  _ little _ bit?” Sam pleaded. Lizzie looked up at Josh, then back at Sam disappointedly. “I promise I’ll bring him back,” Sam offered, much to Josh’s dismay. Liz blinked a few times before she simply nodded her head. Josh jumped up energetically, freed from his little prisoner for at least a little while.

“Hurry  _ baaaack _ ,” Elizabeth sang eerily, her attention diverted back to the chopping game. Josh and Sam stepped away and he let out the breath he’d been holding. 

“Not too comfortable around kids?” Sam laughed, handing him a beer. He took a big gulp, shaking his head. 

“No, kids are great… I guess just not a whole lot of experience with them,” he corrected. 

“Well, she seems to  _ looooove _ you,” Sam teased. They walked together towards the kitchen, where now Chris was slaving away just as much as Ashley to finish dinner. Chris threw a few processed chicken nuggets onto a pink, plastic plate and shoved them into the microwave. He turned to see Josh and Sam eyeing him. He pointed two fingers at the two of them, leering at them over his black-framed glasses. 

“I am  _ not _ going to fight with her tonight. It’s  _ literally _ the only thing she’ll eat - you two aren’t allowed to judge me until you have kids of your own,” Chris shot, slightly defensive in his humor. Sam felt Josh’s arm drape around her shoulder, pulling her close to him.

“Oh, no way.  _ We _ plan on our children being strictly vegan, right Sammy?” he joked, giving Sam a trademark, sideways grin. Chris’ eyes widened at the pair, and Sam wanted to blurt, ‘this is what I’m talking about!’ because for that very brief moment, ‘ _ Elliot’  _ was  _ all _ Josh. He dropped his arm, looking a little bit dazed before excusing himself to the bathroom. Once he was out of earshot, Ashley, Chris and Sam reconvened into a small group in the kitchen, whispering to one another.

“What the hell was what?” Chris asked, gesturing towards the closed bathroom door. 

“I know! That’s what I’m saying-” Sam tried.

“He said that before, I know it!” Chris declared, “back when we were kids!”

“I know!” Sam groaned.

“And he doesn’t remember  _ anything _ at all?” Ashley weighed in.

“Wait...he  _ knows _ you’re engaged, right?” Chris followed up. Sam began to flush, feeling overwhelmed by their questioning.

“N-no, and yes! But-” Sam began to stammer, the three dispersing at the sound of the bathroom door opening. “Do.. uh… do you guys need any help?” Sam asked as Josh reentered the room, the three of them trying to seem as natural as possible. Ashley laughed and gave a wave of her hand.

“ _ What! _ Puh- _ lease _ !” she tutted, stirring the pot with a wooden spoon. “You’re our guests! You two just enjoy yourselves; go check out the beach!” she suggested, gesturing towards their back patio door that opened up to a big, fading sunset. It was early November, so it was still warm in Santa Monica, but the nights were coming earlier and earlier now. Josh and Sam turned to each other and shrugged, why not?

“I wanna go!” Elizabeth yelled, jumping up and onto the back of the couch, nearly toppling over onto the hardwood floor. The four adults lunged forward to catch her, but it was Josh who kept her from colliding with the floor. He gently set the little girl onto the floor who instantly took off running towards her room.

“Nice save, bro,” Chris complimented with a high-five, which Josh caught just in time as well - Bro instinct. Sam couldn't help but instantly flash back to one of the million times Chris and Josh high-fived over some ridiculous feat, usually involving girls or video games. 

“Elizabeth, you’re not going on the beach! It’s getting dark and it’s almost dinner time!” Ashley yelled up the stairs, and a loud, ear-piercing screech echoed down from upstairs, along with loud, wailing sobs as Elizabeth began to throw a tantrum. “Ohhh, here we go,” Ashley smirked, shaking her head. “Your turn, Chris. I’m always the  _ bad guy _ .” Chris turned towards Josh and Sam.

“Go, before it’s too late!” he jokingly shouted, pushing them towards the door. They laughed as they watched Chris turn, his head rolling back with an exhausted sigh to tend to his crying daughter. Sam and Josh turned, closing the patio door behind them and venturing off towards the ocean.

“How does he have the energy?” Josh mused, shaking his head.

“I don’t think he does,” Sam laughed, the two of them falling into a brief silence as they took in the vast, seemingly eternal horizon of the beach, the sun seeming to set fast upon them. The red had folded into more of a purplish hue, painting everything around them in its iridescent, blue light. 

Sam couldn’t help but remember the last time she was on a beach like this with Josh, that time they’d all gone off for a beach weekend and Josh had let her lean her head on him the whole way home. It was the last thing they all got to do together before they started filtering out to start college, while some of them were left behind. It had pretty much been a typical, Washington-hosted weekend-long bender, but Josh and Sam spent as much of the last days together that they could. With everyone preoccupied with the drinking and the partying, Sam and Josh had time to sneak off to be alone a lot, talking and laughing and drinking under the stars... and trying in vain to pretend that Sunday wasn’t coming. 

That he wasn’t really leaving.

No, they’d never gone as far as becoming boyfriend and girlfriend - that never bothered Sam. She didn’t need a label… what they were was so much more than something that could be summed up in one word, anyway. Sam liked it better that way.

“But… what if your forget about me?” Sam had whined, digging her toes deeply into the sand. She was trying her best to come across as joking, but Josh knew better. He chuckled lowly before his hand reached up and took ahold of her head, bringing it towards him as he pressed a kiss into her hair. 

“ _ What _ ? Forget about Samantha Jensen?  _ Never _ ,” he winked. He leaned in closely, his mouth near her ear. “You’re  _ kinda _ unforgettable.” Sam felt the air in her lungs deplete, her heart in her throat as she used every bit of internal strength not to grab ahold of him and kiss him with every atom in her body that didn’t want him to go. His face nestled into the crook of her neck and she pressed her cheek against the top of his head, watching the waves crash along the white sand in the dark. 

“What if… you meet someone and you fall in love,” Sam added, unable to hide the melancholy in her voice this time. She felt him press his lips against the skin of her neck without kissing, just resting there a moment before he pulled away. Her head was dizzy from the wine coolers, and his speech was slurred from the tequila as he said, “You worry too much, you know that?” He poked her a few times in the side as he teasingly sang Elvis Costello’s ‘Allison’ (which had played on an oldies station hours earlier), although he’d ‘cleverly’ changed the lyrics to ‘ _ Aaaaaalllli-Sam. I know this world’s been killin’ you. Oh, Aaaaaaalllli-Sam. My aim is true. _ ’ Sam giggled as the poking had shifted into tickling, and before she could stop herself from flailing she fell back into the sand, writhing and stretching her body to get away from him, but never trying  _ too _ hard. 

“You’re the biggest fool I know,” she said after he ceased. He laid beside her, propping up his head with his elbow. 

“Why, thanks. And you’re the prettiest girl I know,” he said coolly. Sam felt her cheeks flush as she bit her lip and tried not to notice the weight of his hand resting casually on her stomach, right above her bellybutton. She wondered if he knew what he was doing to her without doing anything at all. She stared at him through heavily lidded eyes, feeling warm and loose from the booze… like she might be able to actually tell him what he meant to her. Although she was certain that he knew (he  _ had _ to know), they’d never said it before. 

“Get outta town,” she finally said, waving a cavalier hand in his direction. They sat in silence for a moment, sandwiched between the sounds of the party raging on in the beachhouse behind them and the waves in front of them. “Hey, Josh?” she finally said, and his eyes lazily found hers again. “Don’t… don’t become one of those lame frat guys when you get there, okay?” she asked, gently fidgeting with the zipper on his hoodie. He held up two fingers together.

“Scout’s honor,” he swore. Sam giggled again. “Are you gonna let all those senior boys that like you have a shot now that I’m old news?” he teased, but she could see a hint of insecurity behind his eyes. She wetted her dry lips, shaking her head slowly. That had never even crossed her mind. Truth was, there  _ were  _ no other boys in her mind. In fact, she was quite certain in her 17-year-old brain that there  _ never would _ be. All her life… Josh had been it.

“You’ll visit, right?” her voice cracked as she tried her best to hold back tears. Josh laughed softly.

“Well, I  _ do _ have family here…” he teased, reaching over and tracing his finger from between her eyebrows to the tip of her nose, then back. “...and of course I’ll come back to see you,” he promised, a bit more somberly. 

Sam smiled big, rolling over and burying her face in his chest, wrapping her arms around him, “Good. Because I’m gonna miss you.” She relaxed as she felt his arms wrap around her tightly, she could feel his breath permeating through the hair on the top of her head.

“I’m gonna miss you too, kid.” 

The day he left for college was one of the hardest days Sam had ever had… and no one even knew it. She had gotten stuck at every red light, then at a railroad as a freight train ran by endlessly, ten minutes  _ after _ Josh was set to leave. She sped all the way to the Washington’s house, her stomach sick with fear that she’d missed him. She’d tried to call him, even left him a voicemail to wait. That she’d be there. 

Her heart hurt in her chest as she pulled up to the Washington’s to see that his Mustang was already gone.

“You literally just missed him,” Hannah had said, running out to Sam’s car and leaning in through the window. “He had to get on the road before traffic got bad,” she added sadly. She reached in through Sam’s window, placing her hand on her shoulder comfortingly. “He’ll be back for Thanksgiving,” she offered. Sam smiled, even though she wanted nothing more than to cry. 

“Yeah…” she said quietly, a shrug on her shoulders. “I’ll see him then.” Hannah knew. Sam could see it in her eyes that maybe Hannah always knew, even if Sam thought that she’d been subtle. 

“You wanna come inside? We can make popcorn and watch a movie,” Hannah suggested optimistically, but Sam didn’t feel like being around people. 

“No… it’s okay. I think I’m just gonna go home and get some sleep,” Sam said, trying her best not to let her sadness show on her face. Hannah leaned in and gave her best friend a hug, letting her know the offer stood if she changed her mind, before retreating back inside. 

Sam sat in that driveway for a few moments too long, and before she knew it the tears were streaming down her face. She leaned her head down on her steering wheel as the sobs came, even though she tried so hard to stifle them. 

He was gone and she never even got to say goodbye.

Until she heard it: the unmistakable sound of his mustang coming back down her way. 

Josh peeled in beside her, hopping out of his car with it still running, jogging up to her window. Sam tried to wipe away the tears before he saw. 

“Josh, what are you-” her words were cut short as he practically jumped through her window, taking her face in his hands and kissing her passionately, deeply. She had forgotten how familiar and wonderful his lips felt against hers as her mouth parted, allowing his tongue to slip inside. This wasn’t like their first kiss.. this was different. She reached up and gripped onto his arms, desperately taking that kiss from him; she wanted nothing more. Her head felt dizzy and her heart was beating rapidly. He pulled away a bit, breaking the kiss, but then leaned back in again, this time more softly, more lovingly. Sam liked this one even more, her eyes fluttering closed as she tried to freeze this moment in her memory; the way he felt and tasted, the way their lips moved together in perfect unity. She never wanted this moment to end. When they parted, he pressed his forehead to hers, his hands sliding to the back of her neck as he stared into her eyes. 

“I got your message,” he said, and she was kind of surprised that was the first thing he said after such an amazing kiss. 

“I just… I wanted to say goodbye,” she said quietly, closing her eyes as her lips pushed towards his but didn’t meet, begging for more. 

“It’s never goodbye,” he said simply, and her eyes opened to see Josh in rare seriousness. He allowed their lips to meet once more, fleetingly, before letting go of her entirely. Sam found herself still reaching out towards him, the space between them feeling so vast and empty. He sighed as he took a big step back away from her car, bringing his hands up behind his head. He looked back at his mustang, then at Sam again. She could see the conflict in his eyes. “Don’t look at me like that,” he groaned painfully, dropping his hand and even though he was trying to come across as playful, she could still pick out the frustration. She wasn’t aware she was looking at him any particular away. He leaned down now, his hands on his knees so he was eye level with her. “Sammy, if I don’t go now, I will never go,” he confessed in a low drone. He didn’t have to say it was because he didn’t want to leave her. She knew. There were a lot of things that were said between them without saying anything at all. 

“Go,” Sam choked, giving him permission that took every ounce of internal strength to sound confident. “Go kick ass in college. I’ll be there in a year. Save me a seat,” she smirked. He nodded, a grin growing on his face as well. He began to walk back towards his car, but suddenly turned back towards her.

“Sammy?” he called out. She glanced back at him. “Can we like… have one of those deals where like… if neither of us are married by the time we’re 30-”

“Yes,” Sam blurted out quickly, followed by a giggle. She knew where that sentence was going. He didn’t have to finish. His smile was blinding, bowing his head to look at his feet. 

“I’ll hold you to that,” he assured, walking back to his car and opening the door. He gave her one last longing glance, pointed at her, then gave her a quick wave before he jumped in and before she knew it, he was gone.

* * *

And now, in the present after all this time, Sam glanced over at Josh, still in awe that he was actually here with her; she reckoned she’d never get used to the idea, after nine years of missing him.

_ It’s never goodbye. _

Sure, that hole in her heart had numbed and scabbed over, but it had always been there. And now he was here, and all she could keep thinking about at this very moment was how badly she wanted to be with him, and how much she couldn't.

And it wasn’t just because she was engaged. Sam realized this wasn’t fair to Liam, especially with how she’d left things with him. In fact, she was almost certain he’d be the one ending the engagement as soon as he found out that she was in Santa Monica with her patient, the same one he’d so clearly outlined his distaste for. The scariest part was that the idea left Sam eerily relieved.

And it wasn’t just because Josh was her patient, either (well… technically  _ Elliot _ was her patient, but that was neither here nor there). Because she could drop him as a patient and move on, no one would be any the wiser.

It was the fact that even though bits and pieces of Josh poked through here and there, he wasn’t Josh. Not yet. And as she stared at the man with Josh’s face and wished so badly that he would remember everything and scoop her up in his arms and carry on exactly where they’d left off… it was becoming more and more hopeless.

“What are you thinkin’ about so hard over there?” Josh droned, an eyebrow raised in her direction. Sam smirked; he knew. He always knew. 

“Nothing,” Sam sighed, then turned towards him with a shrug. “Everything.” Josh nodded.

“Ah, gotcha.”

“Our  _ vegan _ kids,” she added with a nudge to his side. He laughed nervously, his hand finding the back of his neck awkwardly.

“Yeahhhhh… sorry about that. I don’t know where that came from.”

_ I do _ , Sam thought to herself. 

“Sam?” he asked, turning towards her, his features clearly lined in the ever-growing darkness, seeming to surround them like fog. 

“Yes, Elliot?” Sam replied, having to carefully keep herself from replying with Josh the way she always used to.

“You know how I told you I get deja vu a lot? Or like, memories that aren’t mine?” Sam nodded, wanting so desperately to hear where he was going with this. “Like… it’s been really weird hanging around you so much lately because I feel like I’m getting it more and more. Like, things about you and the people you’re bringing me around are triggering it.” He was catching on, though he didn’t even know what he was catching on  _ to _ . Sam sucked in a sharp breath and faced forward, her stomach in a knot as she crossed her arms and trudged further through the sand. She neared the water, her toes almost meeting the waves of the ocean, her long skirt fluttering in the ocean wind. Josh followed her, and she melted when his hand reached out and rested gently on her arm. “I guess I mean to say, whatever therapy you’re trying on me, I think it’s actually working.”

Sam felt a lump forming in her throat. She turned towards him again, her favorite eyes in the world searching her face, full of so much hope - probably that she would be just as excited as he was to discover this. She realized she was just staring at him, wordlessly, and she could see the insecurity and apprehension festering behind his eyes.

“That’s…. _ amazing _ , Elliot,” she choked out. He could still sense something was wrong.

“Are you okay?” he asked. Before Sam could answer he was apologizing - and she didn’t even know why. “I wanted to say I’m sorry for yesterday at your mom’s… I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable it’s just… I really appreciate everything you’re doing for me and I feel…” his words trailed off nervously.

“You feel _ what _ ?” she pushed, sure that her own eyes were full of hope now.He sighed, shaking his head modestly.

“I feel like I’ve known you my whole life,” he confessed, his voice cracking. Sam wanted to lean in and kiss him, awaken him from his spell and end all of this confusion right now. It was becoming unbearable.

“There’s a reason you feel that way about me,” Sam said hesitantly, but when she saw the look on his face she lost her nerve, swallowing down the lump in her throat. She was walking the line too dangerously now; she needed to pull back. “A lot of patients feel that way about their doctor,” she improvised, and she hated to see the disappointment in his face, the utter letdown. 

“I think… it’s more about  _ you _ ,” he dared. “As a person.” Sam felt her cheeks pinken, and she was relieved that it was now dark enough that maybe he couldn't see it. She couldn't respond, simply tucked her hair behind her ear and cleared her throat. Sam peered up and she could literally see the moment Josh decided to give up on the conversation, stuffing his hands in his pockets and sighing. “Liam is a lucky guy, is all,” he mumbled. Sam scoffed.

“I’m sure he’d beg to differ at this point,” she accidentally blurted, regretting it instantly as she watched the intensity settle back onto his face. He turned her towards him, leaning down a bit to meet her gaze.

“No. He  _ is, _ Sam,” he said sternly, looking slightly irritated that she would even question it. He snorted shaking his head. “Seriously…  _ why _ are you marrying this guy? Especially if he doesn’t make you feel like you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to him?” he asked, brazenly. Sam smiled a humorless smile, giving one shoulder a shrug. 

“I don’t even know anymore,” she said, her voice barely a whisper. “And anyway, I haven’t been that great to him either, lately,” she confessed. Josh just stared down at her in astonishment, as if he  _ knew _ he was the reason for that. She could see by the way his posture changed that he was thinking about kissing her, and worse, that she might not be able to stop him this time.

“ _Dinner_!” 

They both snapped out of their trance at the sound of Ashley’s voice echoing from the back patio of the huge house. Wordlessly, they both turned and walked silently back.

* * *

_ To Be Continued… _

  
  



	10. Old Habits

**Chapter 9:**

_Old Habits_

* * *

 

Dinner was amazing, especially since Ashley and Chris cared enough to remember that Sam was a vegan, to which she briefly reminded beforehand. But still, they made her her own dish and Sam could see the way that Josh devoured his own plate that he was equally satiated. Now that their plates were pretty much wiped clean, they all sat at the table while they let their food settle in their stomachs.

They'd exhausted all forms of polite conversation, but Sam couldn't help but notice the way that Ashley and Chris couldn't stop staring at Josh; it was so incredible to actually have him there with them, no matter how much they tried to hide it.

"How's the pregnancy?" Sam asked. Ashley's belly stuck out like a constant reminder that they'd yet to really discuss anything about the couple. Ashley sighed, rolling her head back exhaustedly. Sam couldn't imagine lugging a little human around inside of her.

"It's a totally different ballpark than with Elizabeth," Ashley explained. "I am _way_ more fatigued. And I was a lot more nauseous during this one… boys are just _different_ ," she noted, spacely, then her eyes widened, as though she had just unearthed a huge secret. "I guess the cat's outta the bag now. We weren't really telling anyone but..." she snorted. "It's a boy-"

" _Mazel tov_ ," Josh deadpanned, a tiny crack of a smile in his otherwise intense features. Chris leaned forward, rubbing his hand on Ashley's belly lovingly.

"Yup, that's my boy in there," he beamed proudly. They all quietly chuckled at his excitement, and Ashley leaned back in her chair, out of breath from just sitting there.

"Baby boy Bennett," Josh mused, and Sam was a little surprised how much he was actually engaging in the conversation. It made her feel good to know he was feeling at ease with Chris and Ashley.

"Well, I mean… we have a _few_ names that we've talked about," Ashley smiled, glancing over at Chris as if to ask, ' _can I tell 'em'?_ Then she added under her breath, " _Some_ are better than others,"

"Oh, _do_ tell," Sam insisted, leaning forward and resting her chin in her palm. Chris and Ashley shared a brief look - Sam never understood how they managed to say everything they needed to say with just a look. She'd found herself constantly feeling like she and Liam couldn't even talk with words, let alone fleeting glances. Then again, she'd always been able to tell what Josh was thinking just from the way he looked at her, and right now his eyes were saying, ' _this is nice.'_

"Alright, we weren't gonna tell anyone yet but you're pretty safe, I suppose," Ashley teased.

"We have narrowed it down to a couple we like. I like the name Salinger-" It was clear from Chris' reaction that he wasn't a fan.

" _That_ one again? I thought we vetoed that one," Chris groaned, leaning back and crossing his arms to show just how closed off he was to the idea. Sam both loved and hated that she was able to read people's body language. Sometimes it could get distracting, always trying to figure out what was going on in everyone's heads.

"Nooo, you vetoed that one," she insisted, pointing at him accusingly. Sam couldn't help but smile. Even in their bickering, they always spoke with love and never irritation. They were best friends and she loved that about them.

"Ash, he had _one_ hit. And it was about a whiny, pretentious little emo kid."

" _One_ hit?" Ashley uttered, pure offense on her face. " _Excuuuuse_ me? Nine Stories? Franny and Zooey?"

"No one has heard of those. Have you guys heard of those?" Chris asked, peering between Josh and Sam, who both recoiled a bit, unwilling to participate. Ashley just laughed away her defeat- clearly Salinger was back off the table. Sam caught Josh's glimpse at her from the other side of the table, giving her a quick grin which she gratefully returned - he seemed at ease. "Anyways, my name is better…" Chris said quietly.

"Oh yeah, this one is great," Ashley snorted, a hint of sarcasm in her tone.

"Uriah Silas."

"Oh, now that's cute," Sam shrugged, raising her eyebrows. "What's wrong with Uriah?"

"He only likes Uriah Silas because then his initials would be..." she glanced at Chris, who happily took over.

" _USB_!" he said eagerly, his true nerd showing, "isn't that hilarious?"

"It's… _something_ ," Sam said amusedly, shaking her head.

"Your poor, _poor_ child," Josh chuckled a bit more brazenly, followed by a quick drink of his beer. Their laughter subsided, the room calming a bit again before Ashley's eyes flitted back up to Chris.

"Well, we did have _one_ we both had agreed on…" she said meekly, and Chris' eyebrows rose in recognition.

"Oh yeah," he said, matching her quiet tone.

"Well? What is it?" Sam prodded, leaning forward on elbows. "It can't be worse than USB."

"We.. uh… we actually liked Joshua if it was a boy," Chris said after a moment. "Took a little convincing on my part, you know, after everything that-" Chris stopped himself from going any further, pretending to have a bit of a coughing fit. Sam was grateful. Josh let out a loud chuckle, everyone glancing over at him.

"Sorry just… this guy again? He must have been _some_ guy, the way you guys are always going on about him," he noted, pushing his little bit of remaining food around his plate a bit. "Sam here never stops talking about him," he added with a brief nod in her direction. Everyone sat quietly for a moment, not sure what exactly to say as none of them had ever been in a situation quite like this. It was clear that Josh was curious, but how were they supposed to tell Josh about … well, himself.

"Well, that's because he was _kinda_ incredible," Chris finally said with a sigh, and Sam could tell in that moment just how much Chris missed his best friend… and he was literally sitting three feet away from him.

"How'd he die?" Josh blurted suddenly, and the room fell eerily silent. It was the question that no one wanted to answer because.. well… he didn't die.

"Lizzie, are you getting sleepy?" Chris asked, breaking the tension and quickly changing the subject in a manner that wouldn't seem rude. They all peered at the little girl who was practically falling asleep in her booster seat. She must have been tired; they hadn't heard a peep from the little urchin for a good half-hour… after of course, an epic battle with Chris about how she didn't like ' _chi-chin nuddets'_ anymore.

"I'm not tired," she whined, but her heavy eyelids and nodding head gave her away. And if they hadn't, her big yawn ending her claim certainly did.

"Let me help you clear the plates," Sam offered as Ashley began to pick up her dishes.

" _Thanks!_ " Ash replied, not one to turn down the extra help at this point. Any time time off her feet was welcome.

As Chris picked up Lizzie to carry her up to bed, Sam and Josh helped Ashley carry the dishes to the sink to be pre-washed before placing them in the dishwasher.

"So…" Sam began after a long moment of silence, the only sound being the clinking of the dishes and running water, "Have you and Chris talked to any of the others recently?" She knew it shouldn't be such a touchy subject, but considering she hadn't made it a point to contact any of them in almost ten years, Sam felt like she was stepping into uncertain territory.

"Not _too_ recently," Ashley answered, washing a glass under the water before handing it to Josh to put in the washer, "But we try to keep in touch. Emily moved further east and became a surgeon."

" _Wooow_ , impressive! Good for her," Sam commented.

"Matt's teaching college football...at least, he was a few years ago. He's the hardest to contact, I really think he just wants to forget about all of us and...everything that happened."

"What happened?" Josh asked innocently enough as he continued to place dishes, glasses, and silverware in the dishwasher.

Ashley looked over at Sam, apologizing with her eyes for even mentioning it.

"Just... a fallout between friends," Sam responded, shrugging her shoulders as if it was no big deal. Josh seemed to accept this answer, "So I take it Em and Matt didn't stay together then."

"Nope, they pretty much went their separate ways after...you know, the funeral," Ashley continued quickly, wondering if she was saying all the wrong things, "Anyway, Jessica became the lead meteorologist for a big news company in San Diego…"

"Big Booty J Carr?" Josh suddenly piped up, causing both Sam and Ash to stare at him like he was an alien. He blushed slightly, which was possibly the cutest thing Sam ever saw, and he became fixated on moving the dishes around to make room, "She's kinda famous, like you said. I remember being in one of my classes and a few guys were watching... _videos_ of her."

Sam laughed gently, "That would be her…"

"Pretty cool that you guys are friends with her. Is she going to be one of the people we visit?" Josh asked Sam with curious eyes.

"Um, I don't know, probably not," Sam answered quickly, a weird sort of jealousy resting in her stomach that she wished to ignore. She recalled a few times when Jess was single when she would flirt with Josh. _Harmlessly,_ of course, Jess flirted with almost every single guy in her own way. Still. "What about Mike?"

"He went into politics. He has the looks to get the votes," Ashley laughed, "Chris came up with that line."

Sam grinned, "Of course he did."

"Jess and Mike didn't stay together either, but last I heard, they're still good friends."

Chris came back, wrapping his arms around Ashley from behind, "Liz is out like a light. Hey, you two are staying the night, right?"

Sam and Josh exchanged quick glances before looking away, and Sam swore she felt like she was in second grade and someone just asked her who her crush was, "Um...I don't know, we-."

"No. We _insist_. We have _more_ than enough room. Liz is already passed out in our bedroom, which means we have her room and the guest room open. You guys should definitely stay, what's a few hours rest before the drive home? Plus, you know, we've all been drinking..." Chris pointed out. "She has a full-size bed in there, you'll be more than comfortable…"

"But… _Elliot_ -" Sam started to object, glancing back at Josh again, but Chris was already there, draping his arm over Josh's shoulder now.

"He'll be fine. I think we could both go for some guy time, right?" he asked, slapping Josh on the back. "Dude, I am constantly surrounded by females...I _need_ this." Josh gave a sideways smirk and a shrug, he seemed totally content with the idea - which made Sam very happy, considering his social anxiety. There must have been something inside of him that knew he was safe around these people… if only he could just remember.

"Let me show you her room," Ashley said excitedly, as if she was the child who was eagerly about to show her friend her bedroom.

"But…," Sam tried to object, but Ashley was already in her ear.

"Just… give them a little bit of time. Maybe this is gonna help," she suggested, and Sam couldn't argue with that. Maybe some time alone with Chris was exactly what Josh needed to trigger another memory. Still, she couldn't help but wonder if she was jealous that his memory might come flooding back to him and she was going to be nowhere near when it did. She relented anyways, chalking this up to an important moment in Josh's recovery. She turned towards them, giving a quick smile.

"Okay, have fun, guys," Sam relented, her voice dripping with remorse. She turned back again, pointing in Josh's direction, "and Elliot, if you need anything I will be right upstairs." Josh didn't respond, just gave a quick nod. If he had been uncomfortable or nervous Sam certainly couldn't tell at this point - it seemed just like retiring to bed at the Washington Lodge with a party still raging, Josh and Chris getting ready to pour more shots.

Sam and Ashley walked upstairs and into Lizzie's bedroom, closing the door before Ashley neared Sam, her hand resting on Sam's arm.

"How are you holding up?" she ventured. Sam had no idea how to answer such a simple question, as the answer was just far too mind-boggling. She took in a breath and it felt like the first she'd really taken all night. "This is so surreal," Ashley breathed, waddling towards the pink-quilted bed and fluffing a pillow, tossing a teddy bear aside.

"It's him, right? I'm not crazy?" Sam chuckled, taking a seat at the end of the bed.

"If it's not then we're all crazy," Ashley replied, smoothing out the bedding and sitting beside her old friend. Sam instinctively leaned her head on Ashley's shoulder, then Ashley laid her head atop of Sam's.

"You guys are so lucky you've always had each other…" Sam commented lowly.

Ashley gave a short laugh, "Well, it wasn't always rainbows and butterflies. For the first whole year after Josh's funeral, Chris was in a really bad place. He tried not to show it...he was trying to maintain his tough guy act around me, but I knew. And then I felt bad for being depressed, because you and Chris lost the person closest to both of you…"

Sam lifted her head, staring absently at Ashley's swollen belly, "Well...I mean, Josh put you through a lot that night…"

"Don't _remind_ me," Ashley said with a groan and a smile, but Sam knew on some level that she was serious. Ashley reached up into her hair, pulling out a couple small blue pieces of what seemed to be candy, "Ugh...I need to get cleaned up. You'll be okay for a few minutes?"

Sam nodded, and when Ashley excused herself to go take a shower and clean up all the stickiness that was on her from Lizzie's escapades earlier, Sam took a moment to look around the little girl's room. Lizzie was definitely spoiled. Despite the largeness of the room, toys were still spilling out of about a dozen toy boxes and scattered randomly all over the floor. Little figures lines the shelves on the walls, though a lot of them were knocked over.

Behind sheer curtains, she spotted the sliding door that led to a balcony. Lizzie was a lucky girl, Sam just hoped she grew up to realize this. Sam clicked open the doors and was instantly hit with the cool breeze from the night ocean air. Looking out into the water from here was like looking out into a black void; she could only hear the calming s _woosh_ of the ocean waves, every once in awhile catching the glint of the white foam from the moon's glow.

Then she heard the laughter of Josh and Chris from the patio that was almost directly below her. She smiled to herself, glad Josh was able to talk casually to him.

"…then when we picked her up from Ash's mom's, Liz was just playing quietly in the living room but her grandmother's hair was wild and she looked like she hadn't slept the whole weekend." Chris laughed at his story.

"I can definitely tell you have your hands full," Josh commented, "I bet it's nice having so much family to depend on though."

Their beer bottles clinked together, "Things can get crazy, but you're right, bro."

Sam folded her arms and leaned on the railing; even when Chris was in total dad mode and talking about his kid, Josh was able to participate.

"Ash's side of the family is huge—she has five sisters and three brothers, and every single one of them already has at least two kids of their own. As soon as I married her, every single one of those kids started calling me Uncle Chris."

"I gotta say, I'm pretty envious, man. It sounds insane, but at least you're never lonely."

Chris went silent, and Sam bit her lip. She wondered if it was hard for Josh to hear about Chris' large family when he didn't know if he _had_ a family.

"And you and your wife are obviously crazy about each other. How'd you two meet?"

Chris chuckled, "Well…uh, it was actually Josh that introduced us. They were in the same English class; she was a sophomore taking junior English—and I guess—he just thought she'd be perfect for me. He told her that he needed someone to tutor him and…well, you already know how crazy Ash is about literature…but instead of giving her his address, he gave her mine. So all of a sudden I had this beautiful girl standing on my front porch eagerly wanting to talk about _Pride and Prejudice._ When she found out my last name was Bennett, she fangirled and—I fell in love with her."

Sam grinned from the balcony. She remembered the day Josh told her what he did and though Sam just laughed and pushed his shoulder playfully for putting his best friend in that situation, the story made her fall even more in love with Josh. It was just like him to pull a little prank when trying to hook his best bro up with a girl, but the fact that he could just look at Ashley and know that she was perfect for Chris left Sam in awe.

"It's…" Josh laughed quickly, "It's really hard to live up to this Josh guy. You and Ashley met because of him, you want to name your son after him, Sam's in love with him…"

Sam's heart sped up but she tried to calm it so she didn't hear the thumping in her ears.

"Bro, she…" Chris started.

" _All_ of you look at me like you're shocked at how much I resemble him. Don't think I don't notice…Sam looked at me like that from the first second I met her and she called me his name. But Josh sounds— _sounded—_ amazing and I don't think I could…I could be all that for her. I mean, I could try but—."

Sam's eyebrows furrowed. She never meant to make him feel inadequate to Josh…

"She's engaged to another guy, dude…"

"Right. Yeah, I know."

Sam let out a low breath before hearing Ashley knock on the bedroom door and peek in. She was in flowing maternity pajamas, probably feeling much more comfortable now.

"Hey, did you wanna join the boys outside for awhile?"

Sam swallowed hard but nodded. She needed a beer first. Maybe two. She followed Ashley to the kitchen, twisting open a beer and drinking the whole bottle in one gulp. Ashley raised an eyebrow when Sam reached for another one.

"Are you okay…?" Ashley asked, dismissively rubbing her hand all over her large belly.

Sam took another long drink of the second beer, but managed to not finish the whole thing this time, "I kinda overheard Chris and Josh talking and…"

"And they were talking about you?" Ashley guessed. Sam nodded and Ashley sighed, "Sam, that _is_ Josh out there, whether he realizes it or not. He _loves_ you."

Okay, not exactly what Sam wanted or needed to hear, but there it was. Ashley cocked her head to the patio, so Sam followed her outside with her half-finished beer and another unopened one.

"Hey, you two. What are you talking about?" Ashley asked innocently as she closed the glass doors behind Sam so any noise they all made wouldn't travel upstairs and disturb Elizabeth.

Chris was sitting on one wicker two-person bench and Josh was sitting on the one adjacent to it. Ashley turned around as she prepared to lower her body to sit next to Chris; Chris instinctively holding out his arms and helping her relax.

Sam sat next to Josh but made sure she wasn't close enough to touch him.

"Aww, you brought me another beer?" he asked playfully when he saw her gripping two in her hands.

The unopened one was actually supposed to be for her, but she had just downed one-and-a-half beers within a minute and knew she should probably chill out. She hardly drank as it was, maybe a glass of wine she usually nursed over an hour, and didn't know how all the alcohol would affect her.

So she smiled and handed it to him. He opened it and pointed it toward her so they could tap their bottles together.

"You and Chris have a good chat?" She asked, hoping she didn't sound like she already knew about their whole conversation.

He nodded, "He talks about his daughter and wife a lot," he chuckled and took a sip of his beer, "And Josh."

Sam nodded and glanced over at Chris and Ashley. They were talking softly between them, all soft touches and loving looks. It made her feel a bit jealous of their relationship again—they've been together ever since the night Josh—disappeared. So in hindsight, Josh's plan worked. The night brought the two together. _Mission accomplished, Josh._

It brought her back to the night Chris and Ashley dragged her out of bed about a week after Josh's funeral, when she'd moved home for a while. It was embarrassing having them catch her just looking at pictures and calling his phone over and over just to hear his familiar voicemail. But they were determined to get her to meet up with the rest of the gang so they could all have their own personal funeral for not only Josh, but Hannah and Beth as well. But Sam's three favorite people were dead, and finding the motivation to even roll out of bed let alone go to a _party_ was nearly impossible _._ But Ashley got her dressed and her and Chris drove her to Mike's place.

Everyone was still shook up from that night. Seeing wendigos up close and personal isn't something anyone can just forget. Mike still had bandages wrapped around his hand to cover his missing fingers. Everyone still had some scratches and bruises covering their bodies—but all were healing. Physically.

Sam sat down on a random chair as soon as she walked in and stayed there. She vaguely remembered Chris bringing her a drink and Ashley rubbing her shoulders. But as the night wore on and the others talked about— _everything and nothing—_ Sam eventually looked up to look around what was left of the crew.

Chris had his arm around Ashley and listened to her talk only to him. Her voice was low and there were tears on her face, so she was obviously telling him about something that affected her the most that night.

Emily was sitting on a dresser against the wall, her hand held out as Matt traced lazy circles on her palm, the two of them probably contemplating where they went from here.

Jessica sat sideways on Mike's lap on the recliner, her face buried in his neck as he held her so tightly, it seemed he was scared she would simply disappear if he let her go.

And Sam became very aware of how alone she was. She closed her eyes and tried to imagine Josh's arms around her. She imagined him dropping to his knees in front of her, hiding his face in her lap as he apologized over and over for putting her through everything he did that night. She imagined running her hand through his hair and chanting that she forgave him, over and over and over…

But that was never going to happen. She was never going to get her happy ending after that terrifying night and no matter how much the others went through, they could still go to bed each night holding their significant other and wake up to see their alive and shining faces.

She was numb when she stood to leave, exiting the house so quietly that none of them even noticed her departure. But she didn't belong with them anymore. They all had each other, but she was alone. She wanted to be happy for them, but couldn't find it in herself at that moment to be. She was full of bitterness and loneliness and none of them needed anymore negativity in their life.

She made it about halfway home when she spotted headlights coming around the corner toward her. She feared that it was Chris and Ashley, or any of the others, coming to look for her and she didn't want to be found. She wished she'd never been found on the mountain. She wished she had gotten lost in the mines with Josh and died with him.

Sam walked off the road and slid down into the small ditch that would hide her from any cars. And sure enough, the car slowly came around the bend but continued driving down the road. She attempted to pull herself up but her shoe slipped on mud and she slid back down and stayed there. A deep sob that started in her chest and emitted through her parted lips took her by surprise, and it only took a moment after that for all the tears and sobs to start.

" _No, no, no, no, no…"_ She chanted between every quick sob, her chest heaving as her lungs tried to catch their breath; but they were on fire and she didn't think she'd ever be able to breathe properly again.

Until finally, her body broke into wails. She pulled her knees up to her chest and clenched her hair as she screamed as loud as she could. Her salty tears slipped into her mouth, her lips trembling, her throat sore. She tried rocking herself, a pitiful attempt to calm down, but she wished she could keep screaming to the point of passing out.

Her heart felt like it was slow compared to how worked up the rest of her body was, and she could literally feel it cracking and breaking. She thought that was how she was going to be found a few days from now: dead in a ditch from a shattered heart.

In the present, Sam hated that she had that memory. It was the lowest point in her life but didn't think she would have ever made it if she didn't have that breakdown.

She looked over at Josh, now sitting beside her. Something she didn't think would ever happen again. He was looking out into the dark ocean, probably not wanting to just stare at Chris and Ashley having a cuddly couple moment. And if Sam was by herself again, she knew she wouldn't want to see it either.

But she wasn't by herself. She wasn't in that ditch anymore. She was sitting beside _him._ The only one she ever truly loved and ever will.

She felt a lump in her throat as she reached for the sleeve of his hoodie, pulling herself closer to him until she was pressed against him and her head fell perfectly on his shoulder. It felt so good she literally felt her eyes roll to the back of her head before closing them.

He stiffened against her for a moment, probably taken completely off-guard. She felt his head turn toward her, and if she wasn't such a coward, she would look up to meet his gaze.

"Are you cold?" He asked in a low voice only she could hear. It sent shivers through her and caused her skin to tighten into goosebumps.

"A little…" she answered just as low, hoping the weather could at least excuse her actions. Or maybe it was the alcohol. Yeah, that was it.

There was an afghan that was draped over the back of the wicker bench; he put their beers down, then reached for it, winging it out of its folded state. He placed it over her, his arm going around her as he did. She found his free hand under the afghan and grasped onto it, their fingers seamlessly interlacing. He pressed his lips to the top of her head, and just like that, she was thrown back to all the times Josh always did that when they were younger.

"You smell good," he told her, and she could feel his mouth move against her har.

She smiled and, in her mind, she was one-hundred percent without a doubt with Josh. She whispered, "You do, too."

"Sam…?" Josh started, but she only acknowledged it with a tiny, " _hm?"_

"So, Elliot!" Ashley spoke up a bit too loudly. Sam's eyes opened to stare at her like she was crazy, "You said you're in college? What are you taking?"

Under the afghan, Josh began rubbing his thumb soothingly across the back of Sam's hand, "Sam's mom had the exact same question…"

"Oh, you met her mom...already? She's so sweet, isn't she?" Ashley offered.

"Yeah, definitely. Uh...but as far as college, I've only been taking random classes. But-something Sam's mom said...it got me thinking. I might want to try majoring in Psychology."

Sam met eyes with Chris. That was Josh's major when he first went off to college. She raised her head to look at him, her heart nearly pounding out of her chest at how close they were, "That's something you're really interested in?"

He gave a mall shrug, "I think so." His hand squeezed her shoulder, "Maybe focusing on that will help me with...everything. And I've met so many psychologists that are terrible at their job-like, they're so quick to give up on people and push their clients to someone else without even really trying…" Josh lowered his voice, his eyes searching her face, "You were the first one that really...that I felt comfortable with."

Sam's lips parted to respond, but she couldn't find the words. Her eyes wandered down to his lips, once again thinking about their last kiss before he left for college...

"Well, I need to head to bed!" Ashley suddenly exclaimed.

Sam looked over to her, realizing that Ashley and Chris had been staring at them. And just like that, the moment was broken—what she was doing with _Elliot_ was completely wrong and she should be ashamed of herself.

But she really couldn't be. The moment she took her hand from Josh's, her fingers felt cold and longed to find his again.

Ashley laughed nervously, "Lizzie is a _ridiculously_ early riser, and I'll never be able to keep up with her if I'm tired. Goodnight, you guys."

"I'll be up in a minute," Chris told her, helping her stand up. Ashley went inside, still flashing Chris a look that told him everything she wanted him to discuss with Sam.

Sam stood up as soon as Chris did, "Yeah, I guess we should get some sleep, too."

She avoided Josh's gaze as they cleaned up the patio then went inside. It was awkwardly quiet between the three of them in the kitchen, and it probably gave Josh anxiety so he excused himself saying he was going to get ready for bed.

As soon as he was upstairs, Chris got close to her and whispered harshly, "What the _hell_ are you doing, Sam?"

"I'm not doing _anything,"_ She said defensively, her eyes narrowed and ready for a fight if it came to that.

" _Sam!"_ Chris said a bit louder, grabbing her shoulders, "You're engaged! And _Elliot_ is your patient! _You_ told _me_ that—."

"I know!" She accidentally yelled, swiping his hands off her shoulders when she stepped away from him. Her eyes filled with tears, "Don't you think I know all that, Chris?! You only just saw him a few hours ago—how do you think _I_ feel? Ever since I saw him that first day, he's _all_ I think about! He's all I _ever_ thought about since I was _thirteen!"_

The waterworks started again and, after talking with not only her mom about this, but Chris as well, she realized that she really did have a lot of problems she never got past.

" _I still love him,"_ she told him brokenly, her voice cracking.

Chris took in a deep breath and looked around, having a hard time watching her cry again.

"Sam, I—."

"I need to get to sleep," she told him, not wishing for him to comfort her at that time. He tried calling to her again, but she only waved him off as she bounded up the steps to the bubble pink room that was a harsh contrast to her mood.

Once she shut the door behind her, the tears fell freely once again. She had slightly expected her little run in with Chris, because she wasn't unaware of her actions for the evening or the constant sideways glances that she and Josh were getting from Chris and Ashley - and even though they understood, no reason she could come up with in her mind could make it _right._ She was still engaged and Josh was still her patient, and no matter what happened, those two facts remained true.

Sam pulled her shirt off to replace it with a nightshirt that Ashley had offered, the same with her skirt and a pair of cotton shorts. She had no idea how she was supposed to sleep, and her stomach hurt when she suddenly thought of her cell phone, on silent, sitting in her car all this time. It hadn't even occurred to her to be available to Liam and that made her even more disgusted with herself. She decided right then and there, in the ridiculously pink room she was standing in, that she had to do something about Liam as soon as she got home, no matter how hard or conflicted she may feel about it.

Sam slid her fingers through her hair before running her hands down her face, feeling her chest contact with an exhale that she felt she'd been holding in for far too long. She glanced over at the open patio door, the sound of the waves offering comfort and solace amongst her frenzied thoughts.

For a moment, Sam sat on the twin bed and let herself remember some of the not-so-great moments in her past with Josh - specifically the moment she watched him get sawed in half on a huge projector screen, the way it made her knees buckle and her heart stop, the way it made her want to die. And then to find out it had all been a ruse, a sick prank to garner some kind of revenge on them all… she'd always wondered why he'd done that to her, although the psychologist in her had deduced that it was a means to elicit Sam's true feelings for him. Even still, it broke her heart to know that he felt he needed to do something so drastic to get a reaction from her… hadn't she been so obvious, all along?

Sam stood abruptly at the sound of someone knocking, albeit very quietly, on the bedroom door. She stood slowly, nearing the door - she was genuinely curious who it might be. Perhaps it was Chris to finish the conversation that she'd so abruptly ended or maybe it was Ashley to get a fresh pair of pajamas for Liz.

But when Sam opened the door and saw a weary, waiting Josh on the other side, she heard herself gasp at the sight. She hadn't totally been expecting him - he'd been brash, yes, but even this seemed a bit… invasive. She felt suddenly so exposed in her night clothes, covering herself slightly as she leaned against the wooden moulding of the doorway.

"Oh, hi. Do you need something?" she asked politely, but she could feel her heart thumping rapidly in her chest as he stared at her, his intense eyes searing into her. He didn't say anything, and Sam felt herself growing equally nervous as she was curious. Then, in one quick moment, Josh stepped forward, hooking his arm around her scantily clad waist and pulling her close, his lips finding hers with ease.

Sam would have liked to have imagined that she'd been resistant, that she'd fought him off a bit, but it was only a matter of milliseconds before her hands were wrapped tightly around him, then in his hair pulling him even closer to her.

His tongue explored her mouth like it had been there before and it was simply getting reaquainted, her body molding into the nooks and crannies of his as it had done before. They just…. _fit_. He whipped her around, her back flush against that pink wall that she'd been staring at so intensely before and she loved the pressure of his body against hers. Why wasn't she pushing him away? Why hadn't it even occurred to her to fight him off?

No. Sam wanted this. He wanted this. And she was tired of pretending it wasn't everything she could ever want.

He finally pulled away, but not before leaving a few more residual kisses on her lips and Sam was literally breathless. He pressed his forehead to hers, his eyes slowly opening to meet hers and a smile creeping across his lips, a genuine one.

"You have _no_ idea how long I've wanted to do that," he confessed, his voice hoarse and his breathing ragged. Sam groaned, her hands reaching for his collar of his hoodie and she couldn't decide to pull him back in or push him away. His breath was intoxicating, his lips like the sweetest poison. Sure she may die, but it would have been the sweetest death. "I can't stop thinking about you, Sam," he breathed. Sam smiled for the quickest moment, before she painfully shook her head, his bobbing with hers from side to side.

"I _can't_ ," was all she could say, but Josh wouldn't hear it. "Not yet, not like this," she added before she could stop herself.

"I've seen the way you look at me, Samantha. I _know_ there's something here, something pulling us together," he swallowed, tensely, as though it was taking everything out of him just to say what he was saying to her. "I know you want me. I can tell by the way you touch me. The way you look at me." There was something so unbelievably erotic about the way he was speaking to her, calling her out on every thought as though he could read her mind.

"You're right," she admitted, the words spilling out from deep within her - it felt good to actually be able to say the words aloud. Sam closed her eyes but she could hear the way his lips parted into a smile when her words hit his ears. She could feel him press forward, his lips searching for hers again when she pulled away, her eyes opening and her breathing coming to a halt. As much as it killed her, she knew she had to be the strong one. "I'm engaged, Josh," she uttered. Josh's eyes lowered, his eyebrows following into a look of understanding but hidden disappointment. He unclasped her wrists with his hands, taking a brief step away from her.

" _Elliot_ ," he choked out, a quick tuft of air. "My name is Elliot." Sam reached for him, but he unlatched himself from her, unable to shield her from the pain in his eyes. "And… I know that. But…" he gave a shrug, turning his gaze from her. "You can't blame a guy for trying, right?"

"Elliot, I'm so, _so_ sorr-"

"Nonono… _don't_ ," he said quickly, as though to protect himself from any further embarrassment. "It's okay. I get it," he assured, turning towards her door, seeing himself out.

"Elliot, _wait_ ," Sam whispered after him harshly with tears in her eyes; anything to keep him from leaving her _just_ yet. He had spent this whole time feeling inadequate to Josh, just for her to make a stupid mistake like this. She wanted to just tell him: he was Josh. He was all she had ever wanted. And she was going to leave Liam. And she was working so hard to get him to remember her… but all of those facts seemed wasted upon deaf ears for now.

"I-its okay. I'll just uh… I'll see you in the morning," he mumbled before heading back towards the bedroom door. "I just wanted to know what it was like to kiss you," He stopped, a weak smile on his lips as he earnestly promised, "It was even better than how I imagined." He turned, taking himself back to his room. Sam couldn't go after him. There was nothing more to say. After she heard his footsteps falling further and further from her bedroom door, she collapsed onto the twin bed, her hands reaching up to graze the place where his lips had just been.

* * *

 

_To Be Continued..._


	11. Mind Games

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello to our amazing readers. Just a little note to say that after this chapter there may be some more "adult" content coming up. I feel the need to give you guys a heads up if you're not into that.

Chapter 10:

_ Mind Games _

* * *

As soon as Sam walked into the door of her house, she was met with Liam who was standing by the counter with his arms crossed. She only had to give him one guilty look before he started.

“Where the  _ fuck  _ have you been all night?”

She held up her hand, “Relax, I was at my old friends’ house.” When he only stared at her, she elaborated, “Chris and Ashley Bennett.”

“I don’t know about these  _ friends,”  _ was the only thing he responded with.

“They’re friends from nine years ago. I went to highschool with them,” she said, walking through the kitchen to their bedroom.

“So if that’s where you were,” he started, following closely behind her, “Why didn’t you answer any of my texts or calls?”

_ Shit!  _ “Sorry, Liam, I had my phone on silent from work and forgot to—.”

“ _ Bullshit, Samantha!”  _ Liam interrupted her, “You are the worst liar!”

She actually wasn’t lying, and she was fairly positive he was just using that to get under her skin and to make her tell him more. It was working. She wasn’t necessarily  _ lying,  _ but she wasn’t telling him the whole truth. She always hated it when others did that to her, so she knew the struggle.

“You were with that  _ demented _ lunatic patient of yours, weren’t you?” Liam accused.

Sam flipped her whole body around, fire flaming in her eyes, “You have no right to refer to him like that.”

“I  _ knew  _ it!” He pointed his finger at her and, despite the bleak guess, he seemed proud of himself. But it quickly passed and he was beyond pissed, “You’re hanging out with the mental guy outside of your office,  _ even though  _ you always told me before that that was against the rules!”

“It’s not like that!” she yelled back, trying not to think of all the touches and the kiss she shared with Josh the night before, “He’s participating in a new anxiety recovery study that—.”

Liam laughed ironically, “There you go  _ lying  _ again!”

She narrowed her eyes, “Stop accusing me of lying!”

“But you  _ are _ !” He yelled, getting up close to her. She wanted to flinch at the anger in his eyes, but she stood erect and kept eye contact, “If that’s all you were doing, you would have  _ thought  _ of me and called me to  _ tell me  _ what you were doing!” He spread his arms out when she didn’t say anything, “ _ But you didn’t.  _ Because you’re for some  _ Godforsaken  _ reason infatuated with this crackhead—.”

“ _ Stop calling him those names!”  _ Sam yelled, already getting fed with the way Liam kept referring to him even when he knew very well that his name was  _ Elliot, “ _ I was with him like I said, but  _ not  _ for the reasons you’re thinking! He is—.”

“Did you fuck him?”

Sam’s lips pursed. He was asking with a serious expression and there was no before or after thought for the question. She thought about the last few weeks. No, the last few years. She thought about the moment they met in her Psychology of Business class—the one class that intercepted their majors—and how he kept bugging her until she finally went on a date with him.

She thought about how he spent so much money on their dates. And how, when she told her mom about Liam, she only smiled softly and told her that maybe it was time for her to try and move on. She knew that was just her mom trying to be supportive with any decision she made. Still, she knew her mom had a point.

She thought about what Josh would have thought about Liam. And what Hannah would have thought. She knew neither of them would approve. But Liam offered her a life of  _ normalcy  _ which was what she’d been looking for, for over half a decade.

She thought about how she kept telling herself that one day she would finally get past Josh and everything that happened in the mines, and that she could potentially regret letting Liam go when she was ready move on. She thought about all the times she hid her depression so she could be the girl Liam wanted her to be.

She remembered the last day she visited her friends’ graves. The three Washington siblings, all lined up in a perfect row. She never came to the grave site when it was just Beth and Hannah’s graves. She knew there was nothing in the ground except empty coffins; symbols of how everyone simply gave up on looking for them.  _ “It’s been over a month. We have to accept the truth.” _

But then Josh’s grave was added next to theirs a year later. And Sam was still never sure what laid in that coffin that she wasn’t allowed to look into at his funeral. She could only accept what Bob and Melinda told her.

She had just graduated college, her cap and gown still covering her body as she stared down at the graves. She clutched her diploma in her right hand, waving it slightly, “Hey guys…just came to tell you that I’m a doctor now,” she laughed bleakly, looking down at the rolled up piece of paper. “Years and years of college for this one paper. What a life, right?”

“I wanted to share this with you guys—I wish there was some way to add all of your names to this one diploma. You were always by my side during…everything. For half my life. And I’m still here. Um...” her voice cracked and she closed her eyes and looked toward the sky, “I’m still here…”

She breathed in deeply through her nose before finding the courage to look back at the graves, “And there’s…something else.” She held up her left hand, “I’m engaged.” Sam looked at the big rock on her finger, her expression never changing, “He asked very suddenly…he did it in front of my mom and my whole graduating class. It would have been too embarrassing for both of us if I said no in front of all those people,” she laughed quickly, a short breath of air, “I’m not so sure you guys would like him, honestly. He’s a bit—different than us.

“I can’t wait until I’m thirty,” she said, looking at Josh’s grave only, “I don’t know what I’d do if I turned thirty and I was still single, sitting around waiting for you to make your Thirty Love move. I’m pretty sure I…I don’t think I could handle that.” She paused, staring longingly at the grave that only stared silently back at her. A single tear slipped down her cheek when she whispered, “Josh, why can’t I feel you…? I really…” she sniffed, dropping to her knees in front of the stone despite the ground being a bit wet from the previous day’s rain, “I really need to talk to you.” Her eyes fluttered shut and she rested her forehead on the cold headstone.

She felt nothing but aloneness.

 

In the present, she thought about how she had been living a lie and she wasn’t ready to admit it until now.

“You know what?” She grabbed the ring on her left hand and pulled it roughly off her finger, “If you want to start calling my patients malicious names and accuse me of cheating, then I think you should have this back.” She shoved the ring to his chest.

He instinctively reached up and grabbed the ring. His eyes were wide with surprise, “Sam, what are you—.”

“Get out,” was all she said.

But Liam was still in shock at her sudden change in demeanor and only stared at her and said, “But…this is my house…”

She threw her arms in the air and turned around, immediately opening up drawers and taking out her clothes, “ _ I’ll  _ leave then!”

“Oh, come  _ on,  _ Sam, we’re having a disagreement, you can’t just—.”

_ “THIS is not a disagreement!”  _ She countered, her anger flaring even more. She had been under so much stress recently—the wedding, Elliot, finding out Elliot was Josh, reevaluating everything about her life…it was all coming to a howling high, “This is a breakup! You want to accuse me of cheating?!  _ Then do it!  _ I don’t even care anymore!”

“Samantha, stop!” He tried to reach out and grab her, but she smacked his hand away.

“You don’t get to tell me what to do anymore!” She threw random clothes into her suitcase, her mind running a frenzy she couldn’t concentrate on.

“Sam, you  _ live _ here! Where will you go?”

“Not your concern!”

“Just  _ talk  _ to me!” He said, reaching for her again.

She held up her hands and backed away from him, “Liam—! Just…just let me leave. This is obviously something I’ve been thinking about doing for awhile now—.”

He looked surprised, “You thought about leaving for  _ some time _ ?”

“Yes, I—there’s a lot you don’t know about me and—.”

“Then tell me!”

She shook her head, turning away from him and throwing more clothes in her suitcase, “It’s too late.”

He let out a short laugh at her inconsistencies, “It’s too late for  _ you  _ to tell  _ me  _ about you? If you never told me, how am  _ I  _ at fault?”

“It takes two, Liam, I’m not—,” she sighed and started zipping her suitcase when she fit all she could in it, “I just haven’t been happy for years and—and I think maybe it’s time I focus on trying to be. But…” she paused here, an apology in her eyes, “I just don’t think I can get there with you…”

His mouth dropped open at her confession. He stood in the doorway before she could escape, “Sam, let’s just…think about this, okay? Our wedding is less than two months away, we just can’t—.”

“Let me leave, Liam,” she said softly, not meeting his gaze.

He didn’t necessarily move, but she was able to squeeze past him. She was glad Cee-Cee was in the kitchen so she could scoop the cat up and prepare to take her with her. Liam never really liked her pet anyway.

As soon as she went outside to load up her car, Liam came out and yelled, “I’m not giving up on us, Samantha!”

A few of their neighbors were outside and stopped what they were doing to watch the quarrel.  _ Nosy, rich neighbors… _

Sam didn’t respond though, throwing her bag in the back of her car before opening her door and allowing Cee-Cee to jump in and scurry around like it was the most traumatizing moment in her young kitty life. Sam couldn’t even look at Liam as she backed out of the driveway. This was not how she envisioned this day going. But as she drove down the street, heading to her mom’s house, she knew it was a long time coming. Even before Josh reappeared in her life.

She was only settling for what she thought would one day make her happy. She wished she could tell Liam that it was no ill-will toward him, and she wished him all the happiness in life. But it couldn’t be with her. She wasn’t well—wasn’t happy—and pretending to the rest of the world was okay, but faking everything in front of her fiancé and herself was draining her.

She needed to focus on her own happiness. 

 

And her happiness relied solely on getting Josh’s memories back.

* * *

For the second time in her life, Margaret awoke to see her daughter’s belongings scattered around her living room. She sighed, preparing herself mentally for whatever state Sammy was in. She assumed that Sam had broken things off with Liam, and she had a very good idea as to why.

She walked down her long hallway, pausing to reach down and pet an excited but disoriented Cee-Cee, and back into Sam’s old room. She was expecting to see her sleeping soundly. Instead, Sam was sitting at the end of her bed, her knees on her elbows as she held a well-used tissue in her hands. Margaret reached her knuckle up to lightly tap on the doorframe. Sam’s head rose, giving Margaret a good view of her daughter’s red cheeks and puffy eyes. 

“Is it over?” she simply asked. Sam choked up a bit, nodding her head through tears. Margaret took in a big breath then exhaled, walking into the bedroom and plopping down next to Sam. She reached her hand over to brush Sam’s hair back behind her shoulder so that she could see her. “He was never the one you wanted, Sammy,” she assured, comfortingly. Sam nodded more. She knew it was true. That didn’t make it any easier, though. She hated that she hurt Liam, that they’d wasted so many years being wrong for each other. 

Cee-cee jumped up onto Sam’s lap, digging her claws into Sam’s thigh as she stretched across her. 

“I’m relieved,” Sam breathed, feeling like she was in a daze. She sniffled, turning to look at her mother. She chuckled to herself, shaking her head, “I am  _ actually _ relieved.” She didn’t know exactly  _ why _ she was crying. Leaving Liam was inevitable. She was beginning to realize that even if Josh hadn’t come back from the dead, she would have left Liam. Maybe not this year. Maybe not even ten years. But at some point, she would have left him.

She was free; free to live her life without his expectations. Free of the wedding. Free of the possibility of ever being Sam Graham… no doctor’s title on that name would ever make it sound any less silly.

But more than anything, she was free to put her all into helping Josh remember who he was. But… because he didn’t know who he was, and he was seemingly still hurt from her rejecting him at the beach, Sam felt nothing more than loneliness for now.  

When she had dropped him off at his apartment he could hardly look at her, save for one sad, longing glance after he got out of her car, his jaw slack as though he wanted to say something to her, but instead he just shut the car door and took himself inside. If Sam hadn’t already been in such a hurry to get home and face Liam, she would have followed him.

It was so strange, too. Her first instinct after she finally left Liam was to call Josh. That’s what she would have done years ago; he was always her first call. It was peculiar to her how old habits like that came back as though no time had passed at all. No matter what, he was always there… and then he just  _ wasn’t _ .

She remembered one time in particular when she called upon him, always showing up to rescue her. It was back when she was a junior in highschool and Jessica called her up one evening to force her into going to a concert with her. Sam had a very sneaking suspicion that she was  _ not  _ the first on Jess’ list of invitees, given the fact that they had very little in common, but by the time she reached Sam she practically sounded desperate.

“Come with me, Sam,  _ pleeeaaasse?”  _ Jessica begged on the other end of the phone.

Sam sighed and pressed a hand over her eyes as she laid in bed, “I dunno, Jess…”

“It’s The Pussycat Dolls, how can you pass this once in a lifetime opportunity up?!” Jess sounded a bit harsh as she asked this question, like she was totally going to judge Sam forever if she turned it down.

Sam moaned lowly, hating how she always backed herself into these corners because it was so hard for her to say no to her friends, “What time does the concert start?”

“Eight!”

Looking at her phone for the time, her eyes widened, “But Jess, it’s already past six!”

“I know, I’m on my way to pick you up right now! Wear something cute!” And before Sam could get another word in, Jess dropped the call. Sam reluctantly but immediately got up to begin searching for an outfit. It’s not like she didn’t like The Pussycat Dolls, and it wasn’t like she didn’t like Jess, but she never hung out with the bubbly blonde alone before. She knew how wild she could get, and it made her nervous about what he was going to witness at the concert.

She ended up just picking out a light blue tank top with a dark blue plaid skirt over black tights; and tennis shoes to remain comfortable. Jess did not look pleased with her choice when she picked her up.

“I’ll fix you up when we get there,” Jess told her confidently. Her driving scared the shit out of Sam and she constantly wondered how she didn’t get pulled over for going twenty miles plus over the speed limit. Jess just got her license a few months ago but obviously already forgot everything she learned.

Besides Beth and Hannah, Sam was the only one without a driver’s license yet. She would be turning sixteen in two weeks on August 31st, but until then, she was at the mercy of people like Jess.

When they arrived at the concert, Jess took Sam’s tennis shoes from her, along with her tights, then unclipped her hair. She had pins on hand to leave a few more inches between the bottom of Sam’s skirt and her knees. She added a  _ small  _ amount of makeup to Sam (which left Sam horrified when she looked in the passenger side mirror—as someone who hardly wore makeup at all, she thought she looked way too different). Then Jess handed her heels, which were about a half size too small to fit properly.

When they got out of the car, Jess pulled down Sam’s tank top, “Show off that cleavage, girl.”

Sam pulled her shirt up again when Jess turned around to hand in their tickets. Jess was showing off enough cleavage for the both of them. And Sam’s feet were already hurting.

It didn’t take long for a group of guys to make their way over to them. Jess soaked up the attention, but Sam just wanted them to go away.

At one point, Jess noticed how uncomfortable Sam was when one of the guys kept trying to put an arm around her. She grabbed her to start dancing with her, talking loudly over the music.

_ “I keep it steady uh-steady, that’s how I do it. Jai Ho! This beat is heavy, so heavy, you gonna feel it!” _

“Loosen up, Sam! He just thinks you’re cute and wants to dance!”

Sam forced a laugh, glad, though, that it was Jess’ hands on her arms now, “I’m not here for that.”

Jess smiled and leaned in close to her, “Josh isn’t here; he doesn’t have to know!”

Sam snapped her head back like Jess slapped her, “This has nothing to do with Josh!”

Jess only rolled her eyes, “Look, I get it! He’s a total cutie, but you guys aren’t dating, right?”

“No, but…” Before Sam could get anything else out, Jess was turning them back to the group of guys that were looking way too pleased with seeing the two girls dance together. Still, Sam tried to enjoy the concert as best she could though she was with someone she had very little in common with.

About time the concert ended, Jess had been invited to a party by the group of guys and was itching to go. She begged Sam to come along as well, but Sam was adamant about wanting to go home instead.

“But if I took you home, it’ll be like…two  _ hours  _ before I get to the party!” Jess whined, the sadness and desperation in her eyes not going unnoticed by Sam. And, though she was certain her mom was going to kill her, Sam hated feeling like a burden and agreed to go to the party.

Still, simply pulling up to the house and seeing people walking around with alcohol made her too nervous to go inside. Before she lost Jessica, she told her that she was going to call for a ride home. And though Jessica acted disappointed, Sam was sure she wouldn’t even miss her.

She thought about calling her mom, but it was close to midnight and her mom was already at work and didn’t want to trouble her. So she called Josh, hoping he actually had his phone near him at this late hour.

The phone only rang once before he picked up, “ _ Samantha!  _ Talk to me, dah’ling!” He used an over the top accent of an old rich female as portrayed in movies.

“Hey, what are you doing?” She asked simply, crossing her arms across her chest as she spoke when she saw some guys eyeing her as they walked by.

“Watching a movie with—.”

“Come over, Sam!” Hannah called from the background, “We’re forcing Josh to watch chick flicks!”

“And he _ loves  _ them!” Beth chimed in.

“Ugh, I just c _ an’t  _ believe she put herself out there like that!” He said dramatically but it made her smile.

“I, uhh…I’m sorry to interrupt such an  _ awesome  _ moment, but—.”

A random guy suddenly whistled at her, yelling a, “Come inside so I can warm you up!” before a whole group of people burst into laughter.

“Who the hell was that?” Josh asked, his tone suddenly serious and dark.

She sighed, “Jess dragged me to a concert and then to this party, but I don’t wanna be h—.”

“Give me the address, I’ll be right there.”

Sam could hear Beth and Hannah’s worried voices asking Josh what was going on as she gave him the house number and street name.

“Don’t hang up, we’ll talk to you as we make our way there,” he told her, finally putting the phone on speaker so she could hear all three of them as they piled into his car.

“ _ Saaaam,  _ why would you go to a concert with Jess? If you were bored, you coulda called me!” Hannah whined.

“Don’t guilt trip her!” Beth argued, “What concert was it, Sam?”

“Pussycat Dolls,” Sam said absently as she went to Jessica’s car to get her tights and tennis shoes, but Jess had the doors locked and Sam didn’t even want to try to find her inside the house.

_ “I’m tellin’ you, loosen up my buttons, baby,”  _ Hannah sang.

_ “Uh-huh!”  _ Beth chimed in.

_ “Sayin’ what you gonn’ do to me!”  _ Hannah continued.

_ “Uh-huh!” _

“St _ oooo _ p!” Josh groaned. The three of them made Sam laugh and she was so glad she decided to call him.

Hannah and Beth went on and on about what movies they forced Josh to watch that night as payback since he was always making them watch horror movies. Josh talked about how every single one of them had the exact same plot and characters, but Hannah and Beth argued that it was the same with horror films.

They got to her in about forty-five minutes, Sam eagerly slipping into the backseat with Hannah, “Thanks  _ so  _ much, you guys!”

Hannah looked out her window, “Looks like a lot of fun!”

“Don’t even think about it,” Beth and Josh said in unison from the front seats.

“Whatever,” Hannah mumbled but quickly forgot about it, “You wanna spend the night, Sam?”

‘Definitely,” she answered, already texting her mom that she was staying the night with Hannah.

“We gotta figure out what we’re doing for your birthday,” Hannah went on; Sam was used to how quickly her mind moved and how she could jump from one conversation to another in a mere second.

“We’re gonna show her the time of her life, that’s what!” Josh declared, catching her eyes briefly in the rearview mirror. They smiled at each other, their eyes saying much more in those few seconds than all the words that were currently being spoken.

“Obviously! But we need a plan—you wanna get a tattoo?’ Hannah asked, “I plan on getting one for my birthday next month.”

“Mom and Dad know about that?” Beth asked, turning around to face her.

Hannah nodded quickly, “Yeah, they said it’s better than getting a piercing somewhere.”

Josh laughed, “Hann, you hate needles, how are you gonna get a tattoo?”

“They’re two _ very  _ different things, Josh,” she commented. She turned back to Sam, “So what do ya think? Want to?”

Sam pursed her lips as she thought about it, “Mm…don’t think tattoos are really my thing.”

“Okay, well…we can always get a hot guy to jump out of a cake.”

Beth giggled from the mental image, “I think that’s only for bachelorette parties.”

“Oh my, God,  _ Sam,  _ can you imagine how much fun your bachelorette party will be?!” Hannah exclaimed.

“Why are we talking about a bachelorette party for Sam?” Josh asked.

“I’m not getting married until I’m a _ t least  _ thirty,” Sam announced, kicking off Jess’ heels that kept bothering her feet.

“Wow, Sam, way to ruin his night.” Hannah commented.

“Huh?” Sam asked in complete confusion, but it made Hannah and Beth burst into a fit of giggles.

“I think you guys watched too many of those awful chick flicks,” Josh said above his sisters’ laughter.

His eyes met with Sam’s in the mirror again as they both listened to the twins laugh at some inside joke.

_ “You know they’re talking about you, right?”  _ her eyes said.

With a roll of his eyes and a smirk, his eyes spoke back, “ _ I don’t mind waiting.” _

* * *

Sam spent the entire weekend a hermit, unable to bring herself to do anything productive. She had so much going on in her head that her instinct was to remain immobile, at least while she tried to sort it all out. 

Her phone had been eerily quiet, nothing from Josh - not that she could particularly  _ blame  _ him. She tried to stop thinking about the hurt in his eyes when she turned him down, then worse when she called him the wrong name. She’d been  _ so _ careful… 

So getting to work on Monday morning was a gamble. She had no idea if Josh would come to his appointment, and then she wondered if he would ever come back at all. What if he left? What if he disappeared on her again? She began to feel panic growing inside of her at the mere thought of losing him again.

“ _ Come in _ ,” Sam called out a little too eagerly when she heard the quiet knocking on her office door. The door clicked open and to her relief she saw Josh standing there, lingering in the doorway for a moment before he averted his eyes to the ground and walked silently to the couch and sat down. “You came,” she breathed. Josh’s eyes slowly rose from the ground, then honed in on her face, drinking in her features.

“You’ve been crying,” he observed, tilting his head slightly. “Why?” She could see his eyes fall to her naked hand, devoid of an engagement ring as he answered his own question in his head. She tried to ignore the way his lips wanted to smile… and worse that hers did, too. “Trouble in paradise?” he dared. Sam closed her eyes, exhaling as she tried to gather her thoughts, then opened them again.

“We should just stick to you today, okay Elliot?”

“I thought I got to pick what we do,” he smirked, crossing his arms defiantly across his chest and leaning back into the cushions of the couch. Sam regretted ever making that deal with him. “Why’d you leave him?”

“How do you know he didn’t leave  _ me _ ?” Sam challenged, to which he replied with a slight shrug.

“First of all, anyone would be  _ crazy _ to leave you,” he reasoned as he picked at a loose thread on his jeans, but then looked like he regretted saying it. She hated how odd things felt now. He cleared his throat. “And I… I think he was too comfortable to ever leave you,” Josh deduced, matter-of-factly, and although she was curious as to why he would think that, she didn’t want to encourage him any further. It didn’t matter, he pressed on anyway. “How’s he holding up? I know I’d be pretty wrecked…” Although Sam was madly in love with Josh, she was becoming increasingly irritated with  _ Elliot _ right now. Was this his revenge for turning him away at the beach?   

“I don’t know, I haven’t talked to him,” she said through gritted teeth, wishing he would just drop it. But then Sam made a mental note of how strange it was that she  _ hadn’t  _ heard from Liam; it had been a few days, now. She wasn’t expecting him to pine and wallow over her, but she’d called him a couple times to try to arrange to get some more of her things and his phone seemed to be off -- she was with him for enough years to know Liam  _ never  _ had his phone off. Work was far too important. She certainly wouldn’t miss  _ that. _

“I  _ think _ …” he mused, his tongue resting on the roof of his mouth. He held his hand to his chin as though he were pondering something deeply profound. “I think that you just need to get out and get your mind off of everything…” 

Sam snorted, “Oh, you _ think  _ so?”

“Yep,” Josh nodded. He stood, nearing Sam at her desk. “I think you should come do something with me tonight,” he suggested. Sam held her breath the closer he got. He spun her chair to make her face him, a hand on each of her armrests. Sam felt her heart speed up, a wave of heat rolling over her entire body. Since when had he become so brazen with her? He had a strange confidence behind him now… one that reminded her much more of Josh than it ever did Elliot. 

“ _ Elliot _ ,” she warned.

“Oh, hey, you got my name right,” he said in mock surprise. Sam rolled her eyes, but he didn’t seem deterred, his intense eyes gazing down at her. She had never in her life been able to say no to those eyes. If he knew that, he would surely be taking full advantage of that whenever he could.“I mean… it’s only  _ one _ kinda wrong now that Liam’s gone…” He was dangerously close now, so Sam reached up and put her hands on his chest, gently pushing him back from her ever so slightly - it took every bit of willpower inside of her to do that. Memories of their kiss only days before flashed through her mind, and it was almost as if she could still taste him. 

“Liam or _ not _ , I’m still your doctor,” she explained in almost a whisper.

“ _ You’re fired _ ,” he quipped cleverly, as though that would magically keep Sam out of hot water for wanting to bed a patient. He sighed, took a step back, his hands held up in surrender. “I’ll be good, I _ promise _ ,” he assured, crossing his heart over his chest - the doctor in Sam couldn’t help but note it was on the wrong side. 

“I don’t think you know  _ how _ to be good.”

“I just think you need to let loose, is all. Get out of your own head,” he deduced, making his way back over to the couch and plopping back down. “Maybe shed some of that baggage you seem to be carrying around…”

“Since when did you start shrinking me?” Sam asked through a crooked eyebrow. 

“Since I realized you needed me to,” he retorted, and Sam folded her lips to keep from saying anything more. This was nuts. Insane, even. How was she even entertaining the idea of this…

“When and where?” she uttered before she could stop herself. 

“ _ Atta’ girl _ ,” he grinned victoriously, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. “I’ll even let you call me Josh,” he joked, seemingly unaware just how dark and macabre that was, until he noticed that Sam wasn’t laughing, her cheeks flushed. “Sorry,” he hiccuped quickly. Sam shook it off. It was interesting to see that Elliot and Josh both seemed to have the same inappropriate and slightly twisted sense of humor. 

“We will have  _ one _ drink…  _ one _ ,” Sam said sternly, then sighed, already knowing she would live to regret this decision but literally unable to stop herself. “And then we go home-” she spotted the glint of hope in his eyes. “ _ Seperately _ ,” she clarified, almost wanting to laugh at his eagerness. She folded her arms over her chest and sunk into her chair, only partly wishing she could take it all back… but sitting there across from her was everything she’d ever wanted since she was thirteen and she could almost reach out and grab it. Her mind began to race, wondering if perhaps she could refer him to a colleague before anything else serious happened. “And listen, this is totally unethical and wrong-”

“Quit it, you’re just making me want it all the more,” he teased with a chuckle in the back of his throat, and Sam tried not to let her mind wander too far into what exactly  _ ‘it’  _ was.

“That’s  _ not  _ being good,” she scolded. He dropped his head to the side innocently, but she wasn’t fooled. “I’m serious, this is not a  _ date _ . I could lose my license for this.” His eyes widened with acknowledgement that this wasn’t a joke to her. 

“Okay,” he finally said after a moment, followed with an understanding nod. “Secret’s safe with me.”

* * *

  
_To Be Continued..._


	12. Hello, Friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reminder: This chapter contains lots of wonderful, sweaty, amazing "Adult Content". If you are a youngin' or not comfortable with that, look away.

 

Sam walked into the bar, the loud music deafening her when she exited the quietness of the street outside. Her skinny jeans and wedges made her look five inches taller than she actually was, gaining her attention from a lot of the college guys. It had been years since she’d been out in a setting like this, but she tried to keep her confidence. She straightened her dark blue blazer and flipped her wavy hair behind her shoulders before walking to the bar.

“What can I get you?” the bartender asked immediately, leaning over the counter toward her.

Sam looked around quickly, wondering if Josh was already there. She didn’t see him, so asked for a Gin on the rocks as she waited.

“You here alone?” A young man asked, probably about 23 years old. He sat down in the stool in next to her.

_‘Wow, guys don’t waste any time, do they?’_ She smiled politely at him as she grabbed her drink, “No, I’m waiting for someone.”

“It’s never nice to keep a lady waiting,” he said in what was probably his best suave voice, but it only made Sam want to laugh.

She was grateful when she saw Josh walk in at that moment. He was in his blue jeans, but he left the hoodie behind and simply sported a nice fitting black shirt. Her heart skipped a beat when their eyes met, and she gave a quick finger wave. He smiled and quickly made his way over to her, and Sam stood up when he reached her.

He looked down her legs when she came up to his chin, “I see you grew a few inches.”

She laughed, “You might lose me in the crowd otherwise.”

He shook his head, “Nah, you stand out from every other girl in here.”

She blushed at his compliment and sat down on a stool over from where she was, that way Josh could take her seat and be in between her and the other guy that was just staring at them. But Josh didn’t even seem to notice and all of her attention was now on him as well.

“You clean up nice,” She complimented in return, and she swore she was smiling so hard that she could hardly feel her face.

“Figured I might have some competition tonight, so I wanted to stand a fighting chance,” he joked, telling the bartender that he would just have beer when he was asked.

Sam wanted to tell him that there was never any competition; he was and always will be the one and only. But she couldn’t tell him that. Not yet anyway. She watched him take a sip of his beer, his eyes glancing over at her. He chuckled while finishing his sip, covering his mouth to keep from spitting any out.

“Why are smiling like that?” He asked even though his smile matched hers.

She could only shake her head and shrug as he smile stayed, “I guess it’s just…kinda nice starting a new chapter in my life.”

He clinked their drinks together, “Awesome; I’m glad you decided to come out with me tonight. I know we kind of left off awkwardly at your friends’ house…” he said, as if it were the most casual thing in the world. As if it wasn’t about the fact that he kissed his doctor while she was engaged and she liked it.

Sam shook her head and waved it off, “Please, let’s not worry about that, okay? And you don’t have to keep calling Chris and Ash _my_ friends. You got along with Chris, didn’t you?”

Josh nodded, “Yeah, actually… he gave me his number. Said I could call him whenever.”

“Aww, look at you!” She teased, nudging him in his side, “You got your first _bro-ty_ call lined up.”

He just looked at her, shaking his head before saying, “Don’t ever say that again,” but he lost his composure at the end of his sentence and laughed with her at her lame _bro language_ attempt.

Sam couldn’t remember the last time she saw that large of a smile on Josh’s face. It was well before the twins’ disappearance—and twelve plus years was _way_ too long to go without seeing a smile like Josh’s.

And before she knew it, they were having one funny conversation after another. He would tell her what happened in some of his off the wall classes he took, and she in return would tell him about her college days. She made sure to not go back any further than that. From her latest slip up at Chris’ when Josh kissed her and she called him by the name he didn’t know was his, she was a bit nervous about mentioning any Josh memories around him. The last thing she wanted was to make him uncomfortable and feel awkward again. This night wasn’t for that, she reasoned. Especially when she could tell that this was the first time in a long time (maybe the first night in _Elliot’s_ life) that he was able to simply enjoy himself. She didn’t want this to end for him-or for her.

So she ordered them another round of drinks. She could see in Josh’s eyes that he wanted to tease her about her _one drink_ rule she made earlier, but didn’t want to give her that reminder. All rules and restrictions were suddenly thrown out the window.

She thought that maybe there was a different route she could take. Was there even another route? She wanted to find out.

“You want to dance?” she found herself asking him after their fifth drink. They had been chatting for well over an hour and she was itching to move around.

“Oh, I don’t…don’t really dance…” he said a bit shyly.

“Sure you do!” She countered, grabbing his hand and pulling him out where a few other couples were also dancing and having a good time. He resisted a little and when she turned to him, he looked very out of place. But she began swaying her hips, raising her arms above her head.

_“You…touch me and it’s breaking me down, and me down, and me down…”_

She shimmied her body down to the beat of the music, smiling when Josh still only stood in front of her, seemingly already hypnotized by her moves.

_“I’m telling you…let’s just give it up and get down, and get down, and get down…”_

She kind of felt bad for him at this point because he really looked lost, so she took his hands and placed them on her hips. Her arms went around his shoulders where her hands clasped behind his neck as she swung her hips.

_“So come on—won’t you give me something to remember? Baby, shut your mouth and turn me inside out. Even though we couldn’t make this last forever, Baby—! You know what I want right now…”_

His eyes were so intense as she danced with him, and she could feel his fingers digging into her hips, and it made her remember the night at Chris’ when he knocked on her door and grabbed her and kissed her. The thought made her glance down at his lips and lick her own. It felt so perfect to kiss him the other night—yet she knew that it really wasn’t _Josh_ she was kissing. Still, it felt like him. Everything on the outside was him, and even a lot on the inside—he said a lot of things Josh said or would say. Josh was still somewhere in there, begging her to get him out.

Sam realized how close their mouths were, so abruptly flipped herself around. His hands stayed on her hips as she faced away from him, and she wrapped her one arm around his neck as her head rested back on his shoulder.

_“You’re the only one who ever drove me crazy! ‘Cause you know me inside out…”_

This dance position forced him to move at least a little bit with her and she laughed when he really did look like he was trying.

“Don’t focus so hard!” She told him over the music and she sucked in a deep breath when his hand traveled across her tummy to hold her closer to him.

“I don’t even know _what_ to focus on,” he admitted, casually pressing his face to the side of hers and she could feel his smile against her cheek.

_“Tell me how we got in this position—guess I gotta get you outta my system. Trying to let you go but it’s not that easy…”_

“Me,” she said briefly, her eyes teasingly wandering up to meet his. _God, his eyes are even more_

_gorgeous up close._ Her lips parted and she leaned her head forward a bit. Their mouths were almost touching, and his grip that tightened on her let her know that he was very willing.

But he wasn’t about to make that move again and it was all on her. And she thought about everything she went through in the past few days—kissing Josh again and breaking up with her fiancé. Then everything within the last month—meeting Elliot and finding out the truth about Josh. Then everything within the past ten years—trying her best to live a normal life and get past knowing she would never be with Josh. Then everything since she was thirteen-years-old and falling hard for her best friend’s older brother.

She waited so long for Josh…was she really going to let more time pass before she allowed them to be together? What if he didn’t get his memories back for months—years? …ever? She would end up hating herself. Because— _this WAS Josh she was with!_ But no…this was Elliot. He couldn’t share any long ago memories with her, but he could create new ones with her. He was sweet, handsome as hell…and everything she’d been looking for in someone since she lost Josh.

Before she could make a decision on whether to kiss him or not, the song ended and it flowed perfectly into a slower song. Everyone else left the dancefloor, obviously not feeling the slow jams of the night, but Sam simply turned herself around and placed her hands on his shoulders to continue dancing.

_“There’s nothing I could say to you, nothing I could ever do to make you see…what you mean to me…All the pain, the tears I cried; still you never said goodbye and now I know…how far you’d go…”_

She smiled softly at him and pressed her forehead to his, closing her eyes and getting lost in the moment.

_“I know I let you down; but it’s not like that now. This time I’ll never let you go…I will be—all that you want, and get myself together…cause you keep me from falling apart.”_

Her heart raced from the lyrics. She slowly opened her eyes and found that his were closed. She licked her lips and spoke: “Elliot.”

He opened his eyes upon hearing his name and she completely melted. Everything she ever did in her life was because of him and somehow got her to this point. She was his psychologist, yes, but if she wasn’t, he would have never walked back into her life, the universe wittingly giving them the second chance that should have been impossible. She was willing to lose _everything_ if it meant she could gain him.

Without another thought, she closed the gap between them. Their lips met and he pulled her closer. She ran her hand into his hair; their mouths moved perfectly together and she suddenly felt like she couldn’t get enough of him. She wanted to feel his hands all over her, and for his lips to leave a trail down her body.

He must have sensed all this, or just felt the same way, because before she knew it, his hand was cupping her cheek, his thumb running over the smoothness of her skin as he parted with her only slightly, their lips moving together as he spoke, “Should we get outta here?”

She let out a low breath but nodded quickly, before she could change her mind, grasping onto him as they walked to the bar to pay their tab.

_“You’re the one thing I got right, the only one I let inside, now I can breathe…cause you’re here with me…”_

She already felt breathless at the looks he was giving her—his eyes held so much love for her she

thought she would burst, and kissing him again was the only thing she could do to survive.

They made their way outside where thankfully there were taxis lined up waiting to take drunken fools home. He picked one, opening the back door for her; she slid in, but stayed in the middle so when he was in, she was sitting close to him.

“Did you…want to go back to my place for awhile? I live close and—.”

“Yes,” she stopped him before he could ramble or elaborate. Taxis had upgraded in 2024, and there was a barrier between the back and front seat. Josh pressed a button and said his address, sticking a credit card in a slot that would automatically charge it based on miles. Sam watched him the whole time, her eyes never leaving him, so when he leaned back in his seat again, she turned her body toward him; her lips found his jaw and her leg went between his.

His hand gripped her thigh, bringing her leg closer and the friction it immediately created between them was addicting. His other hand got lost in all her hair, his lips pressing hard to hers before he parted them with his tongue to taste her. She welcomed it, a tiny moan getting muffled between them. She ran her hand up his chest until her fingers found the side of neck, her nails digging in gently but with enough pressure to let him know that she could hardly wait for what was to come.

She wished she could concentrate on a certain thought, but the way his thumb was rubbing dangerously close to her inner thigh made it hard to focus. She just kept thinking about that skirt that she considered wearing and what actually could be happening at that moment if she did.

Thankfully, he really did live pretty close to the bar and before she knew it, there was a dinging that let them know they arrived at their destination. He blindly pulled the card from the slot and opened the door, practically falling out when she continued to lean on and hold onto him.

They laughed as they stumbled out of the taxi and onto the street, jogging up to his apartment’s front door where he then tried to find the key to get in.

She noticed that his hands were shaking as he jingled through his keys, but it only made her giggle more; she stood on her tiptoes and kissed the skin beside his ear before telling him lowly, “Relax—it’s just me.”

He gave her a look that very obviously said ‘ _But you are_ **_everything’_ ** and it made her feel both empty and full somehow. Then he leaned down and kissed her softly and she knew this was Elliot’s way of telling her that he thought the world of her. She tugged her lips up, silently taking his keys from him and unlocking the door, then taking his hand as she walked backwards down the hall.

His eyes showed his disbelief that this was actually happening and Sam was feeling it, too. She couldn’t even count the number of times she dreamed of being with Josh again…

There was only once that she _actually_ had.

Back on that night at the beachhouse, laying together and listening to the waves crash on the sand in front of them, hypnotizing in its nature.

“I’m gonna miss you too, kid,” he’d said.

And she wished time would just stop. She wished the ocean waves would freeze and the sun would allow the moon to stay forever in the sky. If only she could convince Josh to become a beach bum with her. They could forget about college and jobs and the world that was trying to separate them.

And for awhile, she thought the universe was granting her wish. Josh continued to hold her close to him, her ear against his chest as she listened to him deeply hum a song.

But then time was broken when she heard their friends calling for them. She could hear the drunken silliness in all their voices, and she could only imagine which one of them noticed that her and Josh had been gone for a few hours and decided they should drag them back to the party (or simply drag the party to them).

“Oh no, they’re coming!” Josh whispered harshly like he was talking about aliens coming to abduct them. He stumbled to his feet as fast as he could in his slightly buzzed state, the sand making his legs heavier and he accidentally fell forward.

Sam giggled, his playfulness contagious as she scrambled to her feet as well. She reached out for his arm to try to maintain her balance, trying to hold back her loud laughter when they both fell to the sand again.

“We need to hide!” He told her urgently as they heard the voices in the dark getting closer to them.

“Sam! Josh!” Hannah called.

“Where are you guys?” Jess shouted to them.

“It’s time for another round of shots!” Mike tried to lure.

Josh grabbed Sam’s hand as they raced along the edge of the water, their bare feet splashing wet sand up their legs. It was hard to keep her balance while giggling and being dragged by Josh, and her toes got caught up in some heavy sand and she tumbled down into the shallow water. She instinctively held his hand tighter, causing him to fall with her.

He laughed, deep and carefree, their clothes now soaked.

“I never knew you were so clumsy,” he told her, his fingers wiping away wet strands of hair from her face.

“You know I don’t normally drink!” she countered giddily.

“Maybe they’re still in the house somewhere?” Emily shouted out to the others.

“Think they’re finally boning?” Mike asked causing a few of them to laugh loudly.

Sam blushed and was glad it was so dark out. It was hardly like Josh even noticed what was said though, as he helped her to her feet. She could see the glint in his eyes and the smile on his face as he pulled her to him, their wet bodies colliding as he squeezed her harder than he ever did before.

“Come on, before they find us,” he said lowly though Sam was almost certain that their friends were giving up looking for them outside. He kept her hand as they walked away from the water, and up ahead Sam could see an old lifeguard tower.

Her heart sped up but she tried to hide her nervousness and excitement when she said, “There better not be some crazy prank waiting for me in there.”

“Prank?” He glanced at her through the dark, his head cocked; “What’s a prank?”

“Uh-huh,” she mocked, making her steps bigger to stay beside her as she bravely interlaced their fingers.

They made it to the tower, steep steps leading up to the open door entrance. He let her go in front of him, giving a quick, “Watch your step, m’lady.”

She rolled her eyes but squinted in order to see each step, “I think I can handle some stairs.”

Her palms were getting sweaty the closer she got to the top. She had no idea why Josh led her there or what it would mean for them. She wondered if he wanted time to stop as well and this was his escape. Maybe they could fall asleep in each other’s arms until the bright orange sunrise woke them up the next morning.

But she found herself wanting more than just falling asleep next to him. Despite how chilled her skin felt under her wet clothes, she felt warm with an eagerness she couldn’t quite place. And when they made it to the top of the steps, she looked over to him; her heart swelled with both love and sorrow, never imagining the two could go hand in hand.

She was going to miss him. He was her person and him leaving was like getting ripped in half.

Josh walked inside the dark tower, feeling along the side of the wall for something.

“Sam?”

She stayed at the entrance, her eyes trying to adjust, “Yes, Josh?”

“I was wondering…” He trailed off.

“What?” She asked with curiosity in her voice.

Then he flicked on a lantern, a dull light making it possible to finally see. He held it below his face, his eyes wide, “Wanna tell scary stories?”

She grinned, finally walking into the tower and looking around. It was a small, basic one. Three buoys hung on the wall, along with some rope, a first aid kits, blankets. She grabbed one of the blankets, glad it smelled more like the salty ocean than musty, and flipped it open to lay it on the wooden floor. Then she grabbed another one and wrapped it around herself; she sat down, her arm out to welcome him into the warmth.

“You do realize this is how horror movies start, right?” He said but took a seat next to her anyway. He sat the lantern down beside the blanket then leaned back against the wall.

Sam shrugged absently, her shoulder touching his, “Pretty sure I could survive a horror movie.”

He shook his head lazily, his eyes glancing down at her, “Sorry to say, Sammy, but the hot blonde is usually the first to go.”

“Only if she takes off all her clothes,” she countered.

Josh chuckled, “Touché.” They remained silent for a long moment, simply enjoying the company and the soft sounds of the ocean outside, “For what it’s worth, I think you could still survive with no clothes on, Sammy.”

“Thanks, Josh,” she said, dropping her head to his shoulder, both of them staring out inside the blackness that seemed very enveloping. It was like looking out into the unknown—there was no way of knowing what the other side held, but she felt safe and content sitting next to Josh. The feel of him next to her reminded her that he wasn’t gone yet. That there was still time.

“Hey, Josh?” she asked so quietly he wouldn’t have heard her if he wasn’t right next to her.

“Hmm?” He hummed. She raised her head to look at him; his eyes were closed, he looked content. Relaxed. At home. She was going to miss seeing his face—she saw him almost everyday since she was thirteen. That’s five years of her life she gave completely to him. And he gave to her.

Completely.

_So…_

Before she could stop herself, she was saying: “I want you to be my first.”

He cracked an eye open, staring at her expectant but terrified face. That’s how he knew she was serious. She melted when his eyes softened, his thumb tracing over her cheek, seeming in awe at how silky her skin was, “ _Sam_ …do you know how hard it would be when I leave then…?”

“I don’t care,” she said definitely, and she was surprised at her own brazenness. She turned slightly so she could look directly at him; her heart was damn near pounding out of her chest and her mind was on autopilot.

“No…” he clarified, “I meant for _me_ …” Her heart dropped to her stomach when he sighed lowly. He leaned forward, their foreheads almost touching, “You are—…”

He trailed off. Sam waited for him to finish but he couldn’t seem to find the words. But then she saw him shaking his head quickly, as if trying to shake himself of something, or talk himself out of it. He leaned away from her and panic fluttered in her stomach. She _couldn’t_ let him say no. Without another thought, she leaned in and kissed him, her lips finding his with ease. She had been wanting to feel this again for over a year.

His lips moved against hers almost cautiously. With bravery she didn’t know she possessed, she raised herself up on her knees before swinging one leg over him. She was straddling him, their mouths parting but it was like he was breathing life into her, his dark eyes searching hers in the dimly lit tower.

And everything that they ever built together, all of those fragmented moments, suddenly flashed before her eyes and it was like a million fireworks going off around her. He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her against him, his lips crashing onto hers in a desperate frenzy; it was as though a part of him thought it best to talk themselves out of this, but the other half had wanted this too long to deny it any longer.

Her hands were in his hair, her fingers clenching when his tongue found hers. But then she was pressing forward, her mouth covering all of his, her body sinking down to rest directly on top of his. Her center rested on his lap and she felt him pulling away. She tried following him, her lips _needing_ his, but he chuckled quickly, grabbing her face and pushing her gently from him.

“What’s wrong?” she asked breathlessly, her lips feeling swollen and tingly already.

He shook his head, silently telling her nothing was wrong. His hands went into her thick hair, pushing it over her shoulders. He leaned forward, pressing his lips to her neck though without kissing, much like he did earlier.

“You’re really gonna make it _impossible_ to leave,” he said against her, his voice somber.

She held him tightly, wanting to be selfish and tell him to stay—to hold off on college until she graduated high school and could go with him. But that wasn’t written in the stars; she couldn’t ask that because she knew he’d oblige.

So instead she said: “Or give you something to look forward to when you come back…”

Sam felt him smile against her, and she was prepared for a silly comment, but what she wasn’t prepared for, was his lips suddenly moving on her neck, his mouth sucking on a sensitive spot below her ear.

Her eyes rolled to the back of her head, her skin tightening at the sensation. She involuntarily cocked her head to give him better access, her mouth dropping open in bliss as he continued to focus on the sweet spot.

“Josh…” his name escaped her throat and as if just hearing her say his name was all he needed, she felt him harden between them, his hands gripping onto her hips as he pressed her down. She cried out in pleasure when her thighs tightened around him, her hips moving just enough to create friction and elicit a moan from him.

She shivered at the sound and it was all she could do to tear his lips from her neck so she could kiss him in wild abandonment. His hands found her thighs, his thumbs rubbing circles dangerously close to her inner thighs. Then he was breaking away from her, their breaths coming out ragged and harsh.

“You’re gonna have to slow down,” he breathed, letting out a quick laugh, “I’m not gonna make it to the end otherwise.”

“Oh, come now, Josh…” she teased, licking her lips as she grinded against him, though she was hardly responsible for her body’s actions, “I’m sure you’ve done this _plenty_ of times.”

His eyes locked with hers and it was all he had to do to tell her that he never slept with another girl before.

Her eyes narrowed briefly, in shock, her hands cupping his face, her whispered breath allowing a, “ _Really_ …?”

He chuckled, kissing the side of her mouth then her jaw, “Don’t act _too_ surprised, you’ll make me think you thought I was some sort of man whore.”

She felt like there was too much happiness and passion in her heart, and that it could simply explode any second. She wasn’t sure if she always knew that Josh wasn’t one to just sleep around or if she was just trying to protect herself from the thought of him being with someone else. Maybe in some part of her, the part she was obviously protecting, she knew that the two of them would eventually end up here together, giving that very last bit to each other.

Slowly, she brought their lips together again, this time slow and caring, as if she suddenly realized she wanted to experience every second of this in slow agonizing motion.

She found the zipper to his hoodie, the sound of metal separating filling the silence until that low _ting_ that indicated she reached the bottom hit her ears. He leaned forward, shaking himself free of his hoodie while Sam’s hands found their way to his damp t-shirt. She wiggled it up a bit, helping him get the shirt over his head that was trying to act like a second layer of skin. Her fingers skimmed his abs and she watched him suck in a breath at her touch.

Josh didn’t look like all those guys that took up the movie screen—he didn’t have a six pack or large muscles. But seeing his flat stomach, and being able to run her hands down his arms that were always perfect at holding her, was enough to make her stomach twirl with anticipation. She leaned forward and pressed her mouth to his chest, and she could feel his heart beating wildly against her lips.

“Be gentle with me, it’s my first time,” he uttered jokingly, never one to spoil an opportunity to ruin a moment. Sam looked up at him, a smile spreading across her lips before she leaned back down and kissed his chest once more. She could feel his hands running up and down the length of her arms, gripping, touching. She began to pepper kisses down his stomach, all the way down to the hem of his jeans. Sam brought her shaking hands to the button of his pants, suddenly aware of just how real this was now, before she sat up, almost losing her nerve.

“Sam, we do _not_ have to do this if you’ve changed your mind,” Josh assured, sitting up now to comfort her. She could see in his eyes that although he was being a perfect gentleman, a part of him was praying that she wasn’t having second thoughts. He glanced around the old lifeguard tower, Sam still straddling his knees as she bit her thumbnail, nervously. “I mean… I know that this probably isn’t how you pictured it… I’m sure you had your heart set on candles and… well, a _bed_ …” he added dryly. Sam felt another smile creep across her face as she saw the sudden lack of confidence in his eyes; Josh was usually so cocky.

“No,” she said quietly, crawling back up to the place that felt right on his lap. She clasped her hands behind his neck, her thumbs gently rubbing across the smoothness of his skin as she found his eyes with hers. “This is actually _exactly_ how I pictured it,” she chuckled, lowly. They laughed nervously together before things felt incredibly real again. “Josh… It’s perfect because it’s with _you_ ,” she assured, as though that was just what Josh needed. He kissed her again. He pressed forward, farther and farther, guiding Sam backward until her back lay flush against the blanket.

Sam tried to empty her mind as she lay beneath him, crushed beneath the pressure of his body. After a few moments of awkward stiffness, his hands began to roam her body more comfortably, trailing down her sides, her hips, her thighs. Sam groaned when his hands slinked under her knees, helping her wrap them around his waist, holding her close to him as his lips trailed down her neck again. Sam felt like she was in heaven, her body beginning to come awake in ways she’d never known it was even capable of.

Josh’s hand slowly slid up her skirt, and everywhere he touched left goosebumps; Sam wasn’t so certain it was just his touch and not the sting of the cool, ocean air hitting every place he exposed. Sam grabbed ahold of the bottom of her shirt and bikini top, shimmying them both off of her so she could match him, wanting so badly to discover what it felt like when his skin pressed against hers. He moaned into her neck when their bodies touched, like they were electric - Sam couldn’t deny how amazing it felt to be skin to skin.

The more he ground his hips against hers, the more prominently Sam could feel his hardness pressing against her. The pressure was enough to drive her over the edge and he wasn’t even inside of her yet. Was this what she had been missing out on all this time?

Sam felt herself get brave again, reaching her hand between them to unfasten his buttons. With a confidence she didn’t even know she had, she reached inside, taking ahold of him firmly in her hand.  Josh groaned, low in his throat and Sam felt a slight satisfaction knowing that she was the one eliciting such a reaction from him - maybe even the only one who ever had. His body tensed a bit, as though his mind was incapable of focusing on anything else while she was touching him like this, and his lips stopped moving against her neck.

Josh pulled away from her suddenly, and Sam would have thought she’d done something wrong if his fumbling hands didn’t directly reach up her cotton skirt, searching for the hem of her bathing suit bottoms. Sam raised her hips, helping him slide them off, and he tossed them aside quickly.

While Sam thought about all of the things they could do, all the things she _wanted_ to do to him… she knew that for tonight she just wanted to know what it felt like to be connected to the person she loved the most. They would have plenty of time to explore the other stuff, eventually, she reasoned.

Josh’s hands grazed down the length of each of Sam’s sun-tanned, sand-covered legs, then back up to her thighs before he lowered himself back down upon her. He propped himself up by his elbows as he stared down at her, smoothing out her pretty blonde hair that was surrounding her head like a halo now. “I think I will always remember you just… like… _this_ ,” he said quietly, leaning down to kiss her chin, her lips, her nose with each pause. Sam jumped a bit when she felt his fingers ghost over her inner thigh under her skirt before his hand pressed firmly against her most sensitive area. “Have you ever done anything like this before?” he asked, his face lowered down by her ear now. Her words got choked up in her throat and as she felt two fingers slide inside of her, all she was capable of was a short head shake to his question. She felt her back arch involuntarily, noticing the way her body seemed to move on its own accord at this point.

Josh’s lips dragged along her collarbone as he continued to work his fingers inside of her, and Sam noticed how slick they became the more he moved. She grabbed ahold of the first part of him she could reach, his bicep, as she squeezed her fingers into his skin and bit her lip to keep from moaning. This just seemed to encourage Josh even more, and he seemed to be getting worked up just by seeing Sam’s enjoyment.

Sam excitedly brought Josh’s mouth to hers to lay claim to once more, imagining she was marking her territory for good. Something about the feelings rushing through Sam’s entire body made her feel like a goddess, empowered. Josh slipped his hand from her dampness before he centered himself more upon her, reaching down to free himself of his jeans. Sam’s eyes fluttered open as she felt him graze against her, a different sensation. Sam let her legs fall more open, and studied the concentrated, intense look on Josh’s face as he prepared to enter her. Sam’s hand lightly touched his face and his eyes connected with hers, the final permission.

Josh pressed his hips forward into Sam once, cautiously, caringly. He didn’t even have to ask if she was alright, he could just tell my the look of trust in her eyes that she was fine. Then the small, but slightly prideful smile, let Josh know that she was _better_ than fine. She squirmed a bit beneath him, trying to get used to the sensation, the fullness. He felt searing hot inside of her, she wished that they could stay like this forever. She wrapped her arms tightly around him, pulling his chest close to hers in an embrace. She wanted to feel his staggered breathing against her neck, his dewy skin rubbing against hers, while she placed fleeting, sporadic kisses against his shoulder.

Josh pressed forward again and he was gone. He began to move against her with more stamina, and Sam began to rock her body beneath him.

“ _Fuck_ ,” Josh’s low voice growled, most likely involuntarily. He ran his hand up her sides and Sam’s body spasmed and slacked beneath him, unsure what sensation to focus in on more. Although she was taken aback by the feeling of his hand cupping over her breast, Sam focused on the sensation of him sliding in and out of her, slipping against her wetness. She was surprised she was so wet, considering it was her first time. She’d always heard horror stories about the first time hurting… Sam was pleasantly surprised that aside of the initial tight fit and awkwardness, she was thoroughly enjoying herself.

Josh thrust deeply into her as he slid his tongue deeper into her mouth, where he caught her soft moaning as she felt the tingling, hot sensation growing from deep within her. The way he was hitting her seemed to be the right place, and when he kept deeper and closer contact it began to send her over the edge. She moaned again, louder this time and again it just seemed to encourage Josh even further and Sam found herself falling in love with the sounds of their mingled cries. Sam’s skirt was bunched up high around her waist as she clenched her legs around him even tighter, her legs and stomach muscles clenching as she held back his name, which she wanted to say _over and over and over again._

Sam felt an unmistakable wave wash over her, then another. She tensed beneath him, her head falling back and her mouth opening for a soundless yell. Josh caught sight of her ecstasy, a grin spreading across his lips as he quickened his pace. It only took a couple of Sam’s uncontrollable moans near Josh’s ear before she felt him halt, shuddering a bit. Sam bit her swollen lip, her heart beating in her throat and her breath rapid. She pulled Josh’s agape mouth to hers once more. She opened her eyes and after his body began to relax he opened his as well. Their serious, intense faces didn’t last, and before they knew it they both broke into delirious laughter. Josh groaned, and Sam didn’t want him to leave her just yet but he did anyway, rolling beside her but quickly extending his arm out for her to lay her head on his chest. He reached beside him and pulled over the beach blanket, covering them lazily, with many part of them still exposed to the night sea air. Sam rolled onto her stomach, her chin on his chest as she stared up at him through glossy eyes.

“So… that’s what _that’s_ like,” Josh announced, and Sam groaned playfully, her hand draping across her face. She could feel her hot cheeks and imagined they were bright red from the excursion and the sheepishness. “ _Oh-ho-ho_ … suddenly we’re _shy?_ ” he said teasingly poking her in the side like before on the beach. Sam giggled, removing her hand from her face to slap his prodding finger away from her. She could hear him quietly humming ‘ _Allison_ ,’ and she had never loved him more. She wanted to tell him that, her mouth even geared up to as she quickly said, ‘ _Josh_?’

He opened one eye peeking down at her before propping himself up on his elbows to get a better look at her. He stared back at her, waiting, but instead she just said, ‘thank you.’ He offered her a sideways smirk, pushing away a blonde lock that kept falling into her eyes and then resting it against her cheek.

“Still scared I’m gonna forget about you or fall in love with someone else?” he droned, his voice lower than usual. Sam leaned into his hand, and he softly and lovingly grazed his thumb against her skin. Sam didn’t take her eyes off of him as she leaned down and kissed the skin of his chest once more.

“Kinda,” she exhaled. Josh’s eyebrows raised at her honesty, and Sam was sure he was surprised that their intimacy didn’t douse the flame of any doubts she had in her head.

“Well, you better just knock that off, Jensen,” he said in mock sternness before he sat up suddenly, pulling Sam back up and onto his lap. Sam loved the feeling of their sticky skin reconnecting as she leaned her head down and pressed her forehead to his. Josh’s hands ran up the length of her back as he promised, “Because _you and I?_  We're endgame.” Sam just smiled and pressed a lingering, soft kiss against his lips. She wished the night would drag on forever, afraid of what he said earlier, about how much harder their goodbye was going to be now. Sam nuzzled her face into the crook of his neck, taking in the scent of him, feeling complete as his arms wrapped around her tightly. She let out a long exhale, her heart finally feeling like it was beating at a normal pace and frequency.

“Um… Sam?” she heard Josh say after a few moments of silence, other than the sound of the party that neither wanted to go back to raging on in the distance.

“Yes Josh?” Sam’s voice lazy slurred, feeling drunk off of him.

“Are you... _on the pill_?”

 

* * *

 

She pushed the bittersweet memories of that night in the back of her mind as her back pressed against his door, his body pressing tightly against hers when he kissed her again.

Sam almost felt guilty. It had only been three days since she’d left Liam and here she was, back at Josh’s apartment in practically no time. But Josh wasn’t just _anyone._ He was Josh. She had no problem justifying that in her mind, especially as he pushed her down onto his bed and leaned down, his body pressing hard against hers as his lips found hers again, desperately. The thing she _was_ having a hard time with was that he didn’t have his memories back… he didn’t even know who she really was to him. Who they were to _each other_.

She moaned softly as his lips trailed her neck, his hand climbing up her shirt and gliding up her bare stomach. Just like he had before.

It felt like him. It tasted like him. It looked like him.

But it wasn’t totally him. He might have had his face and his memories buried deep down in there somewhere, but Sam was having a hard time knowing that her first time in years with Josh wouldn’t be _with_ Josh. It almost made her head hurt when she thought about it, it was all so surreal.

Sam’s hands reached down between them, negotiating his belt. His eyes shot open as if to say, ‘ _are we really doing this?_ ’ As though he didn’t actually believe it would have ever made it this far. Sam liked it. It reminded her of the boy she once knew, just grateful for the opportunity.

Sam took him in her hand and he groaned into her mouth from the sensation. Sam broke their kiss, her eyes looking all over his face, trying to search for any sign of Josh in there. All she could see was Elliot staring back her.

And Sam realized that she loved him, too, in a way.

She quickly found peace in the fact that she would have him, always, no matter what state he was in.

“Condom?” she asked, her lips rubbed raw from all of the kissing, remembering their lack of forethought the last time. Josh pulled away from her, his eyes rolling up as he tried to recall where he’d stashed them, then he gave her a quick nod. He leaned down slowly, quickly taking her face in his hands and kissing her again. Then once more. Her cheek. Her neck. Then he jumped up and headed down the hall to find one. Sam laid in the silence for a moment before a big grin spread across her face and she covered her eyes with her hands. This was happening. THIS was really happening.

She rolled over, and groaned, mowing over the TV remote.

Sam wasn’t too alarmed when she heard the TV click on, she just sat up and took the remote, squinting her eyes to find the power button to shut it off.

“ _Hello, friend_ ,” a chilling, eerily familiar voice said suddenly, and Sam almost dropped the remote she was so startled. Her mouth ran dry, her heart thumping against her ribs the moment she recognized the voice - she’d heard it before and it was something she would never forget. The voice of the maniac. Worse, the voice of Josh _as_ the maniac.

Sam’s eyes reluctantly pulled to the TV, and then her hand cupped over her mouth when she saw it.

On the television screen was Liam, strapped down to a chair in what appeared to be an old warehouse. “You are about to partake in a little experiment.” Sam felt nauseous, sweaty. Her eyes began to water. “Liam- you haven’t been faithful to your fiancee, have you?” Sam stood slowly, nearing the TV as she watched and listened in horror. Liam struggled against his tethers.

“Fuck you!” he yelled out. Sam could just barely make out an object in each of his hands. One was a knife. One was a gun.

“Tut-tut-tut, Liam. Watch your language,” the voice taunted. Sam startled when she saw Josh standing in the doorway, frozen in fear. “You have three options…” the voice prompted.

“Sam, I _swear_ I can explain this-” Josh began, a step towards her. She just stared back at the screen as the _‘game’_ went on. There was no use in him trying to shut it off. The damage had been done.

“You can use the knife in your hand to remove the instrument that aids you in your adulterous ways…” the voice suggested.

“You’re _insane_!” Liam screamed on the screen.

“You can shoot yourself _or…_ you can go home and tell your fiancee what a vile, disgusting, pig you are and free her from you.”

Sam gasped in horror, her eyes noting the date and time in the corner of the video… this happened two days ago, after she and Liam had already split up. Sam turned toward Josh as the sounds of Liam yelling continued to play, and he just stared down at the floor, ashamed.

“What did you do to him?” she cried, hurling the remote in Josh’s direction.

“Sam I swear-!” He hurried to her, and she writhed out of his grip, even though she knew he would never hurt her.

“What happened to him?!” she said in a sob, “where is he?”

“He’s fine, he’s fine I promise I did not hurt him, Sam,” Josh assured, taking her face in his hands and forcing her gaze to his. Sam wasn’t just crying because of what Josh had done… she was crying because she realized that he was still sick.

Sam had been spending all this time trying to get Josh’s memories back that she completely neglected the fact that Josh still needed help from his other psychiatric ailments. She had allowed this to happen by wanting him back so badly.

“He...he was cheating on you. I just… I needed to teach him a lesson.”

“What are you talking about?”

“There were a lot of different women-,” Josh tried to explain.

“You don’t know that,” Sam sniffled, pulling away from him. She took a step back from him, shaking her head. “How could you possibly know that?” Josh swallowed hard, looking away from her face.

“I… _followed_ him…”

“You _what_?” she hissed, her hand finding her forehead. She felt hot and clammy, such a vast difference from only three minutes ago. She felt her stomach churn and feared she might throw up.

“I just… I knew that guy was up to no good and I saw him go to a hotel with this brunette… and then there was another one, a redhead at a bistro. It _wasn’t_ business, Sam. You gotta believe me. He was _cheating_ on you. YOU, Sam!” he added heatedly, and Sam saw an all-too familiar craziness in his eyes. He ran his hands over his face, “just out in the open! And you didn’t even know… I couldn’t let him get away with that…”

He did it for _her_ . To protect _her._ The thought of that made her stomach twist again as Sam stifled a retch.

Josh tried to near her, tears in his eyes, and it was so difficult to look away from him, to not _comfort_ him. All she could keep thinking about was running away from him, fearing her life.

The man behind the mask was still there…  

* * *

_To Be Continued... aka we are so sorry_


	13. Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little more "Adult Content."  
> And this is a pretty long one.

 

* * *

It had now been weeks since she discovered the video and left him standing alone in his apartment.

He’d tried for a moment to explain himself, but Sam wasn’t even listening anymore. It didn’t matter why or how he did what he did, even if he justified it in his mind as being heroic to Sam; all that mattered was that Josh needed help that she had been neglecting. And she should have known better.

“We _have_ to put a stop to this,” she told him while bravely holding back tears, meaning the craziness _and_ the inappropriate relationship they’d developed. “I’ve failed you as your doctor and I can’t express how sorry I am for that. I’ll look into what will be the best medication for you and have my assistant call you when it’s ready.”

Josh didn’t say anything further to try to make her stay or to understand. He simply stood there with eerily vacant eyes as he stared at the floor.

After that night, Sam immediately called Bryana, letting her know that she would be taking a few weeks off for personal reasons, and to refer her clients to Dr. Stedson for the time being. She also told her that she would be prescribing a very specific and important medication to treat schizophrenia for Elliot, and that Bryana needed to call him and have him come pick it up, along with instructions.

Sam had no idea what would have happened if she didn’t find out about the video until after she slept with him. …Or worse, if she never found the video at all and she continued to let Josh go untreated.

She felt like slapping herself every time she thought about it. Josh had been hopping from one psychiatrist to the next for years, obviously for more than just his memory loss, and it was stupid of her to ignore that, both as his doctor and as his _friend._

There were a few times during the first week that Josh tried calling her. She would stare down at her phone as if Josh knew she was holding it and was purposely ignoring him. It gave her anxiety and she wished she could just shut off her phone but knew that would be an awful idea.

She wondered if Josh did the same during that whole time she tried to call him after he left for college and before he came home for Thanksgiving.

Sam shook herself free of the memory and realized she at least owed him an explanation of why she was ignoring him - at the very least ensure that he wasn’t going to do anything drastic or stupid. Ignoring him might just send him into another psychotic episode. So the next time he called, she answered.

“Elliot…”

“Sam, please,” he said quickly, and her heart split upon hearing the desperation in his voice, “Please talk to me, I—.”

“Bryana informed me that you dropped by to pick up your medication,” she said bluntly.

“U-um…yeah, I did. I’ve been—been taking them, but you cancelled all our appointments and thought—.”

“I cancelled everyone’s,” she told him, “I’m taking a few weeks off to…to figure some stuff out. I hope you’re seeing Dr. Stedson in the meantime… your recovery is very important.” She wanted to add ‘to me’ at the end of that sentence, but couldn’t bring herself to do it.

He was silent for a long moment, then said, more to himself than to her, “I fucked up…I’m a _fucking_ fuck up and I don’t deserve you, you’re—.”

“Elliot,’ she stopped him quickly, calmly, “You came to me a month ago seeking help for a problem you know you have. But you _cannot_ let your actions define you.” She paused when she only heard his staggered breaths on the other end, “We can get through this, Elliot. Just keep taking your medication. But please—only call me if you’re not okay, alright? I just—I need some time.”

Sam felt herself relax when she heard Josh’s calm voice said, “Okay. I understand.” She could just see the look of hurt and disappointment on his face in her head as he did what she asked, no matter how hard that would be for him.

She’d seen that very same look before.

It was in mid-October, not long after Josh left for college. Sam was never very regular with her periods, but she was beginning to worry. She had a short one near the beginning of September right after he left, and she thought she was in the clear, but now she wasn’t so sure. She went to the internet in the hope that there could be a good explanation. WebMD told her that she could possibly have ovarian cancer and could die if she didn’t see a doctor immediately. Some pregnancy sites told her that some women had their period all the way up until they were six or seven months pregnant. Others told her that a missed period was a sure sign of pregnancy.

There was nothing solid and it was stressing her out. Every time she tried to call Josh, it would just go to his voicemail and she was left with teary eyes. She hated regretting having slept with him, but she was beginning to wonder if it was a bad idea. Did he get her out of his system? She gave herself completely to him so he was ready to finally move on? Why wasn’t he at least texting her?

And on top of that, she never imagined herself having a pregnancy scare at 18. Yes, she knew it wasn’t a wise idea to have sex without a condom. But she was with _Josh,_ and it seemed like no matter what, they would always be okay because they would always be together.

But she was feeling him slip through her fingers and she had no idea what to do.

Sam didn’t want anyone to know. If her mom found out, she’d be so devastated and disappointed. And the thought of being pregnant her whole senior year was terrifying. She didn’t want to be the girl that people eyed in humor and disgust. _There goes another whore who got herself knocked up._

She never felt like she cared about others’ opinions before, but this was a whole different ballgame. Then finally, one evening she couldn’t take it anymore.

She was sitting against Hannah’s headboard, absently watching Hannah skim through a _Teen Vogue_ magazine. She hardly heard her when she would read an article or a quiz aloud, but Hannah must have asked her a question when she zoned out, because Hannah was then sitting on her knees in front of her, concern written in her dark brown eyes behind her glasses.

“Sam, what’s wrong?”

That’s when Sam realized tears were streaming down her cheeks. She quickly wiped them away, though more came to replace them. She sniffled and felt kind of silly when she said, “Your stupid brother won’t return any of my calls or texts…”

“Oh…” Hannah sat back, suddenly looking downcast, “Well, you know how Josh is…he’s always misplacing his phone…leaving it where it doesn’t belong…”

“But it’s been almost four weeks,” Sam argued.

Hannah grabbed her magazine then crawled up next to Sam, sitting next to her, “Maybe he misses you too much to talk to you?”

“That makes no sense,” Sam moaned, pulling her knees up to her chest and hiding her face.

“Yeah, well… _Josh_ doesn’t make sense,” Hannah chuckled, hoping it would get Sam to, but it failed. She flipped through the magazine, “Maybe he went off his meds or—.”

“Don’t say that,” Sam stopped her quickly, uncovering her face and looking straight ahead at all of the Hollywood movie actors taped all over Hannah’s wall.

“Sorry,” she apologized quickly, and it was clear she wished she hadn’t said it, “I’m sure he’s just busy with classes. We can try doing something to take your mind off him.” When Sam didn’t offer up anything, Hannah continued to look at the magazine, stopping on a _What that Hottie Really Wants You to Do to Him_ article. “If it makes you feel any better, Mike hasn’t answered any of my texts either.”

Sam eyed Hannah from the side, “That’s hardly the same.” As soon as she said it, she regretted it, wincing at how careless she was. But Mike was still dating Emily and she doubted Mike even gave Hannah’s texts a second glance despite how much she wished for it. “Sorry, Hann…I’m sure it’s like what you said. He’s just busy…”

Hannah didn’t answer and Sam knew she hurt her feelings. Her best friend was really sensitive, and she knew that. Sam covered her face in her knees again. She couldn’t take it anymore.

“Hey, Hannah…”

“Yeah?”

Sam felt tears sting her eyes again when she felt a lump form in her throat, “I think I might be pregnant…” It was the first time she said it aloud and it was even scarier than she thought. She sobbed into her knees, her tears dripping down onto her tights.

“Oh my God….what?” Hannah said lowly, shocked, “Sam…wait, what? How?”

If the moment wasn’t so serious, Sam would tease her about that last question. _How do you THINK, Hannah?_ But she knew what Hannah meant. As far as she knew, Sam was still a virgin. Hannah always told her that Sam would be the first to know as soon as she lost her virginity, and she assumed Sam would do the same.

“And you think—wait, you think it’s _Josh’s?”_

Sam finally looked up, trying in vain to wipe away her tears again, “I _know_ it would be his, Hann. He was the only one I was ever with.”

“How did this happen?” Hannah was suddenly on her knees again beside Sam, her eyes wide with curiosity, “I mean, I knew you two were always close but I never thought you guys were…oh my God, did it happen in his bedroom?”

Sam shook her head, “ _No,_ Hannah, it—it just happened once, and it was when we were at the beach house before he left…”

Hannah slowed down, knowing she was focusing on the wrong things. Still, Sam couldn’t help but see all the questions in her eyes that she was dying to ask. So she finally went with: “And…you guys didn’t use a condom?”

Sighing, Sam shook her head again, “We didn’t even think about that until it was already over…” Sam could still see the look of panic in Josh’s eyes when he asked her if she was on the pill. She was sure her eyes looked the same, and it gave away her answer.

“Shit, Sam…” he had mumbled, hitting his head hard on the floor when he laid it back, his eyes staring wide at the ceiling.

She swallowed roughly, “I’m…sure it’ll be okay. Can we just—not think about that right now?”

Sam was never one to ignore her issues, but the thought of being pregnant seemed too surreal to actually happen. _It’s won’t happen to us._ She didn’t want this moment to be tainted with concern either. She was relieved when he nodded slightly, obviously not wanting to think about the possible outcome of their actions.

The dark-haired girl moved her legs out from underneath her, sitting cross-legged in front of Sam, “Sounds romantic…”

Sam groaned, leaning back until her head hit the board behind her. She closed her eyes, all her crying making them sore and sleepy, “No, that’s…I mean, _yeah,_ it was, but…not if it’s gonna come to this.”

Hannah was silent for a long moment, then: “So you’ve been trying to tell Josh…?”

“I don’t know…” Sam mumbled; it was something she often thought about. What _would_ she say to him if he answered? She wasn’t one-hundred certain yet herself, so would it be cruel of her to make him worry as well? Before, she would believe that he would want to go through every concerned second with her, but now? Now she had no idea.

“…what are you going to do if you are?”

Sam didn’t even answer her. She wouldn’t be sitting there crying her eyes out if she knew.

But then she got her period four days later. And it was the day after that Josh finally called her.

“What have you been up to?” She asked tightly, wanting so badly to yell at him for ignoring her for so long, but realizing she had no right to do that.

“Lots of classes—I’m beginning to think I took too many for my first semester. Homework sucks and then everyone wants—hey, I got your voicemails. What was it that you wanted to talk to me about?”

“…it was nothing.” Sam replied, trying to add some pep to her voice to make it seem like it really was nothing of importance.

“Okay,” he accepted quickly, “Any Halloween plans?”

They went on to make small talk, but Sam hated the way he felt a million miles away from her - and it wasn’t just the distance stretched between them. It was like she could actually feel him slipping away from her, and her confidence and heart felt shattered.

He hurried off the phone, promising he’d call tomorrow ( _he didn’t_ ) and that he’d see her soon when he came to visit during Thanksgiving ( _he did_ ). And although Sam knew things had changed, she held on to hope that seeing him in person would clear up all of her doubts and things would feel _normal_ again.

The time between their phone call and Thanksgiving went by fast and slow all at the same time. In the eleven weeks since he’d been gone, she only talked to him three times on the phone. Getting him to exchange texts with her was like pulling teeth.  She’d get a halfhearted one text to every five she sent him, and after awhile she started to try less and less. She was hoping to be able to talk to him during this long weekend and figure out where they stood.

But she was absolutely terrified. Josh had never avoided her like this before and she wasn’t sure what to expect. Did he end up falling in love with someone like she feared? Did he not want to be bothered by a little high school girl now that he was in college? Did he think she was trying to pull a fast one on him when she asked him to have sex with her even though she wasn’t on any birth control? It was stupid of her, yes, but it wasn’t like it was planned.

She didn’t see him until the day after Thanksgiving since they both spent the holiday with their own families. But about time she got to the Washington’s house Friday afternoon, everyone else was already there as well. Hannah greeted her at the door, letting her know that all the girls were up in Beth’s bedroom and all the guys were in the basement playing pool.

Sam told Hannah that she was just going to pop down real quick and greet the guys then she’d be right up. Hannah understood that Sam was eager to talk to Josh so let her be. Sam silently walked down the stairs, hearing their laughter and idle talk.

“Another one for me,” Mike said after the sound of a ball dropping into a pocket.

She looked around the corner to see Mike gearing up to make another point, while Matt stood to the side holding his pool stick lazily. Josh and Chris lounged on the couch with a few beers as they watched the game.

Mike hit the cue ball perfectly again, “I’m telling you, at first I _hated_ my dorm, but it’s so close to all my classes that I can literally wake up ten minutes before I have to be there and make it on time.”

“Lucky,” Chris chimed in, “My dorm is _wwaayy_ on the other side of campus from all my classes.”

“I bet you don’t stay out partying all night though,” Matt said with a grin.

“ _Hey,_ that—!” Chris pointed at him as though to challenge him, but then dropped his hand and sighed, “is absolutely true. My professors give out way too much homework to be partying.”

Josh snorted, “Says you. I look at it as a _challenge._ Oh, this isn’t something I can finish an hour before class? Challenge _accepted.”_

“I don’t even think my college has a lot of parties,” Chris tried to defend himself.

The other three guys laughed, all agreeing with a, “Yeah, right.”

“Bro, you’re _seriously_ missing out by staying in every night,” Josh said, “You won’t _believe_ how horny college chicks are.”

Sam’s breath was stolen away from her as she stopped herself from speaking up to greet them. Her heart seemed to stop in her chest as she wondered what that comment could possibly mean. Is _that_ why Josh never had time to call her?

Tears stung her eyes and blurred her vision, and she turned around and walked back of the stairs quickly yet silently so she wouldn’t be caught. She didn’t even know what she would say to Josh now. She couldn’t even seem to form a proper sentence in her head.

_Over you. Doesn’t need you. Done with you. Never liked you._

It was all the things she feared Josh wanted to say to her, and no matter how much she tried to convince herself none of it was true, it all felt very real to her.

She forced her best smile when she went to Beth’s room. Jess, Emily, and Ashley her gossiping about something that happened in the boy’s locker room the week before, and Beth and Hannah were painting their toenails. Sam sat down next to the twins, and Hannah asked her if she wanted her to paint her nails a seafoam green color. Sam placed her feet together in front of Hannah, her knees bent so she could rest her chin.

“Everything okay?” Hannah asked her best friend lowly once she painted a few of Sam’s toes.

Sam took in a wavering breath, but noticed a small break in the other girls’ conversation and didn’t want them involved. She didn’t want to make herself cry either, so she just said, “I’ll tell you later.”

It was a few hours before Sam heard the music get turned up downstairs and knew the real Washington party was about to start. The other girls jumped up to go join in on the fun but Sam was obviously not as enthused. The turmoil inside of her about wanting to jump in Josh’s arms but at the same time avoid him like the plague was eating her up.

When she finally showed up in the kitchen to see all the alcohol and munchies laid out on the island, the guys were already shooting back their first shots.

 _“Ahhh,_ first one’s always the best!” Josh yelled with a choked up voice as his body got used to the alcohol. That’s when he spotted her and his arms raised above his head, “ _Sammaayyy,_ I didn’t know you were here!”

“She’s been here for hours,” Emily said, scooping a carrot in the ranch dressing.

“ _Whaaaat,_ and you didn’t come say hello?” Josh asked in mock hurt, his hand grasping over his chest where his heart was. “Guess I’ll have to make the first move.” He moved around the island to go to her, and the closer he got, the more anxious she became.

Then he wrapped strong arms around her, trapping her own arms to her sides as he picked her up in a bear hug.

“It’s been 1,848 hours too long without you!” He exclaimed, dramatically.

“Oh, look,” Beth teased, walking by the two, “Josh is in college a few months and is finally starting to learn math.”

“Hey, hey, hey!” Josh countered, letting go of Sam to adoringly tap Beth atop her head, “I knew lots of math before this, dear sister.”

“Yeah, like how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop,” Hannah sounded in, leaving most of the others to laugh.

“Good one!” Mike complimented and Sam could see the deep blush light up Hannah’s face from across the room.

“But is that really math?” Josh questioned seriously. But everyone else was already moving on to a different conversation and the guys were already pouring another round of shots, “Don’t continue without me!” Josh warned, going back over to his spot.

Sam tried not to think too much into his lighthearted greeting despite them being apart for the longest they’ve ever been. But she suddenly felt more alone than ever. Jess, Emily, Ashley, and Matt were chatting up a storm about something around the snacks. Mike and Hannah were sitting on the bar stools talking together (which somewhat worried Sam because she knew how quickly Hannah’s hopes rise and how she overthinks every little thing), and Josh and Chris were in complete bro mode.

“Something going on between you and Josh?” Beth asked her suddenly, standing with her by the fridge.

Sam only half-glanced at her, “Um…I don’t think so—why do you ask?”

“I’ve never seen you look this sad when you’re in the same room with him,” Beth observed and it made Sam wonder how much Beth caught onto over the years.

Sam sighed lowly, “I guess…I guess I just missed him so much but I’m not—I’m not sure if he’s still the same Josh I remember.”

“Don’t be afraid to talk to him,” Beth advised, looking over to her brother, “I think he might feel the same way you’re feeling.”

Beth’s words stuck with Sam the rest of the night. Sam eventually left the party to go use the restroom, but as she was walking down the dark hall to return, she came across Josh leaning casually against the wall.

“What are you doing away from the party?” she asked, stopping a few feet from him, her body temperature rising when his eyes wandered over to her.

“I’ve been trying to get you alone all night,” he confessed, though she didn’t know how true that was, because it never once seemed that way.

“I…” she trailed off, realizing she wanted to say so much to him yet nothing at all.

“I missed you, Sammy,” he said, all innocence, pushing himself from the wall and closing the gap between them. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders, hugging her close before gently turning her and backing her against the wall.

She let out a wavering breath that almost turned into a sob at the feel of his body pressed against hers again. Her heart wanted to instantly fall back into his trap, but her mind kept reminding her of all the times he never returned her calls and the comment she overheard him say to Chris earlier.

_“You won’t believe how horny college chicks are…”_

“You… you never _call_ …” she uttered with what little bit of courage she could muster. She hated how pathetic she sounded in her own mind.

She felt his lips press to her hairline, his hands resting on either side of her neck, his thumbs rubbing against her collarbone. Then he quickly said “I know.” He pulled away from her just enough to see her face, and from what she could see of his in the dimly lit hallway, he seemed sincere. But there was something different in his eyes. Something _missing_ . “It’s just… it’s just really hard talking to you because all it does is remind me that you’re almost three-hundred miles away from me… and I can’t just reach out and touch you,” he said as he pressed their hips together, their contact heightening. It seemed like a good enough excuse, but that was all it was… _an excuse._ She closed her eyes, wishing nothing more but to get lost in that moment, but her heart felt torn to pieces.

“I _really_ needed you,” she admitted against her strong-willed promise to herself that she wouldn’t let herself look weak in front of him… but she was always weak when it came to Josh.

“I’m here _now_ ,” he said in a hushed whisper. Sam couldn’t argue with that. But even though he was here physically, it didn’t feel the same. He leaned down, his lips brushing against her cheek and Sam sucked in a breath of air and held it, frozen. He must have taken her lack of intervention as an invitation, and he ventured further, his lips finding hers with just as much ease as they had before. Sam let herself fall into the kiss, but only for a moment. She couldn’t stop thinking about the pregnancy scare, the painful, agonizing silence of her cellphone all these weeks, the comment downstairs just hours ago.

With every bit of internal strength she could conjure, and against her heart screaming at her just how badly she wanted this, she pressed her hands to his chest and easily pushed him back, unlocking their lips. His eyes held pure confusion, but he stepped away from her like she obviously wanted.

“Sammy?”

Sam averted her eyes away from his lost ones; she didn’t have the courage to say what was on her mind. So instead she just mumbled a short, “Stop…” and then slipped away from the wall, walking down the hall to go back to the party.

She didn’t hear Josh call for her or hear his footsteps behind her. Before she turned the corner, she glanced back at him. He was still standing where she left him, his body wavering slightly back and forth as he stared vacantly at the wall where she stood only seconds before.

Sam thought about these moments over and over again as she packed her suitcase. She had been living with her mother since she left Liam, just until she found an apartment, which she finally had. She was always thankful to her mother, letting her use her home as a landing pad every time her world fell apart, and Lord knows she needed it after she realized that Josh was still sick.

Now that she had time to think, _time to breathe_ , she knew it was time to do something she’d been dreading - and knowing what she knew now, about what Josh had done, it just made it even harder. She had to go to Liam’s.

* * *

Sam timidly walked up the same driveway that she used to walk up every day around this time, but it felt so vastly foreign to her now. She frowned as she passed her flowers that she’d planted late last spring; they were wilted and dying even though she’d only been officially gone from this house - _this life_ \- for a few weeks.

Had it really only been that long? It felt like a lifetime ago, now after everything that had happened. She realized now that this was never the life she was meant to have.

When she’d left Liam, she’d been so upset and final in her decision that she’d even left her key behind on the counter after she’d grabbed Cee-Cee. It wasn’t until she’d begun moving her stuff into her new apartment that she realized she still had far too many belongings that she needed to retrieve… and after discovering (in the absolute _worst_ way imaginable) that Liam was regularly cheating on her (all that ‘work’ and those late night calls suddenly made _so_ much sense), she figured she deserved to at least get a _few_ of her belongings.

As she neared the porch, she almost raised her hand to knock on the door - she’d been trying to reach him for a while and although she knew why he hadn’t gotten back to her, she still found that coming here was the only way she was going to be able to grab her belongings. When she really tried to take a mental inventory, she realized that very little in that house was ever even hers.  If she were being honest with herself, she only cared about a few items, one of which being her shoebox of memories that she’d left hidden in the closet.

Instead of knocking, she crouched over to the rock beneath the living room window and pulled out the hideaway key. His car wasn’t there, so she assumed he was working or… well, she didn’t really care where he was. She was just slightly relieved that he wasn’t home.

Then, there was a part of Sam that actually _wanted_ to see him, in the flesh, to confirm what Josh had said to her - that although he did something incredibly horrible to Liam, he hadn’t actually _harmed_ him...at least not physically. Sam knew all too well the mental and emotional scars that Liam would carry for the rest of his life, now.

When he’d taken a few more moments to explain at his apartment, it was all too familiar. The gun was filled with blanks, the knife a prop. She’d seen it before and she had done everything in her power to _forget_ it, which was her first mistake. Clearly Josh (past and present) needed so much more help than she had given him credit for.

She turned the key in the lock before quietly letting herself in. She took in the sight of the house, just as she’d left it. Pristine. Yuppie. Everything she was so glad to be away from. Sam took a few steps into the house when she heard someone shout, “Who are you, who’s in my house?!” from the hallway.

“Liam?” Sam called, crooking her head down the hallway to see Liam standing there, more disheveled than she’d ever seen him during their entire relationship. He was shakily clutching a gun in his hands. Sam instinctively brought her arm up by her face to shield herself, as though that would help stop a bullet, “ _Jesus_ , Liam! Don’t point that thing at me!” He slowly lowered it, squinting at her to make out her features.

“ _Sam?_ ” he asked, but he’d already lowered the gun and he was nearing her. He shrugged a bit, looking a little confused… slightly guilty. “What are you doing here?” he said flatly, his eyes unable to meet hers. Sam folded her arms across her chest, nervously shifting her weight from foot to foot.

“I-I’m sorry,” she stammered, confused as to of why he was even here, especially with his car missing from the driveway. “I thought… I thought you were gone. Your car wasn’t here,” she noted. His arms dropped limply to his sides; he looked like he hadn’t slept in weeks.

“I don’t leave my car in the driveway anymore. I park it in the garage,” he mumbled, his eyes trailing to the ground for a moment then back up to her face. “You never know who might be hiding in the backseat,” he added with a sneer. Sam swallowed, hard. She closed her eyes, trying to will her heart to calm in her chest.

“I just… I tried to reach you. I just need to get a few things I left behind. Nothing too important.... just some of my momentos…” her words trailed off when she noticed him staring at her intensely. She had never seen him like this and it made her nervous. He jerked his arm up, extending his hand out toward the hallway.

“Oh, by all means! Be my guest. Take whatever… _you_ … want.” Each word was acidic, each step towards her deliberate. Before, when she thought about what Josh had done to him, she felt sorry. Now she just kept trying to remind herself that Liam had been cheating on her on a regular basis… probably unprotected, subjecting her to all kinds of diseases and risks. She felt her jaw clench tightly. Gun waving or not, she wasn’t afraid of him.

“Thanks,” she muttered quietly, her eyes pried to his face as she walked passed him and down the hallway.

Sam hurried to the closet, quickly pulling out her old gym duffle bag and putting whatever she could find of hers that was an absolute necessity - she wanted out of this house more than ever. With shaking hands, she grabbed a few articles of clothes she’d been missing then her shoebox of pictures. She rushed over to her vanity and took her jewelry and a few other things that were irreplaceable. She knew he was watching her, and sure enough when she finally felt brave enough to look in the doorway he was standing there, and he hadn’t ditched the gun. She scoffed, shaking her head and shoving some make up into her bag.

“Seriously, Liam. Lose the gun. It’s unneces-”

“I know it was him,” he said simply. Sam folded her lips, trying to hold back an involuntary shudder that crept down her spine. She didn’t even want to ask what he was talking about. She already knew. He entered the room further, a crazy look in his eye. “Were you in on it, too? Or maybe… maybe you’re the one who set it all up.” Sam remained silent, her face growing hot and she felt sick to her stomach. “Maybe you found out some things about me that you didn’t like too much so you thought you’d send your sick, little _demented_ boyfriend after me to teach me a lesson?” He was dangerously close to her at this point - unnervingly close. He reached for her arm but she jerked it away, turning to face him with fire in her eyes.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about Liam but you better back off!” she snapped angrily. He stared at her with equal intensity, and then as though he were coming out of a daze he shook it off, his eyes softening.

“Sam, _Sammy_ -”

“Don’t call me that,” she spit out quietly as she continued to stuff the bag. Josh had successfully made Liam seem just as insane as him.

“Samantha,” he said, and the neediness in his tone made her turn towards him. “I’m sorry I’m just… I feel like I’m going crazy,” he choked, tears in his eyes now. Then, suddenly, his eyes widened. He dropped the gun and grabbed ahold of her arms with his hands. Sam squirmed a bit, uncomfortable with his touch, but he held on tightly. “Sam, you gotta get away from that lunatic… you have _no_ idea what he did to me, what he’s capable of!” That was the problem. Sam knew all too well. She ripped herself from his grip, grabbing her bag and hurrying past him. “Sam! I am worried about you!” She spun around after she made it to foyer of the house, opening the front door so she could scream for help if she needed it before she yelled, “I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

“Sam, that psychopath snuck into my car… he knocked me out and I woke up in an old warehouse… he tormented me and blackmailed me! Now, I know I’ve been a real asshole but I still care about you and your safety!”

“How do you even know it was him,” she asked after a moment; she needed to know that Liam didn’t have any real proof of this claim. He opened his mouth, stammering a bit. “ _Did_ you see him or _not_?” she clarified, firmly.

“No… but, I _know_ it was him and I-” he paused, and Sam cringed when she saw the flicker of realization in his eyes. “Oh my God. You know it was him, too, don’t you?” he uttered. Sam gave a shrug.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Liam. You should maybe think about seeing a psychiatrist,” she shrugged before turning and quickly jogging to her car and away from Liam, hopefully for good.

* * *

Sam entered _her_ apartment, and she realized as she set her keys down that this was the first time she’d ever truly lived alone. She went from a roommate in college to cohabiting with Liam and as she stood in the entryway of her modest but lovely new apartment, she couldn’t help but smile to herself. It was decorated to her taste; everything in there was hers. There was something so liberating about that.

But also lonely.

She walked in and found Cee-Cee, who was rubbing up against her legs, begging to be fed. “Patience, you _vile_ creature,” she teased lovingly, to which Cee-Cee responded with an even more demanding meow.

Sam set her things on the kitchen island, just trying to keep her mind off of the silence. This was her first night in her new apartment and her first instinct was to call her mom, just to get her mind off of things.

Instead, she walked to the cupboard for a wine glass and poured herself some wine - _Pinot Noir_ , for once. The red wine hit the bottom the the glass with a splash, swirling around and it was not unlike her thoughts - spinning and spinning like a whirlpool. She’d spent so much time searching for an apartment and avoiding the questions from her mother. ‘ _Where’s Josh? What’s going on?_ ’ She had even dodged a call or two from Chris, who let her know he was having a hard time reaching Josh and was _‘everything okay?’_

But although her life was steadily being pieced back together, Sam did not feel okay. After making sure Cee-Cee was satiated, Sam sat on her barstool, her mind quietly buzzing as she nursed her glass of wine. Then another. Then she poured a third, all the while staring at the shoebox in front of her on the marbled countertop, her chin in her palm.

She knew nothing good would come out of looking in that old box, but she missed his face. She’d been able to keep tabs on him through Dr. Stedson, who’d said he was doing well in their sessions; she knew Josh never wanted to see another therapist again if things failed with her, but she knew it was his way of playing by the rules, doing what he had to do to get to see her again. He’d done as she asked… he left her alone. And now, tipsy and lonely and lacking her better judgement, she just wished she could hear his voice.

Sam was glad that she could hear about his progress through Stedson though because she knew that as long as he was taking his pills and going to therapy, he was alive and (partly) well, and that’s all that mattered to her. Josh’s mental health had _always_ mattered to her. Over the years before the twins disappeared and set off a chain of events that led to their demise, Sam had learned when Josh was on or off his meds just by the look in his eyes. She knew he was off them at Thanksgiving, more than likely overwhelmed with the responsibility of taking care of himself without someone to force him to. Saying goodbye to him after Thanksgiving break was like having her heart ripped out all over again, mostly because she had no idea what he would be like the next time she saw him. Would he be recognizable to her at all?

Though Thanksgiving that year didn’t exactly go as planned, Sam made sure to show up at the Washington house Sunday afternoon before Josh was due to head back to college. She had watched from the background as he hugged each of his sisters, their goodbyes their normal loving bantering exchanges.

But when he looked at her, she saw the guilt and shame in his eyes, and she hated that this time felt completely different from their last goodbye, yet still just as painful. She found the courage inside of her to step forward and wrap her arms around him.

“Take care of yourself, okay?” She told him, her concerned green eyes searching his.

He only nodded briefly; they both knew she was telling him to continue taking his medications like he was supposed to.

“I’ll make sure to call more,” he promised, but she only smiled tightly and nodded. He made promises to her the first time he left that he didn’t fulfill, and her heart was guarding her from more heartbreak. She couldn’t risk getting her hopes up again. Then he said, “I’ll see you at Christmastime.”

“Okay…” Sam could see that he was wondering if he should kiss her or not, and she thought, if he wasn’t sure, then it shouldn’t happen. And kissing him would only make everything harder all over again. So he got into his mustang. Her hand reached into his window in search of his to give it a quick squeeze.But he held onto her as she continued to back away, their arms stretching out as he tried to keep her for as long as possible.

The tips of their fingers gripped together for one brief second before she took that final step back, their hands dropping away from each other.

“It’s only three and a half weeks this time,” she reminded herself as much as him.

He started his car, the engine cutting through the air and reminding them of the distance he was about to put between them again, “Goodbye, Sammy.”

She shook her head and crossed her arms, finally showing him a genuine smile, “It’s never goodbye, Josh.”

Hearing her say his words put a smirk on his face and he looked away as he chuckled, almost shyly. He began backing the car out of the driveway, waving at the three beautiful girls in his life. Hannah was jumping up and down as she waved both arms; Beth did a big one armed wave, but Sam only gave a small finger wave as he sped off down the street.

To Sam’s surprise, Josh called her that same night when he got back to his campus apartment. He seemed in to be in higher spirits, and she could tell he was really trying to give her what she’d asked for. He talked about how his two roommates went wild while he was gone; they had their girlfriends stay with them the whole weekend and there were dirty dishes and clothes everywhere.

“There’s a _huge_ pile of women’s clothing blocking the _whole_ hallway, Sam! How do they expect me to get to my room?!”

Sam laughed loudly at his over the top tone; it felt good to laugh like this again, the last time was at the beginning of September on the beach, “Just walk over it, Josh!”

“Ugh, but what if it’s like quicksand and it sucks me to the underworld of dirty lingerie-wait, wait, here I go…” She continued laughing as she heard him struggle way too hard to get past the dirty clothes. And when he told her about the random cucumber in front of his door, she completely lost it, her laughter contagious and causing Josh to laugh at his misfortune.

And just as he promised before he left, he called her a lot more often. He wasn’t always available to answer her phone calls, but he always made sure to call her back. She could tell he was taking his medication again and he was once again becoming the sweet and funny Josh she knew, and not the zombie she saw at Thanksgiving.

She didn’t hear from Josh the whole week before Christmas, but knew he had to focus on finals so thought nothing of it.

It was Christmas Eve, and Sam and her mom were curled on the couch watching Christmas TV specials. The doorbell rang but Margaret stopped Sam from getting up, saying she would get it. Margaret was expecting her older sister who was traveling from further upstate, but wasn’t sure what time she would be arriving.

Sam heard some chatter from the door, her curiosity piquing when her mom called to her, “Sam, come here!” A pause, then, “It’s a caroler.”

Sam laughed but shook off her afghan from around her shoulders, “Just _one_ caroler? That’s weird.” She turned the bend to the hallway toward the front entrance. As soon as she stepped in front of the door, she saw Josh standing there, all bundled up his his large jacket and hat, but with the biggest smile on his face.

 _“Josh?!”_ She yelled in surprise, having not expected to see him until at least the next day sometime.

He cleared his throat quickly then began singing, “ _I don’t want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I need…”_ Sam covered her mouth with her hands to hide her huge smile and laughter, “Um...something-something...something, _Make my wish come true--baby all I want for Christmas-”_ he pointed at her, winking one eye flawlessly, _“is yoouuu.”_

Margaret began applauding like she was at a concert, but Sam couldn’t hold back her excitement anymore as she bounced to him, her feet flying off the ground as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, “You didn’t tell me you were coming tonight!”

“Well, that would kinda ruin the surprise factor, right?” He joked, his arms holding her up by her waist.

Margaret invited him to come inside, and once he lowered Sam to the ground, he picked up a potted plant that he hid off to the side. It was full of red and white poinsettias; he handed it to Margaret, “For you.” Sam’s mom gushed over her favorite flowers, her fingers brushing against each individual flowers and leaf before hugging Josh as well.

Sam grinned, nudging him in the side and whispering when her mom went into the kitchen to place the flowers on the kitchen table, “Trying to score brownie points?”

He leaned close to her and whispered back, “She’s gonna be my mom too in ten years, so I need to make sure I become her favorite.”

She blushed when he referred to their marriage deal and she pinched his cheek playfully. Then Margaret was taking his jacket and hat and asking him all about college life. The three talked for a few hours before Sam’s Aunt Mary arrived. Margaret told Sam to go out and have fun with Josh as she caught up with her sister. Sam swore she had the best mother in the world.

Sam and Josh drove around aimlessly for awhile, the two coming across all the houses that could be considered _over_ decorated with lights. They ended up back at his house and, without actually voicing the plan to do so, they snuck in and up to his room; he reasoned that it was late anyway and he could surprise his family with his presence in the morning.

Sam felt high on her giddiness, being with Josh like this taking her back to all the times they were inseparable. She could still recall the day he caught her staring at him changing when she was fifteen. My how far they’ve come…

She looked around his room as she took off her jacket. He threw down his duffle bag and shook himself from his outer wear as well before he fell back on his huge bed, his arms outspread. He took in a deep breath, “One of the things you miss the most when you leave for college,” he started, “is your own bed.”

Sam smiled softly down at him, “Hey, Josh?” He peeked over at her, “I just wanted to say that…” she trailed off. She wanted to express how happy she was that he kept in touch with her this time around and that he showed up at her house to surprise her tonight. But he already knew all that. She quickly lost her serious face, grinning crookedly as she crawled up next to him singing Dolly Parton’s ‘ _Joshua’: “Joshua, Joshua-why, you’re just what I’ve been lookin’ for!”_

“I foresee a career in the country music biz for you,” he complimented, though Sam couldn’t tell if he was being sarcastic or not.

She laid down next to him, but as soon as she did, he propped himself up on his elbow, “I got you something.”

Her eyes widened in excitement, “Christmas present?” When he nodded, she clenched and unclenched her fingers in front of him, “Gimme, gimme, gimme.”

Josh chuckled and went to his duffle bag. He rummaged through it before finding what he was looking for, “Sorry I didn’t get a chance to wrap it or anything…” Sam sat up when he got beside her again. He handed her one of his shirts that was folded neatly.

“You’re giving me one of your shirts?” She asked with a smirk, “Pretty sure I can just take any of your clothes anytime I want.”

“Haha,” he said sarcastically though he smiled at her humor, “I wrapped my shirt around your gift to protect it.”

“Okay,” she started to unfold the layers of the shirt, “...but for the record, I’m keeping the shirt, too.” He didn’t say anything, just watched her as she unfolded the last layer to spot a simple metal loop bracelet with a small bead attached.

“I had to take an art class as an elective and we had to make a piece of jewelry,” he told her, and she could feel his eyes staring at her intensely for her reaction.

“It’s beautiful,” she breathed, picking it up and already loving the feel of the smooth metal against her skin.

“Look on the inside,” he said, leaning in close to her so he could look as well, as if he were just as excited to see it for the first time.

Sam held the bracelet up so the light could make it easier to see, and there, etched on the inside, was the phrase, _“It’s never goodbye. J+S”_

“Jack and Sally,” he said with a smile, both of them laughing.

“Josh…” she grinned but also wanted to cry, “This is the best gift ever.”

“Ever?” He questioned, “Hmm...I dunno, I remember giving you a pretty good gift back in September.” His teasing made her blush. He took the bracelet from her, then grabbed her hand as he slipped it over her fingers and to her wrist, “I figured when I’m not around to remind you...this can.”

“Josh…” she said his name again, feeling like she could never say it enough now. Earlier he brought up their marriage deal, and now he was slipping on the bracelet like an engagement ring. She was positive that if he asked her to marry him that night that she would say yes. But he didn’t say anything more, so she asked, “Have you been binging rom-coms again?”

“I just can’t help myself!” he said dramatically, wrapping his arms around her suddenly and throwing them back to his bed, and they both laughed. His smile was pressed against her cheek, his laugh close to her ear, and she was home again.

She found his lips quickly, her heart skipping at finally being able to feel him again. He was completely here with her, and the taste of him was sending her on a roller coaster, “I missed you so much,” she voiced almost desperately into his mouth. His hands went into her hair as he kissed her hard. She whimpered against his lips, the pressure between them almost painful but in the most addictive way.

It didn’t take long for her to feel his hands running down her sides and making her shiver. But memories of the last time they were together and how terrified she felt about whether she was pregnant or not were still fresh in her mind, and she separated her mouth from his, “Josh...we can’t do this again without protection…”

His eyes searched hers quickly before he said, “I have condoms in my bag.”

She swallowed roughly, wondering if he had them just by coincidence or if there was a bigger reason. But she let him get up to search in his duffle bag again and when he found them, she looked at the unopened box in his hand. He looked at her, as if asking permission to open the box, and when she nodded slowly, it was like watching one-hundred pounds getting lifted from his shoulders.

Josh lowered himself back down to her, their lips coming together like two magnets. She reached for his jeans, unbuckling his belt then grabbing both ends of it as she pulled him closer. He ended up sitting on his knees above her as she undid his jeans and her hand blindly reached in to grab him. He jumped, and she loved feeling him harden in her hand.

Their clothes seemed to simply vanish as they took the time to explore each other again, their hands roaming over all their curves and edges, and then he was completely pressed against her, inside of her. Her knees squeezed against his hips as his warm and jagged breath circled her ear, their bodies moving in sync with every push and pull.

She clenched around him when she came, and he pushed himself deeply into her as he followed her, their sweaty foreheads together, their heavy breaths mingling, their kisses soft and short.

“Stay with me tonight,” he asked her, their sparkling yet delirious eyes meeting.

She nodded quickly, wishing nothing more than to be able to stay with him every night.

They fell asleep with her bare back pressed against him, his arm wrapped around her stomach and holding her so tightly she was sure he was trying to make them become one person. She sensed that he wanted to tell her something, his breathing and body constantly geared up for it, but he remained silent. She ended up falling asleep, she wasn’t sure for how long, but she woke up to the feel of his hand sliding against her stomach. Her foggy mind registered how hard he was, his member pressed against her backside.

Almost involuntarily, she pressed back against him, and the groan in her ear told her how much that turned him on. Before she knew it, he was slipping on another condom and entering her from behind.

 _“Oh my God, Sammy…”_ He whispered loudly in her ear, but she could hear the words _I’m so in love with you_ underneath what was said aloud. She moaned quietly over and over at the sensation this new position gave her. The soft sounds of their bodies meeting, along with his fingers wandering over her center urgently sent her into a frenzy. She tried folding in her lips to keep from being too loud, her senses telling her it was in the middle of the night sometime, but the way he kept saying her name in her ear was making her forget everything. She felt tears sting her eyes multiple times when her love for him was almost too much to handle.

When they finished, they jokingly agreed that they were both in desperate need of a shower. They quietly snuck out of his bedroom and down the hall to the closest bathroom. She was glad his house was so big and each room was spread out enough to block out almost all sounds.

She giggled constantly in the shower as they playfully argued over what was the perfect shower temperature. He swore to her that the temperature she wanted would burn both of their skins off, but the temperature she wanted made her feel like she was sitting in a pool where someone just peed (and he made fun of her grossness for even mentioning it).

Then it somehow led to her being pressed against the shower wall with her leg over his shoulder as he licked and sucked on her core, and she never imagined that having his tongue touch her would be even better than his fingers. Her moans echoed off the bathroom walls, but she was only seeing stars behind her closed eyes and couldn’t find it within her to care if they were caught.

It was nearly four in the morning about time they fell asleep for good that night, him in his boxers and her in his shirt and bracelet. The whole night felt like a dream to her, but she thought that they finally found the place where they were supposed to be, that this was how it was going to be for the rest of their lives.

But life had different plans for them, it would seem.

In the present, Sam had moved off the bench and sat in her linoleum of her kitchen with pictures spread across the floor, she couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down her face. So many memories - these last few weeks had felt like _she_ was the one coming out of memory retention. It was so overwhelming, and she hadn’t cried like this in so long. She was remembering everything she had long buried within her and it showed no sign of stopping.

Cee-Cee, being a cat (and cats never seem to care about being mindful) laid down, stretching out across the photos as Sam brought her knees to her chest, her back up against the dishwasher as she tried to get the crying to stop. It was merciless.

Then, as though he knew her more than she knew herself - which, of course he did - Sam heard her cell phone vibrating hard against her kitchen floor. Sam clumsily wiped her tears as she stared up at her clock - 1:16 am. How had so much time flown by? She exhaled, crawling across the scattered photographs for her phone to see the name she’d been silently hoping for, even though she knew she shouldn’t. She held the phone in her hands while she tried to decide…

_Pick up the phone or ignore it? Life was all about choices like these._

Before she could think about it, she slid her thumb across the accept line on her brightly lit phone screen.

“Elliot-” she started, her voice sounding stuffy and hoarse.

There was a brief silence before, “I didn’t think you would pick up.” Sam tilted her head back against the metal of her oven, using a scrunched up paper towel as a tissue to wipe her nose.

“What do you need?” she asked, her voice wavering as she tried in vain to keep him from noticing she was crying. There was a long pause on the other line, as if he were using every bit of courage he had to do this - as if he knew what reaching out to her could cost him.

“ _Um…”_ he began; she could hear him losing his nerve, “Y-you said to call you if I’m not okay…” Sam could tell he was trying so hard to be , but she could hear his voice crack on the other end, and Sam felt her heart crack as well. “I’m not okay, Sam,” he admitted. Sam wanted to speak, but when she opened her mouth, nothing could come out. All she wanted to do was tell him it was going to be okay, to comfort him like she always used to. It was so hard _not_ to. She brought her hand to her forehead, slightly covering her eyes as she moved the phone speaker away from her mouth so he couldn’t hear her crying. She could hear him sigh on the other end, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have-”

“It’s fine,” she croaked, and her chest contracted with a slight hiccup. “It’s… um… it’s actually good to hear your voice,” she confessed, knowing she shouldn’t have. Another long silence.

“I… I can’t help but wonder if you’re not okay, too,” he said quietly. Sam sniffed, taking in a deep but jagged breath.

“I will be,” she tried to sound optimistic, but she knew he could hear the pain in her voice.

“ _Sammy_ ,” he breathed and it was low and comforting and familiar and it said ‘ _I know you’re not okay.’_ How was it that the person who hurt her the most was the only one who could make her feel better? “For what it’s worth… I… Sam, I _really_ miss you.” Sam didn’t respond; she didn’t want to open her mouth because she was terrified of what would come out, so she instead took another gulp of wine. “It’s kinda weird,” he continued, as though this were a two-sided conversation. He let out a humorless, ironic chuckle, and Sam wasn’t ready to stop listening to his voice, so she sat quietly waiting for him to talk. “I feel like… in some other life, in some other universe… You would be the person I would call when I needed someone.” Sam knew the feeling, because it was mutual. “ _I dunno_ … maybe we knew each other in a past life,” he mused. She stared at a stray photograph on the floor - a candid of a bonfire party in the Washington’s backyard. Everyone was smiling and roasting marshmallows; but sure enough, in the thick of it all was she and Josh huddled up close together, sharing a blanket and leaning in closely, talking about something she didn’t even remember anymore. Had they always been so obvious?

“Please… _please_ say something,” he begged.

Sam took in a deep breath, then blew it out, saying slowly, “I will _never_ condone what you did to Liam, Elliot… but in some weird way… I understand.”

“I feel like… like you’re the _only_ person who understands me.” Sam closed her eyes and winced at the familiarity of those words. “And...if it’s any consolation,” he droned, and she could hear a bit of a smile in his voice as he said, “They were all really ugly,” referring to Liam’s mistresses. Sam let a quick chuckle escape her lips, despite herself.

“Can I please see you again? To… to explain myself. To properly apologize…?” Sam winced again, unsure if she was doing the right thing. She didn’t even know what the right thing was anymore. She couldn’t help but remember Elliot’s rant, about the black and the white and the grey in life. She was living in the grey.

“I’ll… um… I’ll think about it.”

“That’s better than a no,” he said, his voice brighter. It made her feel better. Even though it was so hard to talk to him, it was even harder not to. “I’ll take it.”

“Goodbye, Elliot,” she said quietly, ready for this conversation to end.

“It’s never goodbye,” he replied, and Sam’s phone beeped in her ear that the call was over and she was back in the silence again.

* * *

_To Be Continued...._


	14. I know you care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> O.M.G.  
> Big-fat sorry for everyone having to wait. I (Mogitz) went to Vegas for a few days and got engaged and Enula's son's birthday was this week so she's been busy and our schedules could just NOT come together...  
> Until now. <3

**Chapter 13:**

_ I know you care. _

* * *

 

_ “It’s never goodbye.”  _

 

Sam stared at the dark ceiling, the wine and  _ those _ words still spinning in her head - round and round and round again. Loud. Taunting. She groaned, pulling her pillow over her face, wishing she could smother herself. 

She just wanted it to  _ stop _ ; she didn’t want to  _ feel _ this way anymore. There was nothing worse than loving someone who’s broken, she’d decided. Because she could see the light through his cracks, the person she knew he was deep down inside, but he let the darkness in. She knew what Josh was capable of - more than she cared to remember.

Sam held back a shudder as she turned to her side. It was almost dawn, and she’d barely slept at all. Luckily, she had one more day of leave before she had to pull herself together and get back to her life. She’d been so torn up over this Elliot/Josh situation that it had all but consumed her entire being for the last- 

_ Wait… _

how long had it  _ been  _ now? A month and a half?

It felt so long ago that he first stepped into her office and destroyed everything she’d believed to be true for the last nine years and then... everything seemed to have happened all at once. 

The room was beginning to lighten with dawn’s first break, Sam alone in the blueblack cold of her barely unpacked bedroom. She decided when she realized that sleep would never overtake her that maybe she should just get up. She wondered if Josh was awake. She wondered if he was thinking about her.

Sam shook away useless thoughts (because what good did wondering such a thing do for her besides make her heart ache in her chest?) as she walked to her kitchen, reminded instantly of the night before, her photographs still scattered across the kitchen tiles. Cee-Cee had taken up refuge across the top of a loose pile of photos, so Sam leaned down and gently lifted the cat from the precious memories. Cee-Cee struggled to free herself from Sam’s grasp and scurried off towards the bedroom while Sam got down on the floor and began to collect the pictures. 

There were so many faces staring back at her. She wondered what the rest of them would think if they knew that Josh was still alive. They’d all grown and changed so much - they weren’t even the same people anymore. 

Giving up on the mess of pictures, Sam yawned, stepped over the mess and switched on her coffee maker - Heavy thoughts such as these were hard to comprehend without coffee. She eagerly awaited her liquid sunshine, especially since the view outside today was foggy and bleak for a change. She found herself smiling a bit; LA didn’t see days like these very often, days that made her feel overcome with nostalgia. The fog and the rain reminded her of the pacific northwest… which, of course, made her think about the lodge. Once again she pushed away the memories, knowing that if she let her mind linger too long she would fall back down the rabbithole, remembering another moment in their past that she couldn’t erase, but she couldn’t bear to remember right now.

Suddenly, Sam almost jumped out of her skin to the sound of hard, intimidating knocks on her front door. She tried not to be fearful in situations like these, but it was hard not to, especially now that she was a single woman, living alone near a big city. She swallowed the lump in her throat and eyed the clock on her oven; 7:48 am. Far too early for it to be a neighbor just dropping by to say hello.

She quietly walked towards the front door, startled once more when a loud, booming voice permeated through the door.

“Samantha Jensen?” it said. Another few knocks. She peeked through the peephole; two men. One was in an LAPD officer’s uniform, the other in casual dress. “This is a welfare check.”

“Who are you?” she spoke through the door at them.

“LAPD. We tried to come over yesterday but you weren’t home-” he began to explain.

“Hold up your badges, please,” she interrupted. The men exchanged looks before they each obliged.

“We just have a few questions for you,” the casual-dressed man assured, his voice softer now. Reassuring. Sam slowly unlocked the deadbolt, opening the door slowly. Once she got a better look at them, she felt a little more at ease. The uniformed man was black with a kind face. He tipped his hat at her. The other was an older man; probably a grandfather. “May we come in?” he asked. Sam wordlessly nodded, stepping to the side. 

Sam felt nervous as they examined her apartment - although she had no idea what they were looking for. Their eyes then fell to the floor, her mess of pictures only partially cleaned up, “Just move in?” the older man asked. Sam dropped to her knees, scooping up the photos and shoving them in the shoe box. 

“I’m sorry,” she huffed, slightly breathless. “ _ Who  _ are you?”

The older man stepped forward, reaching his hand down to shake hers and help her up at the same time, “I’m detective Sommers with the LAPD. This is officer Smalls. We are just here to check on you. Someone reported that they feared you might be in danger.”

_ Liam. _

Sam felt her stomach bubble deep down, her heart speeding up. She didn’t dare let her discomfort show on her face as she offered them a kind, tightlipped smile, “Coffee?” 

They declined and the three of them went towards the dining room, Sam stopping off to pour herself a mug, anyhow. She tried to steady the mug in her shaking hands as she joined them, trying not to give away her nervousness. Feigning a sense of confidence, she took a seat across from them at her mahogany, dining room table.

“So… what brings you gentlemen here?” she asked with a forced smile. She pulled her tanktop strap back onto her shoulder, adjusting herself in her seat. She knew why they were there. And she was terrified.

The men shared a look before Sommers spoke (she was noticing quickly that Smalls was a man of very little words). “We are here to ask you a few questions about one of your patients-”

Sam’s eyes flickered from man to man, and she could feel her smile depleting.

“Well, I’m sure you two are familiar with doctor/patient confidentiality,” she said, her voice raspy and low, “but I’ll try to help you in any way I can.” Another smile. If Josh could see her, he would call her out for it being one of her ‘faux’ smiles, as he called them. He could always tell when she wasn’t being genuine.

“The patient in question is Mr. Elliot Roth. Have you seen him lately?” Sam cleared her throat, reaching down and taking a sip of scalding hot coffee; it burned her tongue but she pretended it hadn’t. She needed the time to think.

“ _ Well _ ,” she sighed, setting the mug down, “I took a few weeks off recently… for personal reasons. In the meantime, I referred Elliot to Dr. Robert Stedson. I hear he’s doing quite well in my absence.”

“When was the last time you saw Mr. Roth?” Sam tried not to picture the look in Josh’s eyes when she left him in his apartment that night. 

“Oh, gosh…” Sam said, blowing her bangs from her eyes as she stared at the ceiling, trying to come up with an answer. She didn’t want to lie, but she also couldn’t very well tell them the truth. “I’d say around two weeks?”  _ Two weeks, three days, eighteen hours.  _ “Right before I took my leave.”

“Has Mr. Roth ever given you any indication that he might be….dangerous?”

Involuntarily, Josh flashed across Sam’s mind. Masked. Menacing. Nearing her. 

_ “I am going to give you ten seconds…nine…” _

Sam tried to keep her voice even as she said, “I believe Elliot Roth is a bit  _ disturbed _ , as most psychologist’s patients are-”

“But, do you believe him to be dangerous? To himself? To others?” 

_ “Eight...seven…” _

“No,” Sam choked, trying to sound convincing. Her eyes met with the uniformed man, Smalls; she felt more at ease under his kind gaze. “No, I don’t think so. Especially not since he started taking his medication.” Sommers adjusted in his chair, folding his arms over his chest. “Is he in some kind of trouble, officers?” Sam asked, her eyes wide in faked innocence.

“I’m going to be frank with you here. We have received some pretty hefty accusations about your patient, Dr. Jensen. We just need to clear a few things through you. We need you to be completely honest.” Sam nodded obediently. “Do you happen to know where your patient was the from November 19th to the 20th?” Sam felt her cheeks flush as she remembered the date on the video. The break-up with Liam. The days following their visit to Chris and Ashley’s…

“He was with me,” she blurted before she could stop herself. The officers exchanged glances once more and Sam wished she could read minds. “I um… I’d been trying some more unorthodox methods of psychoanalysis and we spent those days doing extensive therapy sessions.”

“So… he was with you the whole time,” Sommers recited flatly. Sam nodded. 

“Well, he went home to sleep of course,” she snorted but sobered quickly. “It’s in my log at work,” she lied, “I can show it to you.” She’d just run to the office before them and change it. No problem. She could do this.   

Sommers sighed, leaning in on the table, looking like he was getting down to business. Sam squirmed in her chair, almost fearing she needed to slip her hands under her thighs to keep them from shaking. Sommers lowered his voice, as though he were letting her in on some kind of secret.

“Dr. Jensen, your former fiance is claiming that your patient might have abducted and tormented him over those dates… He also claims that you have been carrying on a borderline inappropriate relationship with your patient. We just to make sure that you aren’t threatened by Mr. Roth in any-”

“I’m fine,” Sam snapped. 

“Because we are here to help you if you need-”

“I said, I’m fine,” Sam repeated, and she suddenly felt 19 again, talking about Josh on the mountain.

_ I thought we were close. After his sisters disappeared he’d come talk to me. He said I was the only one who understood him. _

“Look,” Sam said, sitting up straight, “I left Liam on November 18th, and it was quite a shock to him. He was an absolute wreck. When he gets like that he… drinks a lot. Gets things mixed up. He was insanely jealous of the time I had to spend with Elliot during our sessions, as Elliot isn’t just suffering from acute schizophrenia, but also memory retention from a traumatic experience in his past. I think…” she paused, realizing the light she was painting Liam in; realizing how she was once again protecting Josh… but she couldn’t let him go to jail. He was HER responsibility during that time and SHE had failed him.

Just like she’d failed him when she left him with Mike in those mines.

“In my professional opinion based on seeing Liam’s state yesterday, I think Liam is having a mental break and I would take very little of what he says seriously.”

“And what state was he in?” Sommers pressed. 

“Well, I stopped at his house to get some of my last belongings and he was… incoherent, almost. I left in a hurry because he had a gun, he was carrying it around in his hand and talking nonsense…”

“We did notice he was a little…  _ disheveled  _ when we got there,” Sommers nodded, running his hand over his mouth. 

“We have witnesses saying that his house was empty those dates that Liam claims he was abducted,” Smalls finally spoke, and Sam was surprised at how smooth and relaxing his voice was. She gave a smile and a shrug.

“Yeah… well… I left Liam because he liked to go off the grid a lot,” she confessed, “and usually it was with another woman, so… maybe he was with one of his girlfriends.”

The men looked convinced - not only _ convinced _ , but sympathetic. One of the very best parts of being able to delve into the human psyche was her ability to manipulate it as well. 

“Well, I think that’s all we needed to hear,” Sommers said, standing and adjusting his belt. “Thank you for your time, ma’am, sorry to have bothered you,” he smiled politely, the two men walking towards the door. He turned to Sam before he left.

“Just so we’re clear… You don’t feel like you’re in  _ any  _ danger in regards to your patient?”

_ “Sam… Sa-aam.”  _ she could still hear his voice taunting in the back of her head. But she gave another thin smile.

“Not at all.”

  
  


* * *

 

“C’mon... pick up your _ phone _ !” Sam grumbled into the receiver after the millionth time she had tried calling Josh to warn him about the visit she’d just had. She was not at all surprised to find that Elliot seemed to be just as horrible with his phone as Josh was. “ _ Damnit _ ,” she hissed under her breath, ripping the phone down from her head and tossing it on passenger seat next to her. Obviously it was a useless gesture, and she was nearly to his apartment anyhow.

Sam wondered if there would ever be a situation in Josh’s life in which she wouldn’t choose (time and time again) to rescue him. Wasn’t it supposed to be the other way around? Wasn’t he supposed to be the one who saved her? 

Against her will, Sam felt her lips turn up into a smile when she really thought about it and realized that in a way, he  _ did _ . Josh saved her from a lifetime of regret from marrying Liam. He saved her from mediocrity and…  _ so _ much more. 

Even still, leave it to Sam to be there to clean up his mess.  

She haphazardly rolled up and threw on her warning lights, parking against a yellow curb but not caring enough to take the time to find a reasonable parking space - she needed to get to Josh’s apartment now, and doing that seemed worth the parking ticket. 

She worried she wasn’t going to be buzzed inside, but luckily an older man was on his way out while she neared, and he was kind enough to hold the door for her.

“Thanks,” she mumbled as she swiftly brushed by him, trying for the life of her to remember exactly where his apartment was, since the last time she had been here she was pretty intoxicated. 

As she passed each door, she couldn’t help but remember the one and only time during Josh’s short duration at college that she’d actually come to visit him - all those apartment doors passing by as she and Hannah tried to find his.

It was a surprise; Hannah was going to check out the campus because she was interested in enrolling in the fall (as was Sam, at this point, although she continued to deny vehemently that her decision had anything to do with Josh. Beth and Hannah just rolled their eyes and smiled).

“So, come with me then! I’m going next weekend. And I overheard Emily saying that Mike was thinking about transferring there…” She paused as she gauged Sam’s look of disapproval before she added, “ _ and _ it’s the best college within 300 miles for me to get my fine arts degree-”

“You still wanna be a curator?” Sam asked, her eyebrow raised. 

“ _ This _ week,” Beth snorted, turning the page of her magazine. Hannah’s major changed with her mood. Last month it was a vet. Sam deduced that her future plans continually changed since her lifetime dream of being married to Prince William (Or Harry, she wasn’t picky) was thrashed into a million pieces in 2011 when he married Kate Middleton. Since she didn’t know of any other princes, she had no idea what she was going to do, but being a princess was clearly out of the question.

“Well, I’m leaving next Saturday morning, so you’ll either come with me, or not. But I’m sure Josh would be pretty excited to see you…” Hannah tempted, her voice singsong like a Siren. Sam smiled to herself; she hadn’t seen him since Christmas. The memory of that time left a warm, fluttery feeling in Sam’s belly and she couldn’t wait to get the chance to see him again. It was mid January now and it felt like forever since Christmas break, even though very little time had passed at all.

Josh had been pretty good at keeping in contact, but he was struggling with other things. Whenever Sam caught him on the phone he was distracted, stressed, frustrated. “What does biochemistry have to do with psychology, anyway?” he would groan. She hated that she couldn’t be there to try to make him feel better, but college was proving difficult for the eldest Washington sibling. 

Sam  _ definitely  _ wanted to visit though; she had been over last weekend, visiting Hannah and Beth (as she usually did), but when she went downstairs to pop some popcorn before their cheesy, romantic movie-fest they were geared up for, she’d overheard Melinda on the telephone in the dining room. 

Sam grabbed the package, unwrapping it and placing it in the microwave, trying to listen over the sounds of the pop-pop-popping. Normally, Sam wasn’t one to eavesdrop, but her ears had already perked at the mention of Josh. 

“I just.. I think maybe he’d be better if he just came  _ home _ and took some classes at the community college,” she’d overheard Melinda say to some unknown recipient on the other end of her phone. “I _ know _ … it’s just, I think it would be better if he were closer to home. Josh has… always been an unusual boy. His compass hasn’t always pointed due north. We never know when he will have another episode...I worry about him most…”

Of course, Sam didn’t believe these things. Yes, Melinda was Josh’s mother. No one knew him like her. But… no one knew and loved him like she did, either. Sam knew Josh had his problems; didn’t everyone? But Sam also knew that Melinda had to trust him to figure himself out, to take responsibility for himself, otherwise he would never grow.

So, when Saturday rolled around, Sam was at Hannah’s car with an overnight bag.

“I… wasn’t sure how long we were planning on staying,” she said, sheepishly pointing towards the embarrassingly pink duffle bag - her mom had gotten it for her during the one month Sam thought she wanted to play volleyball, which proved to be just too time-consuming.

“I guess we’ll just see where the night takes us,” Hannah said, hoisting Sam’s bag into the trunk.

They drove the three hours, Hannah only stopping off to call Josh once for final directions. She decided not to tell Josh that Sam was coming, too, figuring that if Sam wanted him to know she would have told her himself. 

When he opened the door, Sam was certain she’d never seen his (normally half-lidded and tired) eyes so big. Josh chuffed out a laugh, mouth spreading in a stupid smile. 

“You didn’t tell me you brought a stowaway,” he teased, unable to hide the fact that he was simply overjoyed to see Sam tagged along.

“Yeah, well… they have a pretty good conservation program here, I hear…” Sam shrugged, her own smile growing as well. Josh bypassed his sister altogether to pull Sam in for an embrace, followed up with a kiss. Sam blushed, realizing instantly that was the first time he’d so openly done such a thing in front of… well,  _ anyone _ . 

“Gross,” Hannah mumbled. “But also romantic, guys,” she sighed in admission. “We aren’t standing out in this hallway all day, though,  _ dweeb _ ,” she said, shoving past the barricade of Sam and Josh’s bodies standing in the doorway. She turned, walking backwards into the apartment before pointing at them, “and just gonna say, I called it. Emily owes me fifty bucks…”

“Wait, was there a bet? What was it?” Sam frowned.

“Whether or not you guys would still be messing around after New Years,” she shrugged, instantly pulling open Josh’s fridge, searching for some kind of sustenance. 

“Emily bet against us?” Josh called out over his shoulder, although he hardly cared as Hannah went on to explain the bet that she and Emily had waged. “Hi,” he said quietly, Sam still held securely in his arms. “Fancy meeting you here…”

“Oh, I was just in the neighborhood,” Sam joked, and she was rewarded with another kiss.

“Okay,  _ noooo! _ That’s not why we are here!” Hannah interjected, stomping over towards the couple and grabbing Sam’s arm, dragging her farther into the apartment. “You guys will have plenty of time for your weird, twisted… whatever this is.” Hannah, of course, was only saying these things in jest. She didn’t have a mean bone in her body. “We have lots to do and very little time.” They did, of course. A campus tour, a meeting with an admissions counselor, all of the reasons they had actually come. It wasn’t until after all that stuff, when Hannah was snuggled up on Josh’s couch watching The Bachelor, that Sam and Josh could finally slip away to the privacy of his bedroom.

“I thought you had roommates…?” Sam expressed as she plopped down onto his bed. She glanced around his room; it was like a generic knock-off of his one at home. Josh was, indeed, a creature of habit.

“Yeah… I uh.. I kicked them out.”   
“ _ Awww _ , their clothes mountains got too high to climb?” Sam mocked in a whine. Josh smirked with a chuckle.

“Something like that. But...you don’t need roommates when you’re a Washington, anyway,” he said huskily, plopping down next to her. There wasn’t another moment between them before they began to take full advantage of the privacy, but Sam couldn’t stop thinking about what she’d overheard Melinda saying over the phone. Even as Josh dipped her down on the bed, his hand creeping steadily up her shirt and his lips tracing her neck, Sam was distracted. She closed her eyes and turned her head a bit to give him more access, trying to clear her mind and just be here in the moment; with him away at college and six more months of high school til summer, moments like this for Josh and Sam were going to be far and few between. 

Sam opened her eyes, and the first thing she noticed was his prescription pill bottle on his nightstand. It was mostly full - little white pills that kept him as the Josh she adored. She couldn’t help but notice that the bottle was pretty full… and the refill date was less than a week away. Her heart fell to her stomach as she realized that he wasn’t taking his meds again… at least not regularly. 

“Josh,” Sam began, and he hummed acknowledgement into her neck. “You doin’ okay?” His head popped up, his expression a bit puzzled.

“Um…  _ I’d _ say so,” he said, pulling her a little bit closer to him. He read her face though and realized she wasn’t talking about just this moment. “What is it, Sam,” he said, and Sam hated that tone - as though she were nagging him or beating a dead horse - ‘what is it  _ now?’ _ . She gave an insecure shrug, suddenly wishing she’d just kept her mouth shut and not ruined the moment. 

“Just… I don’t know. Something I overheard your mom say-”

“ _ What _ ,” Josh snapped, and Sam felt her brows furrow at the harshness in his voice. “What did she say?” Now Sam was definitely regretting bringing it up. She tried to backpedal, but Josh was already sitting up at the end of his bed, his hand exasperatedly running through his hair. Sam sat up quickly, her hand finding his back comfortingly as she leaned into him. 

“Josh, really, it’s nothing. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t under too much pressure out here,” she explained. Josh snorted, rolling his eyes.

“College is  _ hard _ , Sam! Everyone knows that. Pressure is just part of the experience. Normal kids survive it every year.” He wasn’t wrong. But he also wasn’t just a normal kid. Especially when he couldn’t take care of himself.

“I just worry-”

“Well,  _ stop _ worrying about me, Sam! Stop mothering me. Stop making sure I-I’m taking my pills o-or eating my vegetables and brushing my teeth.” Sam cringed at the exaggerated examples; she’d never meant to make him feel this way.

“I-” she choked out “I’m sorry…” She’d never really ever made Josh upset at her. And all she was trying to do was help him… She felt deep down in her core that it was her job to save him.

Sam saw Josh’s eyes flicker with recognition and then soften, “No,  _ I’m _ sorry,” he sighed, bringing her under his arm and pulling her close to his side. Sam wrapped her own arms around his waist and they didn’t really say much more. She felt him press a kiss into her hair.

Sam hated that this was the last time she and Josh would spend together before the night the twins disappeared, before everything changed. “I’m tired,” he suddenly said. Sam quietly nodded and they ended up just crawling into his bed and snuggling up close to each other. Sam didn’t sleep, and she was fairly certain that he didn’t either. She wanted to say something, anything to him to let him know that this overbearing feeling she had over him came from a place of love. 

But she didn’t. 

She figured she would tell him everything she wanted to say, all the years she loved him and how much he meant to her at the annual winter getaway. It was only two weeks away, and it was going to be perfect.

 

In the present, Sam was almost completely certain she’d found his door. Without second guessing herself (since, really, there was no time for that now), she started banging on the door.

 

“Elliot?” she called out. The urge to use his real name was practically unbearable at this point. She reached up and banged again. “Elliot, open up! It’s important!” Sam felt her breath stolen from her when the door swung open, and there he was. It felt like it had been forever, and if she were a weaker person, she might have embraced him immediately, but she knew she couldn’t. His eyes were wide, flickering with excitement. She didn’t have time for  _ that, _ either. 

“Hi,” he said, short and breathless. He seemed to be just as frozen as she was. She narrowed her eyes, pushing past him. “Oh. Come on in,” he said to her back, swinging the door shut behind them. “Sam, you have  _ no  _ idea how sorry I am and how glad I am that you’re-” he paused as Sam hurried over towards his computer, beginning to pull at various cords and hardware. “Hey!  _ Wha _ , whoa whoa, what are you doing!?” Josh exclaimed, shooting over towards her to intervene. Sam swung around, her finger in his face.

“ _ You _ are about to get us both in a lot of trouble,” she said through gritted teeth. “So help me,” she commanded. Josh scratched the back of his neck, watching her in confusion.

“What am I helping you with here, exactly? Other than destroying thousands of dollars worth of equipment…” Sam shot him a quick glare before she ripped a cord straight from… well, whatever it was, it seemed important. Especially when she saw his eyes widen. 

“I had two of LA’s finest at my house today,” Sam shared. “They were there to ask me some questions about…”

“Me,” he guessed quietly. 

“ _ And _ me. But yeah, mostly you. I guess that little game you played with Liam left quite an impression. He filed a police report claiming that you kidnapped him,” Sam shook her head at the end of her sentence, hating that she even had to say that out loud - worse that she knew it was true. “He also said you were a threat to me and that I was in danger being around you,” she added, but she probably didn’t need to. What she’d said first was bad enough.

“And… what did you tell them?” Josh asked meekly. Sam stopped tugging at wires and took in a deep breath. She glanced over at him, and his pathetic but adorable face made her chuckle, despite herself. He looked so… terrified. It was just so  _ Josh  _ to do something awful, something without thinking of the consequences, and then hating himself for it later. Then, she started to remember what she needed to tell him, but it seemed so hard to say.

“I… um…” she stammered, and now she was frustrated with herself for wasting valuable time. There was no way those police officers weren’t still going to come over to Josh’s to ask him some questions and take a look around his apartment. When it would happen was real question. “I told them that you weren’t a danger...to me or anyone,” she said, her voice low. She saw his lips twitch into almost a smile. She tried in vain not to mirror him, but she could feel her own lips curving as well. She broke their eye contact and looked down at her hands as she fidgeted with her fingers a bit, nervously. “I also told them… that you were with me the whole time.” His eyes widened and brightened and she hated the way he looked so damn happy. 

“You gave me an alibi?” he said quietly, amusedly. “Samantha Jensen, you naughty girl!” he teased, far too giddy with the news that she might have just saved his life. No, she certainly did. 

“Okay,  _ no. _ Do not call me that. Boundaries, Elliot. And we need to focus here,” she instructed, and she was so relieved to see the clearness in his eyes, the presence. She could tell just by looking at him that he was taking his medication as instructed. “We need to find that video…”

“Video,” he repeated, thinking. 

“The incriminating video of you torturing my ex fiance,” Sam almost yelled, as if there were any other tape she could be referring to… and then she shuddered at the thought, “and any other possible home movies you might have of you torturing _ other _ people as well,” she added flatly. 

“Nope, just the one!” Josh said, almost as though he were proud. He bounded off to his room before coming back with a USB. He rolled it around in his fingers like a baton, then nudged it towards Sam. “I destroyed all the other copies after you left…” he promised. 

“And you are  _ positive  _ that this is the only incriminating item you have here? No voice boxes, no ropes, no clown masks-” she caught herself at the end, clearing her throat.

“Are you crazy?” Josh snorted, walking past her to peer out the window and check to see if there were any police outside. He turned back towards her, “I keep all that stuff in a storage in Englewood. I would never keep it here. That’s amatuer hour, Sammy.” Sam blinked a few times - she had no idea if he was joking. Whatever. She had to hurry. The police showing up and her being there would only be even more suspicious. She dropped the USB on the ground and stomped on it, hearing it crunch under her shoe. She reached down and grabbed the pieces, shoving them in the pocket of her jeans. 

“ _ Listen _ ,” she said, nearing him, a little calmer now. He gazed down at her and she suddenly felt like that eighteen year old girl, staring up at the boy she was in love with. It was so damn hard not to see him like that, no matter how hard she tried. She reached up and placed and hand on each of his shoulders, giving him a gentle shake. “If the police come here… you were with me on November 19th and 20th. We were having extensive therapy sessions in regards to helping you regain your memories...You don’t have to be detailed about it… just describe a normal day in your life and don’t look as insane as Liam did and you’ll be fine,” she paused before correcting herself, “ _ we’ll _ be fine.”

Josh smiled down at her, “You still care about me,” he said. It almost sounded like a tease, but Sam ignored that. 

“I care about all my patients. And I care about not getting my license revoked or thrown in jail for lying to police officers for you.” Josh’s gaze and smirk were unwavering. Sam felt her cheeks grow warm - why did he have to look at her like that? “ _ And _ … I care about you,” she admitted. She felt Josh’s hands wrap around her waist as he practically stole a hug from her. Her hands were still on his shoulders and she knew very well she could push him away. Instead, she closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around his neck. It felt good to be wrapped up in him, but more than any romantic feelings she had for Josh, it felt good to hug her best friend. The space she’d taken had been necessary, but she had spent every moment of that time missing him. And she knew he felt the same way about her.

Finally, because if she didn’t she never would, Sam let go of him and took a step back, feeling a little dizzy and drunk off of him. She took one more glance around his apartment, making sure she’d covered the tracks. She pointed towards the mess under his computer desk from her tearing into the wires before, “Sorry about the, uh…” she didn’t finish her sentence. It didn’t matter. “I need to go. Just… take care of yourself,” she said, tucking her loose hair behind her ear. She lowered her eyes and began walking towards his door, because for some reason this apartment had some kind of vortex that pulled them together each time they were in it. 

“Sam, er… Dr. Jensen,” he said, and Sam halted. “Um… I’d… I would really, really like to come back to my sessions with you…” Sam didn’t look at him, her hand on his door knob. She bit her tongue, squeezing her eyes shut as she fought what was dying to come out of her mouth.

“You can start tomorrow,” escaped her lips, anyway, although she already knew that it would. She pushed forward, hearing him utter a thank you as she pulled the door closed behind her.

 

* * *

 

Sam walked into her office for the first time in two and a half weeks, yet it felt like almost no time had passed at all. Bryana looked up from behind the front desk, a huge smile brightening up her face.

“Welcome back, Dr. Jensen!” she greeted warmly.

“Thank you, Bryana,” Sam said, dropping her large bags from her shoulders down to the crooks of her elbows, “And thank you for keeping everything under control while I was gone.”

“No problem at all. Almost all your patients have been asking about you—they all told me to tell you that they hope you’re well and can’t wait to see you again.”

Sam’s heart warmed upon knowing that so many of her clients liked her enough to be concerned, and didn’t deem her absence as an inconvenience to them, “It’s good to be back. And I have an eight AM appointment with Elliot, yes?”

Bryana nodded, “He actually came in already, but then said he was going to grab a cup of tea from the place down the street. He should be back in a few minutes.”

Sam smiled when she knew Josh was getting the tea for her. She didn’t doubt that he was going to try to do whatever small thing he could to let her know how sorry he was. 

It made her remember a time when she was fourteen years old; she was staying the night at the Washington house, though she mostly kept with Hannah and Beth that night since Josh had Chris over. Hannah had ended up caking Sam in heavy make-up, saying that Sam just had the best skin for it. 

“She won’t have good skin once all that make-up gets in her pores,” Beth deadpanned, and Sam could just see the look of shock on Beth’s face when Hannah was all done. To put it simply, Hannah made her look like an over the top drag queen clown that had a bit too much to drink.

“Hannah…couldn’t you have at least made me look cute?” Sam asked, staring at her reflection in disgust. 

“You look super cute when you’re  _ au naturale,”  _ Beth complimented.

Sam smiled, “Thanks, Beth…at least someone thinks so.”

“Who doesn’t think so?” Beth asked, “I’ll kick their ass for you.”

“Hannah, apparently.” Sam joked, but kept a straight face.

“Aw…c’mon, you guys. So I went a little overboard. It’s nothing Lady Gaga wouldn’t do.”

Sam laughed, “That just might be the point, Hann. I think I’m gonna take a quick shower—that might be the best way to scrub these ten layers off.”

Sam left Hannah’s room hearing the twins arguing about something. She went down the hall to the shower, hoping Josh wouldn’t see her looking like this. She hadn’t heard or seen Josh all evening though, so she assumed him and Chris were in the game room playing a videogame.

Sam got in the shower and scrubbed her face hard, somehow feeling three inches of makeup coming off. She used the bottles of soap and shampoo and conditioner she knew were Hannah’s and it wasn’t until she was almost done that she realized that there was an odd smell of vinegar in the air. She looked at her skin and saw that she was a weird mixture of blue, green, and purple.

_ “JOSH!!”  _ She screamed before she could even stop herself. She knew instantly that Josh had filled the bottles with vinegar and dye—she smelled exactly like a huge Easter egg. 

She turned off the shower and threw on her pajama bottoms and top without even drying herself off. As soon as she stepped out of the bathroom, she was face to face with Hannah, Beth, Josh, and Chris. Hannah and Beth looked shocked at all the colors on Sam’s skin and in her hair, but Chris and Josh were trying to hide back their laughter, which didn’t last too long.

“What did you do?!” Sam yelled, feeling really heated that Josh’s little prank was literally tainted  _ all  _ over her.

“It was meant for Hannah, I swear!” Josh said between laughs, but he could hardly look at her without losing it.

“Hey!” Hannah yelled angrily, “You seriously wasted all my soap?”

Sam groaned, “Besides the point! This wouldn’t have showed up in  _ your  _ hair—but mine is—.”

She stopped with Josh and Chris continued to laugh. She wanted to be able to laugh at it too, but she could feel the embarrassment going through her, “You better hope this comes out before school on Monday!”

“I think baking soda and vinegar will get most of it off…” Beth offered before heading downstairs to get the ingredients. 

Sam shot Josh a look before going back into the bathroom to wait for Beth. Then with the help of the twins, Sam was able to get most of her skin looking normal again, though her hair certainly had better days. 

The three girls ended up in the entertainment room to watch some movies and eat popcorn. They each sat on different couches and Sam knew part of it was because she smelled like a walking bottle of vinegar. Eventually, Josh and Chris joined them and Sam felt her body temperature rise when Josh sat down so close to her that they were almost touching. 

They didn’t say anything for a good ten minutes, but then Sam felt him place something on her lap. She looked down to see a clear gift bag with a hand-tied red ribbon, dark chocolate nonpareils inside. He placed a yellow sticky note on the front and written in his sloppy handwriting was  _ “Sorry I turned you into an Easter egg. PS. I made sure the chocolate was safe for vegans.” _

She looked slightly over at him, and she was glad the room was dark save for the glow of the TV and that everyone else was focused on the movie.

“Let’s talk about how big of a jerk I am,” he said lowly so only she could hear, “I mean… _ wow,  _ what the fuck, Josh--right?”

Her lips tugged up into a small smile as she clenched the bag of chocolates in her hand, “You’re  _ such  _ a jerk.”

She knew he could tell that was her way of telling him that she forgave him and that,  _ yes,  _ his prank  _ was kinda funny. _

“And for the record…” he started, his eyes now completely on the screen so he wouldn’t have to look her in the eyes, “you’re the prettiest Easter egg I ever made.”

In the present, Sam looked up from her desk when she heard a small knock on her door. She smiled when Josh slipped in, closing the door before walking over to her and handing her a large cup of tea.

“For you.”

“And here I thought I’d have to go without the extra boost today,” she teased as she took the tea from him and took a sip of the hot liquid, “Thank you, Elliot.”

He nodded and sat down on the couch, his hands feeling the cushions beside him, “It’s so good to be back in your office…it feels like I haven’t seen you in forever.”

She tried to keep her face neutral when she said, “You saw me yesterday.”

“Well…yeah, but…” he paused, seemed to think hard about something, then smirked, “By the way—good call on stopping by to get rid of that video…the cops showed up at my place almost right after you left.”

Sam felt her heart drop at the thought. If the cops had arrived at his apartment while she was there,  _ so  _ many bad things could have come of it. They would know that she was involved with him somehow if she was at his place; they would know she was there to warn him about them since they were just at her place; and if she was there to warn him, then he  _ obviously  _ had something to hide…which in turn would make it obvious that she knew about it as well and straight up lied to the police.

Josh laughed, “It was great because it really made them think Liam was insane. The one cop said—.”

“Elliot, that’s not funny,” Sam stopped him with irritation in her voice, “You  _ know  _ that he’s not insane and you could have seriously gotten yourself in trouble.”

His smile faltered, but he continued to try to make light of the situation, “Yeah, but you totally saved me when—.”

“I  _ did  _ save you, only because I knew that if you were caught, you’d end up right back where you started…! Do you really want to go back to another hospital, Elliot? Because that’s what would have happened and I  _ cannot  _ take being separated for years from you  _ again _ !” Sam held her breath when she was done. She had no idea why she said all that…it was a mistake. But Josh just looked so proud for having gotten away with his prank that it took her back to nearly ten years ago when she lost him because of something that should have been nothing more than stupid prank.

And she could tell that Josh was confused at her words, but also felt ashamed. The smug look on his face quickly washed away to one of guilt and she thought—maybe some tough love was what he needed. 

“I’m sorry, I—,” he searched for more right words, and Sam watched as his eyes scanned across the room before settling on her again, “I’m sorry.”

“Good; I’m glad,” she said with complete sincerity and she took a delighted sip of her tea, and she knew he knew that was her way of saying that he was forgiven, “Now how about we try our best to move on from all of that, okay? Do you have anything particular you’d like to talk about today?”

“Um…” he stared down at his hands that were now in his lap. A long moment and then: “Remember when I asked you about hypnosis?” 

She crossed her legs and nodded, “I do…is this something you’re still interested in?”

“Kinda…I mean…yeah, I think,” he admitted, looking up at her, “It’s not gonna—trap me inside myself though, right? I won’t start—seeing things flying around that aren’t really there?”

She smiled softly, “You watch too many horror movies.”

He chuckled, “There’s no such thing.”

Sam leaned back in her chair, interlacing her fingers in her lap, “No, you won’t get trapped inside yourself. And you can’t be made to do or say anything you don’t want to—you retain power over your ability to act upon suggestions. Your senses will actually become enhanced, rather than reduced.”

“I love it when you talk all technical,” he teased with a small grin.

It took everything in her to not return the grin, “Elliot—I want you to know that there’s no guarantee that hypnosis will even work. Memory is selective and malleable. You may be able to recall some events from your past that you are consciously unaware of but there is no guarantee that the recall will be accurate.”

“Well…what have I got to lose then, right?” He said optimistically, but Sam could see the disappointment in his eyes, “I would just…really like to know if there was something specific that made me—like this.”

Sam’s eyebrows furrowed at his honesty, “Sometimes our mind blocks out certain events because it makes it easier to live not knowing…”

“Yeah, but mine blocked out  _ all  _ events from before I was in that hospital. Was my  _ whole  _ life that horrible?”

Sam wished there was some sort of visor she could magically lift from his eyes to show him that, no, his whole life wasn’t horrible. In fact, he had a great life before: Great friends, perfect sisters, a wonderful (if not a bit whacked) sense of humor… _ her. _

“We’ll try past-life regression,” she said, standing up from her chair and flicking on her dull desk lamp before turning off the ceiling lights. “You can lie down,” she told him as she got her pendulum from her bottom drawer. She set it on her desk, flicking the hand to make it swing, “Let’s just listen to the sound of the ticking for a moment.”

Josh laid down on the couch, his head propped up by the soft arm. He closed his eyes and rested his hands over his stomach. Sam wheeled her chair over to the couch so she was close to him. And then they became silent. Her own mind focused on the swing of the pendulum and the gentle rise and fall of Josh’s chest. His heart was still beating, there was air in his lungs—Josh was alive and she knew he was still somewhere in there. She didn’t believe she could make him necessarily  _ remember  _ by doing this, but maybe it could help him recall a specific memory that will eventually trigger more.

“I can feel you staring at me,” he said lowly and with eyes still closed.

“I’m just making sure you’re relaxed,” she told him, “Are you uncomfortable?”

He shook his head slightly, “No, I like—I’m fine.”

She smiled when she caught that he was going to say  _ ‘I like you staring’  _ but changed his mind. It showed that he was serious about this.

Sam waited a few more minutes of relaxation to the sound of the pendulum. The young girl in her wanted to ask  _ so  _ many question right off the bat—what went through your mind when you tortured Liam? When you tortured  _ me?  _ But the doctor in her knew that wasn’t practical.  She began speaking softly: “You told me before about a reoccurring dream. A monster drops you into a mine and you see two girls. Do you still have that dream?”

“Yes,” he said simply, quickly.

“Has anything else happened in the dream recently that you can remember?”

“Yes.”

“Like what?”

“You’re there,” he said, and Sam tried to make her heart remain steady, “You’re there with me, and you tell me you’re there to help.”

“And do I?”

He licked his lips slowly, as if he wasn’t sure he wanted to admit to the next part, “No…I watch you climb out of the mines and I’m left alone again.”

Sam held her breath, the ticking in the background somehow seeming louder. He was definitely having a dream of the last time they saw each other. About the very moment she regretted most out of everything in her life. She blamed herself for his death for years because of that decision she made to leave him in the mines. But she didn’t know that that was the last time she’d ever see him, and that his  _ death  _ would happen in less than ten minutes.

“Do you think you’ve been let down in your life before?” She finally asked.

“Yes…”

“By who?”

“My…my doctors. My family. Myself—.”

“Me?” she asked, unable to stop herself.

“No.”

“But you said I left you in the mines.”

“But I deserved it. I hurt you,” his eyebrows narrowed, his calm face now looking strained. 

“How did you hurt me?”

“You trusted me…” Josh trailed off, looking uncertain, and she knew she had to double back.

“How did your family let you down?”

He was silent for a long moment, his breathing becoming a bit faster, “I remember hearing the doctors talking about how my parents signed the final papers. They were there to sign papers but didn’t see me.”

Sam’s heart shattered when she remembered her visit to Melinda’s. And when she thought about how one little action from his parents could have saved him from all this memory loss and complete uncertainty of who he really was and where he came from—it made her sick to her stomach.

“How did your doctors let you down?”

“They never believed me—they would ask me, then I would tell them, but they would punish me for saying it…”

“Say what?”

Josh shook his head quickly, “I can’t—.”

“I’ll believe you.”

“Sam…” he opened his eyes and looked at her, all sadness and doubt, “I wish I could tell you…but they made me forget— _ they  _ made me.”

“Okay,” she accepted, tears stinging her eyes at the passionate defeat in his tone, “I’m going to set a scene for you. Is that alright?”

He continued to stare at her as if he suddenly felt self-conscious, “I…I don’t know, I don’t think this is working. Maybe I can’t be hypnotized…”

She smiled softly when she sensed him becoming nervous, “We can stop if you don’t feel comfortable.”

“It’s not really that…I don’t think,” he said, sitting himself up on the couch. He rubbed his hands over his face before trying to explain, “It just feels like…you know when you’re about to do something that doesn’t  _ feel s _ afe? Like when you walk to the edge of a cliff…you’re still in complete control of your body, but you still have that fear about falling off? That’s kinda how this feels…”

Sam felt her heart skip a beat. She knew all too well what he was talking about. There was something inside of  _ Elliot  _ that made him feel close to some sort of breakthrough (from  _ Josh)  _ but the enormity of the discovery was giving him anxiety. Once they made a breakthrough, he could never go back. But it really made Sam wonder just how close to a breakthrough they were…

“How’s your new medication working for you?” She asked, suddenly realizing that they were still in a darkened room with her sitting close to him, but neither of them seemed to mind.

“Good. I feel like I can focus more in my classes. And I’m turning in my assignments ahead of time…”

“That’s great, Elliot,” she complimented, though she wasn’t sure if it was completely true or if he was saying something that he knew she wanted to hear, “And have you been talking to any of your classmates? Make any new friends?”

Josh thought about it for a moment before saying, “Well, there is this one girl…”

Sam’s heart plummeted into her stomach though she tried to keep her face neutral, “Oh? A girl?”

But Josh saw her expression and grinned a bit, “Not like  _ that.  _ You don’t have anything to worry about there…”

Sam blushed and tried to think of something to say that would  _ not  _ make it seem like she was feeling any sort of jealousy, but Josh went on before she could respond.

“Her name is…umm, I think it’s Dana? I’m bad with names especially when people quickly introduce themselves…anyway, she looks like she’s fourteen. We got paired together for an in class project and she told me that her husband joined the military as soon as they finished high school and he got stationed overseas. So she’s actually seventeen—maybe eighteen? I told her she was really young to be married.”

“That is quite young,” Sam agreed.

“Yeah, she said everyone tells her that, but they knew what they wanted and went for it. She was really talkative. She said I reminded her of her older brother. And she kinda reminds me of a younger sister type. You know—annoying but tolerable.”

Sam laughed at his description, sure she heard Josh describe Hannah that way before, “I think I know what you mean.”

“It makes me wonder if I have— _ had?— _ any siblings,” he went on.

Sam bit her lip at his words. She stood up to turn the lights back on, “I’m hoping that someday soon I can help you remember everything, and then we can find out.”

She could feel his eyes on her as she walked back to her desk. Then he blurted, “Can I take you out to lunch sometime?”

She paused, finding the courage to look at his scared, curious, and expectant eyes. Her hands shook as she turned off her desk lamp and bravely said, “How about we keep our meetings in this office only…” she watched as all hope faded from his face, and she  _ hated  _ it more than anything, so quickly went on, “for now.”

A smile creeped onto his face and he nodded, “I’ll continue taking my meds.”

She wanted to tell him that he should continue taking his meds for  _ him  _ and his well-being, but knew the words would be almost useless. Still, everyone has their own personal motivation to do what’s right, and, actually, she kind of liked that she was his. 

* * *

 

_ To Be Continued... _

 


	15. Fortune Cookies

 

Later that night, after her first session back with Josh, Sam had trouble sleeping. 

She wasn’t too surprised about this; his fragmented memories of that night she left him in the mines during his hypnosis session had left her reeling. Sam had spent the better half of the last two months recalling moment after moment of her long, winding history with Josh (good _ and  _ bad) and as she laid in her bed that seemed far too large for one person, she tried to will herself  _ not _ to remember the darker parts; the parts she’d been so _ carefully _ avoiding.

Sam hadn’t thought about the night that everything started in quite some time - the catalyst that had trickled down all the way to this moment. She’d get pieces here or there but force herself to think of something,  _ anything _ , else. And for a while that seemed to work. But she couldn’t avoid it forever. And as she laid in bed, tossing and turning once again, she started to see events unfolding in her mind, playing like a movie across her ceiling. It all seemed so fresh, even though it had been so long since the night it all started. The night the twins disappeared.

Sam had watched on helplessly as Beth ran off into the woods after Hannah. Around her, she could hear her friends mumbling to each other about how it was only a prank and how Hannah always overreacted about everything. Sam was too worried about the twins to even bother accusing them of being so cruel. They could try to justify their actions amongst themselves all they wanted.

After about fifteen minutes, Sam was really starting to get concerned.  If Beth found Hannah, they should have returned to the lodge. Some part in Sam’s mind was trying to tell her to calm down, that Hannah was still embarrassed and Beth was talking to her in the privacy of the woods so Hannah wouldn’t have to face her  _ friends. _

But another part of her told her that Beth knew she would be worried about them and convince Hannah to come back. The next five minutes were pure torture, but finally, Sam went in to wake up Josh and let him know what was going on.

He was still slumped over the counter, and shaking him did nothing to jolt him away.

“Josh? Josh, get up, your—Josh!  _ Josh!”  _ She finally yelled and it earned her a small groan from him. “Josh, your sisters ran out into the woods…they’ve been gone awhile now…”

He groaned again, annoyed,  his eyebrows narrowing, “They fucking know better…” he slurred, and she could tell he was trying to use his disappointed strict voice, but he just sounded drunk.

“I’m really worried,” Sam told him even though she wasn’t sure her words were registering. She bit her lip when he didn’t respond, then said, “I’m going to call for help.”

“No!” He said quickly, his body sitting upright. He placed his hands over his eyes so he wouldn’t have to stare at the bright lights, “No need to fucking ruin the whole weekend for everyone… _ damn it… _ I’ll go find them.” He wobbled as he stood up and his chair tumbled loudly to the floor.

The sound woke Chris up, his bloodshot eyes peering over his crooked glasses, “What’s going on…”

Sam ignored Chris as she shot her hands out to help stabilize Josh, “Josh, you’re too drunk to go out there l—.”

“They’re probably just doing some dumbass prank,” Josh reasoned and Sam almost didn’t want to tell him that a prank is how this started, but that it wasn’t ending that way.

“I’m coming with you then,” she said as she went to the hallway closet and gathered their coats and hats. When she turned around, she jumped when Josh was standing right behind her.

His eyes were dull and red, showing how drunk and tired he was, but a smirk curved his lips, “If you wanted some… _ alone time… _ all you had to do was ask.”

“This isn’t about that,” she said quickly, as she shoved his hat on him. She understood that his brain wasn’t working right, but his lack of concern was really pissing her off.

“I’m going with you guys, too,” Chris said from the kitchen, and Sam was just glad that he sounded a lot more sober than Josh did.

Josh brought his face closer to Sam’s as he whispered, “Our plan has been  _ soiled.” _

Sam handed him his coat then grabbed Chris’, handing it to him as she said, “Thanks, Chris. Josh knows these woods more than any of us, but I have no idea if he’ll be able to find his sisters when—.” She stopped when Ashley came running in, her big eyes wide with tears.

“I swear, I don’t know what…we didn’t mean it, she just—,” Ashley rambled. Sam could tell she was scared of admitting what she did and the result of their insensitiveness.

“I’m going out with Sam and Josh to look for them,” Chris assured her, not even trying to stop her when she said that she was coming with them.

Josh shook his head, sticking his hands in his jacket pockets, “I’m beginning to think this is some stupid prank and you guys are going to get me good in the woods. Am I going to be left dangling in a tree by my ankles?”

Sam didn’t even want to argue with him. She was actually hoping that they would find Beth and Hannah in no time and Josh can just continue believing that it was all a stupid joke meant to scare him.

But after forty minutes out in the cold woods, their faces feeling frozen and their voices becoming raw, Sam could see that Josh was fully worried. The adrenaline drained the alcohol from his system, and he was realizing the gravity of the situation.

“Why the hell did they even run off for?!” Josh yelled, turning to his three friends who stood around him. 

“Beth ran after Hannah when—,” Sam began to explain but Ashley cut her off.

“It--- _ it was just a joke!  _ We had no idea Hannah would go running off into the woods because of some stupid  _ prank! You two—,”  _ Ashley pointed between Josh and Chris, “are  _ always  _ doing stuff like this to  her!”

Sam shook her head quickly, anger flaring inside her, “Ashley, they’ve  _ never  _ done—.”

“What did you do?” Josh interrupted, his eyes shadowy and narrowed as he stared at Ashley. Sam was sure that, of all the years she’d known him, she’d never seen such darkness in his face. Ashley opened her mouth to continue explaining, but she choked on her words, most likely from both fear and regret. When she didn’t answer Josh, he seemed to rush toward her with inhuman speed, his fingers clenching onto her upper arms as he shook her hard,  _ “What did you  _ **_do?!”_ **

“Josh _ , bro _ !” Chris jumped in, pushing Josh’s shoulder back to make him step away from Ashley.

Sam covered her mouth with her hands from shock, thinking for sure that Josh was going to hit Ashley. But Ashley stepped away, physically unharmed, her hands covering her face.

_ “What hap—,”  _ Josh cut himself short; he turned away from them, his fists clenched as he continued yelling for his sisters, “Beth! Hannah! You  _ better  _ come out or I’ll make sure you’re never allowed at the lodge again!”

His voice sounded like a strict yet scared and anxious father’s and it made Sam’s heart clench. She went to Ashley, pushing her gently to have her keep up with them as they continued searching.

About time they came near a cliff, a small blizzard was coming in. The wind nipped at their skin and the snow being lifted made it hard to see ten feet in front of them. Sam was getting worried that they would get themselves lost or accidentally fall from a cliff if they continued on. She neared Josh, wincing when he continued yelling for the twins despite the hoarseness in his voice.

“Josh…I think we need to go back and call for help…” she suggested softly.

His chest rose and fell heavily, his wide eyes trying to search the whole area in one glance. He didn’t outwardly agree with her, but she could see that he knew she was right.

His eyes closed and he hung his head, but the last thing she expected out of his mouth was, “I smell fire…”

Sam paused and sniffed; at first she couldn’t detect anything, just the cold bitterness that seemed frozen in her nose, but after a moment, there was no denying that there was a hint of smokiness in the air. She had no idea what it could mean though. It would make no sense for Beth and Hannah to be starting a campfire when they were so close to the lodge.

“Maybe Beth and Hannah made it back…” Sam offered, though something in her heart told her that it wasn’t true.

The four of them made it back to the lodge right when the snow and wind really started to pick up. The rest of the gang was sitting in the warmth of the living room when Sam, Josh, Chris, and Ashley walked in.

“Did you find them?” Jessica asked, the first one to stand up.

“Does it  _ look  _ like they found them?” Emily spat at her, standing up quickly.

Mike and Matt jumped to their feet, waiting to break up a catfight if needed.

“Guys, we messed up! We messed up  _ so  _ bad,” Ashley rambled, her nose and cheeks a bright pink but the rest of her completely white.

“ _ We  _ didn’t do anything bad,” Emily countered, and Sam could tell that this was Emily’s way of trying to calm everyone down.

“Hannah was supposed to run into her  _ room  _ or something, not out into the woods!” Mike spoke up.

Emily rolled her eyes, “That wouldn’t be dramatic enough for Hannah.”

“She ran  _ right  _ past Beth and Sam, couldn’t—.” Jess began.

_ “Shut… _ **_UP!”_ ** Josh suddenly yelled and the room got silent. His eyes scanned over each one of them accusingly, and Sam winced when she witnessed the first sign of hatred. When he didn’t say anything else, the strong silence got to be too much for Jessica, so she spoke up to explain.

“We knew Hannah had a crush on Mike, so we just wanted to tease her a little. We can delete the video if you want…” her eyes flitted over the camera that was in Matt’s hands.

Josh went over and snatched the camera from Matt; Matt held up his hands when he was on the direct receiving end of Josh’s anger, “Hey man…it was just a joke—we didn’t mean anything--.”

Josh stared down at the camera and Sam was surprised to see him play the video while everyone was around. She could hear the laughter on the video, the excited and rushed  _ “here she comes, here she comes, shhh!”  _ from a couple of them. She could even hear the distant sounds of her and Beth’s voices in the background calling for Hannah…

Then the sound of a door banging as Hannah ran from the room before all of them called after her that it was  _ just a prank. _

Sam held her breath when Josh didn’t even look up from the camera when it was over. She was expecting him to try to hit Matt or Mike. She was expecting him to yell angrily about how shitty they were to do something like that to poor Hannah. But instead, he said, in a low voice, “You better hope they show up…or you’ll  _ all _ be sorry.”

“Um, excuse  _ me,  _ is that a  _ threat?”  _ Emily snapped, her hand on her hip as she bravely neared him, “How is it  _ our  _ fault that she—.”

“How is it  _ not  _ your fault?!” Josh yelled, his arm swinging the camera up above his head to show proof, but again, everyone thought he was about to strike.

Sam stepped forward quickly, not even wanting to deal with the consequences if Josh hit any of them, “Josh…let’s just call for help…” she reached out a hand for him, but he spun around quickly, her hand being smacked away from him.

“And what the hell were  _ you  _ doing, Samantha? I thought you were her  _ best friend!” _

Her head snapped back at his accusation before her eyes narrowed, “I was trying to  _ stop  _ it from

happening, Josh! And w-what about you!” Her chest seemed to cave in and shatter as she sizzled at him, “At least  _ I  _ wasn’t passed out drunk!”

Something flashed across his face that she couldn’t quite place—it was deeper than any hatred she’d ever seen—a madness that made her feel  _ real  _ fear. And yet, despite that, she blamed herself for that reaction, because he was obviously just stressed and worried about his sisters, and she had to right to try to place any of the blame on him.

“I’m sorry…” she whispered meekly, though it rang in everyone else’s ears in the dead silence of the room.

But he was already heading to the phone, Chris right beside him to speak in case Josh couldn’t.

Then she felt a heavy weight press down on her shoulders, and she knew her life was never going to be the same after that night.

Sam’s eyes shot open to the sound of her alarm - she hadn’t even realized she’d dozed off. The thoughts of that night were still running through her head and she felt like she hadn’t slept at all. Despite her heavy feet and eyes, Sam got up and took herself to the shower. If she hadn’t already taken so much time off work, she would have considered calling in today - she was almost positive she wasn’t going to be able to focus with such broken, restless sleep. 

But she would have to get it together whether she wanted to or not; her first session of the day was with Mrs. Henderson, a serial kleptomaniac with borderline personality disorder, and it was only an hour and a half away.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It had only taken another session or two before things had begun to feel  _ normal _ with Josh again… ( _ whatever that meant) _ . The more he met with her, the more Sam realized that Josh’s medication seemed to actually be helping him - He wasn’t having any more paranoia, no more erratic behaviour, and no more nightmares. This was bittersweet to Sam simply because, although she didn’t necessarily  _ want _ him to be tormented by his sister’s ghosts, it seemed like those nightmares could possibly be the key to unlocking Josh’s memories. Clearly his subconscious mind was remembering much more than  _ he _ was.

And the more Josh seemed to be getting better, the more Sam’s mind began to veer back into wanting to help him remember  _ everything _ , although that kind of thinking only seemed to get her in trouble, and Josh wasn’t making it  _ any _ easier on her. He had officially asked her to see him outside of their sessions four more times since the first already; twice today. 

Sam always politely declined, reminding him that given their situation she felt more comfortable staying in her office and not seeing one another outside of therapy. Today he’d asked her if she was hungry and if she wanted to get lunch.

“You’re never going to stop trying, are you?” she said quietly, shaking her head as she arranged the files on her desk. He was working her will down, one day at a time. 

“ _ Nope _ ,” was his one-word response. There was something dangerously honest in that answer as he stared back at her, his gaze unwavering and his arms crossed over his chest - a physical stance of defiance. His body was telling her that he wasn’t going to budge. When Josh wanted to do something, he just went right along and did it. She looked away from him as he said, “what are you so afraid of?” Surely, he had to know just how unfair that question was - he had proven himself to be  _ something to be afraid  _ of not once but  _ twice  _ in her life. 

He sighed, a reluctant sign of surrender before he stood. She was certain that it must have been really hard to be rejected so many times in a row - although, it was becoming harder and harder to do so. She wondered if he knew this.  Of course he knew this. And as much as she loved being able to see him again - those weeks apart before were almost unbearable - a small part of her was beginning to regret taking him back as a client. 

Sam decided, after he left for the day, that she was going to take a walk around the block to get some fresh air and maybe a tea. She’d only been gone for about fifteen minutes and when she returned to her office, she was surprised - and startled - to see that Josh was back.

“ _ What _ are you doin-” she stopped speaking when she saw her desk. Scattered across it was some take out. She dropped her arms to her side, her shoulders slumping, “What  _ is  _ this?” she scolded. Josh looked at her, and in his eyes she thought she could see his confidence thinning, but then he gave her a smirk.

“Well,  _ this _ …” he pointed to one of the boxes, “this is tofu-fried rice. And  _ this _ ,” he pointed to another, “is stir fried veggies.” Sam tried to contain her grin as she crossed her arms and neared the desk, peeking down at the array of food, her curiosity (and her stomach) growing more and more curious. He pointed to each box, “Uhm...veggie spring rolls… and veggie dumplings…” he listed. Sam reached for an unopened box but Josh snatched it from her before she could get it. “ _ Nonono _ … that’s mine. Vegan or not, you can’t  _ honestly _ expect me  _ not _ to order orange chicken, let’s be real here…” he joked. 

“Elliot, I thought we talked about this?” she asked, but at this point she knew he didn’t care.

“You said we have to stay in your office. Keep it  _ professional _ ,” he added as he picked up a candle from a grocery bag and lit it before setting it in the middle of the desk. Sam hid her mouth behind her hand as she tried to stifle a laugh. He looked at her and gestured his arms out as if to say, “ _ ta-da _ !”

“And what is that?” she asked, pointing to the candle. “How is  _ that _ professional?” she added with a cocked eyebrow. 

“Oh,  _ that?  _ That’s just...uh... atmosphere. A little ambiance for our super professional lunch date.”

“It’s  _ not _ professional if it contains the word  _ date _ ,” she replied flatly. He walked behind her desk and pulled out her chair for her to sit. 

“I know you don’t have any more sessions til 3. I checked your appointment book,” he said, his eyes falling to her leather-bound book on her filing cabinet.

“That is really inappropriate and you know it,” she quietly scolded, but her feet still carried her over to her chair anyway. She sat and he quickly rounded her desk, sitting across from her and instantly digging into the food. “Did you just buy everything on the menu that could be vegan?” she questioned as she realized just how much food there was between the two of them. Josh grinned through a mouthful of rice. That was her answer. She hesitantly picked up a take out box, staring down at the contents, skeptically.

“Oh, not that one. I poisoned it,” he said, his face incredibly serious. Sam narrowed her eyes and nodded.

“Ha-ha,  _ very _ funny. You know, your dark sense of humor is gonna get you in  _ real  _ trouble one day,” she informed him as she began to pluck out the broccoli. 

“ _ See _ ? This is nice! Isn’t this  _ nice _ ?” It  _ was  _ nice. And she was starving. She thought about the last time they’d shared a meal together - at Chris and Ashley’s. That felt like so long ago, back before all of the most recent setbacks that they’d encountered. Sam found, however, that the more she sat in his presence in a less formal manner, the more she felt herself begin to relax. She glanced across her desk at him as he focused (maybe even too intensely) on the food he was enjoying. She smirked to herself, remembering that he was still here. And Josh was still in there somewhere. And now that he was getting his mind healthy, they could begin to rebuild. 

“Chris has called me a few times,” Josh told her through a mouthful of food. (Josh never had the best table manners). She swallowed the bite in her mouth.

“Oh? And what has he said?”

“Don’t know,” Josh shrugged, eyeing the spring rolls, “I haven’t answered.” Sam pressed her lips together into a frown.

“Why  _ not _ ?”

“I uh… I guess I didn’t really wanna explain why you weren’t talking to me-”

“I wasn’t  _ not  _ talking to you, Elliot,” she said, looking down at her food to evade his intense gaze. “I was just… taking some appropriate and much needed space from our  _ situation _ . It was selfish of me to blur the lines between our professional and personal relationships. It made me miss some very necessary signals that you needed help.” When she finally looked up at him, she was surprised to see him grinning across from her. It was as adorable as it was irritating. “What _ now? _ ” she snapped slightly. 

“ _ Aw _ ,” he uttered shortly and sweetly, his eyes falling back to the box of orange chicken in his hand as he began to pick at it with his chopsticks. “I just think it’s cute that I did something awful and you are still blaming yourself,” he teased. Sam didn’t reply to that - he couldn’t even begin to know how wrong she had been in handling him before. She cringed when she thought about the night she went to his apartment; not just because of the video, but because of how desperate she was to feel close to Josh, even though he was  _ alllll _ Elliot that night. It made her feel a little foolish when she reflected on it. 

“Did…  _ you  _ tell him?” Josh suddenly asked, and Sam could pick out the fear in his eyes. She shook her head; she was glad he cared. It showed remorse, which was something she’d never really gotten from Josh in the past. “I’m glad you let me do this,” he added, giving her a slight shrug. Sam snorted.

“I think that I ‘ _ let you’ _ is kinda stretching it, there. You didn’t really leave me much of a choice now, did you?” she said, but she smiled to let him know she didn’t mind as much as she should have. “Elliot… I know you’re trying really hard to make things right,” Sam said, setting down her box of Chinese food. She leaned forward, resting her elbows on the desk and cradling her chin. 

“ _ But… _ ” he sighed, knowing where this conversation was heading before even Sam did. She hadn’t intended on a ‘ _ but’ _ … but now she realized that she had one.

“But… even still, we need to be very clear about our-”

“Boundaries, got it. So, wanna catch a movie after this?” he teased, and Sam opened her mouth to scold him but he beat her to it with, ‘Hey, just joshin’ ya.” The phrase made Sam immediately lose her appetite His, however, remained in tact as he shoveled another bite in his mouth. Sam hated this. The person she had loved more than anything in her entire life was literally an arm’s distance away and there was nothing she could do about it. This wasn’t the first time she had to put her feelings for him aside just to be what he needed - making sure his mind was healthy was one of the most important thing for them both to be focused on, not their feelings for each other.

As Sam stared at him, wishing things could be different for the millionth time in her life, she thought back on one of the last times she’d seen Josh before the night he had revenge-pranked them all. For a long time after he ‘ _ died _ ’, she’d thought about those few times they’d gotten to be together after the twins went missing, wondering if she could pick out any clues of what he’d been planning; had there been such obvious hints that she’d overlooked?

One time in particular had stood out most.

A few months after Hannah and Beth disappeared, Sam stirred in her bed, and then sat up to her elbows when she heard the light knocking against her window. At first her heart jumped, her body overtaken with fear as she thought someone was trying to break in. She could see the silhouette of a man standing outside her window through her white, fabric curtains. 

“ _ Sam _ !” she heard a voice whisper sharply through the glass. “Open up!” a little louder. She hurried from her bed; she had an idea who it might be, and her main focus as this moment was to keep him from waking up her mom. 

She ripped back her curtains and sure enough, there was Josh standing outside her window. He didn’t look like himself, though. He’d lost more weight. His eyes were even more sunken in.

Sam wondered what he would have done had she not just moved her room to the bottom floor - thrown pebbles? She reached down and struggled to lift the window open with a slight grunt; the house was old and the windowsill had been painted so many times now that it stuck sometimes. 

Once she got it opened enough, Josh began pushing his way in, climbing through clumsily. He landed on her floor with a loud thump, and Sam leaned down to help him up as she shushed him.

“Josh, it’s two in the morning, what are you doing here?” she whispered. He looked up at her from the floor, and she could see from the laziness in his eyes that he had been drinking. 

“You wouldn’t have complained six months ago,” he smirked, and Sam recoiled a bit from the smell of whiskey on his breath. He was right; six months ago she would have been ecstatic to have Josh sneaking into her room - although he didn’t have to  _ sneak _ . Margaret wouldn’t have minded.

It was June now. The girls had been missing for four months, and although no one wanted to admit that they had already digested the fact that they were dead, no one would say it aloud. Especially Sam.

Sam hadn’t seen Josh since a little after the night she’d brought him over to spend the night with her - back then he’d seemed so out of it. A zombified version of himself. After that, his parents suggested he go back to college (probably because they didn’t know what else to do with him) and try to get back to a normal life and that’s the last Sam knew… but now he was here.

“ _ Jesus _ , Josh… did you take a bath in it?” she said, only half-joking as she helped to hoist him up into a sitting position. That was about as far as he was gonna make it up; he turned his body around to face her and leaned his back against her wall under her window. Sam sat on her knees across from him, trying to make out his features in the limited glow from the moon and the streetlights. “I… I thought you were back in school,” she said. Things had been so weird between them since she came to visit him at college, and then everything happened with his sisters and she’d  _ tried _ to be there for him. It was so hard to put her own feelings for him aside to focus on what  _ he _ needed, which was someone to listen and be there for him. He would call her a lot when he went back to college but it was always so…  _ sad _ . She remembered when he told her that he thought she was the only person who understood him. She wondered if this was because she was the only one who loved Hannah and Beth like him, or if he really thought that she got him. 

“Dropped out,” he said evenly. Sam folded her lips and inhaled through her nose as she closed her eyes, trying to find the right words to say. He was such a mess. He rubbed his hands roughly down his face and groaned, frustratedly, “it was stupid to go back. They shouldn’t have sent me back.” 

“ _ Hey, _ it’s okay,” she said comfortingly, scooting closer to him and taking his hands away from his face. She rested her own hand on his cheek, and he leaned into it a bit. “It’s okay. You just weren’t ready, that’s all…” she assured. He nodded wordlessly, his eyes finally crawling to meet hers. She felt her breath hitch as he said, “I’ve missed you, Sammy.” She tried not to smile at the first sweet thing he’d said to her in what felt like forever. It wasn’t that he’d been unkind or anything just… distracted. Not quite there. It had been like the piece of him that made him Josh was missing - Sam felt selfish for thinking about these things. 

“I’ve missed you too, Josh,” her voice broke. Maybe even more so, since she felt like she’d been missing him for months. They quickly and almost awkwardly gravitated towards one another, their lips colliding in the dark. Josh grabbed ahold of her waist and pulled her up onto his lap, wrapping his arms around her as he continued to kiss her with a passion he seemed to be lacking in all other areas of life for now. Sam was so conflicted inside, torn between being so heartbroken and happy at the same time, like being homesick for a place you never got to call home. He pulled away slightly, and Sam wrinkled her nose at the smell of the alcohol still heavy on his breath. She wondered how much he’d had to drink. 

Sam was straddling him on her knees as he pulled her even tighter to him, resting his head against her chest. She was unsure what to do at first; she apprehensively glanced down at the top of his head for a moment before she sighed and enveloped him in her own arms. As soon as he felt the weight of her arms on him, she felt his body jerk and she felt the wetness soak through her shirt and she realized that he was crying - as though he’d been awaiting permission to break down. Sam held onto him tighter, her own eyes brimming with tears just knowing him well enough to know that there wasn’t anything she could possibly say to make him feel better right now. She just ran her hand through his hair absently, her other arm locked around him to make him feel secure and loved - at least, she hoped he felt that way. 

“I’m sorry,” he cried into her chest; she had never seen Josh like this, and she knew he probably never wanted her to see him like this. A little part of her was honored that he would break down in front of her, whether he meant to or not. 

“ _ Don’t, _ ” Sam said sternly, shaking her head even though he couldn’t see her. “Don’t apologize to me, Josh. You never have to apologize to me,” she promised. “And I will always be there for you, please know that,” she said in almost a beg. She felt his grip on her loosen as he leaned back against the wall again, wiping the tears away quickly, almost aggressively, from his face. He took in a staggered breath before he allowed their eyes to meet again.

“Can we just like… talk for a while?” he implored, as though he even had to ask. Sam stood slowly before reaching down for his hand to help him up and lead him over to her bed. He fell back, and she slid up beside him.

“What do you wanna talk about?” she asked in almost a whisper after a long while. He didn’t open his eyes, just shook his head lazily from side to side as he said, “literally  _ anything _ .” Sam could tell from the slur in his voice that he wasn’t going to be awake much longer, so she laid her head down on his chest and just started talking. At first it was about her first day of kindergarten, and he gave her a few soft noises that made her know he was listening. After jumping from a few more topics, Sam stopped, her head still laying on his chest. 

“Josh?” she asked before she looked up at him. “What are you gonna do now that you’re home?” He didn’t say anything, and she almost wondered if he was sleeping, until he said, “I have a few projects I’m working on…”

“Like what?” she asked quietly. 

“You’ll see.”

In the present, Sam realized that she was dangerously close to crying, and Josh was in the process of cleaning up their mess a bit. She shook the thoughts and even the hint of tears away, trying her best to regain the composure he didn’t even know she’d lost. Sam watched as Josh reached into the takeout bag, pulling out two small packages.

“Wanna know your future?” he asked, raising his eyebrows and tossing her a fortune cookie, which she caught quickly. “I bet it’s a good one,” he added, popping open his own plastic wrapper and pulling out the beige cookie. Sam saw him crack it and pull the slip of paper out, studying it. “Mine says, ‘You are a charming, good-looking person who everyone adores-”

“It does not say that,” Sam snorted, grabbing the paper from his hands. She looked down at the small, red print:  _ A very attractive person has a message for you. _

“Mine was kinda lame. I changed it up a bit,” he said coolly. “But, you’re a very attractive person. Do you have something you wanna tell me?” he teased. Sam’s face must have answered that question as he said, “ _ Right _ , boundaries, I know.” He sighed, shaking his head before her tilted his chin at her. “What does yours say?”

Sam looked down at the cookie in her hand, and she opened it to pull her own piece of paper: 

_ Sometimes the right path isn’t always the easiest. Go left. _

 

* * *

 

As soon as Sam stepped into her apartment, she felt her phone buzzing in her bag. Cee-Cee was already walking between her legs and demanding to be fed, but Sam took a moment to search through her bag, thinking it was maybe Josh calling her. It was only a few hours since she’d seen him, where once again she was forced to set boundaries, so she wasn’t sure why she was hoping it was him calling.

But when she finally found her phone, it was Chris’ name that appeared on the screen. She sighed; however, she was feeling guilty about having avoided him since she last saw him. And with Josh not answering his calls either, he probably thought they died.

“Hey, Chris,” she answered, pressing the phone to her ear as she grabbed Cee-Cee’s kitty food.

“Wait… _ wait,  _ one of you  _ actually  _ answered?” Was the first thing he said to her, his voice only half joking.

“We thought you two ran off together to get eloped or something!” Sam heard Ashley yell from the background.

Sam chuckled, pouring the cat food into Cee-Cee’s bowl, “Um, no. That’s probably the furthest thing from the truth.”

“Why haven’t you been returning any of our calls then?” Chris asked bluntly.

She sucked in a deep breath, “Well, I can’t speak for  _ Josh,  _ but I…had a lot going on. I broke up with Liam and—.”

“Oh my  _ God,  _ so you  _ are  _ with Josh now?” Ashley spoke up again, her voice much louder this time, so Sam knew she was on speakerphone.

“No, Josh had—nothing to do with this…” she lied, and knew Ashley and Chris knew she was lying as well, “I, um…I found out Liam was cheating on me.”

“What a  _ jerk!!”  _ Ashley screeched, and then Sam heard Elizabeth’s voice in the background sing-songing  _ ‘jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk, jerk!” _

“Wow, Sam, we’re really sorry to hear that. Good thing you found out now before you married him though,” Chris offered, and it made Sam smile and recall the day of Josh’s funeral when Chris offered her words of support.

“How did you find out?” Ashley asked, and Sam heard Chris chastise her for asking, followed by Ash asking him lowly, “What? She probably wants someone to talk to about it…”

And Sam appreciated the thought, but she did  _ not  _ want to tell them about what Josh did to Liam. She knew they wouldn’t go to the police with the information, but she thought it best to just keep the mishap between herself and Josh. Plus, she didn’t want to bring up any bad memories for Chris and Ashley. Josh put them through almost the exact same thing he put Liam through, and she didn’t want them concerned with Josh’s mental health.

“I just…I caught him. I came home and saw him with another girl, that’s all.”

“That’s awful,” Ashley said, “So does Josh know?”

“Yeah…well, I mean,  _ Elliot  _ knows…” Sam answered, plopping down hard on her couch.

“You just need to  _ tell him the truth,” _ Ashley said, as if it were that easy.

“How’s the pregnancy going?” Sam switched gears so she wouldn’t have to talk about what was going on with the whole Elliot/Josh situation, because she knew if she started down that rabbit hole, she would end up eventually telling them everything.

Thankfully, Ashley fell for it, “Ugh, tiresome—I still have three weeks left. I look like a hot air balloon.”

“No, you don’t, baby,” Chris offered, “You look just as beautiful as when you were nine months pregnant with Lizzie.”

Sam smiled to herself as the couple went into a little lovers back and forth of  _ I’m ugly/No you’re not,  _ and it reminded her of all the times Josh would always try to cheer her up every time she was down. It made her want to call him, just so she could hear his voice, even though she knew she’d be going against her own boundaries.

“When are you gonna pop out some kids, Sam?” Ashley asked suddenly, throwing Sam for a loop.

Despite the seriousness in Ashley’s voice, Sam laughed, “Umm, not anytime soon? When would I have the opportunity to  _ pop out some kids?” _

“Well, Josh might remember who he is soon and…”

“Ash…I don’t think she wants to talk about that,” Chris cut in, then all three of them got silent for a moment.

Then: “Tell Sam I want to see Elliot again!” Elizabeth screamed from the not-so-far background this time, her tone quite demanding.

Sam covered her laughter with her hand when Ashley told Chris, “Of course your daughter would have a crush on your best friend…”

“She has good taste,” Sam couldn’t help but chime in, feeling her face redden despite being in her home by herself.

Thankfully, Chris and Ashley just laughed at her comment. Then Ashley screamed, “No, don’t draw on that!”

“Oh, no, everything okay?” Sam asked.

“Yeah, Ashley’s got her—do you need any help, babe? No…? Are you…” Lizzie’s death shrill made even Sam’s ears hurt as she pulled her phone away from her ear. Then there was a lot of commotion Sam couldn’t quite place, and then sudden silence as Chris came back on the line, “Sorry about that.”

“Oh, it’s okay…” Sam said, even though she wasn’t sure if it was. She prayed that Chris and Ashley never asked her to babysit.

“Anyway…is there anything you wanted to talk about? About—Josh?” Chris asked, and it made her wonder if he knew more than he was letting on somehow.

“Um…no? I mean…things are still the same…I’m still trying to get him to remember who he is,” Sam said, making sure she stayed away from the full truth without lying.

Chris sighed, “I know…and I know that’s hard but…Sam, when you guys were here, the  _ only  _ reason he wasn’t making  _ bigger  _ moves on you was because you were engaged…and—quite honestly, that didn’t even stop  _ you  _ from—.”

“I know, Chris,” Sam stopped him, her hand covering her eyes because he was talking about the very night that she began to slip and let her feelings for him cloud her professional judgement.

“Yeah, but…he said something to me that night that really got to me—he said, ‘ _ I feel like I’ve been waiting all my life to meet her.’  _ And—Sam, you’ve been waiting just as long as he has, and you guys are two of my best friends…even if he  _ is  _ Elliot right now, and it would just  _ suck  _ to see you guys skating around each other this late in life when there’s no guarantee that—.”

“This sounds like the  _ complete  _ opposite of what you were telling me last time,” she interrupted, trying to hold back the tears in her eyes upon hearing what Josh said about her that night.

“Well…I had a few weeks to process everything—you know, I still remember when he finally admitted to me that he loved you,” Chris all of a sudden switched gears and the topic made Sam’s heart flutter, “It was during that time he was dating that goth chick…remember her?”

“Amber…” Sam grumbled out the name, “How could I forget?”

Chris laughed, “Yeah, well…I finally asked him why the  _ hell  _ he was dating her, and he said something strange like: ‘ _ I don’t know, but I’m in love with Sam.’  _ And I remember  _ freaking out  _ ‘cause he finally said it aloud,” Chris laughed at the memory, and Sam wanted to laugh with him, but felt frozen in her thoughts.

The night he broke up with Amber was the night he finally kissed her on the rooftop. It was the night that took them to another level, despite that kiss not really changing their  _ status.  _ And they didn’t share another kiss until almost a year later, but with them, it wasn’t totally necessary. And making love was never about them jumping into bed together; they made love every time their eyes met, or their hands touched, or his arms wrapped around her.

But to think that he confessed to Chris that he was in love with her  _ that night— _ she imagined that night again, the way he talked to her, teased her, kissed her…it was so very obvious now.

“Anyway,” Chris interrupted her thoughts, “I just thought you should know. You guys have always been perfect for each other, and it would just be such a waste to see you guys tiptoe around each other for another decade.”

Sam didn’t say anything—she didn’t know what she  _ could  _ say. She wanted to be with Josh since she was thirteen, she certainly didn’t want to wait another ten years until she was  _ forty  _ if she didn’t have to either. But Chris said that he needed to go assist Ashley with Elizabeth and that he would talk to her soon before hanging up, leaving Sam with the weight of all he told her.

 

* * *

 

_ To Be Continued... _

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	16. Go Left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: Sorry for the delay -- even writing duos get writer's block.
> 
> FYI we are nearing the final chapters.

 

Sam's eyes snapped open when her phone alarm blared loudly. She reached over, knocking a few things off her bedside dresser while trying to find her annoying phone. Her hand finally smacked it, and she squinted her eyes to see that it was 4:45am. She shut off the alarm and sighed loudly.

Having found it increasingly hard to get herself out of bed in the morning the past few weeks, she resorted to setting multiple alarms on her phone so she could mentally prepare herself to wake up. Normally she would just roll over at the sound of her first alarm, but this morning was different.

Cee-Cee made her way into her bedroom, the cat purring loudly as she made her way up Sam. Then the cat gave her human nose kisses before meowing loudly.

"Are you out of food?" Sam asked, scratching behind Cee-Cee's ear.

"Mm," Cee-Cee responded, to which Sam translated as "Obviously; now get up."

Sam threw the covers off, getting up to feed her pet. She sighed as she leaned against the counter, watching Cee-Cee eat like she'd been starved for the past week. "You need a friend. Should I get you a kitty friend?"

Cee-Cee munched louder on her food.

Sam looked out her kitchen window into the darkness, "Seems like I need a friend more than you do…I'm lonely, Cee-Cee."

Her cat hunched lower to the floor to relax, her eyes closing as if her food was sending her into a blissful kitty heaven.

"I'm glad food is all you need to be happy," Sam told her, crossing her arms to block the early morning chill. She imagined if Josh was there with her; he would be able to wrap his always warm arms around her and give her something good to wake up to. But no—she chose her path, and it was the path to help _Elliot._ She wasn't even sure if there was a path to Josh anymore, and the thought made her feel sick to her stomach. She reached into her pockets to warm her cold hands and felt a small slip of paper so she pulled it out. It was her fortune from the day before.

_Sometimes the right path isn't always the easiest. Go left._

She recalled the path she jogged every morning for the past two years she'd been living with Liam. She always took the well-lit road—the path she thought was her only option. But there was always that dark trail that called to her, though she was never sure of its intent. Did it have something amazing to show her? Or was emptiness the only thing it had to offer?

Sam looked around her big apartment and realized how empty she felt. She never took that mysterious trail, but she was left with nothing but a hollowness. Maybe it was the well-lit path that, despite looking safe and promising, was the one that held nothing for her.

She made up her mind right then and there to drive to Liam's house to do one last jog there.

Sam arrived at 5:30. She stretched her legs, looking down the long road that would lead her around the bend to the dark trail that she was determined to take. She didn't bring her iPod—this was going to be one-hundred percent her.

She began running, her shoes tapping softly on the pavement as she went. She listened to the voice in her head, telling her, ' _I am a warrior. Brave, strong, and knowledgeable.'_ It had felt like so long since she'd reminded herself of that.

All the streetlamps remained on. She rounded the first bend. Her even breathing was like music to her ears. She was calm. She rounded the second bend.

The trail was approaching fast. Her heart fluttered, but it didn't pound heavily like it normally did at this point. Her two decisions flashed in her mind, one on either shoulder—an angel and a devil. The dark trail or the lit path. What was is going to be?

Sam recalled another time she made a dark trail decision.

_Take the trail on the left._ And just like that, Sam's feet were leading her off the road and into the dark trail she'd been avoiding for years. When she felt the dirt beneath her feet instead of pavement, she slowed down to take in the sensation. It smelled fresher somehow. And though the trail was dark, she could see the lights at the end that was promising her a safe passage.

She stopped suddenly, however, when she heard footsteps running toward her. She almost jumped off to the side to hide in the shadows, but the sensible part of her brain reminded her that it was just other joggers cutting through the trail.

"Good morning," she called out to let the other people know she was there.

She heard the footsteps slow and she waited for them to respond, but she heard nothing until they got really close—and then she was momentarily blinded by the bright light of a cell phone. Then she heard Liam's voice: "Sam?!"

_Ugh, just great…_

She squinted her eyes and tried to avoid the light, "Liam—of course it's you. Since when do you jog again?"

"What are you doing here?" He asked, avoiding her question.

"Just going for a run—don't think that's a crime."

"Who is she?" a woman's voice spoke up beside Liam.

It didn't take Sam long to put two and two together. Liam asked one of his flings to move in with him—she doubted she was just a one-night stand, Liam wouldn't be jogging with her at 5:30 in the morning if so.

"Wait—isn't that your ex? The one you always used to complain about?"

And Sam couldn't even help it when she let out a laugh. She covered her mouth with her hand as she let out a few more giggles. Liam said something to the girl beside him, but Sam didn't hear, nor did she care. She found nothing but humor in all of this. The video Josh showed her was all the confirmation she needed to know that Liam had been cheating on her, but being here in front of him now—hearing his new girlfriend talk about how Liam always complained about Sam _even though he was the one cheating—_ it was enough to allow her to release all the negative energy she had surrounding her about Liam.

"Sam, if you came back to talk things over, I—," Liam started but got interrupted.

"No, no, that's definitely not at all what's happening," Sam told him with a genuine smile. She walked past the couple, turning back with a shrug to add, "I just came to take the trail." _It was all I needed._ She waved as she turned around and walked toward the end of the trail, the brilliant sun rising over the horizon.

Sam took in a big, chilled breath as she felt her heart begin to finally beat normally. Her cheeks were wind-stung from the winter air and she could see her breath in front of her, puffing out like the smoke of a cigarette. She thought about looking back one more time as she stepped from dirt to pavement once more, but why? There was no going back now. There was no looking back. She was ready to leave everything - the hurt, the regret, the memories of all those broken and lonely years behind her. The gorgeous sun peaking out over the trees in the distance (that reminded her of a day she stood in front of a blistering and burning lodge) was a reminder that the future was bright.

As Sam walked toward her car, her keys jangling as she pulled them from her pocket, she couldn't get Josh off of her mind - she was used to that by now. It was the norm at this point. But she began to wonder if she was ready to start trying to help him remember again, now. He was pulling bits and pieces from his subconscious on a regular basis now, even more so through hypnotherapy. Maybe it was time to truly let the Liam fiasco go, now that he was properly medicated and it seemed that he was in a better place.

Sam drove home to get ready for work, and as she was showering she acknowledged that saving Josh was a near-constant theme in her life. She had spent so many years wishing she'd gone back down into those mines and pulled him out. She had wished she had never let Mike and Chris take him to the shed… so many things could have been different.

More than that, Sam could remember (almost _too_ well, for her liking) the last time she'd truly saved Josh. The memory took place after his sisters were missing and things had gotten really bad for him -after he left her house that night he'd shown up drunk.

Interestingly enough, it began quite like what was happening now. She had just stepped out of the shower, cutting it short when a feeling of dread hit her stomach. Since (at the time) it had only been about six months since Hannah and Beth's disappearance, these feelings occurred rather frequently, but this one hit her particularly hard.

"Mom?" She called out once she wrapped herself in a towel and opened the door, letting the steam out.

"You need something, Sammy?" her mom called from down the hall.

"Is—is everything okay?"

"Um…yes. Did you hear something?"

"No, I just…never mind!" Sam shook her head and walked into her bedroom. Maybe she was just tired. It was close to ten at night and she only got a few hours of sleep the previous night. But as soon as she saw the blinking light on her phone showing she had a new voicemail, her stomach plummeted again.

She quickly picked up her phone and saw she missed a call from Josh. With shaky fingers, she pressed the buttons to play the message.

"… _Sammy…"_

Her heart began beating wildly. He didn't sound good at all.

" _I just wanted you to know—."_

Sam didn't even bother listening to the rest of the message. She threw her phone down and threw on her pajama shorts and a sweatshirt before rushing out the door. She vaguely heard her mom calling to her, but she didn't have time to explain.

She lived about twenty minutes from him, but it only took her seven to get there. She assumed some grace was looking over her as she sped through traffic and managed to hit all the green lights.

Pulling up into the Washington's large driveway, she pulled the keys out of the ignition as soon as she opened the door. Then she dropped them somewhere on the dark concrete but didn't bother looking for them.

" _Josh?!"_ She yelled, running up to the door and banging on it as loud as she should. She tried the handle but it was locked. _Shit!_ She had a key to his house but it was on her keychain that she dropped by her car. She rushed back over to her car, dropping to her bare knees where she felt the tiny pebbles dig into her skin and the rough concrete scrape her shins. She felt around frantically knocking them with her hand, causing them to slide under her car.

She slid her legs back, the gravel slicing her skin, but she didn't have time to worry about that. She finally was able to grasp her keys and rushed back to the front door, finding the right key as she ran.

The door opened with a bang, the doorknob hitting the sidewall hard, but she didn't even bother closing it. She screamed his name again as she ran for the stairs, taking two or three steps at a time.

Sam noticed that the bathroom door adjacent to Josh's room was closed and tried to open it, but it was also locked. She banged a few times before she backed up then shoved her body hard against the door. She didn't think it would actually work, but somehow, by some miracle, it flew open.

Josh was sitting in the bathtub. He was fully clothed and there was no water, but his knees were pulled up to his chest. He looked up, surprise written on his face despite how dazed he was. Sam noticed pills lined up all the way across the bathtub siding. They all looked different—some were blue, pink, yellow, purple; some had tiny letters dented into them, some were plain; some were very tiny, and some looked hard to swallow.

She saw that there was about a three inch gap between the right wall and where the pills started. It was overwhelmingly obvious that he started taking pills and planned on going all the way down the line until he couldn't take anymore.

"Josh…" she fell to her knees beside the tub, her arm knocking all the pills off the side, "Josh, what did you do?"

He shook his head slowly as if he didn't know how to answer her, "What are you doing here…?"

"I got your voicemail," she said quickly, her hands reaching for his wrists to make sure there were no cuts. She searched his neck and face but didn't see any marks.

"What…voicemail?" he asked, his voice slow, his speech slurred.

Sam shook her head, her hands cupping his cheeks to make him look at her. His pupils were dangerously dilated and he couldn't even try focusing on her, "Josh, we need to get you to a hospital."

" _No!"_ He smacked her away, and she was left in shock at his harshness toward her, "I don't w _ant_ to go to the hospital! There'll just be _more_ pills and Sam—Sam, Sam, Sam _mmmm,_ I can't take anymore…!"

She looked down at all the pills she knocked to the floor but reached for him again, trying to make him focus on her, "Where are your parents?"

He only closed his eyes and rolled his head around; he didn't know.

"Sam, I don't…"

"Stay with me, Josh," she said, stepping into the bathtub with him. She never bothered to put on shoes when she left and feeling the cold porcelain on her bare feet was the first thing that made her notice.

"I don't want to stay anymore…" he murmured out but jumped when Sam screamed.

" _Don't you DARE say that!"_ She pawed at him, grabbing his shoulders, his face, his hands, "I need you, Josh, you _can't_ leave me, too!"

His eyes circled around in his head, then he slurred a: "I don't feel too good…"

She helped him crawl out of the tub and to the toilet where he puked for what seemed like hours. She got wet wash cloths during this time, rubbing his face and neck with cold water then warm water, rubbing his back and allowing him to rinse his mouth with mouthwash when he was between throwing up.

She wondered if she should have called 911, but Josh kept telling her not to, and she was stuck between wanting to help him herself and not feeling adequate enough to do so.

Josh was paler than she'd ever seen him before after three long hours of puking, but he finally seemed to get rid of all the toxins in his body when he began dry heaving. She rested his head on her lap and ran her fingers through his dark hair as she listened to his breathing go from panicked and shallow to slow and even.

She kept an eye on him all night, not once feeling tired as fear continued to strike electricity through her veins. Her eyes kept catching glimpses at all the pills on the floor. Did his doctors really prescribe him _all_ of those? And if so—why? It had to have been dangerous leaving someone like Josh in charge of always knowing when to take a certain one.

When dawn started to break, and he was falling asleep, she woke him up enough to say she was moving him to his bedroom. He nodded slowly, making a poor attempt at a joke about his breath, but at least he was trying. She stood beside him as he brushed his teeth, and she was just so glad that his pupils were responding to the florescent light finally.

She laid him down in his bed, his hands then covering his face, "I'm sorry, Sammy…I—."

"Don't apologize," she told him quickly, sitting at the head of his bed. She leaned back against his headboard, prepared to continue watching him for a few more hours, "Whatever you need, Josh…I'm here for you."

He stared past her, his mind obviously running a thousand miles per minute. She wanted to ask what he was thinking. He seemed contemplative over her last statement, like he was trying to decide what the best thing to do was.

Then he glanced up at her, but when her fingers ran down his cheek, his pupils dilated again and he seemed completely out of focus. His eyes closed slowly, his lips parted, and she thought she heard him say, "I need to let you go…"

"What?" she asked, shocked at his words, but he was already asleep.

She stayed with him for another few hours, watching the reassuring sight of his chest rising and falling and the comforting sound of his steady, even breathing. She tried to take in everything she could about him, especially if she'd heard him right before - that he needed to let her go.

She didn't want him to let her go.

Then, without warning, his parents burst into his bedroom, demanding to know what their front door was doing completely open.

"Your son was—," she tried to tell them but they didn't let her finish.

" _Anyone_ could have come right in and taken _everything!"_ Bob yelled, his face flushed with anger.

Sam narrowed her eyes and stood from Josh's bed, glad that he was sleeping through this ridiculousness, "What about _Josh?!_ Where were you two?! Do you have any _idea_ what he went through last night?!"

Melinda looked a bit concerned as she glanced at her son in bed, but Bob was not hearing it, merely seeing the situation as a young teenage girl trying to backtalk him in _his_ house. But as he was showing her to the door, she kept trying to tell him that Josh needed help from _one_ doctor and not multiple ones from all over the country.

Unfortunately, it seemed to fall on deaf ears as she was promptly thrown from the Washington's house.

That was the last night she saw Josh before they all met up at the lodge a year after Hannah and Beth's disappearance. She tried constantly to text or call Josh, but he never responded to her. Thankfully, Chris was her link to him. Chris would always tell her every time he went to visit Josh—who was almost always at his therapist's office now—but that he was doing better. When Sam asked why Josh didn't want to see her, Chris just told her that he was trying to focus on getting better first. Sam hated hearing that, but was trying to respect Josh's wish. Maybe he was embarrassed about their last night together and really was trying to get it together before he showed his face in front of her again. Sam tried to understand this.

Still, she hated how a little piece of herself seemed to die each day she was away from him.

And though taking that trip to Josh's house that night got her kicked out of his life for a few months, she never regretted it because she knew she saved his life.

And even now, in the present, as Sam left the warmth of her shower to dry off and get ready, she knew that her job wasn't done. She _knew_ what she needed to do. She had to reconnect with Josh. Back when she had first found out it was really, truly him, she had focused all of her time on trying to get him to remember. Then, when she realized he was still having schizophrenic episodes, she focused all her attention on tending to his illness. She was so obsessed with the black and white of the situation that she didn't think about all the grey areas that he'd yelled at her about during one of their first sessions.

And she saw the difference in him at their newest sessions. He was taking his medication, but he missed her friendship - it was clear from his impromptu lunch the day before and his unfaltering determination to get back inside of her life. They needed to be in _each other's_ lives in order to live normally. It was always their curse and their blessing since they were young teenagers; separately, they searched desperately for some fulfillment that was always out of reach, but together, they were like two connecting puzzle pieces of life.

Somewhere inside of him, of Elliot, was the boy she had loved since she was a girl. It was time to bring him back to her, once and for all.

Without another thought or hesitation, Sam reached for her cellphone on the bathroom counter and called him before she had the sense to talk herself out of it. Sure enough, even though it was roughly 7:30 in the morning and she didn't even have a session with him today, Josh picked up on the third ring.

"Is this real life?" He mumbled into her ear. He was trying to sound like she hadn't woken him, but she could pick out the frogginess in his voice. It wasn't the first time she'd heard the sound of his barely-awake drawl. "This is a pocket dial, huh?" He added.

"Good morning to you too," Sam said, stifling a chuckle. She almost thought she could hear him smiling on the other end.

"Dr. Jensen. To what do I owe the pleasure?" He said in his best, gentlemanly voice. "I didn't sleep through our session, right?" He added, sounding slightly panicked at the notion.

"No, no…" Sam uttered. "It's not that. We don't even have a session today." There was a pause on the other end.

"So… this isn't a work-related, professional call?" Josh teased. Sam let it roll off of her, but she still brought her hand to her face embarrassedly as she spat out, "do you want to meet… meet me?"

"At your offi-"

"No," she interrupted, "for… coffee. Or tea." Sam writhed under the strain of the awkward silence that followed. "I have some free time after my 12 o'clock-"

"You mean… you want to see me outside of our sessions?" Josh mused, almost like he didn't believe this day would ever come. Sam didn't answer him.

"Sooo…. Is that a yes?" But of course, as she already knew, she didn't even have to ask.

* * *

 

She was glad she finally agreed to go out with Josh again. After running into Liam on the trail and realizing that he really did deserve what he was dealt, she decided to simply let that chapter of her life end. Looking back, she was foolish to have not seen through Liam the whole time she was with him; every time she became even slightly distant, he would tell her he had to work or go out of town. It was obvious he never wanted to help her with her depression that she so obviously had, some days worse than others. And she didn't even care to know just _why_ he decided to stay with her or ask her to marry him. It didn't even matter anymore.

Especially now that she was sitting across a small café table from Josh. The hot tea and his warm eyes were the perfect offsets for the windy cold weather outside. December was showing itself.

She smiled as he talked to her about all the places he'd traveled to in the past ten years. _London, Italy, France, Switzerland, Greece…_ He had so much money that when he first got out of the asylum, he decided to travel to random places on a whim to try to discover something about himself.

Sam was glad he got to see the world…but a part of her heart was cracking because she didn't get to experience all of that with him. If things had gone a bit differently, they could have ran off to these places together during stressful college times when they just needed to get away. He would have proposed _(formally)_ in one country, and then had a wedding in another country. And then when they came back to the states, they would have a small wedding to invite all their friends. It would have been perfect. It was supposed to have been perfect.

"You're zoning out," Josh said suddenly, and it made her squeeze her mug a bit tighter and sit up straighter.

"Sorry…you were just talking about seeing all these different places…it made me daydream," she explained, hoping he would accept the vagueness of her answer, "I never got to travel like that."

He leaned back in his chair, "What stopped you?"

She gave a small shrug, "Life, I guess. I became so focused on college after you—Josh…" she winced when she realized the corner she backed herself into, "Umm…after Josh died…" _(GOD it was weird to say that to him),_ "I didn't…I mean, seeing the world without him would…"

She closed her eyes and hung her head. She could feel his eyes on her though, and she felt the table shift a bit when he leaned forward, his elbows now on the table, "Sam?"

When her eyes met his understanding ones, her heart did a flip.

"Talk to me about Josh," he then said and it was the furthest thing she thought she'd hear from him.

"Wh-what?"

"You always bring him up in passing…but it's obvious that you want to talk about him. Or at the very least, your relationship with him…" His kind words brought a small smile to her lips, but it faltered when he jokingly said, "I promise I'll try not to get too jealous."

He mumbled a quick apology when he saw the look on her face (she didn't even know what look that could be, but she was sure it was a mixture of everything). But truth be told, she'd been wanting to talk to him about himself for awhile now. She took a sip of her tea as she tried to think of something good to start off with. But she realized there was no ideal place to start. To her, knowing Josh was just a part of her life. There was no beginning…no ending…just a glorious middle. It's like when you're watching your favorite TV show. You get to a point where you feel like you always knew these characters, and there's no end in sight to this perfection that is yours.

"This one time, Josh came to my house in the middle of the night. He could've just texted me like a normal person…he knew I always had my phone near me. But no, he decided to throw pebbles at my window. He told me he was running away to Mexico and wanted me to run away with him. I had just turned sixteen—he was still sixteen at the time—so of course, I told him I just had to write my mom a note, and that I'd be right out," Sam stopped to laugh at the memory.

Josh laughed too, "Just like that?"

"Everything was _just like that_ with him…" She grinned and circled her finger lazily around the rim of her mug, "I could tell instantly that he was upset about something so I had to go with him."

"What happened?" he asked.

"He…got into a bad argument with his parents…" she said, even though that wasn't the full truth. Yes, his parent played a huge part in it, but another part was how his doctors recently switched his medications and Josh's mentality was suffering because of it. They were making him sick and irritable, and they made it impossible for him to sleep. He tried his best to hide his mood changes around her, but he knew she saw right through him.

"So did you guys make it to the border?"

Sam chuckled and shook her head, "No…we only drove a few hours before he—before I made him turn around." Again with the half truths. Josh had the music cranked up so loud when they first began driving that Sam could hardly hear her own thoughts. All the windows were rolled down and the end of summer wind made her bedhead hair even crazier. She kept trying to turn the music down to talk to him, but he wouldn't let her until about an hour into their drive.

"Josh, talk to me!" She begged him, because his long silence was really starting to worry her.

"I swear, one day, Sammy…" he started, a deep edge in his voice, "I'm going to become a psychologist and I'll put all of these fuckers that _call_ themselves psychologists out of business! They don't know shit or care about their clients, they're just there for that fucking huge paycheck all the fickle parents hand over to them." Before Sam even had a chance to respond, Josh continued, "And then when I'm a dad—Sammy, I'm gonna be the best damn dad ever, you know why? 'Cause I'm actually gonna listen to my kids. Do you think my dad listens to me? _Fuck,_ I try to tell him about what these new meds are doing to me and…and you know what he said? You know what he said? He said _it's not like your mind can get any more fucked up!"_

Sam's mouth dropped open upon hearing this. She always knew that Bob was not the greatest parent…he was often distant and uninterested in anything his kids were doing, though she did see times where he tried to make an effort.

"I know, exactly!" Josh agreed when he saw her shocked face, "And my mom…my mom just doesn't say anything, it's like she's afraid to stand up for me. And I feel like…like my sisters hardly even know our parents. There have been _so_ many times when I'd help Hannah and Beth make something for Father's Day or whatever and he just doesn't seem to care! What kind of father doesn't dote on his little girls? _It makes no fucking sense!"_

Sam bit her lip when she felt tears in her eyes at his strong words. Sure, she was a large part of Washington's life, but there were still a lot of parts she didn't see or know about. The twins hardly ever spoke about Bob and Melinda, and it was the same with Josh. She wondered why they even had kids in the first place.

Then again…ever since her parents got divorced and her dad remarried, she hardly ever talked to him and he didn't make it a point to reach out to her. It was like he was trying to start a new chapter in his life and that meant erasing her.

"Josh, can you pull over?" Sam asked him because the more riled up he got, the faster he was driving. He saw that she was scared so he did as she asked, turning off the car, then placing his forehead on his hands that were on the steering wheel.

"I just don't know, Sammy…" he said after a few minutes of silence in the dark car, "Would your mom care if I just took you away with me? I'll ask nicely…"

Sam laughed gently, glad that Josh still kept his sense of humor, even though she was sure he was also pretty serious about the question, "What about Beth and Hannah?"

She spotted a small grin curve his lips, "We can just adopt them."

" _HA!"_ She laughed loudly this time, covering her mouth with her hand, " _Why_ would we adopt them?"

Josh shrugged, "I mean…I guess Beth would be okay. But Hannah still needs a lot of guidance, so we need to adopt her."

Sam shook her head, still giggling, as she looked out her window. They talked for a long time about all the places they would go and before Josh started the car up again to drive Sam back home, he said, "Thanks for running away with me."

"Sam?" Josh asked, and Sam snapped herself back to the present, "You zoned out again."

"Sorry…it's hard thinking about the past without remembering so many little details."

"I want to know the details," he said, taking a sip of his coffee, "Tell a full story to me."

"Umm…okay. Let me think," she tapped a finger to her chin, "Okay: my seventeenth birthday party. I wanted so badly to have it at the beach but of course it decided to rain that day. So Josh decided to host my party at his house—he basically lived in a mansion. Anyway, so it was supposed to be some of our friends, but we somehow ended up with about thirty other teenagers we hardly even knew," Sam laughed, "I think Emily invited a couple…then they invited a few more…then so on. It got pretty crazy. I stuck around Josh for the most part. Then this one guy found out I was the _birthday girl_ and wanted to give me my _birthday present._

"Josh was beside me and instantly asked the guy what he got me," Sam giggled again, "The guy said something like _better than anything you got her, man,"_ She deepened her voice to mock the bothersome guy, "So Josh takes it as a challenge and asks him again what it is. The guy went all vulgar and said his…dick…in a box. Then Josh said that he didn't even see a box so it must be pretty small."

Josh laughed at her retelling, "I think I might have a crush on Josh, too."

Sam rolled her eyes at the absurdity of the statement. When he got his memories back, she swore she was going to remind him he said that.

"The guy left me alone for awhile after that, but he came back around when I wasn't near Josh. He was trying to get me to go upstairs with him—but then all of a sudden, the music stopped then Josh walked into living room where I was…and—."

"The song from _Dirty Dancing_ started playing?" Josh suddenly cut into her story.

Sam pointed at him excitedly, "Yes! And…wait," she faltered when she realized that he guessed it, "How did…you know that?"

He seemed a bit confused too, his head shaking, "I'm not really sure…it's like you were painting such a vivid picture that I just…imagine Josh putting that song on."

Her body temperature rose as she got excited. Maybe this whole memory sharing thing was really working. He did that a few times when she took him to Chris' house as well, and it seemed like that was when he had his biggest breakthroughs, "Good guess…yeah, so "Time of My Life" started playing and…" a quick laugh, "it was _so_ embarrassing. But Josh never cared what other people thought, and it was one of his best qualities. Everyone around us was laughing but he danced toward me, mouthing all the lyrics when the male was singing."

"And he got you to dance?" Josh asked.

"Heh…yes. I let him spin me around and do his thing. Then it came to the end where…you know in the movie where Baby runs to Johnny and he lifts her? So Josh was beckoning me to do that. I didn't even think about it, I just ran to him, but then," she began giggling between every word now, "I ended up just colliding into him and we fell back on top of all our friends who tried so hard to catch our fall. It was…that moment where all of us were laughing on the floor…that has to be one of my favorite moments."

Josh was smiling largely at all of her laughing, "You said it was raining…there has to be something that happened out in the rain, right? There's always a rain scene."

She stared intensely at him, really wondering if he was in fact remembering this with her somehow, "Hm…yeah, as a matter of fact, there was. Kinda. We went out to the porch to get some fresh air after that. The wind was blowing pretty hard that night so the rain was getting blown to the porch. But as we stood at the railing…he—," she stopped herself shortly and blushed.

He saw this and chuckled, "What? It can't be any cheesier than _Dirty Dancing."_

Sam licked her lips, tapping the top of her mug shyly, "He went behind me and held out my arms and said—."

" _Do you trust me, Rose_?" they both said in unison.

"Stop that!" Sam pointed at him and though she tried to hide her tone with a humorous one, Josh seemingly _knowing_ these things was starting to really tug at her heart. Her eyes blurred over with tears as she remembered that moment between them.

She had laughed and asked if Beth and Hannah made him recently watch more chick flicks with them. She guessed right.

" _Near…far…wherever you are…"_ Josh sung lowly to her, both of them laughing when the wind blew the rain hard at them and made them step back from the railing, "At least Jack had good weather on his side."

"Sorry, Sam, I…I don't know—I guess you said about the railing and my mind just thought of _Titanic…"_ Josh tried to explain, though she could tell that he was just as weirded out as she was, if not more so, because at least _she_ knew why he might remember these moments.

She swallowed and tried to smile, "So you've _seen_ the movie, huh?"

Josh blushed a bit and it made her smirk, "Well…who hasn't? It's a classic."

"Did you cry at the end?" Sam asked.

" _Psshh!"_ He waved his hand at her dramatically as if to dismiss her silly girlish notions, "Of course I did!"

Sam laughed loudly at the confession and she tried not to focus too hard on the way his eyes drank her in like she was the light of his life. She wanted to melt in his gaze and show him she felt the same, but she figured he knew—from the moment he came back into her life as Elliot, he'd caught her staring at him like he was a full moon on a clear night.

"Hey, uh…Elliot?" She started, her eyes darting from him to her mug of now lukewarm tea.

"Yes, Sam?" he asked, meeting her serious and questioning tone.

"Um…well, I just moved into my new place a few weeks ago and still have yet to invite anyone over for—because I've been procrastinating with unpacking so it's kinda a mess in there—but I was just wondering if maybe you'd like to…" she peaked up at him to see him staring eagerly at her. She folded in her lips to keep from smiling hugely, "to come over and visit Cee-Cee? She really misses you."

Josh's eyes widened as he instantly played her game, "She's been asking about me? 'Cause there are times I lay in bed at night just wondering what she's up to…"

Sam nodded earnestly, "Oh yeah, she—she sometimes stays up all night meowing, calling for you."

He leaned forward, "And you waited this long to tell me? All those nights you kept us apart when we both wanted the same thing…"

"She needed some time," Sam continued, "but she wants to cook you dinner tomorrow night. Her—c _aterole_ specialty."

Sam watched as Josh's eyes lit up as he tried really hard not to laugh, "Should I wear my suit and tie?"

Sam waved her hand, "Nah, she says she prefers casual, even though she's always wearing her finest fur coat."

"What time?"

"Five?"

"I'll bring the catnip."

* * *

 

_To Be Continued..._


	17. Thanks for the Memories, Kid

* * *

 

 ****Sam couldn’t believe Josh was coming over to her apartment—she still could hardly believe that she invited him. The last time they were alone, they almost crossed a very dangerous line; and they definitely would have if she hadn’t rolled over on that remote. But before that moment that changed the path they were on, she couldn’t keep her hands off him. And truth be told, she was worrying herself.

Ever since Josh started taking the medication she prescribed him, he was acting more like…well, Josh. Before, she could always tell the difference between Josh and Elliot—there were times when Josh shined through, but for the most part, it was Elliot’s persona that had control. But now, he was doing little things that reminded her of the _old_ Josh…his dark sense of humor being a big one.

Josh always had the ability to see right through her, and she knew her resistance against him was weak at best. He knew she didn’t want to say no to him, which was what gave him the motivation and courage to continue asking her out.

But when she started telling him stories of their past…and he remembered those little details that no one else could have possibly guessed…she knew she couldn’t deny him anymore. It took everything she had inside of her to not jump across the table and hold onto him, all while repeating gratefully, _“You remember! You remember, you remember…”_

She kept holding onto the hope that she would get to say those words to him sometime soon. Maybe she would get a chance to share more stories with him tonight.

The knock at the door announced his arrival. In her excitement, she went to the door without even realizing that Cee-Cee was laying right in the middle of the floor, resulting in Sam tripping over her, then accidentally stepping on her tail when Cee-Cee tried to scurry away. The cat screeched like it was being attacked by a large dog.

“Sorry, Ceec’ but seriously, _why_ sleep in the middle of the floor?” Sam shook her head then put on a smile before opening the door. She meant to greet him with actual words, but when she saw him standing there in a dark blue button down shirt and his short hair slightly spiked on the top, all she could manage was a breathless, “Hey…”

He grinned, revealing one of his hands that was behind his back, “I brought the catnip,” he waved a little baggy.

Sam laughed, “Well that will definitely keep her occupied for the night.”

Then he revealed his other hand that held a single rose in full bloom, “And for you.”

Her eyes widened at the deep red color but when she went to grab it, he pulled it back and said, “Be careful though…tons of thorns on the stem.” He held it up and sure enough, lots of tiny red thorns poked from the green stem, some hidden by the big leaves. He also held up his slightly cut up finger as proof.

She laughed again as she carefully took the flower from him, “Only you would get me something so gorgeous yet so dangerous.”

“Can’t have one without the other,” he responded, stepping into her apartment and closing the door behind him. That was the understatement of the century. “It smells awesome in here. Am I smelling _vegan_ food?”

She smirked at his humor, then walked to her cabinet to get a thin vase to put the rose in, “I’ll have you know, I can cook for _non-vegans_ , too. I made you pizza, remember?”

“I’ll never forget it,” he watched her fill the vase with water before placing it in the middle of the kitchen table. Sam saw Cee-Cee try desperately to climb up Josh’s leg to get to the kitty drugs in his hand, “We meet again, Clarice,” Josh told the cat, crouching down to scratch under her chin, “but you never called and now I feel like you’re just using me for my cat crack.”

“She’s going to attack you,” Sam said, trying to cover her giggles. Josh poured some of the catnip onto the kitchen floor and Cee-Cee went right for it, sniffing it in then rolling herself all over it. Sam tried not to stare at Josh as he leaned forward to pet Cee-Cee a few times. _‘Damn it, why did he have to get_ better _looking with age? This would be so much easier if he lost all his hair or got a beer belly…’_

When he stood up straight again, his eyes met hers and she immediately felt a blush creep onto her cheeks at being caught. His grin was undeniably charming as he walked toward her and said, “Now that the monster is subdued…” He stopped directly in front of her, and she craned her neck to look up at him, unsure why she didn’t back away. His raised his hands to put on her shoulders, but stopped before touching her. She witnessed the struggle in his eyes before he gripped his hands into fists and took a step back, “You look beautiful tonight, Sam.”

“Thank you…” she murmured, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear. She realized that he was showing her that he was letting her be in control of anything that happened between them, and she was both grateful and disappointed. They were two people in love who had been separated for years and yet they had to tiptoe around each other. She briefly wondered if he would hate her if she flat out told him everything, but knew that him hating her was just an unlikely as her ever hating him. “Um…how about some music?”

Sam went to her iPod stereo and selected _Random Play_ in the hopes that nothing too dangerously bittersweet or romantic would come out during the evening.

To her somewhat relief, it was Lady Gaga’s “Edge of Glory” that started off the night.

_“There ain’t no reason you and me should be alone, Tonight yeah baby, and I got a reason that you’re who should take me home tonight. I need a man who thinks it’s right when it’s so wrong…”_

“Do you need any help?” he asked, watching her scurry back into the kitchen to check on his chicken and dumpling casserole and her zucchini casserole.

“No, I think they’re done,” she said, pulling out the 5x5 dish that held his casserole. “How does it look?” She beamed proudly, tilting the dish in his direction.

“It looks great,” he replied, chuckling, “But you seriously don’t have to go all out for me every time you invite me over for dinner.”

She shrugged a bit, absentmindedly saying, “They say the way to a man’s heart is his stomach.” She froze as soon as the words left her mouth; she meant to only state a random quote to match the moment, but she realized a bit too late that it a bit too close to their current situation.

Thankfully, Josh just laughed and said, “I do have to say, I was all yours as soon as you gave me all that pizza to take home.”

“Ahh, so _that’s_ what started it, huh?” Sam giggled, eagerly wanting to make light of the situation like he was.

She set her casserole on top of the stove next to his before getting their plates. He was silent as he watched her make their plates but when she turned to hand him his, he finally said, “No, actually…it was before we even actually met.”

Sam gripped her plate hard as she scooped her food onto her plate, “Oh…?” She never actually did ask _why_ he chose her out of all the therapists in the world he could have chosen, and she thought maybe it was because she was afraid of his answer. Because in the end, it couldn’t have been anything else but fate bringing them back together.

They walked to her table and sat down across from each other, then he said, “Yeah, I just saw your name and something felt…familiar? So I thought…maybe you were one of my doctors before I lost my memory, and you would be able to tell me who I am.”

Her heart sunk at his confession, “I’m…sorry; I wasn’t even a doctor ten years ago…”

Despite everything, he still smiled at her, “Well, I know that _now._ I didn’t know you were my age when I picked you. All my other doctors were at least fifteen years older than me.”

She pushed around her food on her plate for a moment as she zoned out. So even just her name triggered something for him, he just didn’t know what. But he had been hoping from the start that she would be the one to tell him about his past life, but she chose not to because she thought it would be better for him if he found out on his own. Now she was beginning to wonder about her choices…

Josh must have seen her distress, because he then added in, “It’s okay though—I stopped caring about finding out my past around the time you brought me to Chris and Ashley’s.”

Her wide eyes shot up to him, shock taking over her, “What? _Why?_ ”

He shrugged absently, taking his eyes away from her curious ones, “I guess because I realized it’s not that important? I mean, I obviously don’t have anyone from my past that cares about me, that’s why no one’s tried to find me. And _you…_ ” his eyes flitted nervously for a second before glancing up to her, “You made me want to focus on right now. And the future. And… now I kinda think I ended up picking you for entirely different reasons altogether...” He confessed, his eyes falling from hers - she knew he was careful about his admissions at this point, since the two of them had _no_ clear idea where the line that they seemed to always cross even _was_ at this point. Sam closed her mouth, after she realized it was hanging open, and cleared her throat before taking a big, nervous gulp of her wine.

“So… why the change of heart?” He wondered, his eyes searching again for hers now. “I mean, why did you change your mind about seeing me outside of our sessions?” he corrected. Sam didn’t really know how to explain what had changed, but she’d had a feeling he might ask this. She sighed, feeling her shoulders slouch a bit defeatedly as she fiddled with her napkin.

“The truth or a lie?” She asked lowly, her cheeks pink and her head slightly spinning from the wine.

“Truth. Always,” he said, leaning back in his chair. He seemed at ease, which made Sam feel at ease, too.

“ _Because_ …because I wanted to,” she said simply, bravely. She knew this would potentially (no, _definitely_ ) open up a dialogue between the two, one in which she had been avoiding out of fear of overstepping boundaries again - she didn’t want to confuse the poor guy. But at the same time, she was tired of hiding so much of herself from him. Maybe he wouldn’t ever remember but… maybe it was time to tell him the truth about who he was. Why not? Maybe they could go find a doctor who specialized in this kind of thing… maybe she was just wasting more time that they could be together on this silly notion that he would _eventually_ remember everything on his own.

“I… I’m really glad you changed your mind about me, Sam and that… that you’re willing to give me another shot after-”

“Do you still have those thoughts?” She wondered aloud, and Josh cocked his head to the side as he waited for her to elaborate. “The thoughts in your head that made you do what you did… you know, to Liam…”

“Oh, no. No, not really. I think those meds you prescribed have pretty much shut those voices up,” he said proudly.

“Don’t get the wrong idea, and I probably shouldn’t say this to you at all but…” Sam paused as she stared at his expectant, patient face. He leaned back in on the table, his elbows propped up on the dark mahogany tabletop. “I think it was very sweet that you defended me the way you did… _not_ that I think any of it was good or appropriate,” she added quickly, but her stoic face broke into a smile as his did. “Just… if it ever gets to that point again, you’ll let me know, right?”

“I get it, I get it,” he chuckled. “It won’t happen, no matter _how_ loud the voices get.” Sam noticed that they’d long since cleared their plates, and now they were just sitting across from each other, enjoying the company. Even still, the distance between them felt so vast across that table. “I won’t let you down again, Sam.” Suddenly, against her own will, Sam caught a flash of the night of the prank. She didn’t want to recall such a dark moment, _especially_ right now, but she wished he had his memory back just so she could ask him why he did it. Well, she knew _why_ he did it but… why to _her_?

The week before the night on the mountain, 2015, when Josh had contacted them all, Sam had almost ( _almost_ ) considered not going. Josh had made it so clear that he wanted to ‘let her go,’ and their five months of agonizing radio-silence just cemented that fact. Even still, even losing him in her life, Sam didn’t regret going to him that night - she would never regret saving his life.

That’s why when she got the invite, the first contact from him in what felt like forever, she truly contemplated passing it up, afraid that it was simply a pity invite or that he felt obligated since he invited everyone else. The thought of that felt much worse than him ignoring her.

Sam figured she always knew why he’d cut her off - he needed to focus on his own health, he didn’t want to feel the burden of having to be sane and healthy for her when he clearly, so badly, needed to just fall apart. He didn’t want to drag her down with him. But it was far too late for that, by then. Sam would have gone with Josh to Hell and back just to be with him.

As she sat on the bus on her way up the mountain, Sam had no idea how she was going to feel seeing and talking to him again - he seemed so different on the video invite (that she’d unadmittedly watched a million times just to see his face and hear his voice). But once she’d really had the chance to think about it, there was never even the option of skipping.

Seeing Chris at the cable car was the first time she’d seem him in months, too. She knew he was spending a ridiculous amount of time with Ashley, who’d really taken the missing twins and her part in it quite hard. Before Josh had cut her off, he’d lamented to her about Chris being a ‘traitor’ for spending all his spare time with her, instead of with him. Sam knew now that wasn’t Josh talking - the Josh she knew and loved growing up would never have felt that way about Chris.

She had been wanting to talk to Chris for some time - she’d talk to him once in awhile through texts, where he’d regularly give her a briefing on what Josh had been up to, but even he wasn’t as up to date as would have been expected from how close the two of them were. When she did get a golden opportunity on the cable car, she’d only had the courage to mention that things had been weird between her and Josh and that she’d been worried… but they both agreed that this night might just be exactly what Josh needed.

Once the two of them had left Jessica behind and headed up the trail to the lodge, Sam didn’t even get a chance to prepare what she was going to say to him as she (quite literally) ran into him on the path. It felt like crashing into a wall, and the sheer force of it knocked Sam back on her butt in the white, powdery snow.

“Hey kid, been walking long?” Josh’s voice droned from above her, teasingly, and Sam felt her breath hitch at the _actual_ sight of him. Based on the last time she’d seen him, he actually looked a little bit better. He’d gained some weight back, but his hollow eyes still looked tired and empty. He reached down, grabbing her by the hand and hoisting her up onto her feet. Her eyes stung with involuntary tears, she wanted nothing more than to throw herself at him - and then hit him for being such a _jerk_. Instead she brushed the snow off of her and replied with a sarcastic, “hey, watch where you’re goin’ why dontcha.” Josh offered her a small grin before turning his attention (of course) to his best bro. The two of them exchanged an awkward handshake-hug.

“I’m surprised you took so long, I just saw that Ashley’s already here,” Josh taunted him with an elbow to the side. Chris just scrunched his nose and looked at his feet, shaking his head.

“Oh, we’re gonna start with that already?” he grumbled, pushing his glasses back up the bridge of his nose and Sam found herself giggling at his shyness, despite herself. She glanced back at Josh, who gave her a quick but reassuring wink before they turned to hike up the rest of the way towards the lodge together. At even that _very_ small gesture, Sam’s face was on fire, her stomach flipping. She forgot how incredibly giddy he made her feel, and even now it was as though no time had ever passed between them at all - and yet, at the same time, everything felt different. She wondered what the night had in store for them. She could only hope that he would take her aside at some point and explain himself, tell her that he was sorry for hurting her… _anything_.

But, as they neared the lodge, Josh’s attention seemed to be scattered in all different directions, even though his demeanor seemed relatively subdued. He seemed hypervigilant - _distracted_. Sam didn’t want to bother him, and something about the way he was acting made her positive that if she tried to engage him in any kind of conversation she would. So she stood back as Chris took the reins, trying to feel things out, no doubt.

“Man, I feel like this mountain gets bigger every time I climb it,” Chris huffed.

“Oh yeah? Seems the same to me…” Josh assured.

“Oh, c’mon. You grew up here. It probably feels like it’s shrinking,” Chris combatted.

“I guess that’s true…” Josh shrugged. Even though Josh was present, he didn’t really seem _all_ there, and it made Sam slightly nervous the way she could pick up the slight slur in his drawl - not unlike Thanksgiving, when he’d gone off his meds.

Chris fidgeted with his phone, trying in vain to get a signal, as if he didn’t already know from years of visiting this lodge that it was a useless gesture, “When you gonna install some towers up here? I’m getting withdrawals already,” he grumbled.

“You got a spare million lying around and I’ll fix you right up,” Josh deadpanned, and Sam found herself smiling again, on the verge of laughter or tears - she wasn’t quite sure at this point so instead she just stood down by the gate waiting for Emily while Chris and Josh fumbled with the lock to get them inside.

“What’s with the long face?” Matt asked unexpectedly, giving Sam a bit of a jump when he seemingly snuck up out of nowhere. She eyed his morose expression.

“I should ask you the same thing,” she deflected. He gave a shrug.

“Just… a little uneasy being stranded up here with _magic Mike_ ,” he said with a bit of animosity. Sam nodded with an ‘ _ahh, gotcha_ ”. She’d just recently heard about Matt and Emily getting together - no doubt a direct result of Jessica and Mike coupling up only around the week prior to them. Even still, it had been well over two months (long enough for Em and Matt to go on a trip together, even) since they’d swapped partners. She had hoped the awkwardness would have subsided by now, but it appeared not.

“I’m sure it’ll be fine,” Sam assured, patting Matt on the shoulder, but he still seemed to be seething about something.

“Hey, Sam, can I talk to you for a second?” Sam suddenly heard Josh ask; she hadn’t even noticed that he had come back over this way. Her mouth ran dry, her body growing warm with nerves as she wordlessly followed him up the trail and over to a more secluded area a few yards away from Ashley and Matt.

Once they were out of earshot, Josh turned to Sam and she found herself shrinking under his intense gaze. She felt hopeful that this was their moment, but as she noticed him fidgeting and seemingly apprehensive, she wasn’t sure what to expect. He seemed to be looking around at everything except her. She even knew for certain at this moment that he was off his meds again, but she shook the thought away anyways, just trying to appreciate the fact that she got to see him at all, no matter what his state.

“ _Josh_ ,” she began, but he took over quickly, pulling her in for a quick, fleeting hug.

“I don’t have that long; I’ve got some stuff to take care of-”

“Oh, do you need any help?” she offered, hoping that she didn’t seem too eager. He shook his head.

“No I just…” finally he paused, sighing before meeting her gaze. He brought his hands up to her shoulders, bringing his face close to hers and Sam stopped breathing. “I just wanted to take a minute to apologize to you for disappearing on you. I started to write you a letter like 100 times but it never seemed right. And I never expected you to come here after I-”

“ _It’s fine_ , Josh,” Sam forced a smile, albeit a weak one. She was just happy he was alive and well. “ _Really_ , I understand. You’ve been through a lot.” He heaved another sigh, shaking his head a bit.

“I _just_ … I hate that the last time you saw me I was… a little bit stupid.” Sam smirked, narrowing her eyes teasingly and cocking her head to the side. She brought her hand up, her pointer finger and thumb about an inch apart.

“Just a little, _tiny_ bit,” she teased, and she could see the faintest promise of a smile dying to break across his lips. She wished so badly that it would.

Instead, he very seriously said, “And I appreciate you not telling anyone about that...and… thanks for not giving up on me...”

“Of course,” she nodded. There was a pregnant pause between them, a silence where a million things were said. Josh cleared his throat, thoroughly ending the moment as quickly as it crept up on them.

“ _Anyway_ , I uh… I just wanted to break the ice. I don’t want things to be weird between us,” he added sincerely. Suddenly, his watch began to beep. Josh reached down and silenced it before he uttered, “I’ve gotta get something but…” he began to walk off in a bit of a hurry, turning back towards her once more. “I wanna set some time aside tonight with you… to talk,” he called over to her, and Sam felt relief wash over her. She had been hoping that something like this might happen - and he was right. At least the ice was broken.

When Sam joined the group once more, her eyes caught Ashley’s curious ones peering over at her. A knowing smile crossed the redhead’s lips.

“What was _that_ about?” She asked, raising her eyebrows suggestively, but Sam just offered her a coy shrug. She felt relieved even just thinking about how promising this night seemed, no matter how sad the circumstances shrouding them, like a dark cloud, looming.

“Sam?” Josh said across the table from her, and Sam snapped herself back into the present, noticing that she hadn’t heard much of anything Josh had said over the last couple of minutes - he noticed, too. He chuckled a bit, “where do you go when you disappear like that?”

“I never know,” Sam said, taking another drink of her wine. Her cheeks felt warm, and she tried to pretend like she didn’t notice the way he was looking at her. Again.

The music player shifted, a new song starting. Sam recognized it right away and if Josh had his memory back, he would have too. Her eyes closed and she let the music wash over her, “I love this song,” she confessed, swaying back and forth. It was called “I’m Wanderin’” by Kristina Train, and when Sam had discovered the song on a music station when she was younger, she’d fallen in love with it. Josh smirked, a slight look of recognition on his face.

“I feel… like I know this song. It sounds familiar,” he said. Maybe sometime over these years he had heard it again, but Sam _knew_ he had when they were younger. Sam had showed the song to Hannah and she played it on repeat for a week straight in honor of Mike. Josh wanted to kill Sam for ever introducing her to it. And listening to it now filled Sam with a strange, homesick feeling.

“Let’s dance,” he suggested suddenly, his smile fading into a look of terrifying seriousness. Sam opened her mouth to object, but Josh was already standing and nearing her, his hand extended out towards her. Sam stared at him reluctantly, and he rolled his shoulder, “I know, it’s corny. But, c’mon, you’re practically dancing already anyway,” he pointed out before taking her hand and pulling her up to him with very little resistance on her part. “Might as well have a partner.”

“ _Okayyyy_ ,” she said almost inaudibly, slipping off her shoes. Josh didn’t wait to take ahold of her waist, bringing her body to his. Sam felt like she was a recovering alcoholic with someone dangling a glass of wine in her face; it was the most beautiful, excruciating kind of torture.

“Is that all you got, Jensen?” he teased, and Sam realized how stiffly she was moving. “I know for a _fact_ that you have better moves than this. Remember?” He, of course, was referring to the night at the bar. She had tried to keep her face straight, but his coy smile made one break on her face anyway. She laughed quietly, her head falling back lazily.

“What am I going to do with you?” she groaned, pressing her chin to his shoulder. Her hands gripped him a little closer, and she could feel him relax under her touch as he laid his cheek on her head. They swayed together silently, and Sam let herself just enjoy this moment, one that she knew she probably shouldn’t be having, but her heart felt too full and happy to pull away.

_Oh I’m wishin’ -  been yearnin’ for your kiss_

_Mmm I’ve been missing the warmth of your caress_

_Since I lost you, I lost you, all I ever do_

_Is be wanderin’, wanderin’, wanderin’, wanderin’ back you_

“Sam?” She heard him say low and close to her ear, and she closed her eyes at the sound of his voice saying her name like he had so many times when they were young.

“ _Hmm?_ ” she somehow managed to reply, albeit weakly.

“Thanks for not giving up on me.” Sam didn’t respond, just shifted her neck so her head was resting against his shoulder on his chest.

She decided. She was going to tell him. He needed to know who he was - to the world. _To her._ And once he knew, they could move forward. Maybe it would never be how it was in the past… but that didn’t mean they couldn’t have a future.

The song came to a close, and of course, “No Diggity” had to come on right after to kill the moment.

“What kind of playlist follows up a song like _that_ with “No Diggity”? _Who_ are you?” He laughed.

“My music taste is vast,” she shrugged nonchalantly.

“Apparently,” he said quietly, his face close to hers, and Sam realized they were still holding onto one another. She smiled wryly, pulling away from him before she offered, “more wine?” Naturally, he agreed, and she avoided the intoxicating hopefulness behind his eyes.

She walked away from him and into the kitchen, all the while feeling his eyes follow her. She knew more wine was probably a _bad_ idea—the last time they ended up drinking together she’d almost slept with him. And being so close to him and dancing with him in her apartment was already proving to be hard enough. After all these years, he still had a certain charm that was nearly impossible to come by. He could match her wit in a seconds notice, and his jokes were always somehow tinted in a flirtatious undertone.   
She giggled to herself as she got the wine opener out. She heard something small tumble to the floor in the living room followed by the fast scurrying of Cee-Cee. 

“What happened?” She called out absently as she grabbed the corkscrew to open the fresh bottle.

“Cee-Cee knocked over one of your boxes. I’ll pick it up for you,” Josh answered from the living room.

“Thanks; I swear, she’s always knocking down something,” Sam chuckled, twisting the screw into the cork. 

There was a long moment of silence before she heard Josh call out to her, “Wow…you weren’t kidding when you said I looked like Josh…”

She stopped twisting the corkscrew as her heart dropped to her stomach. _That was a weird thing to say…I don’t have any picture of Josh on the counters, do I? No…no, I don’t have any pictures up, so—_ _  
_

“Sam…” he said slowly, uncertainly, alarmed, “why do I look so much like Josh…?”  
And all at once, that’s when the realization hit her: she left her shoebox on the desk beside the wall and Cee-Cee knocked it over and scattered all the pictures out. She let go of the wine bottle and dropped her arms to her sides. She had no idea how she forgot about her shoebox sitting there. She distinctly remembered telling herself to put it in the closet before Josh got there, but then she started cleaning, making dinner, getting ready… how could she have been so careless? 

Sam sucked in a sharp breath. When she spun around she was startled to see him there in the archway of the kitchen, staring down at what could only be a photograph of Josh - _no…_ of _himself_ \- in his hand.  
  
“Is this some kind of joke?” He asked quietly, flipping the picture around to show her - it was one of them at the school carnival. In it, he was beaming proudly and Sam was triumphantly holding up a panda bear almost as big as her that he’d just won her after an _embarrassing_ amount of time and money. 

“No, no… it’s um… _that’s..._ ” she stuttered over her words, wiping her forehead with her wrist, uncomfortably. She was unsure how to even _begin_ to explain _this_ to him - she’d been awaiting the opportunity, wondering if tonight was the night… and yet, as fate would have it (and like most things in Sam’s life), she didn’t get a choice in that decision at all, anymore. 

Josh snatched another photo out of the box, his eyes scanning all of the faces, shaking his head.“What is going on? Wh-who is in all of these pictures? A-and who…” he plopped the box on the counter, nearing Sam with another photograph that he brought up close to her face, “and who are they?” he demanded, a photograph of Hannah, Beth and Josh sitting together on the steps of the lodge… Sam’s stomach sank, her hands beginning to shake. “I _know_ these girls. These are the ones from my dreams. How do you _know_ them, let alone have _pictures_ of them?” he prodded. Sam could see in his panicked face that he was realizing he already knew the answers to these questions as he asked them. He was frantic, seemingly overheated as he ran a bothered hand through his hair. He stared down at the open box, seemingly trying to decide to walk away from it or keep looking through them. His eyes traveled back to Sam, who was just standing before him, simply dumbfounded. “ _Say_ something!” he finally shouted, and when Sam jumped at his volume, his eyes softened and she could now see he was holding back tears. “ _Say...something_ .” 

“Do you…” her voice trembled, “do you remember at Ashley and Chris’ when we were on the beach and I said… I said there was a reason why you feel like you’ve known me your whole life?” She asked weakly, her voice wavering as she tried to keep tears from falling out of her swelling eyes. Josh’s eyes were wide… wild. She could see his jaw clench as he looked away from her, taking shallow, overwhelmed breaths. 

“Am I Josh?” He asked very plainly. Sam felt her eyebrows crease and tears spill over. She bit her bottom lip to keep the sob from escaping her lips as she silently nodded. “And these were my sisters…” he added, peering down at the photo again, a _statement_ rather than a _question_ . Sam nodded again, wrapping her arms around herself. She watched through blurry vision as his eyes narrowed, a look of confusion on his face. “And you… you didn’t _tell_ me? All this time with me telling you how alone I was and that I didn’t have a family… you _knew_ ?” 

“Josh, I-” She gasped, taking a step towards him.

“I’m _Elliot_ ,” he said, taking a step back and away from her, clinging onto the only thing he knew - that his name was Elliot. “My _name_ is Elliot.” Sam just shook her head, the tears continually falling from her eyes. 

“No…” she choked out, “it’s _not._ ” He brought his hands to his ears, shaking his head, trying to tune her words out. “Your name is Joshua Washington. And almost 10 years ago we endured a horrific night and somewhere along the way you blocked it all out-” 

“ _No,_ ” he muttered, his face looking like his mind was running a million miles a minute. 

“You pulled a horrible prank, l-like the one you did to Liam. Things got out of control and you ended up lost in these mines…” she began to explain. She figured she should save the wendigo talk for another time - this was already disturbing enough for him. She continued, even though she knew he didn’t want to hear any more of it. 

“Stop,” he said quietly, barely above a whisper. But Sam didn’t. She _couldn’t_ . And she knew that even though he was resisting, he wanted to know this. 

“We thought you _died_ … we had a funeral. And I never expected to ever see you again,” she sobbed. His eyes fell to hers as she continued to try to explain through the tears. “You don’t even know what you meant to me… my whole entire life. You were my family and when I lost you I-” she couldn’t even find the right words to end that sentence. “And then, by som-some _miracle_ , you just walked into my office two months ago. And I thought I was _crazy_ … I thought I was imagining your similarities and your mannerisms… I _hoped..._ but I never believed it could actually _be_ you, Josh.” 

He didn’t correct her when she called him Josh this time. 

He stared at her vacantly; she hadn’t seen this look on his face in so long and it pained her more than she could fathom that she was responsible for such a heartbreaking glance. He plopped the stack of pictures away from him on the counter and took in a jagged breath, running his hand down the length of his face, “I uh… I think I need to go.” Sam’s eyes widened, as that was literally the last thing she imagined coming out of his mouth. 

“Josh,” she cried, her voice breaking, “ _please_ .” She neared him but he held up his hands to stop her from coming any closer. She did as he wanted. “Please stay. I’ll tell you _everything_ . Anything you want to know,” she begged. 

“I just… I need to think… about this,” he said, his voice ragged and slightly breathless. Sam nodded solemnly.  

“O-okay…” she relented, wanting nothing more than to lock him in her apartment and not let him leave until she knew he was fine. She hated the idea of him going out into the world now with this information weighing on him - she didn’t even get to break him in easy. He just had this sprung on him and he was confused and scared… and worst of all, he didn’t want her around right now. Just like when he cut her loose the first time. Try as she might, she couldn’t fix him this time.

Even despite of the fact that he was visibly upset with her, he still neared her and pulled her in her a fleeting hug, and she felt him place a halfhearted kiss across her forehead before he brushed past her, grabbing his coat on the way out the front door. 

Once it closed behind him, Sam’s body shook with sobs. She dropped down onto her couch, her head in her hands as she cried, trying in vain to figure out how she could have possibly been so careless in leaving those pictures out? Even more than that, though, was the fact that this whole time she thought she was doing the right thing in keeping who he really was from him, afraid that it would be too much for him, and it ended up happening anyway.

Despite all of her despair at the moment, Sam knew that Josh just needed the time to sort out his head, and she knew he wouldn’t stay gone for long - they had a connection. And even though he was hurting and confused, she was the only one in his life right now who knew the truth about who he really was. He was bound to want to explore that more soon.

In the meantime, her heart felt shattered for trying so hard to do the right thing and having it blow up in her face. Sam wiped her eyes, and took in a deep breath, deciding to at least try to clean up the dinner mess. It was better than wallowing. As she carried the dishes to the sink mindlessly, she allowed her mind to wander to that dark place again, the night that he died. How was she ever going to be able to tell him about that night and the reason why he had been missing for the last 9 years? The details of that night still pained her so much that it was no surprise that she’d really thought very little of it since it happened. It was far too tragic, even knowing he was alive, now.   
She also wondered how he’d feel when she told him what he’d done to _her_ that night. 

After fixing the boiler and getting into the bath that night, Sam had been trying everything in her power to decompress and get her thoughts in order - she kept thinking about what he’d said earlier, about how he wanted to set aside some time with her to talk. It was the most promising thing that had happened between them since Christmas break. She just wanted an hour or so to get herself mentally prepared for whatever it was that he wanted to discuss.

When she felt a draft and the candles blow out beside her, she froze, her stomach sinking. She pulled her earbuds out to see if she could hear anything going on, but it was eerily quiet. There wasn’t even the sound of laughter or a party downstairs, which felt odd considering that’s the whole reason why they were there. 

“Hello?” She called out, “ _guys_ ?” 

_Prank._ _  
_

It automatically crossed her mind because… well, that’s what _always_ happened at a Washington event. Someone got pranked or scared or startled. It was practically tradition at this point. Since Chris had already pulled one on her and Josh in the basement, she’d hoped that was the extent of the shenanigans for the night. 

“ _What_ are you doing out there?” she called out. It wasn’t until she stood, wrapping the towel around her and realizing that her clothes were gone that Sam realized there was a very real possibility that _she_ was the subject of the prank, and she felt her face flush with frustration - had these guys learned _nothing_ ? A stupid prank was the whole reason they were even here again. “Oh, for Pete’s sake, my _clothes_ ? Whoever did this is off my Christmas list, seriously not cool, guys. _Not_ cool at all,” she grumbled. 

She left the steamy warmth of the bathroom, the cold stinging air hitting her right away. She was even more upset that her clothes were missing for that fact alone; it was freezing. She began calling out for her friends but it was just as unnervingly silent as it was in the closed quarters of the bathroom. Although Sam would consider herself a brave person, she definitely felt the uneasiness of the situation growing as all the possibilities of what prank they had in store for her flashed in her mind.

After searching around, Sam was becoming more and more desperate, beginning to wonder if this was even a prank at all - maybe something bad happened to them? Still, as she descended the stairs, blindly following the strategically placed balloons, she held onto hope that they’d all be laughing about this in a little bit, even though right now she could kill them.

She took the flashlight Josh had set on the credenza earlier, which at least made it a little easier to see in the dark, cold and seemingly empty lodge. She entered the movie room timidly, knowing that she was going exactly where she was being instructed to go.

“Hey! Guys come _on_ !” Sam yelled out, regretting the sound of fear shaking in her voice. She hoped maybe they’d hear it too and have mercy on her. This was all sorts of messed up and if Josh had anything to do with this she was going to be livid. “I’m done with this I _really_ don’t appreciate the silent treatment here!”  The doors slammed behind her, and Sam jumped and screamed from the suddenness of it. 

“Hello, Samantha,” a terrifying voice called out, as though it were on a loudspeaker. She searched the room for the source of the voice, her breath shallow and the fear burning inside of her. “Looking for me? I don’t think you’ll have much luck by looking, Samantha. You’re only going to see what I _want_ you to see.” The projector above snapped on, and Sam could hear the sound of the reel clicking, pulling her eyes to the huge, illuminated movie screen. “And I have _quite_ a lot to show you.” 

“What is going on?” She wondered aloud, knowing there was no answer.

“Open your eyes,” he demanded.

And then, there she was, only moments ago, sitting obliviously in the bathtub. Sam felt nauseous as she stared at herself on the screen, realizing someone was in there with her and she didn’t even know it. Worse, they were filming her. 

“ _Oh my God_ ...” 

“She’s quite beautiful, isn’t she? A beautiful bathing bird. You think she has any idea what lies ahead?”

“How… why… _why_ did you…” she stuttered. 

“Do you think these were the _last_ happy moments of this creature’s life?” 

“Why are you showing this to me?” She asked, her eyes filled with tears as the gravity of the situation finally began to weigh on her - this wasn’t just some stupid prank. She was in real, genuine danger at this point.

“Why are you watching?”

Then, the scene changed, and it was worse than what Sam could have ever imagined. There before her eyes, she saw her greatest nightmare unfolding. 

_“Josh!!”_ Sam screamed. 

The image on the screen was more horrific than anything she could ever imagine, and yet she couldn’t bring herself to look away. Josh was tied upright, a circular saw bisecting him while he screamed in agonizing pain. So much blood… Sam almost dropped to her knees, she was so destroyed.

“How does it make you feel?” the voice menaced, almost taunting her.

“Oh my God! What did you _do_ ?” She cried hysterically, unable to believe what she was seeing. No. There was no way. This wasn’t happening. 

“I’m going to give you 10 seconds…9...8…” he offered, and Sam didn’t have time to mourn or think, she just knew if she wanted to survive at all she needed to run.

“Nonononnono!” She cowered, looking around for some kind of exit, and for a split second she almost thought about giving up. If that was true, if Josh was really dead, did she even have the fight in her to save herself?

“...7…”

“Please, no!” She begged, but it didn’t matter. The doors busted open, and Sam could make out the terrifying figure of a masked man, and he was nearing her.

“Sam? _Sa-am_ .” 

Sam didn’t wait to see any more - she took off running back down towards the basement, hoping that the long and confusing corridors would offer her some kind of sanctuary. She held the towel tightly to her to keep it from falling off.   
Sam rounded the corner by the boiler, regretting the fact that it was a dead end, so she simply held her breath and turned off her flashlight, hoping that he couldn’t see in the dark and through that mask and maybe, just maybe she could go undetected. She could hear the sound of his footsteps over the sound of her rapid, fearful breaths. 

“Sam? Why are you hiding? Why prolong the inevitable?” he wondered eerily, a game of cat and mouse. There was one thing that was undeniable at this point: whoever he was, he was _enjoying_ this. Sam tried to run, tried to get passed him, but he caught her easily by the neck, bringing a gas mask to her face forcefully as he forced her securely against his chest. She screamed, she kicked, she struggled. She put up a real fight. Even through her terror, she knew that Josh would have wanted her to _fight_ . 

She pawed to her right, searching for something, _anything_ , to help her fight him off. Her hand grabbed ahold of something hard and smooth, and she instantly recognized it as the baseball bat from earlier. With all the strength she could muster, Sam swung the bat up and over her shoulder, hearing a satisfying crack when it made contact with this side of his head. He groaned, getting knocked back, and Sam leapt from his grasp to get away. 

Of course there was no handle on the door to the next room - whoever this was, they’d really thought ahead. She slammed her shoulder into the hard, wooden door and tried desperately to force it open, only successful after a few times of throwing her body into it. She closed it on him just in time, and locked it quickly. 

Sam didn’t have time to think or reflect, she knew she had to keep moving. From years of hide and seek with the Washingtons in this basement, she knew there was always another way around, and if this psychopath knew that too, he was already searching for another route. She hurried to the next door, pushing through and falling instantly into a dilapidated, long hallway that looked like it was either in the middle of renovations and abandoned, or that it had been destroyed somehow and never got repaired. She rubbed her head and hissed in pain, walking carefully along the rusty nails and debris, desperately wishing she at least had a pair of shoes. 

She followed the hall down, and once she found another hallway that was a little more bare, she took off running… which ended up being a huge mistake, as she, quite literally ran right into him.

She screamed, but the sound was muffled by the gas mask being forced over her mouth and nose, and through her gas-induced haze she could hear him say, “ _So_ sorry…” She felt her legs failing beneath her, her body lowering as her vision got dark. 

Before waking up tied to a chair, the last thing Sam remembered was the gentle sway of her body being carried, her arm draped around her captor’s shoulder. He glanced down at her when he noticed her stirring, and there was something familiar about the eyes that peered at her though the mask. Her head was heavy and she could hardly keep her eyes open as she heard him say, “Sorry Sammy. It’s nothing personal…”

As Sam stood presently, realizing that she’d been washing the same plate for the last five minutes or so, she shook the memories of that night off of her. That was the past. And that part of her history with Josh wasn’t _nearly_ as important as the years upon years of amazing memories they’d created in their life together. It was a sad, scary blip that changed _everything_ , but it wasn’t the one that she was going to let define them.   
Sam shut off the warm running water, wiping her hands on a dishtowel. She brought her hand up to wipe away the remainder of tears from before, and even though the kitchen wasn’t finished, she decided it was time to call it a night. 

Sam’s next objective opening the wine bottle with a _pop_ and pouring herself a glass that was at least double the serving. She didn’t care, she brought the glass to her lips and carried the bottle with her to the living room. As she walked, she caught a glimpse out her window that made her do a double take. She squinted to make it out a little better, nearing the sheer curtains and when she pulled them back, she saw that Josh hadn’t made it very far when he’d taken off. 

He was sitting across the street on a park bench - a bus stop. She hadn’t even realized that it had begun to rain; in fact, it was pouring. The bus came, and then the bus went, and he was still sitting there, staring into space. She knew he didn’t want to see her right now, but she couldn’t let him sit out there in the rain like that, either. She hurried over to her coat closet, grabbing a black umbrella before slipping on some shoes and her jacket that were waiting by her front door.

It was admittedly brisk out, especially for California, but it was _nothing_ compared to those nights on the mountain. Even still, she held back a shiver as she jogged towards him, narrowly being hit by a car as the rain seeming to douse her clothes instantly. She realized quickly as she drew closer that there was almost no point of an umbrella; he was already soaked. 

“What are you doing out here?” Sam asked, wrapping her coat around herself tightly as she used her other hand to attempt to shield herself from the rain. Josh just stared at her, his eyes seemingly trying to take in every grove and feature of her face, trying to learn her.

_Trying to remember?_

“Are my sisters dead?” He asked, his voice raised over the sound the rain violently hitting the asphalt and Sam could only nod sadly in response. “Why didn’t you tell me who I was?” 

“Just… just come back inside. We’ll _talk_ -” she coaxed, trying to grab ahold of his hand. When he didn’t budge off the bench, she let it drop limply. He looked up at her with those eyes - the ones she’d grown to love over and over and over again. 

“ _Sam_ ,” he said, and Sam could tell by his face that he wasn’t moving. He was insisting on hearing her answer right here, right now. She fidgeted with the unopened umbrella, shifting her weight from foot to foot, nervously. 

“You… You had to remember for yourself.” He looked away from her, back at some phantom point that he kept staring at. He shook his head.

“How could you do that?” he asked, and Sam couldn't read him anymore. His face didn’t seem to match his words, he didn’t seem angry or hurt anymore. He seemed amused, almost astonished - a total shift from earlier when he’d rushed out. 

“I… I don’t understand,” Sam uttered, feeling the rain soak through her clothes and wetting her skin. 

“How could you pretend you didn’t even _know_ me, feeling the way you feel about me?” he reiterated. When he put it that way it was hard to not feel a squeeze on her heart - it had been _so_ hard. He didn’t even know what she’d gone through, the torment and the heartache and the temptation over the last few months.

“It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life,” Sam admitted, her heart in her throat now. 

“Harder than saying goodbye when I left for college?” he mused, a light in his eyes that and the smallest hint of a smile on his lips. 

“ _Wha-_ what did you just say?” Sam felt her breath hitch at the mention of that precious, sacred moment between them… and that he was referencing a memory from when he was Josh - one she’d never divulged to him. Josh stood slowly and took a determined step towards her. 

“I _said_ … was it harder to pretend like you weren’t in love with me than it was when I got in my mustang and drove away for college?” he reiterated, his eyes burning into her. 

“Wha- _how…_ ” she began to stammer, trying not to get her hopes up but it seemed nearly impossible when he said, “Or when your parents divorced when you were 13?” She felt the corners of her mouth tug. She wanted to jump into his arms at that very moment, and it was incredibly hard to keep her feet on the ground. He took another step towards her. “Was it harder than watching me date that vampire?” 

“ _Josh?_ ” she said quietly. His eyes flickered when he said it.

_Recognition._

“ _Yes, Sam?_ ” The way he said her name sent a chill down her spine. She narrowed her eyes, a wry smile painted across her lips. 

“...how much do you remember?” she asked, her voice almost a whisper as she shook her head in disbelief. He reached towards her, brushing the wet, golden, wet hair from her face.

“It’s still a little hazy. Well… _really_ hazy,” he admitted. Even still, those were some solid memories he was recalling. “But...enough to know how badly you’ve probably wanted me to do this,” And without another beat, Josh was kissing her - hard and deeply. Not unlike the way he did at Chris and Ashley’s house, or even his apartment...but so, so much better. 

Because he wasn’t Elliot anymore. 

_He was Josh. He was finally, really Josh._ _  
_

Sam gripped onto him, pulling him even closer to her - in fact, Sam was fairly certain there was no way she could physically be as close to him as her body yearned to be at this very moment without actually fusing themselves into one being. He pulled gently at her hair, tipping her head back as his tongue explored her mouth, his passion seeming to match her own. When they broke, Sam felt breathless. Her fingertips grazed over her own lips, still stinging from where his had just been. He pressed his forehead to hers and Sam relished in the feeling of him connecting with her.

“I’m ready to come inside now,” he said lowly, his eyes dark and intense. Sam nodded without another word, turning to lead him into the warmth and dryness of her apartment.

* * *

_To Be Continued...._


	18. We Are Not Alone

**Chapter 17:**

_ We Are Not Alone _

* * *

 

Once they were inside her apartment, the heavy reality of the situation hit her everywhere. She imagined herself walking out into the calm ocean and then being tossed about by a thousand tidal waves and she was all too aware that drowning was inevitable.

Her wet clothes clung to her skin like a scared child who she had no idea how to comfort because she couldn’t even figure herself out. She could hear Josh behind her, the rain dripping off his clothes and onto the wooden floor; a slipping hazard. But he wasn’t saying anything, and she wasn’t sure if he expected her to say something, but she found she had no voice.

_ ‘This is not how this was supposed to feel.’  _ She thought, as she strangely felt - nothing.  _ Nothing.  _ She frantically searched her mind for something to grasp onto. She couldn’t focus. Nothing seemed real; her dreams about this moment felt more real than this moment.

She wanted to turn around - to look at Josh and see that recognition in his eyes. It was all she wanted since he came back into her life. All those bits and pieces that he remembered during the past few months fueled her hope that his memories would return. That Elliot would release his hold on Josh and let Josh be free.

And Josh escaped. He escaped the mines, the asylum, his dark past--- _ himself. _

Tears brimmed her eyes and she thought for a second that maybe she was finally going to express her happiness. But this wasn’t happiness. This wasn’t what it was supposed to feel like. The psychologist in her demanded an explanation.

“Sam?” His voice even  _ sounded _ like Josh now. She couldn’t understand that either. Of course it sounded like Josh, he always sounded like Josh.

She crossed her arms over her chest, the coldness seeping into her skin and on her heart. Her tears blurred her vision and she couldn’t bring herself to turn around and confront Josh. She heard him walk toward her, but she held up her hand and walked further into her apartment. Unknowingly, she walked to the table that held the box full of memories that Josh found. It wasn’t her that returned his memories. It was the pictures.  _ Things  _ from long ago that were nothing but replicas of faces of his past had more power over him than she did.

_ Who  _ was she? Who were they?

_ She had no idea  _ and it angered her. She didn’t know who any of her friends were anymore because she had been so focused on trying to start her life over again after Josh’s funeral that hanging onto anything from her past felt too strenuous. So she let go of the old her. The one that she felt like she was given the perfect life because she had Josh in it.

Samantha realized that by  _ moving on,  _ she had forgotten herself just as much as Josh forgot himself.

“ _ Sam _ …” He tried again, a hitch in his voice. She knew he felt it too; this feeling of two like poles of magnets repelling against each other.

She finally found the courage to turn around and face him, and she was surprised that she couldn’t tell if those were tears on his cheeks or the rainwater dripping from his hair. She opened her mouth to speak, instantly feeling the lump in her throat. She placed her fingers around her throat, trying to convince herself that she wasn’t choking.

“I thought,” she whispered harshly, a tight burning sensation starting from her nose, down her throat, and to her chest, “I thought when you became Josh again - I would become Sammy again…”

His eyes fell from hers and going to a fixed point on the floor, confusion and uncertainty radiating from his very core.

She folded in her lips, sniffing her nose loudly, her forehead scrunching, “I always think back to when I kept you from taking all those pills, a-and how saving you that night  _ killed me.”  _ She sniffed loudly again and tears were now free falling as she stared at him, even though he couldn’t bring himself to look at her, “I-I couldn’t imagine a world without you in it, but th-then you just  _ cut me out  _ and d-didn’t t-talk to me again until the night you t-,” she sucked in a deep breath, feeling like she found a break in the tidal waves and was able to suck in oxygen for a moment until the water crashed over her again, “ _ tortured  _ me and got yourself killed in the mines anyway a-and we had to give you a  _ f-fucking  _ funeral where I h-had to admit my feelings for you to a bunch of people that didn’t matter  _ because I never got to tell  _ **_you._ ** ”

His eyes were narrowed as he stood eerily still. She hated herself for doing this - she never expected that the first thing she’d do when he got his memories back was  _ yell  _ at him. But she also never expected her first emotion to be anger. She wished she could ignore it - ignore it like she ignored everything else in her life for the past ten years. But she couldn’t. It was like getting thrown into the past and she was given the opportunity to express everything to him now that she never could then. And even though she was so mad, all she kept thinking over and over again in her head was,  _ “Make it okay, Josh. Make it okay. Make it okay.” _

Clearly he wasn’t going to say anything yet, and she couldn’t honestly blame him. What could he say? She hadn’t even fully explained to him  _ why _ she was so angry and she certainly had more to say to him. He probably had the same expectations as she did - that his memories coming back would be nothing but unending joy and tight embraces. And somewhere in Sam she  _ knew _ that part would still come, because nothing he’d ever done to her had  _ ever  _ made her change her mind about him, even when he flat out did everything he could to push her away and beg her not to love him. But for now, now that he could give them, Sam wanted answers.

“A-and I’m  _ sorry _ , Josh, but-” she sniffled, wiping her cheeks roughly with the sleeve of her soaked shirt, “-but losing you changed _ everything!”  _ Before she could stop herself, she found herself gripping onto his damp shirt and shaking him gently. _ “ _ You  _ were  _ my everything! My first hero  _ and _ my first villain, a-and my first love. And then you were just gone and I had to spend  _ years _ learning to live without you, but I wasn’t living. I was just existing and I never even got to know  _ why _ !” She couldn’t mask the hurt in her voice; she’d never heard herself sound like this. There was so much pain in her that had just been bottled up, waiting for a moment like this.

Josh’s eyes had finally flitted back up to Sam’s flushed face, and there was no mistaking the tears for rainwater now - he was crying, too.  _ God _ , she hated herself for this even more now. She never wanted to make him cry. But before they could move on to the next part of their lives, the happy part, Sam had to close the book on the past. 

“ _ Why _ did you do that to me? Didn’t you know how much I  _ loved _ you? Didn’t I make it clear every. single. day. with every text that went unreturned and every call that you routed to voicemail? I spent years wondering  _ why _ I lost you, what I might have done wrong...  _ why _ you had to die. And then I-I hated  _ everyone _ for their prank taking away my best friends, my family, my life… but  _ especially _ you.” She found herself calming now, wrapping her arms around herself in a tight, comforting hug because he wasn’t. “And then, I realized,” her voice broke, her words wavering, “that they  _ didn’t _ take you from me, Josh. You left me. I thought I saved you that night, in the bathtub. But that was the night I lost you.”

Josh took in a staggered breath, his mouth falling open to say something,  _ anything _ , but instead he took a step towards her and wrapped his arms around her so tightly that Sam felt the air stolen from her lungs. His hand rested on the back of her head, pulling her as closely to him as possible, as though he were trying to force all of her broken parts back together.

“Sam, I am so sorry,” he cried, and Sam effortlessly embraced him as well. She knew he was the one who’d caused all this pain, even after years of sympathizing for him and building him up in her mind. And because of this, Josh was the only one who was going to be able to make it better. “You have no idea how sorry I am.”

Sam pulled herself away from him, although it was nearly impossible to do so. She knew he was sorry. She’d always known he was sorry. But she still wanted to know, “ _ why? _ ”

Josh shook his head slightly, but slowly took her hand, leading her towards the couch. Sam didn’t even care that they were still soaked as they sat down on it, her hands still engulfed within his. Once again he opened his mouth the speak, his eyes falling back towards the floor and his eyebrows pulled together in intense concentration, trying to form a coherent answer.

“I just… I remember being...  _ so mad _ at you, and I hardly know why. I was mad a-at everyone.”

“Why were you mad at me?” Sam choked.

“Because…” he paused, and then his eyebrows unlocked and arose in an epiphany. “ _ Because  _ you saved me.”

“I-I don’t understand,” Sam shook her head, leaning away from him a bit as she tried to digest the answer she’d been waiting a decade for. Josh sighed, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees.

“Do you know what it’s like to watch yourself go insane? To be fully aware it’s happening, but not be able to do anything about it? Even with my meds, my anger and my grief was just completely consuming me and… I started having these- these  _ thoughts _ . I wanted to hurt people. I wanted to hurt people I cared about, people I knew only made a horrible mistake. They never meant for my sisters to die but… I wanted them to be in as much pain as I was-” he explained, and Sam’s lump in her throat grew double in size as she tried to keep herself together. Even still, silent tears streamed down her cheeks. “I… I tried to kill myself because I was trying to stop myself. But… you showed up. The hero. You saved me, and I knew I had to let you go before I did something awful to you. I  _ never  _ wanted to hurt you, Sam.”

“You tortured me because I  _ saved _ you?” she managed to ask, but it was so quiet she almost didn’t hear herself. He shifted in his seat, pulling her closer to him and staring at her with big, intense eyes. He spoke very slowly, like he wanted her to hear every single word he had to say to her.

“I-I  _ know _ that doesn’t make any sense now but at the time, it did. At least to me, anyway.” He suddenly let out an abrupt laugh, and Sam jumped from the suddenness and inappropriateness of it.

“ _ What _ ?”

“Even though I was mad at you for no good reason, I loved you so fucking much. It was like… it was like the voices in my head were battling it out. Even though I put you through hell that night, which again I am so  _ so _ sorry about… I still set you up for success. I  _ wanted  _ you to escape me. And you clearly wanted to be a hero. You saved  _ me _ , after all. You were so brave and beautiful and you almost did everything right… you were going to be the star of the night. And… the hero that you always wanted to be. Because I knew you hated yourself for not being able to stop what happened to my sisters as I did…”

It was crazy. It was horrible. It was inexcusable.

But it oddly and relievingly made sense. 

There wasn’t just one reason, and it wasn’t even Josh’s reason.

Josh reached over and cupped her face in his hands, as though Sam would even be able to look at anything other than him at this point. She still couldn’t believe that it was his face staring back at her - how was it possible that his face seemed to have changed ever so slightly since he remembered? It was just barely a little more  _ Josh _ .

“I did something awful that destroyed both of our lives for way too long, Sammy. I  _ swear _ I will make things right again. I promise you right now that I will spend the rest of my life making that up to you.” Sam wanted to speak but he leaned forward and roughly pressed his lips to hers, silencing her, and Sam didn’t fight it. She didn’t even want to. Her hands instinctively gripped onto his arms, pulling him closer to her, because all of a sudden she felt ten years of anger and sadness and frustration begin to melt away.

“Say that again,” Sam breathed huskily when his lips left her mouth to pepper kisses on her cheek, her jawline, her neck.

“I’m sorry,” Josh mumbled into her skin, and Sam closed her eyes and felt a smile far larger than she even thought she was capable of forming as she stifled a laugh.

“No… the  _ other _ one,” she demanded. Josh pried himself from her, his face confused for just a moment before his features softened and he knew exactly what she needed to hear.

“I  _ love  _ you, Sam.” She giggled slightly, her stomach in knots as she brought his lips back to hers, and murmured, “I love you,” back to him and she felt him relax under her touch, like he’d been waiting his whole life to hear that.

Before it went any farther, Sam felt a shiver roll through her, and she was suddenly very aware of just how cold and wet they both were. She nodded towards her bedroom, wrapping her arms around herself again, this time to subdue another shudder.

“C’mon. Let’s get into something dry,” she offered.

“Well… it’s just our clothes that are wet… we should probably take them off,” he teased dryly, giving her a little nudge with his elbow as they walked side by side to her room. Sam felt a smile creeping up on her before she excused herself into the bathroom first.

Once in the quiet privacy where she could take a moment to collect her thoughts, Sam leaned over the sink, catching her reflection in the mirror. She brought her hands up to cup her pinkened cheeks and swollen eyes, suddenly flushed with nerves. She slowly reached up to unfasten her damp hair, feeling liberated as it cascaded down onto her shoulders. 

This was happening… was this happening? She’d waited so long for this moment, and now it was here and she had no idea how she’d gotten to this point. She couldn’t believe that only weeks ago, she was engaged to another man. Now, here she was, stripped down to her most vulnerable, bare version of herself with the man she’d loved since… well, since forever, really. Years upon years of mourning and going through life as a ghost, finally coming to an end in one night.

And all that was separating them now was a thin, wooden door.

She took in a jagged, uneven breath and collected herself before she opened the door and stepped out, stripped down to only her bra and panties; Josh was still in his wet clothes, standing in her bedroom where he had been before and looking quite out of place - and yet, just right. Sam had the fear of a 17 year old girl all over again, as though everyone and everything since then had never happened. Things suddenly felt very real, as they both realized that this was it.

The way he looked at her dried up any doubt that she had - no one had ever looked at her like that - with such awe and revere. It confirmed everything she’d ever felt or loved about him in that one look. She neared him slowly, deliberately, almost forgetting that this moment was real, that she could reach out and touch him.  _ He was real. _

She reached up, gently tugging at the zipper of his jacket, trying her best not to let him break eye contact with her - he didn’t. She slipped her hands under the cotton of his damp jacket, running them up his chest and over his shoulders, pushing his hoodie from him as though she were trying to strip him of a layer of himself. He leaned down, his forehead pressing against hers as she nervously fumbled with the buttons of his shirt. She almost jumped when she felt his chilly hands softly move up and down the length of her sides, holding back an involuntary shudder - the good kind this time.

She perked up onto her tiptoes, dotting his lips with small, uneven kisses before he pressed forward, his hands suddenly up in her hair, taking over and holding her in place as the kiss became more intense. Suddenly, Sam didn’t feel like she was the one in control anymore - and she didn’t even care.

Josh’s hand grazed her belly, pushing her back ever slightly onto the bed where she sat, staring up at him with expectant, nervous green eyes. She reached for his belt buckle brazenly, unfastening it and helping him out of of his jeans - another layer shed. She leaned back onto her elbows with a smile, letting him scale the length of her body before she felt herself crushed under his pressure. She basked in the feeling of his trailed kisses on her lips, her jaw, her collarbone. Everywhere he touched came alive, sending shivers all over her and she never realized what it felt like to feel this blissful. To feel this _ loved _ .

His mouth searched for hers once more and Sam found herself moaning softly into his lips. He paused for a moment, and Sam could feel a small smile form on him, as though he were happy with himself for eliciting some form of reaction from her. And then, Josh stopped, his body moving from hers and Sam felt the stinging air of the bedroom hit her wherever he was no longer connected to her. She sat up, suddenly feeling apprehensive, worried.

“What? What’s wrong, Josh?” she asked, her hair falling in front of her face. He chuckled a bit, pushing it from his view of her. She loved saying his name as much as he seemed to love hearing it.

“I just… I guess I just realized we haven’t  _ really _ done this since we were teenagers,” he said, rolling to his side and propping his head up with his elbow. His other hand reached forward, his thumb grazing her swollen, pink lips. “And then I realized that I can remember being a teenager. And it’s  _ so _ weird.” Sam felt a burst of relieved laughter escape her. “Hey, D-do you… do you remember when I had that huge party while my parents were out of town, and I had forgotten that they were due home the next day instead of the day after. They called me from the airport and we all had an emergency cleaning session before they rolled up?” he recalled, his voice now lighter than she’d ever heard it. Reflective. Sam could have finished the story for him, but it was too wonderful to hear it coming from him. “And I would have totally gotten away with it had someone not puked in my mom’s favorite vase?” he laughed.

Sam remembered it all too well. Bob and Melinda were furious and it took months for them to even leave Josh unattended to go out to dinner alone.

Sam smiled weakly, feeling the sting of those incessant and pesky tears hit her eyes and her nose tickle as she was overcome with emotion listening to him recall that memory… to listen to him recall  _ anything _ . For the first time since she’d seen him in the street and hoped that it was him, even since finding out that it truly was him, Sam was  _ really _ hit with the realization that Josh was here, because now he remembered her. And he was alive.

And he was hers.

She leaned in again, unable to keep their bodies separated for any longer - hadn’t all these years been enough wasted time? She didn’t want any more wasted time. She wanted him and  _ only _ him. She wanted babies and weekend barbeques at Chris and Ashley’s and Christmas trees. She wanted it  _ all, _ everything she’d ever been unsure of with any other man who’d come in or out of her life. Never had she known love or desire like this - Sam refused to let this go. Ever.

“I love you,” she whispered again, into his lips, her words filling his mouth and lungs. She loved being able to tell him that whenever she wanted, however many times she wanted. That she could keep on telling him that for the rest of their lives.

Her eyes slowly opened to find his, to tell him with her eyes and mouth and whole body that what she was saying was true. He responded with another kiss, pulling her closer to him. Everywhere his body made contact with hers felt like it was on fire now, and Sam was almost delirious with the sensation.

“I have always loved you,” Josh said into the crook of her neck. He raised his head, his hand reaching up to rest on her neck. “Ever since I was a kid. I loved you even when I didn’t remember that I loved you. And when I didn’t remember that I loved you, I fell in love with you again, as a different person,” he told her, his eyes drinking in every feature of her smiling face. “I think in any lifetime, in  _ any _ scenario, I will and  _ have _ always loved you, Samantha.” Sam melted - she had no idea he was capable of so simply explaining exactly how she felt about him her whole life - And even better, that he felt the same way as her. After all these years of wondering, she knew.

Sam rolled him back on top of her, ready for this to happen now - more so than she ever felt possible. As much as she’d imagined it would be this amazing, romantic moment with candles and soft music playing in the background, she loved this more. Raw. Real. Just the two of them, no theatrics. They didn’t need those things to make it feel special; it was already special as it was.

Sam helped Josh remove her bra, but she found herself surprised to find that those parts of her weren’t his main focus. It was the little parts, the way his fingertips grazed her collarbone, her elbows and knees, the small of her back. It was like he was a topographer, mapping out the lay of her body.

“Umm… Have you done this a lot?” Sam found herself asking, despite herself. Josh’s smile reached his eyes, more than likely sussing out a bit of jealousy in her curiosity. He shook his head. Sam raised an eyebrow. “I’m kinda finding that hard to believe, Washington,” she droned, trying not to focus too intensely on the way it felt as he tugged at the hem of her panties a bit.

“I wouldn’t say  _ a lot _ ,” he chuckled lowly, shaking his head. “And certainly  _ never _ like this,” he added very seriously, and Sam found herself wordlessly nodding her approval before he reached into her underwear, his fingertips ghosting over her skin. She writhed a bit under his touch, and he let out another breathy laugh. “Easy now. I haven’t even done anything yet.” Sam was torn between wanting to smack him and wanting to kiss him, but she found herself rendered incapable of making any such decisions as his hand continued to expertly roam her body.

“Shut up, Josh,” she mumbled, her eyelids feeling heavy.

“I love the way you say my name,” he hummed through a smile, and Sam felt her own smile pulling at her lips as well.

“Josh,” she said again in an overdramatic but playful whisper, bringing his face back to hers and slowly moving their lips in unison. She was pleased with herself, especially when Josh emitted a low groan from the back of his throat, one that made her feel like she was doing things right. 

His fingers bent against her, and her back arched involuntarily from the sudden pressure. But his mouth never left hers, his voice vibrating against her lips, “You’re as perfect as ever, Sammy…”

Her eyes opened and she was not at all surprised to find him already staring down at her, his gorgeous eyes so full of  _ life  _ that it nearly brought her to tears. 

He began moving his fingers slowly and her mouth dropped open in a silent moan and he pressed his forehead to hers. “Everything makes sense now that I found you again.”

“Josh,” she said his name again, a thick sob forming in her throat from everything he was making her feel by his words alone. She let out a low breath when he removed his fingers, sliding his hand up her stomach, over her breast, then to her shoulder where he sat her up with him.

Once again, his eyes searched hers, “No one’s ever looked at me the way you do…from the moment we met again for the first time - it was like…” She smiled, her hands sliding down his chest, her eyes not being able to help themselves as they traveled over his body, her lips kissing any tiny scar she found, “Like we picked up right where we left off?” she finished for him.

“Well... _ you  _ did anyway,” he chuckled, and she loved the way his chest vibrated under her lips, “It took me some time to catch up.”

Sam stopped and looked up at him, her eyebrows curved in concern, “Josh, I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you before--”

He shook his head, cupping her face and kissing her again, “I think these last few months with you had me remembering things slowly, I just didn’t realize it. Nothing made sense and then suddenly - everything did.”

She nodded, biting down on her lip now to keep from crying again. Her chest felt heavy with all the things she wanted to tell him, but tried to hold it all in with the thought that they now had all the time in the world.

His eyes told her,  _ ‘No more tears, we’ve had enough of those,’  _ before easing her back down to the bed. He shifted to take his boxers off and, just like the dream she had the night she saw him on the street for the first time, he crawled up the length of her body, and she welcomed him eagerly as he entwined their fingers, kissed her gently, and slid easily into her.

Her fingers clenched onto his tightly, their breaths mingled, their eyes locked. 

_ Home… _

“I love you,” she told him yet again, and she swore she would tell him every single day for the rest of their lives. She felt she had to make up for all the days of their youth when she never spoke the words aloud to him, and for all the days she wanted to scream it when she lost him.

Their bodies moved together and it was like he was piecing her back together - and from his look, she knew she was doing the same for him, “Sammy, I’m so-,” he started breathlessly. His lips pursed together and it was apparent he was trying to keep it together, “ _ so  _ in love with you.”

They turned themselves over so he was sitting up and she was straddling him, her hips moving over his. His hands trailed down her back and to her hips, his mouth closing over her right breast. She moaned at the sensation, her hands running back through his hair.

Then he was looking up at her, and the electricity shooting between their eyes made its way to the rest of her body. She moved her body back and forth, their hips staying connected, and she felt him fully inside of her, and she finally knew what she was fighting for, for all these years.

They both moaned, and his fingers dug into the skin on her hips and thighs as he rocked with her. Sam felt breathless; he continued to hit a spot that he never once had trouble finding, even during their first time together. Her soul was finally connected to his again, and with that thought, she whimpered his name over and over and over, making sure he’d never forget it again, then she was tightening and fluttering around him. His breathing hitched before he grasped onto her, almost as if his life depended on it.

She trailed kisses all over his face as they calmed down, the taste of his skin just as addicting to her as ever. He closed his eyes and relished in the attention, and she knew he hadn’t felt this way since they were 18.

“You’re back…” she said lowly, almost to try to convince herself that all of this was real.

His eyes remained closed, but he smiled, his face resting on her chest, his warm lips moving against her skin, “Yeah...but…”

Sam’s heart skipped a bit at his ominous  _ but  _ because she didn’t need anything else holding them back from each other, “...What?”

He looked up at her, a sparkle in his eye, “Does this mean I’m gonna have to find another psychiatrist?”

She stared at him in disbelief for a long moment before cracking a smile, “Well, I dunno - my office door  _ does  _ have a lock…”

Josh grinned up at her, his fingers tickling her sides, “Sammy _ yy?  _ Did you just attempt to make a dirty joke?”

“What do you mean  _ attempt?”  _ She acted insulted while trying to wiggle away from his fingers, though they were still connected at the hips.

“And after continuously telling me these past few months that  _ I  _ was acting unprofessionally. Dr. Jensen, I believe  _ you  _ were the one having all the fantasies about  _ me.”  _ She didn’t deny it, just flashed him a small grin before kissing him deeply, raising her hips enough to separate them, both groaning from how odd it felt to be two people again. “I promise I’ll last longer next time,” he assured as though she cared, which made Sam giggle.

She’d hardly expected it to last long, given how badly and how long they’d both craved it. 

“Well, that’s only round one, right?” Josh let out a brief chuckle and a nod. Despite the heat between them, Sam was still quite cold, never having fully recovered from being soaked in the rain a while ago. All she could think about now was a hot shower.

“Shower time?” She recommended, knowing he would instantly agree.

“I think… I think I can remember the  _ last  _ time we took a shower together,” he said, standing from the bed with her and letting her lead him into the bathroom. When she saw the desire darken his eyes from the memory, her stomach did a flip  when she knew  _ exactly _ what he was remembering. She turned on the shower, the water instantly warming for them both to step inside. He held onto her, kissing her shoulders lightly. She rubbed her cheek against his, her fingers pressing against his back to keep him close to her.

“It was Christmas,” she said in a daze, continuing his memory. She glanced up at him with a wry smile, “You surprised me when you came home.”

“I was always  _ so _ full of surprises, wasn’t I?” Josh asked with a chuckle.

Sam smiled softly, “I would say you still are - you just showed back up into my life when, for the past ten years, I thought you were…” she trailed off, not even wanting to say it aloud anymore.

Josh stared down at her, and she could see the understanding in his eyes, “We still have a lot to talk about, huh?”

“Uh,  _ yeah _ , _ ”  _ she said, both laughing before finishing up in the shower. After they dried off, neither even bothered to dress before they slipped back into the comfort and warmth of her bed. She didn’t have a problem with this, her hand sliding over his chest and stomach as she rested her head on him. Her eyes fluttered shut when he wrapped his arm around her and pulled her tightly against him. She had been tired for so many years, she forgot what having a content soul felt like.

“Josh?”

“Yes, Sam?”

Her heart flew when he answered at the sound of his name. She never knew something so small could mean the world to her.

“Ask anything, Sammy…” he told her softly, pressing his lips to the top of her head and inhaling slowly. She sucked in a deep breath, her fingertips pressing against his chest.

“Why did you change so drastically when you went away to college?” She almost hated asking this question because it brought up a really dark time in their relationship, but the unknown had been eating her up for way too long. Josh was here now, he could make everything okay. She felt his breathing slow, causing her to look up at him. His eyes were remorseful, but the small smile that played on his lips told her that, although these may be hard memories, he was glad he was having them.

“Sammy...I can’t even begin to tell you what all was going through my mind back then - I hardly understood myself. You know I was never... _ right.  _ I always needed my meds and - and I hated how much my life depended on them. And then…” he paused, and it was like he was trying to throw himself back in time, to his teenage self, and his stupid teenage decisions, “Then I realized...being at college and away from you...that I needed  _ you _ just as much, and I convinced myself that that was stupid and I could prove to myself that I could be separate from you and still be okay. And then it ended up becoming my downfall. By wanting to prove to you that I could be independent, I stopped answering your calls, stopped calling you back, ignored you...but I thought - when we were together again, everything would be fine. But when I saw you during Thanksgiving break, it wasn’t. Don’t ask me to explain why I thought this,” he chuckled, “I wish I could…”

Sam shook her head, “No, I....I think I get it. When you left for college, I realized I couldn’t separate myself from you either. I don’t think I ever got the hang of it.”

He tried to flash her a lighthearted smile, but she saw the pain he felt through her, “You never forgot about me after all these years?”

Her lips parted, her nose stinging at the harsh darkness of the last decade, “Josh - you were _ my person.  _ Not once did I ever forget.”

Without warning, he pulled her to him and buried his face in her hair. He was completely still and she knew he was holding his breath, trying with all his might not to cry again.

“I forgot  _ you…”  _ was all he said, and it made her think that she may have been a bit insensitive with her words.

She held onto him, her fingers playing absently in his hair, “Not by choice, Josh; you can’t blame yourself for that.”

He laughed stiffly, but she could hear the choked sob beneath it, “You forgive  _ way _ too easily.” Sam didn’t respond to that - perhaps she did. But she would have prefered to be a forgiver than the alternative.

She traced circles along his chest absently, still trying to wrap her head around the fact that he was here and this was all happening. She’d been so resigned to the fact that this would never happen, that she’d never get to find happiness like this. She looked up at him through her eyelashes, wondering aloud, “do you have any questions for  _ me _ ?” He let out a short chuckle and took in a breath.

“Um… of course. So… you said that you guys had a  _ funeral _ ?” he asked. Sam took in a sharp breath through her nose and closed her eyes. It didn’t matter how long ago it was. It didn’t matter that it was all a lie. It didn’t even matter that she was wrapped up with him at this very moment… it still made her heart ache when she thought about the way that day made her feel - helpless and alone and utterly destroyed. “Sam?”

“Yeah… I-” she felt his chest rise and fall, an even deeper breath, “we did.”

“Musta been  _ some _ party,” he sighed. It was such a surreal thing to discuss with someone - their own funeral. “How did it go?” Sam excitedly popped her head up to look at him, her smile stretching as she remembered one thing she was happy to tell him.

“I did what you asked!” she announced excitedly. Josh just stared back at her in confusion, but Sam continued before he could ask, “I played Highway to Hell.” Josh’s face cracked, a reminiscent smile stretching on his own face before his head fell back and he laughed a few hearty, ‘ha’s!’

“Are you  _ serious _ ?” Sam nodded enthusiastically.  Josh dropped his head back, his hand on his forehead, “Ah, man. My parents musta been thrilled.” He paused at his own mention of his parents, but didn’t say anything more about them. Sam knew he was trying to stay light. “You know, I knew I made the right choice in assigning you that responsibility. Chris never would ha-” Josh suddenly stopped speaking, his eyes widening. “Chris,” he said in almost a whisper, sitting up slightly. “Oh my God, I forgot about Chris!”

Sam sat up on her knees beside him, her hair loosely falling in her face. She brushed it back a bit.

“He couldn’t believe it when I told him you were alive,” she confessed quickly, shaking her head.

“That’s why I took you over there… so he could see for himself. I also kinda hoped that it would jog your memory.” Josh rolled to his side, propping his head up with his elbow, his eyebrows pulled together in contemplation. 

“So… I guess that means...  _ technically _ … my plan for getting Ash and Chris together… kinda worked…?” Sam smiled and shook her head at his logic, narrowing her eyes at him.

“Um,  _ noooo _ , Josh. I think they would have figured it out eventually. I don’t think putting them in horrifying, near-death situations was the only reason why they are together now.”

“Ohhh, you’re no fun,” he mumbled, his thumb pressed into his lip as he thought. “You think we can see him soon?”

“Of course. We can go tomorrow if you want,” Sam offered, her heart rate speeding up at the thought of reuniting the best friends for good this time. Josh looked up towards the ceiling.

“Hmmm… tomorrow, tomorrow… I think I have plans…” Sam shoved him lightly in the shoulder.

“Oh quit it, you…” Sam dismissed him with a hand wave and roll of her eyes.

“Just Joshin’ ya,” he assured, and Sam felt herself flooded instantly by so many memories, so many instances where he’d used that line. And it never got old. He leaned in closely to her, “But really… how do you feel like pulling an ol’ Josh-Wash Prank? Because I was thinkin’-”

“Don’t you ever learn?” Sam mock scolded, pushing his face back from hers. Josh breathed heavily, laying back on his back closing his eyes. Sam couldn’t tell if he was tired or just as at peace as she felt. She knew for a fact that she wasn’t going to be able to sleep anytime soon, not with so much left to say. She laid back down, practically on top of him, just to feel him closer to her. She felt a smile form on her lips as she recalled another memory.

“How did you break up with Amber?” she snickered, suddenly feeling very giddy as she remembered their first kiss and the goth chick he dumped just for her - the first time she ever knew her feelings for Josh were reciprocated.

“ _ Who _ ?” he squeaked, popping one eye open to glance down at her.

“The vampire.” Josh instantly began to laugh at her, his arm wrapping tighter around her as he squeezed her shoulder, lovingly.

“You and that damn vampire, I swear...” he sighed. “My adorable, jealous little Sammy…”

“I wonder what happened to her...” Sam mused, assuming she either grew out of the phase or ended up in prison for drinking her lover’s blood or something. Or at least contracting HIV from the same behaviour.

“Who cares?” Josh groaned, leaning his head down to give Sam a kiss on the forehead.

“I don’t even know what you were doing with her anyways,” Sam pouted a bit, definitely feeling 16 again.

“I dunno…” Josh pondered. “Maybe to make you jealous? Maybe because I was a kid and she embodied all the scary, gothic, gore-porn that I was kinda entranced with at the time. But only because I didn’t think I’d ever get you, Sam. And it just took one conversation where Hannah hinted at the notion that it was even a possibility before I kicked her to the curb,” he confessed, and Sam felt herself grow warm with even more love for him, knowing that he had always felt about her the same way she felt about him.

“Did she get violent with you when you ended it?” Sam ventured. Josh sat quietly a moment before he recalled the memory as well, snorting out an abrupt laugh that made Sam’s smile even wider.

“Actually  _ yeah _ . But it wasn’t because I dumped her. It was because I wasn’t gonna be dressing up with her for Halloween. She was soooo pissed…” Sam knew instantly what he was talking about. She remembered feeling absolutely gutted when Hannah told her that Amber had coerced Josh into a couples costume. Josh loved Halloween and he was always ridiculously and intricately prepared every year with a stunning, movie-set-quality costume. She tried not to think about how that trait probably made the night of the prank (that they would speak no more of) that much more convincing. “Anyways, it wasn’t any more violent than making out with the psycho…”

Sam smirked. She remembered Halloween 2012 almost more than any other Halloween (even though Josh always made sure everyone had a great time at each of his Halloween parties). This one stood out for her though, even at the time, because not only did Josh just break up with Amber, but he had just kissed her on his roof as well. It was a moment that meant the world to her, even if she still didn’t exactly know where her and Josh’s relationship was going. But she didn’t even care, because he was single again and she didn’t have to share him with anyone.

They didn’t get to talk about a Halloween theme before the party, however. So it was a normal costume party, complete with classic Josh jumpscares and oddly labeled food ( _ Josh O Lantern  _ cupcakes, cookies, punch). Sam had decided on dressing up as Sally from  _ The Nightmare Before Christmas  _ a few weeks ago; she was always a favorite of Sam’s and she had no idea why she never went as her before.

She only told Hannah, mostly because Hannah was trying to figure out ideas of who to go as, finally deciding on Jasmine.

And when it came time for the party, Sam looked everywhere for Josh. She wanted to show off how good her makeup for Sally turned out, but even his sisters hadn’t  seen him. She had her hands busy with Hannah, however, because she was freaking out over the fact that Mike came as Aladdin, which pissed Emily off who came as sexy Snow White (Mike didn’t want to come as her nameless Prince Charming and Emily didn’t want to wear a long wig all night).

Finally, as Sam was talking to Beth (who came as She-Ra, Beth looked great in her long blonde wig), a person stopped beside her. Sam looked up, surprised to find that the person was dressed as none other than Jack Skellington; the black and white striped outfit covered him from head to toe, and it was completed with a pumpkin head.

Sam couldn’t see the face, but she smirked, knowing exactly who it was. She pushed a long red strand of her wig behind her ear shyly, “Well if it isn’t the Pumpkin King.”

The pumpkin head leaned in close to her, his voice masked just like Jack’s, “Fancy meeting you here, Sally.”

She grinned and, having wanted to see Josh all night, she raised her hands to take off the pumpkin head, her eyes searching through the dark eye holes to silently ask permission to do so. He nodded, and Sam shimmied the pumpkin off his head, laughing when Josh had his face painted exactly like Jack’s skeleton face.

“This is the first time I’ve let anyone unveil me,” he told her, his large smile stretching the makeup around his mouth to really make him look like Jack.

“I didn’t know you were coming as Jack!” She said, holding the pumpkin close to her now, “Wait...how did you know I was coming as Sally?”

He shook his head, a knowing glint in his eyes, “I didn’t.”

“ _ Okay _ , Josh,” she said sarcastically, wanting to continue prying him but this was such an amazing surprise. Last she heard, he was supposed to come as someone from  _ Twilight  _ with Amber, but of course, that was before he ended things with her.

“Uh-uh, I’m  _ Jack,”  _ he corrected. He tilted the pumpkin head Sam was holding so she was looking inside, and there, carved in the center, was  _ J+S.  _ She blushed through all her green, doll-like makeup. He leaned in close to her, his voice deep in her ear when he said, “We’re simply meant to be...”

“You’re so corny sometimes,” she said lowly, their mouths close enough together that their lips were able to brush, her stomach flipping and tightening at feeling him against her again.

Sam later on thanked Hannah for telling Josh that she was going to be Sally.

Even now, laying in Josh’s arms as she began to finally feel the heaviness of sleep in her eyes, listening to his deepening breaths that told her he was feeling the same way too, Sam knew she had so much to thank Hannah for.

“I miss them,” Josh mumbled sleepily, and Sam wondered if he could read her thoughts.

“Me too,” she whispered.

“You okay?” He croaked a whisper, probably noticing the crack in her voice. She nodded silently, but gave a small shrug.

“I just feel like I’ve spent so long…. Alone. Just so utterly alone,” she admitted. With him there, she finally didn’t feel that way anymore. She looked up at him with glossy eyes. Josh bit his bottom lip and nodded in acknowledgement, his cold hand trailing along her shoulder and leaving goosebumps in its wake.

“I know,” he said quietly, reaching down and tipping her chin up to brush a fleeting kiss across her lips. He brushed the golden hair from her face and rested his hand on her cheek as he said, “Me too, but… we are not alone, Sammy. At least not anymore.”

* * *

_To Be Continued..._


	19. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter! YEEEE!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: You guys waited so long for this… soooo sorry. After Josh got his memories back and resolved everything with Sam, it was really hard to write a conclusion. I hope this makes up for the last 6 months of waiting.
> 
> PS! Enula and I were selected by Emerald City Comicon to do a panel on fanfiction! It's called Fanfiction: A Viable Artform, and it is focusing on the art of fanfiction and how it is one of the most underrated mediums in geek culture. Not only that, it was selected to be livestreamed! Please tune in to the Emerald City Comicon livestream on March 4th, 5:30pm to 6:30pm PST to show your support!
> 
> ALSO, we have formatted Twist of Fate into a book format and we are ordering hard copies of it. As a thank you for being so amazing, if you'd like one, PM us! We can send you a copy. :) This has been an amazing ride and we cannot thank you guys enough for your love and support - it's been a full year since we started Twist of Fate, and we could not have done it without you guys. We love you!

  **Epilogue**

* * *

"Are you _sure_ you wanna do this?" Sam asked Josh gently.

They both stared out the window at the sprawling, unkempt house in front of them. They'd been sitting in Sam's car - in _silence_ \- for at least the last fifteen minutes. Josh didn't respond to Sam's question, only kept his eyes locked in on the house.

Sam swallowed, reaching her hand out to lightly rest it on his shoulder, "Josh?" He jolted a bit at her touch, as though he weren't expecting it, but quickly shook his head to clear the trance he'd been in.

"You don't have to, you know… if you're not ready…"

Josh sighed, leaning back and resting his head against the seat. He glanced at her sideways, quietly droning, "well, I don't know if I'll ever be _ready_. She just left me there to rot… I'm not sure how I am supposed to feel about any of this." Sam turned in her seat to face him, her heart sinking at his conflicting feelings.

"You don't have to feel anything," she assured him. "You can just let it all come to you in time. I can't even _imagine_ how you must feel right now-" Her words tapered off as she gingerly placed her hand on his thigh. His eyes trailed down and he took her hand, a small smile breaking across his lips.

"I'm fine. I've got _you_ here, right?"

"Of course," she breathed. Sam smiled too, despite herself. She couldn't seem to shake her fear that this was all too much for him, too soon. He'd only _just_ remembered who he was two days ago. She knew when they'd spent the whole previous day, laying around in bed, watching home videos and eating _way_ too much food and drinking _way_ too much wine that eventually he was going to want to know what happened to his parents.

"So, they just… _left_ me?" he'd asked her, and she could only silently nod back. It actually pained Sam, watching him digest it all. Reality was settling between them - it wasn't all going to be so easy, now that he remembered. He had a lot of healing to do - they _both_ did. It had been naive to think that Josh getting his memories back would solve everything - she knew that the night he remembered and her first emotional instinct was surprisingly anger.

"Do… do you know where they are _now?_ " he'd even ventured, "I mean, can I see them?"

Sam took in a sharp breath, unprepared to answer such a complex question. Her heart ached as she stared at his waiting but hopeful face knowing she had to tell him: he was _never_ going to get the answers he wanted. He would never get to confront his dad, spill everything that had been building up inside of him, and then (and only then) be able to offer his forgiveness. He wasn't going to get to properly grieve, and she worried about this more than she had expected to.

"Sam… you've been quiet for a long time." He turned towards her, propping his head up by his elbow in the bed, mirroring her. He set a slender hand on her hip comfortingly, and Sam could only smile back at him, woefully.

"Josh… your dad passed away a few years ago." Sam watched as he took in a long, slow breath, filling his lungs. He set his jaw, and then after a moment, with an exhale he nodded. He _had_ to know that might have been a possibility.

"How did he-"

"Cirrhosis," she remembered his mother saying. Although, she knew better than to trust _anything_ coming from Melinda Washington anymore. She added, delicately, "w-we can look up his public records, maybe I can call in a favor or two to the hospital and see if-"

"No. It's okay," Josh sighed, and the soft resign in his eyes said he meant that. He swallowed hard, his finger tapping her hip over the blankets, nervously. He had more he wanted to know, but she could tell he was scared to even ask.

Sam spared him, choking out a quick, "your mom lives in Calabasas…" She paused, letting him absorb what she'd just said before continuing softly, "i-if you want to see her, it's not that far from here." His eyes slowly crept to hers, and he fleetingly nibbled on his lip while he took it in, but only for a second.

"Have you… have _you_ seen her?"

Sam almost didn't want to tell him, but of course she had to. She wouldn't be able to keep anything from him, even if she tried. She sighed, fidgeting with the hem of the sheets they were wrapped up in.

"I um… I actually only found her a few weeks ago." His eyes grew, his curiosity piqued. He said nothing, so she knew he wanted her to go on. "She's… she's not well, Josh. I'm not sure why; she has a live in nurse. And she's all alone-"

"-Oh, you mean like _I've_ been for the last 10 years?" he interrupted, snidely. Sam knew it wasn't meant for her, but she still _hated_ making him upset. And at this point, although he seemed well, Josh had always been unpredictable with his emotions - even when medicated. She took in another wavering breath, gave a quick shrug of her shoulder.

"I went to see her when I wasn't sure if you were Josh and I wanted answers," Sam choked out.  
"She… basically admitted everything. Signing you into that facility under another name, never visiting. But she said you didn't remember them and - and that when the hospital released you, they had no idea where to _find_ you-"

"Those are some really piss-poor excuses, you know that?" he spat, and Sam shrunk a bit under his glare. His face softened and he quickly pulled her in towards his chest, "I'm sorry, Sammy. I don't mean that to you at all, okay? I'm just… I'm so angry at them."

Sam pulled away from him, resting her hand on his cheek and making his eyes meet hers, "Josh, you have every right to be mad at them. You don't have to feel any way about anything."

Josh gave Sam another somber smile and squeezed her hand gently, bringing it up to his lips to leave a fleeting kiss across her knuckles. He took in a quick breath and unbuckled his seatbelt.

"Do you want me to go with you?" Sam offered. Before they'd left her apartment he'd told her he wasn't sure he wanted her to go in with him, but she wondered if actually being here and the reality of what he was about to do setting in would change his mind.

Josh shook his head, "no, it's okay. I think I want to do this alone." Sam didn't pressure him any further, although a part of her wished she could be there to make sure things went smoothly - but there were some things Sam knew she had to accept were out of her control. Josh was an adult and he could handle this. He knew she would be right there waiting for him with open arms when he came back.

Josh gave her one last longing glance before leaning in and pressing a kiss against her temple. He got out of the car, and Sam felt tears sting her eyes as he got out of the car, wrapped his jacket tightly around him, and headed up the same path she'd taken only weeks ago - the night she found out everything she'd suspected was true. The love of her life was _alive_.

Sam took in a wavering, shaky. Her cellphone beeped but she didn't need to look down to know who it was. Chris had been trying to reach her for the last few days and she'd been good at warding him off, but he was starting to figure out something was up.

 **Chris:** [11:35 am] Are you alive? What is goin' on, Jensen!

She hadn't told him Josh remembered for a few reasons. One was that she'd been selfishly keeping Josh to herself over the last two days, taking in as much of him as her heart could handle. The other reason was because it wasn't something she wanted to tell him over the phone. She wanted Josh and Chris to have a real reunion, they deserved that.

Also, she wasn't sure Josh was ready. Initially he was excited, but once the memories of what he'd done to Chris and Ashley - and everyone, for that matter - started to flood his mind, his nerves started to grow as well. He was scared, but it was something he was going to have to face eventually. Sam could only assume his worry might have stemmed from her odd reaction when he remembered - the anger. Josh was more than likely emotionally exhausted from having to hash everything out with her, and now his mom…

Sam had to hand it to him, though. He was handling it all like a champ.

As Sam held her phone in her hand, contemplating if she should even bother writing Chris back right away, she was surprised by Josh returning to the car much quicker than she'd anticipated. He yanked the door open, looking quite shaken, and slipped back into the passenger seat beside her.

"Hey," Sam said with concern, turning to face him again. She reached out towards him, "wh-what happened? Are you okay? Was she not home?"

"I-" he started, his mouth agape as he tried to piece his thoughts together. He shook his head and Sam could maybe see the beginnings of tears in his eyes. He closed his mouth, swallowing hard, before his eyes finally fell to hers. "I-I don't know. I started walking up there and… I just started thinking that… that I didn't want to see her."

Sam tensed, but nodded after a moment. She understood, and she couldn't even blame him. She never even told Melinda that Josh was alive because she was so mad at her for leaving him at that hospital - she couldn't even imagine the conflicting feelings that Josh was having. He turned his head and stared back out at the house again, as though he were trying to reconsider.

"I don't. I don't want to see her. Not yet, anyway…"

While Sam understood, the psychologist in her knew she needed to make sure this was what he really wanted.

"Are… are you sure, Josh?" she asked him, and once again he wordlessly nodded. Although, he didn't look sure. Sam didn't want to push him, but like her or not, Melinda was the only blood relative Josh had left. Sam gave him a small shrug, "I mean, don't you want a chance? A chance to be a fam-"

Josh stopped her sentence short when he grabbed her hand, interlacing his fingers with his and bringing it up to his chest - Sam could feel his heartbeat thumping warmly against the back of her hand.

"You _are_ my family, Sam."

Sam felt a smile curve her lips before she leaned in to kiss Josh's. It was true. They were family.

_Beepbeep._

Sam groaned and reached for her phone, irritated with the interruption. However, when she saw the text, her eyes lit up and squealed, excitedly. Josh's eyes widened at Sam's reaction as he stared at her curiously. Sam turned the phone towards him so he could see the message from Chris.

 **Chris:** [11:42 am] Well, if you are alive, come to Providence St. John's Hospital. Baby boy Bennett is on his way.

* * *

 

"Thank God you guys are here!" Chris rushed to them as soon as they entered the maternity ward, Elizabeth squirming in his arms. He looked like he had been up for 24 hours straight going on nothing but adrenaline.

"We couldn't miss this," Sam assured him, trying her best to ignore all the screams of pain and hatred coming from behind closed doors.

"Hi, Elliot," Lizzy waved with her fingers at Josh. Chris gave his daughter a side eye before setting her down, convinced she wouldn't try running off now.

"And no flirting with Elliot."

Josh and Sam shared a quick glance. Now that Josh remembered who he was, it was almost strange to be referred to as Elliot. He still felt like Elliot though. Although he remembered his life as Josh, he still made a life for himself as Elliot.

"I have to get back to Ash. The doctors said she's almost fully dilated so it shouldn't be too much longer," Chris informed them, shuffling Elizabeth's hair before starting to back away.

"Thanks for the vivid details, bro," Josh commented with exaggerated joy. Chris raised an eyebrow quickly, remembering though, that Elliot still made a lot of Josh-like wisecracks.

"Go!" Sam urged, waving her arms to shoo him, "We'll watch Lizzy."

"Our parents should be here soon," was the last thing Chris said before disappearing around the corner.

Josh and Sam were suddenly alone with the four-year-old.

"So...do you know where the cafeteria is in this place?" Josh asked her, "I could go for some amazing hospital food."

"I know where it is!" The little girl shouted, obviously very proud of herself. She started walking in the direction they came. Josh and Sam followed and just as Sam reached for Josh's hand, Elizabeth somehow had the instinct to know and intercepted. She squeezed between them and slipped her tiny hand into Josh's.

Josh shrugged when Sam looked momentarily shocked, "You snooze, you lose."

They all sat down at a table to eat their less than appealing sandwiches, and Elizabeth spoke up, "How come you never came back to visit?" She made sure to look directly at Josh so they knew exactly who she was talking to.Sam accepted that she was going to be the third wheel and silently ate her sandwich.

"I was going through some stuff that I needed to take care of first," Josh told her unabashedly.

"Like what?" she asked as she nibbled on her peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

"Well...do you want to hear a secret?" Lizzy nodded a bit too enthusiastically, her head looking like it would fly off her neck if Josh didn't tell her quickly.  
Josh leaned closer to her and lowered his voice, "My name isn't really Elliot."

Sam looked up at him, shocked that he chose Lizzy to be the first one he told about this. But the more she thought about it, the more sense it made. She would be the one with the most innocent reaction, making it easier to start.

"What is it?" She asked with wide eyes, "Is it Flynn?"

Josh cocked his head to the side, "What? No. How did you decide that?"

"'Cause my real name is Rapunzel."

Sam hid a smile behind her hand. Lizzy was pretty smooth for a four year old.

"Oh...well, sorry, but no. Name's not Flynn. I'm Josh; nice to meet you, Rapunzel," the words slipped easily from his mouth. Lizzy took a big bite, leaving jelly smeared around her lips, "But I don't know any Disney prince's named Josh."

"What!? Shut up...you know me, don't you?" That miraculously left her speechless. Josh looked across the table at Sam, the two sharing a grin.

"You know she's going to tell Chris and Ashley now, right?" Sam mumbled low enough for Lizzy not to hear.

"I'm counting on it."

It was only twenty minutes later that they got a text from Chris saying that the baby was here.

"Ready to meet your baby brother?" Sam asked Lizzy as they all stood up to head back to the maternity ward.

"All he's gonna do is poop and cry," she remarked, though not necessarily with bitterness. She slipped her hand into Josh's again, "Do you have any brothers, Josh?"

He shook his head and Sam only saw a moment of hesitation before he said, "I have two younger sisters though. Twins."

"Are they annoying?" Sam chuckled; Lizzy had quite the vocabulary for such a little human.

Josh laughed shortly, "They definitely were when we were kids."

"What are their names?"

He sucked in a short breath, "Beth and Hannah."

Before Lizzy could ask more questions, they reached Ashley's room. Sam looked in the small window and tapped gently, letting them know they were there before entering. She saw a small bundle in Ashley's arms and was surprised when she felt her heart flutter.

Ashley looked up and nodded her in. As soon as Sam pushed the door open, Lizzy scrambled past her and yelled at the top of her lungs, "Daddy, Daddy! Guess what!"

"Lizzy!" Chris and Ashley both scolded together.

"You can't scream like that in here, sweetie," Chris explained as the baby made a few disturbed coos.

"But I have to tell you something!"

"Okay, well-"

"Elliot's real name is Josh and he has two sisters name Beth and Hannah!"

And just like that, the secret was out.

The whole room got quiet. Even the nurses that were still in the room cleaning up seemed to clean in silence. Only tiny baby grunts could be heard from Ashley's arms.

Chris' eyes met Sam's first. Maybe she just told Lizzy that in private? But Sam's smile made Chris realize that Josh himself told her.

"Hey, congrats on the new baby, bro! What's his name?" Josh asked casually, walking over to him and patting him on the back as though Chris' world wasn't just blown wide open, "Sorry I didn't bring any cigars."

Chris blinked a few times, adjusting his glasses quickly, "Umm…"

"Sean," Ashley spoke up, smiling down at her new baby, "Sean Oliver Bennett."

"Really? After all those crazy names you were trying to decide on?" Sam asked with a chuckle.

"We did the same thing with Lizzy," Ashley laughed with her, "We get all these crazy ideas, but then finally settle on something normal, but strong."

"It is; sounds like a movie star," Sam agreed.

"You do realize though…" Josh started, placing his arm on Chris' shoulder, "that his initials are S.O.B., right?"

Chris and Ashley looked at each other, silently acknowledging that they didn't think it through as well as they thought.

"Well shit," Chris said his first real words since Josh's surprise, "we already signed the birth certificate."

"Don't worry about it,"Josh assured, waving a cavalier hand in their direction. "It fits him, right?" He went closer to the hospital bed and reached his arms out, "Come to Uncle Josh, you little  _sonafa…"_ he looked Ashley in the eyes before he finished.

"I think I liked you better as Elliot," she deadpanned, but to show she held no ill feelings, she gently handed Sean over to Josh.

Josh held the baby with ease, watching as he clenched his tiny fists. He was instantly overcome with a sort of melancholic gratitude. He imagined what life would have been life if his sisters were still alive and he was holding one of their babies. But then he looked at Chris and grinned, glad that he continued to welcome him back into his life over and over no matter the circumstances.

He felt Sam brush up against him, and watched her watch Sean, "you want to hold him now?" She shook her head, but still smiled as she ran a finger over Sean's knuckles. "Don't tell me you're afraid to hold babies, Sam," he teased seriously, "when we have our own, you're going to have to pull some weight."

Sam couldn't help but blush. Chris and Ashley laughed at the two of them, but then _aww'd_ when Josh kissed her quickly on the cheek (while Elizabeth pouted).

"We have a lot to catch up on," Chris remarked with a lot of emotion in his voice, wrapping his arm around Josh's shoulders as he stared down at his son, "I'm glad you're back, bro."

"Not as glad as I am," Josh countered. He glanced back at Ashley, "sorry to steal your thunder, Ash." she just smiled and nodded, looking quite worn out.

"It's fine just… Please don't call my son S.O.B…"

"I won't, I promise," Josh saluted, but waited until she wasn't paying attention before he added, "when you're around." Chris snorted, almost getting the two of them in trouble. Tears stung Sam's eyes as she watched the two quietly talking amongst themselves, knowing they had a decade to catch up on. It wasn't this huge, emotional moment that she'd pictured… it was just two friends talking as though no time had passed at all - the way it always should have been.

* * *

 

_**January 8th, 2026 - Three Weeks Later** _

Planning Josh's surprise party was actually a lot harder than Sam expected. She spent most of her free time with him and didn't want to raise his suspicions, so she recruited the help of Chris, Ashley and her mom.

First she asked Chris to reach out to all their old friends to see if they could make it to Josh's 30th. And, of course, to tell them the story so they know it's not some joke. Sam couldn't even imagine how much time that would take up, explaining the same thing to all four of them.  
She asked Margaret to make the catering arrangements. Sam handled booking the hotel banquet room. She was short on time though. She was about to close her office for the holidays since Christmas was only a few days away and then she wouldn't be back to work until January 3rd. But then Josh's birthday was on the 8th.

Sam and Josh spent Christmas Eve with Chris and Ashley and their two kids. In the late evening, they drove to Sam's mom's house to spend the rest of the night and Christmas with her. Arriving her Margaret's house, they rang the doorbell and prepared a Christmas carol, reminding all of them of the time Josh showed up unexpectedly singing carols.

On New Year's Eve, they stayed inside Sam's apartment (though it was more like both of theirs at this point) to celebrate. They both made a resolution to make 2026 the best year they've ever had.

She surprised Josh (without giving away the real surprise) when she said she booked a hotel room for them for his birthday.

"I'm about to be thirty! You sure you're going to want to be with an old man like me?" he questioned, laying his head on her lap. He looked up at her as they sat peacefully on the sofa.

Sam instinctively tangled her fingers in his hair, "Not sure. This may be one of the last nights before you start going to bed at 7pm and waking up to eat nothing but prunes and fiber cereal."

His face got serious, "I solemnly swear to you, no matter how old I get...I will never eat prunes." She laughed, but her eyes softened.

' _No matter how old I get…'_

Not four months ago, she thought he never had a chance to live past twenty. But now, here he was, about to turn thirty. She wanted to tell him that she was so proud of him - surviving all those years by himself. He proved everyone wrong. He survived his breakdown after his sisters died, he survived the mines, he survived the asylum, he traveled the world trying his hardest to find himself - Sam didn't think Josh knew just how strong he was.

But then she felt his knuckles gently slide up and down her cheek. They locked eyes, and he clearly knew what she was thinking and appreciated her even more for it. They met in the middle for a chaste kiss, his lips barely moving when he said, "'m crazy 'bout you, Sammy."

They both chuckled at his choice of words before losing themselves in each other.

 

* * *

 

 

" _Surprise!_ "

Sam walked Josh into a dining hall she reserved and, just as planned, _everyone_ was there waiting to surprise Josh. Chris and Ashley were front and center; they cleaned up nice. They currently didn't look like strung out parents, but a young couple ready for a night of fun. To their right was Mike - clean shaven, slicked hair, suit wearing Michael Munroe. He held up his bottle of Bud Light to Josh as he yelled his surprise. Next to him was Emily and her husband, Miles. They complimented each other with his dark skin and obvious debonair personality, next to Emily's flawless features and cool stare.

To Chris and Ashley's left were both Matt and his fiance, Laura. Matt had put on some muscle weight since he was last seen, but looked good next to his five-foot-nothing meek-looking girl whose dark hair went down to the small of her back.

Next to them was Jessica - elegant but still trendy. Her black dress stopped mid-thigh, her blonde hair curled to perfection. Then where was Margaret, and Chris' parents, Ellen and Jeremy.

Everyone that ever meant anything to Josh was there with joy in their eyes at seeing him again. They all had a decade to heal and they all did something with their lives. She was so glad that no one even hesitated to come see them, even after everything that had happened.

"Let's party like we're _fucking_ pornstars!" Jessica announced loudly, raising her champagne glass high in the air. Sam saw the instant mortification on the parents' faces.

Sam laughed nervously, "it's just an old joke! Not serious!"

"Aww, c'mon, Sammy, where's your party spirit?" Josh wrapped his arm around her and kissed her temple and whispered a thank you in her ear before doing his duty and heading to the group of people that were waiting to talk to him and hear all the details about his life he was willing to give.

"So how have you been, Mr. Munroe?" Sam asked; the first group Sam mingled with consisted of Mike, Emily, and Miles.  
He took a sip of his beer before answering, "Making money, living the dream!" Sam wasn't sure if she heard any underlying disdain in his voice, or if it was just his way of answering.

"Are you married?" Emily was bold enough to ask him.

Mike shook his head, "nah. Been divorced for about seven months. It's all good though - I have an eight-year-old daughter that gets me through all the tough times."  
"Wow! You're a dad," Sam smiled and crossed her arms, nodding, "I can see it."

"Ugh, kids," Emily groaned with an eye roll, " _don't_ even bring them up. Miles' parents have been on our case to give them some grandkids."

"Considering it?" Mike asked.

"We're both surgeons, so we don't have the time a child would need," Miles answered, "my parents are just going to have to wait for my younger brother to reproduce."

"What about you?" Emily asked Sam, though her tone suggested she was ready to move on to a different subject soon.

"Oh...no kids yet," Sam couldn't help but look over her shoulder to find Josh and make sure he was still there. She knew everyone here would have tons of questions for him, and hoped it wouldn't overwhelm him. She wondered if she would ever not worry about him - it was definitely something she needed to practice.

"When you do, Josh is gonna give you two at once!" Mike grinned and nudged her.

Emily brought her wine glass to her lips, looking around the room dully, "identical twins don't run in families. And fraternal twins have to run on the mother's side. Sam's chances of having twins are low."

"Thank you, Dr. Emily," Mike said sarcastically, "Glad you can still correct me to this day."

"Anytime," Emily responded with a friendly grin. Sam watched as the two continued to catch up, still grateful they took the time to come. While it was bizarre seeing them all again and everything had changed, things oddly still felt like no time had passed at all. Sure, they were all older and wiser, but the core of what made everyone who they were was still there.

For the first time in ten years, Sam was in a room full of people, and she didn't feel a vacant, emptiness in her own heart. Because clear across the room, through the crowd of people, she could look up at any moment and see him there.

Laughing. Breathing. _Living_.

And as she watched him, his head falling back in laughter over something Matt had just said to him, Sam thought she might cry. Because she realized that it was really _this_ moment that she had dreamed about since the day she'd lost him.

Sure, she might have really focused on the moment he remembered or the moment she could hold him in her arms again, but in the past whenever she'd thought about Josh, she longed to have him back whole and happy.

And he was happy. And she was happier than she ever thought possible.

It was never about those other moments, it was about what would inevitably follow: life. A life together, one she never thought they were going to get a second chance for.

"You know, you could just go up and talk to him," Jessica nudged her, teasingly. Sam just snorted, shaking her head and sipping on her glass of champagne. "I think he has a crush on you."

"Oh gee, you think I have a shot?" Sam joked back, and the two blondes giggled like they were teenagers again.

She remembered that same advice coming from Jess years ago, back in high school. She was one of the first and only friends to let Sam know she knew there was something there between her and Josh - Sam wondered if Jess had some kind of a gift for those sort of things.

They'd been at a party right after Josh broke up with Amber and Jess had caught Sam staring longingly at Josh from across the room then, too. Sam had blushed, especially when Jess miraculously exclaimed that she should could tell something was different about Sam - then gasped and asked if she'd been kissed. Sam shushed her and denied it, all the while knowing that only the day before Josh had kissed her on the roof.

"This is all kinda crazy, huh?" Jessica understated, and Sam took in a breath that filled her lungs entirely. She still felt taken aback every time her brain reminded her that this was all real.

"I still can't believe it's happening," Sam replied absently. She smirked when Josh more than likely felt like he was being watched, their eyes catching and him giving her a small wave.

"I can," Jess chirped, her chin out confidently. Sam couldn't help but snort again, turning toward her long lost friend with her hand on her hip and skepticism on her face.

"Oh, really. Is that so?" she droned, unconvinced. Jess crinkled her nose and smiled brightly, adjusting the strap on her dress as she shrugged back.

"I guess what I mean is I'm not _surprised_. We _all_ wanted this for you guys, Sam. It broke our hearts _for_ you when he-" she cut herself short, shaking away the sad stuff before it set in. Jess was always good at that. She finished off her champagne, trading the empty glass for a full one as the waiter walked by.

"I guess I just always assumed that the universe wouldn't be so cruel as to do that to you. I mean… you lost Hannah and Beth, then Josh and… I always hoped for this for you."

"Hoped for what?"

"You know," Jess sang, but Sam didn't know. "For a miracle," she decided upon, simply. There was silence between the two while Sam chewed on that a moment - it _was_ a miracle. It warmed her from the inside out. "Sam, umm... I never got to apologize, you know. For what I did to Hannah-"

"Oh, Jess, no. You don't have to-"

"I'm really happy for you, Sam," Jess choked, pulling Sam in for a tight, brief hug. Sam gently patted Jessica on the back, once again meeting Josh's gaze. He shot her a puzzled but amused glance, one that said, ' _what the hell is goin' on over there?_ ' She just smiled back and shrugged, her own eyes telling him, ' _I don't even know.'_

Jess pulled away, wiping under her eyes before her mascara ran, "we _have_ to catch up more. We have to keep in touch! You can come visit me in San Diego!" Sam nodded at Jess' enthusiasm while noting the slight slur in her voice - it made her emotional state just that much more understandable.

"Sure, anytime," Sam agreed, ready to end the waterworks. She'd done her fair share of crying on and off for the last few months, out of both joy and pain - and she just wanted everyone to have a good time. Her eyes lifted and she could see Mike staring at the two of them, but more obviously Jessica. Sam smiled deviously, finding her way out of this awkward conversation.

"Hey Jess have uh… have you seen Mike tonight?" Sam mused. Jess glanced over her shoulder, looking Mike up and down as he tried to pretend he didn't just get caught staring.

"What about him?" she asked breathlessly.

"I dunno. He looks good, huh?" Sam said suggestively, taking another sip of her champagne. "You should go talk to him." Jess' head snapped back in Sam's direction. She narrowed her eyes, smiling back nervously.

"He does look hot, doesn't he?" she giggled, "you really think I should?"

"Definitely." Sam seized Jess' champagne glass - she'd had more than enough, anyway. "He's recently single…" Jess's eyes grew in size.

"Well, why didn't you say so before?" Jess adjusted the bust of her dress, giving herself more than an ample amount of cleavage. "How do I look?" Sam just smiled, shaking her head. She hadn't realized until now just how much she'd missed her bubbly friend. "Whatever, don't answer that, I know I look hot," Jess waved before turning and heading straight over to Mike. Sam watched as he greeted her, leaning in for a hug and a kiss on the cheek, then ordering the two a drink. Maybe they'd have their own private reunion later…

Sam looked around the crowd again, only this time she couldn't find Josh at all. While it didn't send her into any sort of panic, she did find herself worry once again that maybe this was all too much - although she hoped he'd find her if that were the case. She turned around to look for him, almost bumping right into Ashley.

"Oh, hey, have you seen Josh? I lost him-" Sam started right away, but Ashley just grabbed ahold of her hands. "What? Is he alright?" Ashley was wild-eyed and it made Sam instantly weary.

"He's fine, here, come with me…" she insisted quickly, beginning to drag Sam through the crowd. Sam laughed at her sheer use of force, Ashley's fingernails digging into Sam's skin.

"Ouch, careful," she hissed.

"Hurry up!"

" _Jeeze_ , now I know where Elizabeth gets it…" Sam muttered, nearly rolling her ankle in her black heels, trying to keep up with Ashley as they maneuvered through the crowd. "Where are we going?"

"You ask too many questions," Ash shouted over her shoulder, and before they knew it they were in a quiet, echoey stairwell. Sam pulled her arm from Ashley, wringing her wrist where her fingernails had just been.

"What is going on?" she chuckled. Ashley reached up, fluffing Sam's hair, to which Sam slapped her hands away. "Seriously! Ashley, what gives?" Ashley just smiled like she knew a secret, and Sam felt a flutter in her stomach that she couldn't explain. She didn't know what was about to happen, but she was both nervous and excited to see.

"Just… trust me, okay? There's a surprise for you." Ash went to continue up the stairs, but Sam grabbed her, turning her back toward her.

"Wait, what? A surprise for _me?_ It's _Josh's_ birthday-" her words trailed off, knowing Ashley didn't care, and that she was going to need to follow her anyway. Sam just sighed, giving her friend a surrendering shrug. "Okay, fine. Take me there. But if I get thrown off a roof, I'm gonna be pissed."

The two said nothing more as they ascended the stairs, floor after floor. With each footstep, Sam's heart raced a little more. When they got up to the landing by the door to the roof, Sam thought her heart might fall out of her chest - she never really liked surprises, but something told her whatever it was, Josh was behind it.

"You ready?" Ash beamed, and Sam just swallowed and shook her head.

"Not really, but go for it," she said, sucking in a breath. Ash pulled the door open, and Sam walked out onto the rooftop, the city lights seeming to stretch out before her for miles and miles. There were Italian lights strung above her, everything dressed in a golden glow below the stars.

The first thing she noticed was her teary-eyed mother, standing close by. She hurried up to Sam and embraced her while Sam still tried to figure out just what was going on.

"Hi baby," Margaret cooed, and Sam felt her forehead crease at the not-often-used term of endearment. After Margaret let her go, she cupped her daughter's cheeks and kissed her forehead lovingly.

"Okay, what is going on here?" Sam laughed nervously. "Why are you crying?" Sam followed her mother's gaze, which was fixed behind her, and when she turned around there was Josh. He had changed - he wasn't in his more casual outfit from earlier, but a full-on suit with a tie, his hair slicked back. Sam took in the sight of him, then looked back at her mom and Ashley.

"Hi," Josh greeted, leaning in and kissing her on the cheek.

"Hi," Sam replied suspiciously, her eyes narrowing, "you look different…" He shrugged coolly.

"Well, I'm thirty now, so that's probably why."

"Oh, yeah, that must be it," Sam teased back sarcastically. She looked over and saw that Chris was there too. "Does someone want to tell me what's going on?"

"I think we had some sort of a deal, remember? When I turned thirty?" Josh reminded her. Sam's cheeks warmed, and suddenly she knew exactly what was happening. Especially as he reached into his pocket and took out a little black, velvet box. "I mean, I know it was after we were both thirty, but I think we waited long enough, don't you?" Sam nodded through tears in her eyes, trying not to focus too much on the fact that everyone was watching them.

"Sam… I've been in love with you since I was a kid. Even when I forgot everything about myself, I think somewhere inside I carried that love with me, all those years," he told her, his voice low and hoarse. He brushed a piece of blonde hair from her face and Sam found herself leaning into the smoothness of his palm, her own fingers wrapping around his wrist. "But… I need to be clear about something," he said, and she couldn't tell if the sudden shift in his tone was serious or a joke as he told her, "I am not proposing to you tonight."

"Oh, you're not?" Sam asked him flatly, her eyes trailing down to the ringbox. "Then what's that?" she challenged. He held it up between them.

"I'm not proposing to you tonight because I don't need another six months to plan a wedding to someone I should have married a long time ago. So if you take this ring, I'm going to marry you tonight, Samantha Jensen. Because I want the rest of our life to start right now."

Sam sniffed, wiping the tears away that had rolled down her cheeks. Josh opened the ring box and it was perfect - it was the ring she'd always wished Liam had gotten her - a simple oval-cut sapphire with a diamond halo, set in vintage, etched silver. She picked it up out of the box and studied it, although the tears were impairing her vision.

"You want to marry me… right here, right now," Sam asked, although it was more of a statement than a question.

"The only thing I could possibly want more would be doing it ten years ago," he assured her.

"How will we-"

"Chris got ordained."

"I got ordained!" Chris chimed in. "Thank you Universal Life Church. Took me like ten minutes…" Sam laughed at their goofy friend who was more than willing to get right down to it. Who was she kidding? So was she.

"How did you do all this?" she wondered, gesturing towards the lights, the music, the flowers - everything.

"Oh, just a little something I pulled together…"

"You knew about the party, huh?"

"Of course I knew. You can't keep _anything_ from me. We're connected, remember?" Josh said cockily, and Sam's cheeks hurt from smiling so big. "So… how about it? Ya wanna get hitched? Be stuck with a mess like me forever?" She didn't even hesitate. Before she knew it she was nodding her head happily, wrapping her arms around Josh's neck and kissing him forcibly.

"Yes?" he murmured excitedly against her lips.

"Yes!" she muttered back. They parted and she was surprised when she felt Ash and her mom pull her back and away from Josh. "Hey, what-"

"Come on!" Ashley giggled, dragging her away again. Her mom followed closely, training behind as Ashley led her back behind a storage.

"Ash, you have _got_ to quit doing that," Sam huffed, but silenced when she saw her mom pulling her grandmother's dress from a garment bag. Ashley started tugging at her hair before she attacked her cheeks with a blush brush. Sam felt overwhelmed, but in the most wonderful way. Ashley hid Sam as they unzipped her party dress and helped her step into her wedding dress, "this is insane," she said to no one in particular. "Is this insane?"

"It's Josh. Are you honestly surprised?" Ashley asked rhetorically, and before she knew it she'd had a full wardrobe change. Ashley held up a hand-held mirror, and Sam took in the sight of herself. Her hair was down now, adorned with a simple veil - she couldn't believe this was actually happening. After the initial shock wore off, Sam wanted nothing more than to hurry to him so they could finally, truly be husband and wife. As she stared at herself, the tears came back. Ashley blotted them away quickly as her mom straightened her veil.

And suddenly, Sam was 17 years old again, watching Josh leave for college. Only this time, she knew the outcome. She knew they were going to spend the rest of their lives together. She could remember it all so vividly again - the way he nodded at her with that bright, amazing grin that made her melt every time. The way he began to walk back towards his car, but suddenly turned back towards her.  
"Sammy?" he called out. She glanced back at him. "Can we like… have one of those deals where like… if neither of us are married by the time we're 30-"  
"Yes," Sam blurted out quickly, followed by a giggle. She knew where that sentence was going. He didn't have to finish. His smile was blinding, bowing his head to look at his feet.  
"I'll hold you to that."

And now, here he was. Holding her to that.

"Something old," Margaret said, handing her grandma Sarah's handkerchief again. Sam used it to dry the happiest tears she'd ever cried. "Something new…" Margaret pulled out a golden locket, and etched in the heart were the initials, ' _J + S_.' She leaned forward and clasped it behind Sam's neck, her mouth near Sam's ear as she whispered, "just like on our tree out back…"

Margaret placed her hands on her daughter's cheeks once more, smiling proudly, "I'm so happy for you, Sammy."

"A- _hem!_ " Ashley interrupted, fastening a beautiful intricate, gemmed hair piece into Sam's hair, close to her veil. "Something borrowed," she announced before very seriously adding, "borrowed like… I want that back. It's my favorite."

"I promise," Sam chuckled, admiring it in the handmirror.

"And…" Ashley began, pulling out a small object wrapped in tissue, "something blue." Sam gave Ash a puzzled look before taking it from her, gently undoing the wrapping. When she saw what it was she really began to cry.

"Where did you find this?" Sam choked, taking the bracelet from the tissue and studying it in her hands. It was the bracelet Josh had made her in college - the one she lost the night she thought he'd died. There was a lot she regretted from that night, but losing that bracelet had utterly haunted her. Ashley took it out of her hand and forced it onto her wrist before squeezing her hand.

"By the elevator in the basement of the lodge - we thought… we thought something awful happened to you. I forgot I even had it until Lizzy found it in my jewelry box last week. I figured you'd want it back." Sam grabbed ahold of Ashley and hugged her tightly - was this what it felt like to have a best friend again? It had been so long since Hannah had- well. Either way, it felt nice.

"We doin' this or what?" they heard Josh shout from the other side of the roof.

"Coming!" Ashley yelled back before looking to Sam. "You ready?" she asked, handing Sam a small, modest bouquet. It was perfect - everything was perfect.

"Ready," Sam breathed, and together they walked out to the end of a makeshift aisle.

Chris started the music from his iPod, and Sam was more than happy to hear "Ever Enough" on the bluetooth speaker nearby. She was surprised Josh even remembered this song - she'd shown it to him back in high school because she'd loved the video… she'd never told him that every single lyric expressed everything she'd ever felt for him.

_I will always be yours, forever and more, through the push and the pull. I will drown in your love, and drink 'til I'm drunk after all that I've done, is it ever enough?_

Sam walked carefully towards him, promising herself that she wasn't going to cry again. He looked so handsome standing there, so happy and full of life. The teenager inside of her was screaming - this was all she'd ever wanted.

And she wondered how she'd ever thought it was going to work with anyone else. After all they'd been through, and even after all this time, it was always him. He was always the person she was supposed to spend her life with.

He extended his hand towards her and she gladly took it, gripping onto it almost too tightly. The music faded, and Chris began, welcoming friends and family even though it was only the five of them. This was perfect, everything about this moment was perfect: the people, the night air (even in January), the lights… especially the groom.

"I've known you both since I was a kid and I have to say I could not be more honored to be a part of this moment, something we never thought would happen. You two are a true testament to real, true love. After all you've been through, you found your way to each other… like, honestly they are gonna make a movie about you guys or at least a book-"

" _Chris_ ," Ashley scolded when he started to get off track. He corrected himself, clearing his throat.

"Is there anything you guys would like to say before we finish this thing up right?" Chris offered. Sam nodded; there was so much to say, she didn't know where to begin.

"Josh, I have loved you my entire life. I never, ever recovered from losing you. I don't even think you know how much I love you - how so many moments in my life were defined by you. And I am so unbelievably lucky to be standing here with you today," she choked, swallowing, "giving you every part of me, for the rest of our lives. I promise to love you unconditionally. To choose you every _single_ day. To have your hyper, weird little children. To be your family, from now until even after we're gone. Because we can overcome anything, I know that now. And I will spend the rest of my life making you happier than you could ever imagine."

"Aww," Ashley whimpered beside them, and Sam and Josh just laughed.

"Joshua, you think you can top that?"

"Psh, I know I can. Nice try, Sammy. But buckle up for this," Josh teased before his face growing more serious. "You are everything. You always have been, from the moment I met you. I knew the first time I saw you that you were the one I wanted to spend my life with. Although I messed up… a lot… but by some strange miracle, you gave me a chance. And then another. And another. When I think of what I feel for you, I wonder if anyone really knows what love is. Because they can't possibly feel this way. I will spend the rest of our lives enjoying your laugh… your smile… your eyes. Your kind, amazing heart. You saved me, Sam. You are a part of me and without you… I don't even know where I'd be. I owe everything to you and I swear, I swear I will make you so happy for the rest of our lives. I _love_ you. And I will keep on loving you, forever."

Sam couldn't help herself, she found herself leaning in and pressing her lips against his, only to hear Chris object, "oh hey, wait! That doesn't happen yet." Sam and Josh chuckled between the two of them, trying to abstain from ruining Chris' flow.

"Do you Joshua take Sam to be your wife-"

"I do," Josh interrupted.

"Wait," Chris chastised again, "to love and honor her, through sickness and health, for the rest of your lives?" There was silence, so Chris nudged him, "now you say 'I do'," he whispered.

"I do."

" _Good_. I thought you'd say that. And Samantha, do you take Joshua to be your husband, to love and honor him, through sickness and health, for the rest of your lives?"

"I do," she said through a beaming smile.

"Great. Cool. By the power invested in me - and the help of a free internet ordainment site, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride."

And just like their first kiss, Josh took her face in his hands, and kissed Sam softly on the top of a roof, under millions of stars.

Everyone yelped and cheered, causing quite a ruckus, but Sam didn't stop kissing him. She still didn't know what she'd done to get so lucky. Because he really, truly was all she'd ever wanted. And he was hers now, for the rest of their lives.

"You ready to go back down to the party, Jensen?" he asked her, but Sam just smiled.

"I'm not a Jensen, anymore," she told him. She was a Washington. Like on paper and _everything_. Just like she'd always wanted.

* * *

 

_Fin_


End file.
